Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (21 page)

“Later,” UDGD says as he gets up to go
to the dining hall. The other two agree, and go down
stairs.

Entering the dining room, the group is
instantly struck with the strength of the food’s aroma. Each plate
has a collection of soft, expertly-basted meats surrounding it,
creating a steamy, intoxicatingly-delicious scent. In each goblet
is a thick stout, of which IMRM had just an hour ago found a large
barrel of some pungent liquid.

“ALCOHOL! ALL RIGHT!” SISY yells with
intense excitement, clenching his teeth in the overwhelming thought
of guzzling down godly nectar. UDGD does his best to frown amidst
the perfect banquet. He has to find something to complain about, or
IMRM will have won.

“... Vegetables, what the hell?” UDGD
says with a morbid scowl. DTO calmly takes his seat, and begins
eating, utilizing his usually quite-good manners in company; quite
different from Mr. Honkers who basically inserts his face into the
meal and becomes one with it.

“Do you not like vegetables?” IMRM
questions with a slight tilt of the head.

“Do you have a vagina? Of course I
don’t,” UDGD says with a manly scowl. IMRM pauses a
moment.

“Well, if you would prefer it, I could
remove them for you.”

“Yeah, you better,” UDGD threatens
lightly as he watches IMRM take his plate and turn to go to the
kitchen.

“Hey, can I have those?” DTO asks,
finding the steamed vegetables quite good. UDGD and SISY look on in
some kind of shock.

“Peh, you like veggies?”

“I’m surprised,” SISY and UDGD says,
one claiming to hate veggies right out, and the other putting up
the forefront of eating them out of necessity. DTO is set back a
second.

“Ha, just kidding! Get rid of this
green shit,” DTO says as he waves IMRM away. The tall enigma tilts
his head again in thought, and then nods.

“Very well,” IMRM says as he goes to
the kitchen, rids the plate of any greens, and then returns to UDGD
with a plate of only meat.

“Good,” UDGD says upon retrieving his
new, less-healthy plate. DTO feels that IMRM, as strong as he is,
must be rather weak-willed to let himself be pushed around like
that. If he were IMRM, he’d have smashed UDGD’s face in for such
disrespect.

“I’m glad I could accommodate your
tastes,” IMRM says with a nod of the head. SISY and DTO find it
more than a little strange that IMRM is so easily walked on. SISY
presumes it’s because he values their manly friendship just that
much, whereas DTO thinks he might be weak, or have the hots for
UDGD; or something else weird like that.

“Whatever,” UDGD responds as he
promptly begins stabbing pieces of meat, and devouring whole, uncut
chunks. Were this the day before, DTO would have spoken up, but it
seems that UDGD considers him “too cool” to challenge his own
views. The group eats silently with the exception of the sound of
Mr. Honkers and SISY ravenously shoveling food into their mouths,
when IMRM, who has been leaning against the wall, looks up, and
then turns his head as if he were staring off into the
distance.

“It seems that something is
approaching,” he says, turning back to the others. SISY and DTO
quickly exchange glances. How would he know that?

“Really? I guess we might as well check
then,” DTO says, leaving his half-finished plate for
later.

“Yeah, I’ll come with you,” SISY adds,
pushing aside his well-cleaned plate.

“I will come with the two of you,
then,” IMRM also adds with his simple, courteous nod. The three of
them march up to the roof, leaving UDGD and Mr. Honkers together.
There is an awkward pause, as both of them have finished their
meals. Now that he is done eating, Mr. Honkers seems interested in
little else other than that thick operation manual for his little
device. UDGD waits a moment, and then decides that the others would
make far better company. His decision to leave is solidified once
Mr. Honkers lets loose a horrendous fart, charmingly accommodated
with a “pbbbbhhhhht” noise.

“I’ll go with ‘em.”

“You better,” is the sum of their quick
exchange of words.

UDGD climbs up the steps, and notes the
distinct sound of SISY, yelling in excitement; oh boy.

“-OOOOOOOA! SO COOOOOOOOOOO-” SISY
continues to scream at the top of his lungs with a maniac tone.
UDGD climbs to the top and looks on to behold one of the most
incredible sights he has experienced in his life.

