Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (17 page)

“So, where are we setting up camp?” DTO
asks after the drums take a small break for dramatic silence. Mr.
Honkers, at the forefront of the group rolls his eyes under his
bright, super-technologically-advanced goggles that make him look
like a serious sissy.

“Quiet, noob. Only pros get to talk
about choosing campsites,” he says with his usual tone of absolute
condescension. DTO’s only response as the group finds the end of
the tunnel is a quiet huff.

At the other end is solid metal doorway
with a sizeable padlock on the latch. Seeing this, Mr. Honkers lets
loose a devious chuckle.

“Just as I thought.” Mr. Honkers cracks
his knuckles.

“What did you think?” SISY asks with a
smile, becoming excited again seeing the prospect of civilization
in this cave, and thus the prospect of people to fight.

“Did you really think I would settle
for freezing in the cold mountains when I could sleep in a bed in a
huge, heated, luxurious tower?” Honks responds as he inspects the
padlock on the door. SISY smirks; Mr. Honkers may know a thing or
two, but he’s still a serious baby to actually hunt down
comfortable places to sleep.

“Huh, so we’re going into this cave to
get to the tower? How did you even know it was connected?” DTO
questions, crossing his arms inside of his mysterious cloak for
warmth.

“Well duh. Did you think someone as
handsome and smart as me would opt to sleep in some dank-stupid
cave? The swamp homes were bad, but a cave? Naw- now shut up,” Mr.
Honkers says as he steps back from the door. “Now then, the lock
looks magical, so we’ll have to smash through the door’s hinges
instead,” he adds, causing a look of distress on DTO’s
face.

“But the door’s metal! There’s no way
we could smash through the hing-”

“SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BABIES. THIS IS
WHAT TRUE MANLY TEAMWORK SPIRIT IS FOR! DEATH, INSANELY MASCULINE
ROBOT DUDE, LET’S DO THIS!” SISY yells with intense excitement as
he steps up to the door and raises his foot. IMRM does as he is
told, and after a few seconds UDGD decides he might as well lend a
hand.

All three having approached the door,
they then enter their stances for what they consider would be
effective for smashing in a 250 kilo door.

“MANLY MEN ON TEN! READY?!” SISY takes
a deep breath.

“Yes.” IMRM leans his head
in.

“I’m not going to say th-”

“ONETWOTHREEFOURFIVESIXSEVENEIGHTNINETEN! MANLY
MEEEEEN!”

“Manly men!” two of the three exclaim
as they, along with UDGD, smash their feet into the door, shearing
the hinges on the first strike and pressing the door out of its
frame. The large door falls inward with a satisfying “clung” sound,
thudding on the ground. Immediately filling the cavern is a light
not made by IMRM, coming from the connected room.

“ALL RIGHT! NICE JOB, FRIENDS! SEE?
THIS IS THE POWER OF THE-”

“WHO THE HELL IN HELL DICK SHIT HELL
DARES ENCROACH ON MY DOMAIN?!” an incredibly manly voice booms from
what seems like all around them. Mr. Honkers sighs. Upon the
voice’s order, the Subspace Orchestra’s once subtle and quiet
drums, erupt into a shaking, epic smashing of the manliest and
coolest of drums – the Reader knows which ones the Author is
talking about- those super cool, intense ones.

“Scrubs, you should’ve kicked it open
more quietly. Now he knows we’re here.”

“Pffft, sorta hard to kick open a door
quietly, Honky,” SISY says, getting on the offensive.

“Sh-shut up, nerd! I told you that you
can’t call me that! Only cool people can use the language of the
cool peo-”

“DID YOU STUPID FAGGOTS HEAR ME? STOP
JACKING OFF AND REVEAL YOUR IDENTITIES!” the voice explodes again,
sounding really, really angry and manly. The group exchanges
glances a moment, and Mr. Honkers speaks up.

“What’s up. I’m Mr. Honkers, the
coolest of the cool. With me are my minions and butt-slaves. They
wipe my butt not... you know. We have come to request refuge from
the cold, so that we may-”

“HELL DICK SHIT SHIT DICK ON FIRE SHIT
NO! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BREAK DOWN MY FAVORITE SECRET CAVERN
DOOR LIKE SOME DICK ANUS ON FIRE DICK AND THINK YOU CAN PUSSY GET
AWAY WITH IT?!”

“Mr. Honkers,” IMRM speaks to the side
to the short one.

“Yeah, nerd?”

