You Only (Cameron Farms Book 1) (25 page)

She took his hand. “That wasn’t what I was getting at. If we are doing this, then I want us to be monogamous.” She paused to watch his reaction.

He gave her a nod, signaling for her to continue. He appeared relaxed; there was no fear in his eyes when she said the “m” word.

So she continued. “And if we are, can we stop using condoms?”

“I’m committed to this. You are it, there won’t be anyone else for me.” He reached up and gently grasped her chin. “I’ll make an appointment to get tested and you do the same. I’ve tried to be careful but I’ve slipped up a few times over the years. You know in the heat of the moment, but I’ve always tested clean.” He let go of her chin.

She nodded, smiling. “I’ll call Monday to make an appointment with my doctor.”

They stayed in that position for a few quiet moments, sitting side by side. Finn took her hand in his and drew small circles with his thumb on its sensitive back. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles.

Hale giggled, it tickled and his romantic acts were so sweet that they made her squirm.

“What? You don’t like romance?”

She felt a jolt of shock roll through her body. God, Finn saw everything. She looked away. “I’m trying. I haven’t had very much of the real thing.”

“Then I’ll give it to you.” He kissed her hand again.

“I haven’t had a lot of real relationships. I’m not sure that I’m going to be good at this.” She kept dancing around the topic. She was uncomfortable with his sweetness.

“Do you want me to go?” He held her hand still.

“No.” She blurted. She took a deep breath and forced herself to meet his eyes. “No. I’m not saying this right.” She looked up at the ceiling, trying to gather her thoughts. “I’m fumbling around, not finding the right words.” She didn’t want to pull her hand free, but it was difficult, she needed to explain herself. Her first inclination was to shut down and move away. She ignored it.
This is Finn
and I can’t hide from him, not if I want this relationship to work.

“Take as long as you need, Hale.” His tone was patient. “I want to know what’s going on in your head.” He let go of her hand and pulled on her arm. “Come ’ere.”

“What? Where?” He pulled her across his body. She started to struggle against him.

“I want to hold you.” He waited.

In the years since she had left, she’d never been into cuddling with her partner. It seemed too close, too intimate. She had always felt so uneasy in another’s arms, talking after sex.
This is Finn
. She wanted to, no, she did trust him.

She ordered her body to relax and he must have sensed her surrender. He pulled her across his body and she used her heels to shift onto his lap, now he had both of his arms wrapped around her.

“Happy?” she asked him.

“Yes, now tell me what’s going on in there.” He tugged on the hair by her temple.

“You’re so good at this.” The words escaped.

For a moment, his eyes got big. “Good at what, Hale?” He spoke each word slowly.

“All of this. You say the right things, you know how to handle me, especially when I’m like this.”
Scared and panicking.

He tilted his head. “Babe.”

She interrupted. “I keep saying things that sound like I’m trying to push you away, and I don’t want that.” She noticed that her breathing was choppy.

He looked like he wanted to laugh.

“I’m being honest, I’m really not good at this.” She was horrified that she was whining.

Finn’s smile was sweet. “Babe, I’m not getting why you are getting so worked up.”

“Because, I’m not doing this right.” She raised her voice as a cold sweat broke out along her spine. She was going to fuck this up.

“You’re doing fine, Hale. Stop being so hard on yourself,” he told her.

“I don’t want to make a mistake. I can’t fuck this up.” Her body had started to shake and Finn shifted her closer into his chest.

“Hale, you’re worrying about the wrong thing. You’re going to fuck up and I know that I will too. That’s just part of life. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.” He gave her a little shake at the end.

She rested her head against his shoulder, trying to calm her nerves.

When he spoke, his voice had gone soft. “I watched you at Joe’s funeral and many other times since then. I started listening to what people said about you, those who know you and about your upbringing. More importantly, I started listening to you, not just your words but also what your eyes told me. Do you know what I learned?”

“What?” Hale tried to swallow, her voice sounded shaky. She braced herself for a verbal blow.

Finn stroked her bicep gently with his hand. “I think that since you were young, you’ve believed that you aren’t worthy of being loved and if you were that you could lose that love at any moment.” His hand tightened around her arm as if he sensed she would try to escape.

She felt like he had punched her in the stomach. She tried to climb out of his arms. “Let me go.” She squirmed and fought to be free of his hold.

“No,” he told her sharply as he held on to her tightly.

Her mind was racing and her heart was beating so hard her chest hurt. “Please,” she cried.

Finn overpowered her. “Hale, listen to me. Give me a minute, just hear me out.” She stopped fighting, but she could feel her heart pounding against the arm securing her. “I want you to hear this. You deserve to hear this.”

