You Should Smile (14 page)

You know that part of the movie where the main characters have to see each other for the first time after the heartbreak?  Yeah, well, we still had our weekly dissertation meeting scheduled the day after I confided in Grant.  I thought about cancelling.  I really did.  Part of me wanted to, but the other part of me was also curious about seeing him.  Bipolar again.  Mostly, I had to finish the damn dissertation somehow and I couldn’t really afford to blow off those meetings.  I’d come too far.

I also kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the letter or phone call indicating Thad and I were in some sort of trouble.  It didn’t come.  Obviously, Gina hadn’t figured out who I was yet.   

There was one thing I was
not
going to do, though, and that was let him for one second think that this was affecting me as badly as it was.  No more drunken, stinky Shay.  I took a shower, shaved, and fixed my hair.  If I was going to do this, I was going to at least look good, dammit.

He was sitting at his desk, head held down when I knocked on the door.  He looked up slowly, eyes dark and dead.  His face was unshaven and dark circles framed his eyes.  He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.  That gave me a small measure of satisfaction.  Good, I hoped he’d tossed and turned all night long.  Served him right, asshat.

“Have a seat, Shay.”  His voice was low, emotionless.

I plopped down on the seat across from his desk and faced him, chin held high.  I made my voice as even and controlled as I could.  “Sure thing, Dr. Reeding.  Where shall we begin?  With the theory section?”

He looked up at me with a frown, flexing his jaw, clearly uncomfortable.  He looked away quickly and stared at the desk again, clearing his throat.  “Certainly, Ms. Elliott.  Let’s start with the theory….”

It went on like that for the next half hour – the two of us discussing my dissertation awkwardly, avoiding the dark gray cloud hanging over us both. 

It was then that I heard a soft knock on the door.  I turned around to see Dr. Vianca standing there.  Bile rose to my throat.

Her soft voice carried across the room, “Hey Thad.  I’m so sorry to interrupt.  I was just going to tell you that I can’t make it to lunch today…..”  She paused and looked at me, smiling.  “You must be Shay.”  She gave me a friendly wave.  Instinctively, I waved back, even though my mind was screaming not to.  Always polite.

Thad just nodded at her, indicating he’d heard what she said.  She smiled again sweetly and walked off down the hall.

I turned to him, eyes blazing.  I wasn’t about to even try to stop myself after the shit he pulled with Pete before.  “Does
she
know your full name?”  I hissed.

He looked up, confusion in his weary eyes.  “Full name?  What are you talking about?”

“Everyone at this fucking university seems to know your full name,
Thaddeus
.” 

It finally registered.  He sighed.  “Shay, my full name is Thaddeus Douglass Reeding.  Mom named me after Thaddeus Stevens and Frederick Douglass because she wanted names that represented heroes for equality.”  Swallowing forcefully, he added, “I’m sorry I never told you…..but you never asked, either.  I never even thought about it….Jesus, I would’ve told you.”  He looked stricken.

I didn’t care.  I wanted him to suffer as much as I was suffering.  I kept going.  “Melissa saw you and Dr. Vianca eating lunch yesterday….said you seemed awfully close.  What a shame you won’t be able to eat with her today, too…”  I spit out the words like they were poison in my mouth.

His eyebrows shot up.  I saw his jaw clench again.  Oh, it’s on now, I thought.  I knew I’d pushed his “angry button”, but I didn’t care.  I crossed my arms and continued to stare him down, daring him to go postal.  He saw my challenge and backed down.  His shoulders slumped and he took a breath.

Then he had the audacity to smirk.  Motherfucking
smirk
.

I bristled and held my chin up, trying to retain my dignity without crying.  I was about to go to my own anger level when he finally whispered, “I don’t know what Melissa told you, Shay, but Rebecca is just my friend.  We went to grad school together.  She’s always been just a friend…..who’s a lesbian.  Doesn’t necessarily advertise it, but yeah.….into girls.” 

My mouth fell open.  Did not see that one coming.  