“I believe this person we are speaking
with is suffering from Tourette’s syndrome, and also seems to have
problems managing his anger. If you are to win him over to our
cause, you’re going to have to be very clear and poli-”

“Hey, scrub nerd!” Mr. Honkers yells
into the well-lit room, cutting off IMRM’s sound advice. There is a
short pause.

“YEAH?!”

“Your mom is a nerd.”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I’M GOING
TO TEAR OUT YOUR EYES, THEN SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS, THEN TEAR OUT
YOUR ASS FILLED WITH YOUR EYES, AND THEN SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR
THROAT, AND THEN TEAR OUT YOUR THROAT, AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR-” the
mighty voice continues on, thinking up more and more very creative
ways to threaten the group.

“I bought us some time, let’s get in
there and beat ‘em down!” Mr. Honkers commands as he signals IMRM
to lead.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: THE XOST XTREME
XIZARD (AKA: I’M THE REAL HIGH OVERLORD!)

Rushing into a storage room filled with
barrels of mead and wine, IMRM leads the group through the deepest
basement level of the tower amidst the frantic, angered cursing of
the seemingly omni-present voice, threatening ultimate manly doom
to each. The group moves up a broad spiral staircase, hugging the
circular wall, all the way up to the first basement level, which is
where the tower-master’s servants meet them.

They’re well equipped, armed to the
teeth and of several different races, from halfling to dragon-kin.
Their weapons seem to have a glowing quality to them; UDGD quickly
presumes magical. All in all, they are about nine in
number.

“Stop, trespassers! This is the sacred
tower of the super-ultimate-badass wizard, Xavior Xerxes Xein!” the
only elf in the group says, his hand securely resting on his staff.
This elf ticks UDGD off way too much. The elf seems to be the
perfect magical sissy stereotype, considering his probably
enchanted staff, his tall, feminine frame, and his indignant air of
condescension.

“Yeah? So?” UDGD questions, feeling
threatened and irritated enough to take initiative and take this
matter into his own hands. The voice of Xavior explodes in a scream
of rage over the group.

“SO?! SO?!!??! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU
IGNORANT PRICK, I’M AN ULTIMATE BADASS WIZARD, WAY MORE MAGICAL
THAN YOUR RETARD ASS. YOU SHOULD BE BROUGHT TO YOUR KNEES AT THE
SOUND OF MY VOICE! I KILL EVERYTHING! OWN EVERYTHING! THERE’S
NOTHING THAT’S OUT OF MY REACH! GUARDS! KILL THESE STUPID DICK
FAGGOT SHITS!” the voice proclaims with Xtreme might.

“Yes sir!” each of the nine guards
respond the moment before they rush forward. SISY
laughs.

ENGAGE!

SISY, always the one that is excited
for violence, meets the front man of the opposing group, a tall,
muscular dragon-kin wielding a pole arm, with a strong overhead
strike. The ancestor of dragons raises his armament with impressive
speed, and blocks. SISY’s grin only extends, pleasured with the
chance to fight. As the rest of the nine move up to engage, SISY
finds himself double-teamed by the dwarf, thrusting at him with one
of those wide–bladed dwarven swords. At this same time, the others
are engaged by the remaining six, the last one, the elf, casting
magic from the back of the room.

UDGD meets with the halfling and a
human, backing up to DTO, who is fighting two other humans. The
Grim Axeman delivers a brutal strike to the first swordsman,
breaking through his guard easily and smashing his axe into the
guard’s ribcage. DTO has no choice, he has to draw his rapier clear
into UDGD’s view, or he’ll die. DTO pulls out his blade and parries
the incoming strikes of the three others, giving UDGD ample time to
lift for another strike and divide the little halfling by two,
painting his axe with a deep crimson. UDGD spares only a moment to
note the rapier carried by DTO, and then continues on. The other
two in the group, IMRM and his short, apparently quite smart
companion are engaged by another three.

“Make these noobs sorry!” Mr. Honkers
commands as he pulls out his small device. IMRM draws his scythe to
the task and only a second or two passes before the group of
three’s hands are torn into mangled, twisted, scattered masses of
bones and bloody flesh.