“Finn, I don’t.” She felt panic ripple through her, she was having trouble catching her breath. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Shh, just listen. You told me about some of the things that Lydia did to you. I know that she made you feel that you weren’t enough. You weren’t worthy of her love.”

“Finn.” She tried to make him stop as the tears started to fall down her cheeks.

“Your Mother was crazy, or I can be more polite and say ill. I will never understand how Joe, Poppy, or any other adults that were around didn’t put a stop to it.” He took a deep breath and he sounded angry. “It infuriates me whenever I think about it. You were a child being abused by her mother and nobody stopped it.” His arms tightened around her.

“It was bad, so bad that I don’t even like to think about it.” Her throat hurt as she forced the words out.

“I know and when you do you seem to feel ashamed.”

Hale shifted so that she could see Finn’s face. Christ, he looked so angry. The muscle at the side of his jaw jumped.

“You shouldn’t be ashamed, you should be fucking furious. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault.”

She started to argue with him but his arms tightened around her.

“You got your M.B.A., you worked for a top accounting firm, your good friends love you and would fight to the death for you.”

“But,” she tried to interject.

“Just let me finish, others want to be included in that circle, yet you hold them off. I’ve watched you with our godchildren and you love them so much. Hale, I’ve witnessed you take abuse from small-minded people and put up with their rudeness. The only time that you defend yourself, is when your work is criticized.” He repositioned her body so that there was more space between them, like he wanted to be able to read her body’s language. “You are loved and are loving. I think that you have a huge heart, but are afraid to risk it.”

She let his words sink in. She nodded, hoping that he would stop talking about this. He knew her weaknesses.

He let out a loud sigh. “That troubles me.”

This was killing her. “Because you think that I can’t love you back?”

“No, not a chance.” He rested his forehead against hers for a moment then continued. “I think I’ll have to fight you along the way and knock down your walls. I want you to know that I am going to be here doing that. You aren’t going to hide from me, Hale.”

More tears ran down her cheeks. She wanted to wipe them, but she was so focused on Finn’s words, she didn’t move. He was right. She had heard the summation from the therapists throughout her life.

“You need to let yourself be loved. God, honey, it hurts me to think that you don’t see it.” His eyes were filled with pain

She whispered, “So you think I’m worth it?”

“I know you are.” He pulled her closer and kissed her. His lips were gentle, the kisses light and teasing.

She raised her hand and pulled his head closer. His kisses turned hungry. She slid her hands to his shoulders and twisted her body so that she could straddle his thighs. His hard cock rested between their stomachs. Finn’s hands roved her back, causing goose bumps as his fingers traced along the sides of her ribs, one of the most sensitive places on her body.

Finn’s hand traveled to her hair. He pulled hard, tugging her head back. “This time, I’m taking it slow. Making love to you like I should have for our first time.” He rolled her off his thighs and leaned over her.

She looked up into his eyes. He was so intense. “But I like it rough and hard.”

“Well, babe, I’ll have to make sure that you love it slow and sweet.” He was smiling but there was heat in his look.

And he did.

And he was right, she did.

It was still velvety dark outside as Hale started the coffee maker. She checked the thermometer as she let Miller out, it read thirty-six degrees. She filled her travel mug and moved to the coat rack, sitting on the bench to put on her shearling filled boots. She had layered a silk tank, a thermal long sleeve shirt and a thick sweatshirt and jeans. She shrugged on her winter barn coat and pulled on a heavy knit hat.

She had awakened before the alarm went off, trying to slowly disentangle from Finn’s arms and legs. She had forgotten that he liked to hold her, but it was more like his body surrounded hers as they slept. When she was free, she gently tucked the covers around him.

“Want me to help?” He mumbled.

A muscle clenched deep in her chest at his thoughtfulness. She ran her hand gently over his exposed shoulder. “Nope, go back to sleep.”

He burrowed deeper into the comforter.

After locking the back door, she headed to the horse barn. The farm’s livestock feeding procedure was broken up into parts. First, the horses that stayed in the pasture closest to the house, right outside of the old horse barn, next she would go out on one of the ATVs to feed the cattle that were grazing north of the barns, then back to the eight horses that spent the night in stalls. She would move them to the pasture to the east of the riding arena and clean their stalls. If she kept moving, the entire process should take just over two hours.

Hale was sweating, she had two more stalls to muck out, and then she would go back and spread fresh bedding down to prepare for when they brought the horses in this evening. She checked the clock on her phone and saw that Finn had sent a text about twenty minutes ago saying, “
I miss you.”

She couldn’t help but smile. He was a natural at this couple stuff. She shook off her glove, because any good farm girl knows that you never put your mouth on a glove. Yuck. She slid her finger across the phone’s screen and replied,
“30 minutes. I’ll need to shower, and after I’ll make breakfast.
”

She put her glove back on and went back to mucking.