His smirk was still there and his jaw was still flexing.  “I do find it humorous that you’re so quick to believe all rumors you hear.  What else did Melissa tell you, huh?  Did she tell you that Rebecca grabbed my hand?  Comforted me?  Did she tell you that I confided in Rebecca because I trust her and I needed to tell someone that I crossed a line with a grad student?  That I was a fuck-up because I probably ruined this student’s future?  That I care about this student?  That the best thing I can do for this student is to get the hell away from her?  That I fucking hate myself for
all
of it?  Did you hear any of that, Shay?  Because that’s what the fuck happened!…”  His voice was rising with each sentence and I winced at the volume change.  “Oh, yeah, and then we hugged goodbye and I kissed her on the cheek….wanna make sure the gossipmonger told you that part, too…”  His smirk had turned into a glare.

I took a deep breath – what felt like the first breath I’d taken in days.  The thought that a single breath in a single moment could be that momentous made tears come to my eyes.  I didn’t even try to stop them.  They rolled down my cheeks in successive glory.  I glanced down at the ground, afraid to look back up again.     

“I need to go,” I whispered.

He nodded.  Then sighed.  “I know we didn’t finish all of the theory section yet.  You don’t have to come back up here.  Let’s just finish the meeting tomorrow night via Skype, okay?” 

“Okay,” I shrugged as I gathered my things to leave.  I hurriedly wiped at my tears to dry them so no one would notice I’d been crying. 

When I reached the doorway, I heard his voice again, softer this time.  “I’m sorry, Shay.  I should’ve never put you in this position.  I just hope it’s not too late to protect you.  I never wanted to hurt you.  Never.”

“Too late,” I mumbled as I walked out the door.

I wasn’t looking forward to our scheduled Skype meeting the next night.  At all.  I’d made myself work on the dissertation after our meeting the day before and I felt like I was finally making some good progress.  I was getting lost in the process, at least, which kept my mind off everything else.  I really didn’t want to think about him anymore.

As the scheduled time for our meeting came and went, though, I wondered if I was supposed to contact him.  I couldn’t remember.  He usually Skyped me first.  That was our pattern, but maybe I was supposed to contact him. 

Unsure, I went on and pushed the button to call.  It rang a few times before he finally answered.

He still looked bad.  The lines on his face were particularly pronounced in the camera glare, seeming to highlight his tiredness.  His voice was hollow.  His eyes were rimmed red.  I noticed the bottle of bourbon and a glass with dark liquid in it sitting on the coffee table.

When he finally spoke, I knew he was beyond drunk.  Wasted.  I’d never seen him wasted before – drunk, yes, but wasted?  Shit-faced?  Never.

“I forgot about the meeting.”  The words were devoid of emotion. 

I hesitated.  “Uh, it’s okay.  We can reschedule.”

He picked up the glass of bourbon and looked at the camera, taking a drink.  “Prob’ly a good idea.”  I hated the look in his eyes.  He was like a robot.  Uncaring.  Unfeeling.

I couldn’t help it.  He looked so barren.  I had to ask.  “Are you okay?”

He didn’t move his head, just moved his eyes upward, staring into the camera.  “Okay?  Define ‘okay’…..”  Lifeless.  His words were lifeless.

“I, uh….”  I stopped.  I didn’t know what to say.  I had no idea what to say.  So I asked the obvious question instead.  “How much have you had to drink?”

“Enough.”  He took another drink, still staring at the screen blankly.

“I’m sorry.”

He gave a cold sort of half-laugh.  “Why the fuck are you apologizing, Shay?”

That made me mad.  “I don’t know.  Maybe because you look like you needed some words of sympathy,” I huffed.

He looked away from the camera, taking yet another drink.  “It’s been a bad week.”

No shit, I thought.  I said nothing.

He took another drink before finally looking up again.  “Guess who I saw today?”

I was losing patience with all of this.  “Who, Thad?”

He gave a hollow laugh.  “My sperm donor…..tracked me down after all these years….”  He took another drink.  “He wanted money…..I told him he could go fuck himself…..”  The words came out in a monotonous tone.

My heart grieved.  What a horrible thing for a parent to do – ignore your child all of his life and then have the nerve to come back and ask for money.  What type of person does that?

“Oh, Thad.  I’m so sorry……So, so sorry,” I said softly.

He erupted.  “Quit fucking apologizing!”  The words rang in my ears.  His anger was unbridled in force, and out of proportion in reaction to what I’d said. 

I didn’t back down, though.  I wasn’t afraid of him.  “Well, I
am
sorry.  I’m sorry that guy is your father.  I’m sorry you’re hurting.   I’m sorry you’re so angry.”