The elf at the back, speaking in what
Mr. Honkers thinks sounds like the most common of lightning magic
languages, points him out to the group as IMRM rushes forward to
help DTO and UDGD. SISY gives Mr. Honkers a quick nod as he impales
the dragon-kin, being dealt a final strike from his foe, who, now a
bleeding mess, stabs at SISY’s leg with his pole arm. SISY, wounds
bleeding profusely, does not halt to note his wounds but instead
rushes up to the mage, who is only able to utter a single syllable
of the finishing magical phrase that casts the spell. SISY sweeps
his enormous blade through the elf’s legs, smashing the bones with
the weight and spewing blood with the edge. The elf’s voice, calm
and calculating just a moment ago, is drowned out by a
blood-curdling scream of pain, giving SISY just enough satisfaction
before he smashes the blade down into the elf, ending his life in a
bloody, confused explosion of force that sends his entrails
wrapping around the sword. SISY pulls his blade from the elf that
looks as though he was just run over by a giant knife, and turns to
look at the others. Everyone is perfectly fine, painted with the
blood of nine different creatures.

VICTORY!

“THAT WAS AWESOME! GOOD JOB, EVERYONE!”
SISY barks with dilated pupils.

“Pshaw. It’s always awesome when I’m
around,” Mr. Honkers says with a grin.

DTO eyes UDGD carefully; he seems
quiet. Is this it? Is he going to die? UDGD obviously saw his
sword.

“Eh, hey, Death,” DTO asks with a
skittish, fear-stricken smirk.

“Yeah?” UDGD replies. DTO pauses a
moment, thinking of a way to ask him if he realized anything. He
might as well be blunt.

“Did anything strike you as peculiar
about my swor-?”

“Shut up, scrub! We don’t have time for
your sissy discussion. We need to stick it to the wizard!” Mr.
Honkers cuts in. DTO sighs, masking his slight relief that UDGD
doesn’t seem angry or suspicious, as shown by his simple, calm
reply.

“Alright, let’s go,” DTO says, words
skewed with a sigh of relief.

“DICK SHIT FUCK RIGHT, YOU LITTLE DICK
SHIT FUCKS! YOU CAN ALRIGHT, LET’S GO STRAIGHT TO STUPID DICK HELL!
HOLY SHIT AM I SICK OF YOU LITTLE SHITS SHITTING AROUND ALL OVER MY
PLACE. I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THOSE FUCKING BODIES! WHAT THE ASS BUTT
IS WRONG WITH YOU? FUCK! MY MOTHER WAS A VERY KIND WOMAN! SHE SURE
AS HELL WASN’T A NERD LIKE YOU-”

“She was also a hussy,” Mr. Honkers
adds.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK YOU! I’M GOING
TO RAPE YOU! YOU JUST COME UP HERE AND I’LL SHOW YOU HOW MUCH OF A
HUSSY SHE WA- SHUT UP! YOU’RE ALL DICKS, AND I HOPE YOU’RE READY TO
HAVE YOUR ASSES BLOWN ALL THE FUCK WAY TO-” Xavior continues his
enraged rants as Mr. Honkers again points IMRM forward, who again
leads the group upward. They pass through floor after floor filled
with important-looking arcane tomes and objects, each one looking
like little else than sissy trash to UDGD.

He’s surprised someone sounding this
angry and manly would dabble in sissy lame magic, but then again,
so did the leader of the pyromancers. Neither of these guys are
anywhere near as manly and edgy as UDGD, but they were certainly
manly in their own rights; could he be missing something to the
manliness equation? UDGD scoffs the thought away as he bolts with
his comrades all the way up to the penultimate floor, the one right
under the throne of the great ultimate badass wizard.

The room, plated in solid gold, is
filled with countless war trophies, most of them heads and severed
limbs. Onward are the stairs to the top, and to the side there in a
door, leading to an adjacent room. All around them, they can feel
the strong magical vibrations of Xavior.

“Okay, this should be the final floor
before we meet him, is everyone ready? I presume he will try to
kill us,” IMRM says, slowing down just a moment to turn to the
group. Mr. Honker hums to himself in thought, looks over to the
side door, and then looks back to IMRM.

“Let’s check out that closed room, I
bet it’s where he keeps all of his super secret stuff!” the short,
chocolate-skinned man says with a confident afro nod. Before anyone
has the chance to respond, the group can hear, inside their minds,
the ringing of a voice, unspoken for many years.

“You all, you have something of mine,
don’t you?”

-the mysterious, calm, and gravelly
voice says, instantly conjuring thoughts of immense secret
manliness into the minds of the mercenaries. UDGD and the rest turn
from the door, feeling it coming from the side room; everyone, that
is, with the exception of IMRM, who can’t hear a thing.