The house’s warmth was welcome, the temperature was dropping outside and she still felt the bite of the wind on her cheeks. She rested her foot on the bottom stair and looked toward the upper landing. She knew that she had a dopey grin on her face. It felt right, to be heading back to her room, to see Finn in her bed.

She left Miller in the kitchen with a bowl of dog food and she stripped down to her silk tank, panties and thick socks. She paused at her bedroom door and ran her fingers through her sweat-dampened hair.

What am I doing? I smell like shit and horses, but I’m worried about how my hair looks? I’ve totally lost it.
She pushed the door open and found Finn sitting on the side of the bed. She could hear the shower running.

“Are you freezing?” Finn looked so good, so comfortable in his nudity. She was always amazed at how men could lounge around with everything hanging out, when she had to force herself to not cover up.

“Started out that way, and it’s getting colder and the wind is picking up. But cleaning out stalls made me sweat.”

He stood and started toward her, she put up an arm to block him.

“You might want to wait until I wash off. I had to wrestle a full wheelbarrow and it won. It was so bad, that I stripped out of most of my clothes at the back door.” She pulled her tank over her head as she walked into the bathroom.

Finn shouted, “Let me know when you need your back washed.”

She laughed as she stepped into her shower.

They spent the day together. Hale cooked a huge breakfast and after, they had lounged around the den. Finn suggested that they decamp to his house so that he could watch football on his big screen. She could spend the night, picking up her SUV in the morning after it had been repaired.

Hale called Jasmine to apologize for leaving the party without saying good-bye, and to hear a recap of the night’s events. Izzy stopped by during halftime of the early game to tell Hale that Vogels’ Tire would call when her SUV was done.

Finn called for pizza delivery for their dinner. He didn’t keep much food in the house because he ate most meals out. The third football game of the day was now on the television. She was working on her laptop, but glanced at the game from time to time.

“You know that you don’t have to sit here if you’re bored.” Finn pointed at the game on the huge screen.

She typed a few key strokes, then looked up and smiled. “I know. I’m not bored, I like being here with you.”

“What are you working on?” He leaned over to look at the screen.

“It’s an e-mail to Ash. A couple things that I need her to check on.” She shifted closer to Finn.

“How do Enrico and Miguel like using the tablets?”

“We’re still not using it for everything that we could. I think Enrico would rather stop in every morning to make a report.”

“It takes time for people to get used to changes. Plus, if he stops in, Maria will make sure that he is fed a huge breakfast.”

“They’ve worked really hard to adapt to my changes without grumbling to my face. Ashley hears a little more about it, but they are trying. I’m doing my best not to overwhelm them. I’m struggling to pace myself.”

“So what do you have on your schedule for the week?” Finn reached for his iPad that was sitting on the coffee table.

She tapped the computer keys a few times. “Tomorrow, I’m checking in with Jasmine to see what I can do to help with Thanksgiving, and I need to call the doctor to make that appointment. Tuesday, we’re talking to the caterer about the menu for New Year’s Eve, on Thursday eating with the Benton’s, after that, I’m helping at the Community Center early Friday morning. For me that isn’t too much. What’s your calendar like since it is a short week?”

“Well, my love, even though the offices are closed on Thursday and Friday, I’m still booked solid every day this week. Dinner meetings on Monday and Tuesday night, Wednesday morning, I’m going to help pack the meal boxes at the Christian Church for the needy, on Thursday I’m serving the homeless at First Methodist.”

“If you wanted, I could go with you on Thursday morning?” Hale wanted Finn to know that she intended to be by his side. “I can help on Wednesday, too.”

“That would be great.” He kissed her cheek and put the iPad away. “I’ll have Matt e-mail Ashley the schedule.”

“If you wanted to come out to the farm after those dinners and spend the night, that would be nice.” She tried to maintain eye contact, but looked down at the last minute. She worried that he might say “no” and she didn’t want to show how much that would disappoint her.

“Look at you, getting all needy and possessive,” he teased.

She bumped his shoulder with hers; she could feel the heat in her cheeks. “I don’t want to be pushy, but I kinda like having you around.”

“Good, I like being around.” Finn placed her laptop on the coffee table, and pulled her onto his lap. “I like that you said it.” His voice was husky. He settled her more comfortably over his thighs as she looped her arm around his neck.

She ran her fingers through his hair, scratching his head lightly. “It’s still hard for me to say that kind of stuff out loud, it’s been a really long time since I’ve wanted to.” She wet her lips. “What you said was true, life with my mom did a lot of damage. I want this to work out for us so much, that it really scares me.”

“Babe, I know. I realize that you are in this with me.” Finn ran his hand up and down her arm to comfort her. “We’ve got to put that shit behind us. We were young and dumb about our relationship. You left so that you could have a shot at getting better.”