He laughed bitterly.  “I don’t want your fucking pity.”

I wasn’t liking Wasted Thad very much.  I wasn’t liking Angry Thad very much, either.  “What
do
you want from me then, Thad?”  I looked into the camera, livid, daring him to respond.

He took the bourbon glass his hand and swirled it around, glancing down into it as if it held the answer.  He took another slow drink.  The seconds passed. 

“Nothing,” he finally slurred in a rough voice.  He refused to look up at me as he said it.   

That word – like a dagger to my heart.  Anguish.  Pain.  Then my pride swelled and it fought against the urge to cry.  No tears would come.  Pride would win.  Fuck him.  That’s what my pride was saying.  FUCK. HIM.

I stared into the camera and said it slowly, clearly, succinctly:  “FUCK. YOU.” 

I shut off the connection between us.  

You know in the movies when the heroine decides to pick herself up off the floor and go on?  Survive?  Beat the odds?  Overcome that obstacle?  That last Skype meeting did it for me.  He’d finally pushed me away.  I picked up the pieces of my heart and vowed to move on.  Try to get over him.  Find a way to live again. 

Thankfully, the fall semester was ending and I would have an entire month over winter break to regroup and refocus.  I hung out with Grant and Ethan a lot.  Thad’s name was never mentioned.  Every breath I took no longer seemed like a chore.  The seconds sometimes passed and I didn’t think about him.  I took showers.  I was making it.  I was going on with my life.

The problem with heartbreak, though, is that you’ll always have setbacks.

The winter respite would come to an end and a new spring semester began.  The grad students always went out together on that first weekend back.  It was sort of our tradition, a way to celebrate the start of yet another semester.  At dinner, I’d had a few glasses of wine and Grant was starting to worry. 

“Princess, how many have you had to drink?  Please don’t go to Blitzville tonight.”

When everyone talked about going to Moe’s afterwards, he pulled out the big guns.  “Instead of Moe’s, let’s you, Ethan, and me go back to your place and watch a movie.  I’ll even let you pick…..just no weird indie films this time.”

I hiccupped.  “Nope.  I need this tonight, Queenie.  Please…”  With my eyes, I begged him to understand my need for some semblance of normalcy in my life.  I missed going to Moe’s and Thad hadn’t been around in ages.  “Please?”

He shook his head and sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to change my mind.  “Fine, we’ll go to Moe’s……but no Blitzville, Shay.”  He tried to give me a mean look, but he couldn’t pull it off.

I’d already had a few drinks, so my smile was crooked and tipsy.  “Thanks, Queenie.  I love you.”

“I love you, too, Princess, even though you’re stubborn as hell.”

I grinned.  We headed to Moe’s.

***************

I was having so much fun.  The beers were going down a little too quickly, though, and I’d already had a lot of wine.  Grant kept trying to sneak drinks of my beer, hoping I wouldn’t notice there was less of it.  I smacked him each time.  “C’mon, Queenie.  Let me have some fun.”

Around 9:30 p.m., Grant and Ethan were ready to go.  I was not.  I convinced them I’d stay with Paul and Melissa.  I’d be okay. 

“I don’t like this.  Not at all,” Grant admonished.  “But I can’t very well drag you out of here, either….”

He turned to Melissa.  “Just make sure she gets home safely, okay?”

Melissa nodded.  “Absolutely…..”  She pulled Grant aside, whispering, “She’s really been taking the death of Harry hard, huh?”

Grant’s eyes flashed with confusion as he looked over her shoulder to meet my eyes.  I saw the perplexed look on his face and it hit me what she’d probably said.  She had her back to me, so I mouthed, “Long story….”

He bit back a knowing grin.  “Yeah.  Shame about Harry….”  Then, looking back at me, he whispered, “Be careful, Princess.”

“I will, Queenie.  Promise.”

***************

After they left, I grabbed another beer at the bar and dragged Paul and Melissa to the pool tables.  In the back, I saw a familiar face – the cute guy who’d first offered to show me how to hold the pool stick that night long, long ago.  I tried not to think about Thad’s reaction and our own pool table moment or that later moment on his kitchen table.  Those memories were far too painful.

The guy made eye contact with me and I could tell he recognized me, so I smiled.  Then, he smiled.  His smile was…..just okay.  No creases.  His teeth were kind of crooked.  I wasn’t all that impressed, but still I spoke. 