Hovering a hundred feet off of the
ground, casting an oppressive shadow of freedom and justice, is an
enormous flying island with what looks like a city of white stone
resting upon it. The island is traveling this way, and then stops
about fifty feet away. UDGD can spot several men standing at the
edge of the island on what looks like a runway of sorts. The one
dressed in the most condescending and flamboyant of armors out of
the group steps forward. Suddenly a spell-circle appears on the
side of the island, signifying that a voice-amplification spell is
working to bring the leader’s words to UDGD and his
comrades.

“You are trespassing onto the lands of
the kingdom of Smashland. State your business or prepare for
ultimate justice!” the leader says from the island to the tower.
UDGD quickly finds fault with this man’s attitude, and speaks up
first.

“That’s none o’your business. Get out
of our way,” UDGD says with a manly scowl. UDGD can hear laughing
from the island as the various armored men across him chuckle at
the threat.

“I don’t think we’ll be doing that. The
Doom Dragoons of Smashland have taken a solemn oath to protect our
land, and you, evil pirates, have no choice than to surrender or
die a painful, manly, blood-gurgling death,” the leader responds
with a cocky demeanor. Mr. Honkers comes up, hearing the
conversation.

“What are you scrubs doing? Who are
these guys?”

“We are her royal majesty’s force of
elite soldiers: THE DOOM DRAGOONS!” the leader claims, this time
finishing with an excited yell. Quickly the various men strike cool
poses when the name of their force is called out. UDGD rolls his
eyes, whereas SISY finds their excitement quite
relatable.

“Wow. I’ve heard some lame names
before, but that’s just horrible,” Mr. Honkers says as he crosses
his short, stubby arms.

“YOU! The one with the big purple hair!
Dare you talk down to the servants of her majesty, the
queen?!”

“Yes,” Mr. Honkers replies simply. The
leader cringes in surprise. No one has ever said that to him
before. To disrespect a servant of the queen is on par with
treason. The leader crosses his arms, and the now-quite-serious
members of the squad step up to the edge.

“I see you’re quite new here. For this,
I will forgive you for that major disrespect towards the throne of
Smashland. Now surrender, and you will still escape with
you-”

“Bite me, dweeb.”

“Naw.”

“I’M TOO PUMPED TO NOT FIGHT!” Mr.
Honkers, UDGD, and SISY respond respectively. IMRM reaches inside
of his cloak, ready to fight. DTO looks around in shock,
dumbfounded that these men can resort to deadly combat so quickly;
he really shouldn’t be surprised.

“Wait! Wait wait wait! Everyone, we can
talk this through!” DTO says, stepping up in an attempt to pacify
the two groups.

“Shut up, idiot.”

“It’s too late to apologize, attack!”
UDGD and the leader say. Quickly, the various men at the other side
of the island begin running forward at an intense speed, as if the
people themselves were just about to lift off and take to the air.
The five draw out their weapons, with the exception of Mr. Honkers,
who leaps onto the throne and activates the mech tower’s movement.
UDGD scoffs, seeing the various “doom dragoons” run forward with
such speed, as if they were just about to jump off the island to
their deaths. The nine other dragoons rush for the edge, and with a
simultaneous movement, all jump off the island, soaring into the
air, and falling forward right onto the tower with unbelievable
dexterity. DTO is shocked at their display of incredible speed and
leaping-ability, but cuts his marveling short, as one is hurtling
towards him with a long, jagged lance.

ENGAGE!

DTO meets his rapier to the dragoon’s
lance, but is in the same moment outranged and steps aside, barely
dodging the tip, thrusting to penetrate his face. UDGD steps up and
smashes the dragoon from behind, shearing the armor and revealing
the dragoon’s face just long enough to show a confused, shocked
expression the moment before the axe cleaves through his skull,
spilling his blood and brains everywhere. The other dragoons are
shocked at this cowardice, two on one, and decide to rid themselves
of their own rules of honor. The eight dragoons draw their own
lances, and charge forward. UDGD, DTO, SISY and IMRM raise their
guards around Mr. Honkers, who is frantically tapping the confusing
controls to the mechanized building.