“You really believe that?” She watched him closely.

“Yeah.” He gave her a sweet smile. “You came back and I fell for this version of you, all over again.”

Wow
, he seemed to really believe that. She returned his smile.

“Now, you’ve got to stop doubting things. We are good together, Hale. This time it’s going to last.”

“It’ll get easier,” she assured him.

“You know that we are going to have disagreements, probably will have a few blow-outs, some take no prisoner fights, but I’m not going to leave you just because we disagree.”

“I should be the one promising you that. I’m not going to leave either, this time when there’s a problem, I’m going to bring it to your attention, then fight with you until we’re forced to deal with it. I swear.” Her hands were gripping his shirt.

“I love you, Hale.” Finn’s hand was in the back of her hair, holding tightly as he kissed her.

“I love you, too.” This time, Hale initiated the kiss.

“Is it wrong to look forward to our first fight? I keep picturing the make-up sex as being off the charts wild.” Finn’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “Like we won’t be able to walk for days afterward.”

“Be careful what you wish for, I have some experience with a crop and spreader bar.” Her laugh was pure evil.

Finn joined her laughter, but she felt his cock stiffen at her threat.

****

The late afternoon sun was shining through Jasmine’s kitchen windows as Hale watched her friend push the turkey back into the oven. The Thanksgiving meal was on schedule, which meant that they could relax a little. The women were sitting around the table, some drinking wine, and talking. The men were in the family room watching football, and the kids were either in the basement playing or with the men. The group was made up of relations from both sides of the Benton family, staff from the law firm, and friends.

“That bird sure looks good, honey. I hope the ham won’t be dry.” Poppy had taken the chair at the head of the table.

“Miss Poppy, I don’t think that you could make a dry ham, even if you tried. We all know that you’re an excellent cook.” Hale smiled at the older woman.

Jasmine moved closer and reached over her shoulder for a stalk of celery from the veggie tray sitting on the table. “Suck up.”

“You know it.” Hale laughed.

“I noticed that you walked across the backyard with Finn earlier. So how are things going, Hale?” Poppy asked the question, and every woman at the table waited to hear her answer.

“Mama!” Jasmine tried to stop the inquiry before it went any farther. “Don’t put Hale on the spot like that.”

“Yeah, don’t put me on the spot,” Hale joined in. However, she was expecting to be questioned, and fought a smile.

“If not now, then will there be a question and answer segment at the end of the night?” Ashley teased.

“No, the deadline for questions was yesterday, and none were submitted,” Jasmine added.

“I just wondered how you two were doing? This time.” Poppy added dramatically.

Hale let out an audible breath and sat up straighter in her chair. “It is new, and yet, it’s old. I mean, it’s been less than a month.” She bit her lip to help control the joy that she felt every time she thought about Finn. She was certain that she was glowing. “We jumped right into serious. We are committed and I’m very happy.”

She glanced at Jasmine and saw that her eyes were filled with tears.

She started to ask, but Jasmine waived her off and mouthed. “So happy for you.”

“That’s good, child.” Poppy gave Hale an approving nod.

“Now Miss Poppy, do me a favor, go ask Finn the same question. Why should I be the only one put on the hot seat?” Hale gave Poppy a challenging grin.

“Oh, I’m sure that Moe has put many questions to him. He thinks of you like his other child.” Poppy answered.

Ashley looked directly at Jasmine and said, “Girls night.”

The two women giggled, conspiring together. Warmth filled Hale’s heart, and she joined in, giggling like a crazy woman.

Jasmine checked the clock, and started to stand. Cousin May caught her attention and asked, “What needs to be done? I can do it.”

“Time to put the appetizers out on the sideboard.” Jasmine looked in the direction of the platters on the counter by the refrigerator.

Izzy walked through the kitchen door. “Hey, honey, some of us are getting hungry.”

Jasmine shook her head at her husband, “We’re putting the appetizers out right now. Want to help?”

Izzy paused, looking a little confused. The kitchen was Jasmine’s domain. He might grill but otherwise he had nothing to do with the kitchen duties. May put a platter of crackers into his hands.

“Put those on the sideboard,” May ordered. Then she looked at Jasmine. “You tell us what all needs to go out, and you sit. We can take care of this.” Two other ladies stood to help.

That left Jasmine, Hale, and Poppy at the table.

“So Hale, what do you think of my daughter’s idea, about buying her daddy’s pharmacy?” Poppy turned her attention back to Hale.

Jasmine looked nervous and started playing with a napkin.

“I support it,” Hale answered. “It’s a viable concept and a needed service.”

“I think that Jasmine wants to be more like you. You’ve got your big business degree, and helping Wes out. I worry that Jasmine feels like she needs to turn herself into a businesswoman.”