You Should Smile (15 page)

After my little bathroom trip, I grabbed yet another beer and started drinking it.  And then, Mark offered me a shot and I drank that, too…..and another…..

I was officially wasted by 12:30.  Not just wasted – beyond wasted.  I don’t really remember a lot of what happened after that.  It’s all a big blur.

I remember that the band was pretty decent.  A crowd started building up in the next room where they were playing.  Mark asked if I wanted to go over and listen.  I couldn’t find Melissa and Paul, so I went along.

I recall that the other room was really dark and the music was some sort of Americana / Alternative upbeat sound. 

I distinctly remember the shots I’d taken catching up with me all at once. 

Mark trying to kiss me…..Me pushing him off…..Grabbing…..Stumbling…..

Voices…..Screaming…..Loud Noises…..

Strong arms grabbing me and hauling me over a shoulder. 

Rain outside.  Wet.

The sunlight beamed into my eyes.  It was like a knife stabbing my eyeballs, down to the sockets.  My head was pounding so hard that I could feel my pulse inside it.  I tried to open my eyes, but my lashes were plastered shut.  My mouth was dry and though I tried to wet it, I didn’t seem to have any saliva left.  I felt the wetness of the pillow beneath me.  I reached up and touched my hair, also wet.  When I tried to sit up, aches of torturous agony gripped my entire body.  I was hungover.  Bad.  

Eventually, I made myself sit up.  I rubbed my eyes until they finally opened and things started coming into focus.  I was in…..Thad’s bed?  What. The. Fuck???

I couldn’t remember how I got there.  The last thing I remembered was walking over to hear the band, then vague recollections of loud noises and being carried off.

I looked over to the end table.  There was a note with a glass of water and two ibuprofens: “Please take these, Shay.  I had to run to my office for a minute. 
Don’t leave
.  We need to talk.”  His writing.

I hurriedly took down the pills and the water.  I looked down and noticed I was wearing only my underwear and one of Thad’s t-shirts.  Someone had changed my clothes last night.  Him?  I wasn’t sure if I liked that idea or not.  I slowly got up out of the bed and stood up, catching my balance.  I was going to be sick.  I ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.   After I’d thrown up everything I could, I stood up on wobbly legs.  I went back into the bedroom and found my jeans, bra, and shirt folded up next to the chair and slipped them on.  Then, I did what I do best – I ran away.  I grabbed my purse, thankful I somehow still had it, and got the hell out of there.  No fucking way was I going to sit and have another sympathetic, I’m-doing-what’s-best-for-you conversation with him again….Fuck. That.

***************

Two hours later, I was still nursing my hangover, eating crackers and drinking Gatorade.  I was watching some bad B-movie because I was too lazy to find a different one.  Then, I heard the sounds of heavy footsteps and a pounding fist upon my door. 

“Open up the fucking door, Shay!”  Thad.  He was irate.

I didn’t move.

“I swear, I’ll break it down if I have to…..Open up the door NOW!”  He roared out that last part.  I had a vision of what my neighbors must’ve thought about the crazy girl in Apartment C3 and the people she hung out with.  I wanted to laugh at the absurdity, but I didn’t have the energy. 

I screamed from the couch.  “Go away!”

“NO!”  More pounding.  “Open the fucking door!  I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”  More pounding. 

I jumped off the couch and grabbed the door, opening it in a rage.  “What the fuck, Thad?  You can’t just cause a huge scene in the hallway!” I screamed, before realizing I was doing just that.

He stood in the open doorway, panting.  “Let me in, Shay, or I’ll cause another one.”  I glanced up at him and saw he was wearing khaki pants and a button-down shirt, rolled up, which only accentuated his arms.  He looked disheveled and tired.  His five o’clock shadow from yesterday was more like an eleven-o’clock shadow now.  He looked like a deranged L.L. Bean model.  Casting aside those thoughts, I finally stepped aside to let him in.

He stomped into the living room and turned around.  “Why’d you leave?  I told you I wanted to talk to you!”

I held my chin up.  “I didn’t want to talk anymore.  I’ve already heard what you had to say.  Besides, why don’t you go talk to
Dani
?” 

He shifted his stance and bellowed.  “I don’t want to talk to Dani.  I want to talk to YOU!”

I was so tired of his crap.  And his rage just pissed me off.  “What could you possibly have to say to me that I need to hear, Thad?”