“Two each, it seems,” IMRM
says.

“NOT ENOUGH!” SISY yells as he breaks
rank and rushes forward.

“Shit!”

“Dumbass!” DTO and UDGD say in unison
as SISY throws his blade down into one of the dragoons, parting the
armor from itself and parting the man’s right arm from the rest of
his body. Quickly the other dragoons thrust at SISY, who simply
takes the impalings and continues swinging with hysterical
excitement. The other three rush forward and provide the extra
manpower needed. With mechanical accuracy IMRM strikes his scythe
through three pairs of hands, disarming nearly half of the
remaining dragoons. DTO and UDGD match up to alternatively deliver
punishing, defensive strikes and aggressive, killer strikes to
three others. SISY, impaled on the lance of the final dragoon,
grips the weapon, raises his fist, and smashes his enemy in the
face.

“What the hell are you guys doing?!
Kill them!” the leader yells from across the divide on the island.
SISY pulls the spear out of his uncovered chest, and thrusts back,
running the dragoon through with both the lance, and his giant
sword. The dragoon, the last one remain after DTO and UDGD’s
barrage of strikes and swings, convulses in pain as SISY pulls the
two weapons in opposing directions, opening the man’s chest cavity
up like a surgeon. Then, amidst the blood spewing out of the wound,
SISY reaches in, shears open his ribcage, tears out his heart, and
shoves it right into the man’s throat.

“HOW DOES IT TASTE?!” SISY screams into
the man’s face as his pupils dilate into nothingness. Seeing his
force of men so easily and brutally slaughtered, the leader of the
dragoons draws out his own lance. With a loud bang, the weapon is
spilled from its sheath, obviously displaying its magical
status.

“I’ll make you pay for this!” the man
yells as he too runs off and leaps forward. The man looks like a
far-more capable fighter when compared to the others. The three
group up (SISY excluded, as he is busy punching the corpse of the
man he killed in the face) as fire blazes out of the man’s lance,
soaring forward to kill them all. The captain of the Doom Dragoons
lands square on the edge of the tower, creating a sizable explosion
and pushing DTO off his feet. He is pulled up by IMRM, and he
steels himself for the real fight.

“I’ll make sure it takes a while,” the
captain says as he flexes his huge, armor-covered
muscles.

“I think not, nerd-scrub,” Mr. Honkers
responds with an air of perfect relaxation.

“Eh?” is all the captain says, before
he is utterly ruined. From the side of the tower, comes the
enormous, house-sized left arm of the tower, sweeping across over
the head just low enough to smash the dragoon. The arm is lifted,
and all that remains is the obliterated, confused mess of the
captain’s blood, organs, armor, and bones, all tangled together in
an incoherent blob of gore.

VICTORY!

“Nice job!” DTO says with relief as
wipes the blood and sweat off of his brow. Mr. Honkers hops off,
stretches, and shrugs.

“Yeah, pretty normal for me, actually,”
he says as he adjusts his neon-purple goggles. UDGD is quiet a
moment, tying it all together, and then sighs.

“Not bad, I guess,” he admits,
appreciating the help, but still thinking he could have one-on-oned
that guy easily. Mr. Honkers basks in the praise as SISY,
completely covered in the blood of his enemies, stands back up. He
looks up, lifting his hands to the sky, and lets loose an excited,
ultimately-pleasured laugh as he marvels at the reflection of his
bloody hands against the light of the sky. DTO and Mr. Honkers look
upon the display with disgust, finding it quite disturbing to have
someone so turned on by violence in their group. UDGD on the other
hand, makes no note of it, as he is usually the kind of person to
let people be however they want, as long as it doesn’t screw with
what he is.

“Heh... hehehehe... not bad, not bad at
all,” SISY finally says as he turns his head to the
others.

“Are you... okay?” DTO asks, noting the
several wounds in SISY’s chest.

“Never better,” the intensely muscular
swordsman responds with a smile, just as sane as his
usual.

“Well, okay,” DTO says as he turns his
face away from SISY, the island, and the several mutilated
corpses.