“Can we play the next game?”

“Sure, darlin’.  I can be your partner, if you want.”  He gave me the smile again and all that his comment entailed along with it.  “I’m Mark.”

“Ummm…..I’m Shay, but I just wanna play some pool,” was my lame response.  He smiled again and nodded.

Paul, Melissa, and I teamed up and ran the table.  By the end of the third game, I’d definitely reached Blitzville.  The alcohol was starting to catch up with me and I’d barely eaten all day.  The thought of food made me sick.  That was always one benefit of heartbreak for me – some girls stuff their faces.  I can’t eat at all.  Given the choice between the two, I was glad that the latter was my problem, I guess.

***************

You know that scene in the movie that you’re not expecting at all?   The scene that seemingly comes out of nowhere?  You’re thinking everything was going along swimmingly, and then….Boom! 

I saw Lance walk in first. Well, saunter in, actually.  His cocky swagger was evident from the farthest reaches of the room.  Chris trailed behind him, looking like some underwear model from the pages of GQ…..and then I saw him.  Talk, dark, handsome.  His chiseled face was adorned with a five o’clock shadow that made him look rougher, dirtier, sexier. 

That’s not what surprised me, though.  The surprise came walking in beside him, laughing at something he’d just said.  It was like a slow-motion scene from a movie – the tall, gorgeous blond with big boobs and a tiny waist laughing joyously at the hero.  He smiled back at her, but his smile didn’t look quite the same.  There were no creases.  I tried to look away.  I really did.  I couldn’t do it.  I stared as they walked into the other room.  When they were finally out of my sight, the air came back to my lungs and I could breathe again.

I grabbed my beer and chugged it down as fast as I could.  Mark the pool-playing guy came over to where I was standing and offered me another beer from his bucket.  I accepted.  I looked over at him and he smiled.  Again, meh.  Nothing.   I smiled back anyway. 

“You wanna be on my team this round?” he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.  “Sure.  Why not?”  Paul and Melissa had quit playing anyway and were over talking to some other people that they knew.  

“You can break,” Mark said, smiling again.

I nodded and grabbed a cue stick.  Leaning over, I concentrated and pulled through hard on my shot.  Two stripes went in.

“Good shot,” I heard someone say.  I thought I recognized that smooth, controlled baritone.  I turned around and Chris was standing there.

He grinned, dimples showing in the bar-lit room.

I stood back up, smiling.  “Oh, hey, Chris.  How are you?”

“I’m good, Shay.  I’m good.  I was just on the way to the restroom and saw you over here….How are
you
?” He emphasized that last word as his eyebrows furrowed with concern.  

I tried to act nonchalant.  “Oh, uh.  Yeah.  I’m fine….”

He nodded his head, flashing me a look of even greater concern.  He saw right through me.  My own personal mind reader.  Too bad I hadn’t met him first, I mused bitterly.  Oh yeah, and the whole lack of sparks thing.  That would help, too, I guess.  Funny how your mind and body are just automatically attracted to certain people and not others.  It’s weird how that works.  He was so damn nice and good-looking – and he probably would’ve been so much easier. 
So
much easier. 

He cleared his throat and stepped closer so he could speak low.  “He’s really messed up, you know.  I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“He looked pretty upset with that Victoria’s Secret model next to him earlier,” I said sarcastically.  I was drunk.  I didn’t care. 

He looked confused for a second.  “Who, Dani?”

My heart fell again as the realization hit.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  I looked at the wall behind him and muttered, “Dani.  His ex.”

Chris’ eyes went wide as he saw my pain.  He shook his head.  “It’s not like that, Shay.  She’s just a friend.  Trust me on that, okay?” 

I didn’t answer him for a second, so he pulled me in for a tight hug.  I swear, he knew exactly what I needed.  He also smelled good – like that first smell of fall, natural and woodsy.  It still did nothing for me, though.  Sigh.  “Okay?” he asked again, still hugging me tightly.

I finally muttered into his hug, “Okay.  I know you’re trying to make me feel better and I do appreciate it, but it’s over.  He pushed me away.”

“Just give it time, Shay.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing to protect you from Gina.  She
is
crazy.  I’ve always hated her….”  He pulled back from the hug, hesitating and then emphasizing, “…..but whatever you do,
don’t give up if there’s any chance….any chance at all
.” 