He shut his eyes, grimacing.  “Can I fucking sit down, at least?”

I stepped aside, letting him move past me to sit down on the couch.  I remained standing a few feet away, arms crossed.

He looked up at me, his voice still raised, tense.  “You scared the ever living shit out of me last night, Shay….”  He hesitated, his voice softer.  “You could’ve really gotten hurt……You have no idea…..”

I looked down, ashamed.  “I uh….I don’t really remember what happened…..I was pretty drunk….”

His look was incredulous.  “Pretty drunk?  He was trying to grope you and you couldn’t even stand up to fight him off…..Fuck, Shay….”  I saw the pain in his eyes.

“What happened?” I whispered.  I wanted to know.

He shook his head, frowning.  “Chris told me that you were there.  I’d wanted to leave, but they wouldn’t let me.  So I was just sitting there, in a shitty fucking mood, listening to the band, when I saw you walk in with that guy.  I could tell how wasted you were.  I couldn’t look away…..”  He paused, setting his jaw.  “I watched as he grabbed your ass first and you slapped him away….I stood up…..Then he tried to kiss you….I saw you shake your head ‘no’ and stumble…..That was all it took…..”

I shifted my balance, arms still crossed.  He looked like he wasn’t going to continue, so I said, “And….”

He sighed and looked over to the window.  “I…uh….I was so fucking angry.  I pushed through a crowd of people with Chris and Lance following behind, yelling at me to stop.”  He laughed a hollow laugh.  “They know me too well.  I grabbed that dude from behind and turned him around….and then punched him.  I think I broke his nose.  Chris and Lance were right there, holding me back.  I probably would’ve fucking killed him…...”

Tears were streaming down my face.  Treacherous, treacherous emotions give me away.  I couldn’t be strong anymore.  My voice was barely above a whisper.  “Why?”

He looked up at me, just as fatigued and weak, it seemed.  “Don’t you know why?”

I continued to let the tears fall, silently and stoically.  “I don’t know anything anymore.”

He continued to search my eyes, the pain evident on his chiseled, handsome face.  “The cops found a date rape drug on that guy, Shay.  I’d hauled you out of there before the cops came, but that guy insisted he was gonna press charges, so Chris stuck around to talk to the cops as my lawyer.  He had a hunch and asked them to search that dude for drugs.  He called about 4 a.m. and said that the cops weren’t gonna press charges against me because they arrested that guy for possession of GHB….I’d already taken you to my place, so the cops told Chris that by the time we got you anywhere to get tested, the drugs would be gone from your system….so there’s no way to really know….”  His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed forcefully, clearly choking back his emotions.  “I wish I
had
killed him…..”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I tried to think back.  Had I been drugged?  I’d drunk so much already that it was hard to tell.  I didn’t know whether my lack of memory was from the alcohol or a drug.  I hugged my arms around my chest tighter, tears still flowing down my face.  I felt so stupid.  So vulnerable.  So violated.

With his elbows resting on his knees, he put his head into his hands, looking down at the carpet.  “I was so fucking scared, Shay.  I just sat in the chair and watched you sleep all night.  I
had
to go into the office this morning for a little bit, but Chris said even if you’d been drugged, you’d be okay by then….I was hoping to be back before you woke up so we could talk about what happened….”  He took a deep, rasping breath.

“I’d never seen you like that.”  His chest rose and fell.  “I thought I was doing the right thing by pushing you away, but all I did was fuck up everything.  You could’ve really gotten hurt….You could’ve been raped or worse….Oh god….How could I have lived with myself?”  His chest started heaving and I suddenly realized that he was crying.  He was always an oak tree to me, maybe even hickory – a wood capable of extreme strength that could withstand anything, even years and years of wear and tear. 

But he wasn’t an oak tree or a hickory tree.  He was human.

“I knew what I was getting into with you, Thad.  I wanted it.  I don’t regret it…..”  I started crying heavily, too, the words coming out in choked sobs.  “Please don’t bear that burden.  You couldn’t have known….”

He looked up finally, eyes rimmed with tears.  “This last month has been a nightmare.  I can’t eat; I can’t sleep; I can barely breathe….”

I knew then that he’d been just as despondent and bereft as I’d been the entire time.  He was hurting, too.  I didn’t want to be angry at him anymore.  “Don’t push me away anymore, Pickup Grinner.  Please?  We can face whatever happens together….” I pleaded.