Wait, were we still talking about Thad?  No.  It was there in his voice, the pain.  Something really traumatic in love had happened to Chris Harrison.  And whatever it was, he was still suffering from it.

I smiled at him, understanding passing between us. 

Mark walked up then.  “Hey, Shay.  It’s your turn.”

Chris lifted one eyebrow as he looked from Mark to me.  I met his eyes and shook my head ‘no’ quickly.  He nodded in understanding.  I guess that was one good thing about him being able to read my mind.  We just had an entire conversation without saying a word. 

“Well, I better head back over there,” he said softly. 

“It was great seeing you again, Pretty Boy,” I teased. 

He smiled back, dimples and all.  “Oh, I think I’ll see you around again, Shay…..Please be careful.  Remember the beer thing.”

I smiled back at him.  “Sure thing, Dad.”

Then, I turned around to aim at a stripe…..

***************

11:00 came and went.  The night started getting a little bit foggier.  Someone ordered shots.  Shots are always a bad idea after you’ve been drinking for a while.  They might be okay at the start, but nothing good comes from shots after.  They’ll sneak up on you and kick you hard in the ass when you least expect it.  Trust me.

Paul and Melissa disappeared, it seemed.  They were still there somewhere, I’m sure, but I had no idea where.  It all started to fade into gray, to tell you the truth.

I remember seeing Dani pass us on her way to the bathroom.  I was too numb to even hate her.  I didn’t have the energy or gumption to feel anything.  That Mark guy whistled low and exchanged looks with his friends.  I whispered to no one in particular, “Yep.  There’s Dani…”

The voice inside my head suddenly became a game show announcer…. “Why, that’s correct, Shay!  That
is
Dani!  Tell her what she’s won, Marvin!!!”....Then Marvin’s announcer voice took over and said, “Sure, Johnnie!  She wins.....(drum roll).....an awkward night of watching guys drool over Thad’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend!.....Congratulations!!!”  Carnival music played in the background. 

Blitzville Shay is a fucking comedian.  She’s kept me sane through a lot of shit and I find her self-deprecating humor healing.  I finally grinned for real – my first grin in a very long time.  I amused myself immensely.   

Then I had the brilliant idea to go to the bathroom, too.  You know that part of the movie where you’re watching the heroine about to do something really, really dumb and you’re cringing?  That awkward, horrible, cringe-worthy moment where you’re thinking, “No!  Don’t do that!.....Awww….Shit…..She’s gonna do it anyway, isn’t she??......I can’t look……” 

Yeah.  So I went to the bathroom.  I just wanted to see her up close, you know.  See what she was really like, I guess.  The restroom was divided into two sections.  One part had the stalls and sinks and then there was a separate powder room area with a small loveseat and big mirror on the wall. She was standing in the powder room part, looking in the mirror, touching up her make-up while talking on her cell phone.  It wasn’t one of those really loud “Hey, everybody!  Listen to my conversation!” type of phone calls, though.  She was just quietly talking to someone and you could only hear if you were really, really trying to listen.

Shut up.  I don’t want to hear it.  Put up your robe and your gavel and quit judging.

I hurriedly used the restroom and then came out to wash my hands.  Her voice was sunshine-y and sweet-sounding from the next room.

“Yeah, I know….”

“He seems really down, actually…..just not himself at all….”

“I don’t know.  He won’t talk about it…”

“I usually just stay at his place, but I’m not sure this time…He’s hardly even looked at me…”

“About a year ago….”

She laughed at something the other person said.  “Shut up!  I know!  I guess I’m not getting any this visit!”

***************

You remember how I told you that movie heroines usually regret eavesdropping for some reason?  Well, I fucking regretted it immediately.  There are some things you’re actually better off not knowing in your life.  I would have been just fine living my life without knowing that Thad Reeding bangs his supermodel-looking ex-girlfriend every time she comes into town.  I would’ve been just dandy not knowing that shit.  Just dandy.

I went back into the stall to wipe my eyes hurriedly, waiting until I heard the sounds of her footsteps leaving.  I’d heard enough.

***************

The scheduled band started playing around midnight.  In college towns, nothing started until midnight.  My grandma used to say, though, that “nothing good happens after midnight.”  I never really knew what she meant until I got older and started looking back at post-midnight memories.  She was a wise woman.  Nothing good did seem to happen after midnight anymore.