With his face still in his hands, he nodded.

I walked over to him and got down on my knees before him, lifting his hands away from his face.  I began to kiss the path of his tears.  When I pulled back, he reached out with his rough thumb and wiped my own tears before leaning in to kiss me tenderly.  I just wanted to hold him, to be near him, to wrap myself inside him.  I didn’t want to think about anything else.

I got up off my knees and lightly pushed him back against the back of the couch.  As he watched me with tentative eyes, I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down, along with my underwear.  His eyes clouded over with a look of dark lust, but still he sat, just watching.  I pulled my top over my head and slowly reached back to unclasp my bra and drop it to the floor.  I moved over to him and reached down, unbuttoning his jeans.  His eyes still fixated on me, he lifted his hips to let me pull his jeans and boxers down.  He pulled his feet out of his flip flops and then from his jeans and boxers.  I tossed them all aside.  I stepped in between his legs and reached my hands toward his stomach, just above the head of his hard dick and he flexed his stomach muscles automatically in response to my touch.  I scraped my nails along his abs with one hand as my other hand raised his t-shirt.  His blue, passionate eyes were still locked with mine as he lifted his arms to assist me in taking it off.  No words were spoken.  Words were unnecessary.

I moved to straddle him on the couch.  Hovering over him, I lowered my hips to reach the head of his dick.  I grasped his hardness softly, guiding it to meet my opening.  Moving my hips back and forth slowly, I rubbed my wetness across his head.  He responded with a loud, feral groan, still fixated on my eyes.  Then, I hesitated, remembering that we needed a condom.  I moved to get off the couch and he grabbed my arm, shaking his head. 

“Don’t.  I want to feel you…..I trust you.”

That’s when I
really
knew how he felt.  I knew it deep within my soul, as sure as he’d actually said the words out loud.

I repositioned myself over his dick and could feel the head slip inside.  I readjusted my weight forward, pushing down until his entire length filled me.  He made a soft moaning sound as he searched my eyes.  It felt so good to have him inside me with no barrier between us.  I began to move up and down, riding him slowly.  Our eyes were saying things we dared not say aloud, allowing the silence to permeate instead.  As I rode him, he grabbed my ass and thrust his hips upward in time with my movements.  I rolled my hips softly at each thrust, letting him feel my tightness from all angles.  Sexy guttural sounds echoed from his throat as he pushed and pulled me harder onto him. 

As our pace increased, my breasts began bouncing up and down with the rhythm.  He leaned up and alternated between each nipple, pulling it into his teeth as we slammed into each other.  It was as if all the heartbreak and frustration of our storms were being soothed by our bodies’ embrace. 

I could feel the orgasm as it loomed, so I reached down between us and circled my clit softly as I continued to ride.  His eyes never left my face the entire time – not even to look at our union below.  He was searching the depths of my soul and, as I circled my clit and looked into those bluest of eyes, I came hard.  My inner walls began to contract around him, drawing a moan from deep within his chest as he held my gaze, never wavering.  He finally pushed hard into me once, twice, and I felt the warmth of his come inside me as he screamed my name with a passion undone. 

As our bodies came to rest, he let out a long breath, his eyes still locked with my own.  His hand came up to caress my cheek.

“I love you, Smiles,” he said softly.

I didn’t hesitate.  “I love you, too, Pickup Grinner.”

Those three little words, so common, yet so powerful.  You wait to say them, you wait to hear them, you hold onto them, you cherish them, and then you give them away when the time feels right.  It’s amazing, really.  Humans invent thousands of languages full of millions of words, yet our relationships always come down to those three simple ones.

With his dick still inside me, he gave me one of his best grins – eye-wrinkling, mouth-crinkling, panty-dropping.  I smiled in return, while squeezing him with my inner walls.  He groaned loudly.

As I finally lifted off of him, his come trickled down my leg and he stared at the trail it left in a trance-like state.  My heart reeled for a split-second.  I feared he was regretting not using a condom.  I was on birth control, but still I knew how much that betrayal had once gutted him.  Instead, he reached out and tenderly collected his semen on his fingers.  He then ran his calloused hand slowly up my inner thigh, rubbing my skin with his come.  He was branding me with his seed. 

His eyes met mine.  “It felt so good inside you without a condom.  So different…..”  He halted, looking back at his hand on my branded, wet thigh.  “I like the thought of my come inside you.”