Wrestling Against Myself (49 page)

Tony grabbed the doll; the entire thing fit in his hand, and pulled it down from where it hung. The only evidence that remained was a piece of tape on the wall that once held the twine noose in place.

“Bunch of sickos!” Tony stormed down the hallway and slammed the doll into the trash.

Tony stood outside the building. He closed his eyes to regain his composure. He was due to lead prayer meeting in mere minutes and needed to get his head on straight.

“Father,” he said just above a whisper. “Forgive them; they know not what they do.”

It was a short prayer, a brief quotation from his savior, but Antonio felt the stress and frustration melt away. He could now lead other students in prayer and hopefully this next wave of attacks would come to as swift an end as the first wave. He hoped Courtney could persevere in the face of persecution. Tony figured if he was on the receiving end of such treatment, he might have snapped and left his Christian morals on the doorstep as he tore into others.

Since someone had already broken into the locker the day before, Antonio had an uneasy feeling about things, but was at a loss for what to do. He knew Courtney didn't go to her locker first thing in the morning and didn't know exactly when she changed out her books for the day. He could have kicked himself for not suggesting she leave her books in his car, anything to have her avoid her tormentors.

Antonio couldn't wait for lunch so he could talk to his friend. There was a good chance she didn't open her locker yet and an even slimmer chance that the assault on her sanity didn't continue. He spent the prayer meeting and his morning classes distracted, trying to figure out what message was sent by putting a noose around a doll. “Is someone threatening her with death?” he thought as he sat alone at his usual table. “If it's that serious, I should go to school officer and get the sheriff involved.”

Tony was dismayed that the hatred towards Courtney could be so severe that it would drive someone to murder. If someone wanted to do the girl harm, it wasn't difficult to figure out she took the same path to school every morning, cutting through the ditch and making her way across the practice field.

“I wonder why I haven't seen her in the morning.” Tony thought as he watched Carl and Tracy make their way to the front of the lunch line. “Maybe she stopped sneaking into school. Maybe her mom is driving her in the morning to be on the safe side.”

Antonio pulled out a Tupperware container from his brown paper bag. He was getting tired of eating sandwiches and was worried he was eating too much bread lately.

“A salad,” Carl said incredulously as he joined his teammate.

“A chef's salad,” Tony said as he added some balsamic vinegar dressing. “It's got chicken, ham and little grape tomatoes.”

“Not very manly,” Tracy chimed in.

“It's not very manly to have a paunch and giggle every time you laugh, right Carl?”
 

“I do not have a paunch,” Carl was defensive.

Tony laughed. “Right. I thought you were cutting weight, what's up with the fries.”

“I'm doing good, Tiny.” Carl grabbed a handful of fries and put them on Tracy's tray. “And I've been running after school. I don't need to get down to my weight class, just in striking distance.”

“Good for you,” Tony praised.

“Yeah, he's losing weight while trying to pack it onto me,” Tracy said glumly.

Antonio found his plastic fork and began to eat his salad. “Do you know why someone would tie
a noose around a doll's neck?”

“No, why?” Tracy looked up from her try.

“I don't know why, thought you might have an idea.”

“Oh, it wasn't a joke.” Tracy frowned.

Tony shook his head.

“Courtney?” Carl asked.

“You got it,” Tony said bitterly.

“People need to get a life,” Tracy replied. “Just because they don't agree with what she's doing, doesn't mean they need to get nasty about it. She isn't hurting anyone but herself” 

Tony raised an eyebrow. He was going to ask Tracy to explain what she meant by Courtney hurting herself, but the person in question was walking towards the table with a tray of food in her hand.

“Speaking of the devil,” Carl said as Courtney sat down.

“What I miss?” Courtney settled in. Her eyes were red and puffy, it was evident she had been crying. 

“Nothing much,” Tracy responded for the group. “Wondering how you were doing.”

Courtney made a sour face. “I'm getting by, but people need to grow up.”

“Why?” Carl asked. “What happened?”

“Some idiot keeps breaking into my locker and leaving things behind.”

“More naked pictures?” Tony asked.

“Worse this time,” Courtney said.

“What did they leave?”

“A baby doll.”

“A baby doll as in a toy or as in sexy underwear?” Tracy asked.

“The toy,” Courtney clarified.

“That's not bad,” Carl said after he swallowed a small bite of burger.

“I take it the doll wasn't the only thing in your locker,” Tony said.

“No, there was a note too,” Courtney said, choking on her words. “'You'll never be mommy.'”

“Ouch!” Tracy said.

“
Uncool,” Carl added.

“People can be jerks,” Courtney said. “But I'm not going to let them ruin my day.”

“That's the spirit,” Tony said without as much enthusiasm as he would have liked. “The more you let things bother you, the more people are going to do them. As soon as they see they don't get the reaction they want, they tend to stop; just like them singing that stupid song.”

“I wouldn't worry about it,” Tracy said sympathetically as she leaned toward Courtney. “Lots of women don't bear children and they still make wonderful moms. Maybe when you're ready for it, God will bless you with a child.”

Courtney picked at her food. “I rather not talk about it right now. Let's talk about something fun.”

“We can talk about Carl cutting weight.” Tony offered.

“She said something fun,” Carl countered.

“If Dave and Ted were here, they could tell us something about dragons and goblins.”

“That's right,” Courtney said. “Today is library day. I forget they keep a schedule. Don't they get hungry skipping lunch?”

“I think they're part bird,” Tracy said. “They eat birdseed in the morning and they're good until night.”

Courtney smirked. It looked as if her mind was drifting away from what was found in her locker and onto more trivial things, but Antonio knew better.

It was Wednesday evening and Tony was glad to be at the church. There was still more than an hour before other students would show up for youth group and he liked having time to talk to his spiritual mentor.

Tony sat in the plush chair opposite from Pastor Bob and waited silently as the man read through his sermon notes. He never wanted to infringe on the pastor's study, and held his tongue until the man was done.

“Mr. Tiny.” Pastor Bob said placed the sermon notes face down on the desk. “I was expecting you. There are few things a person can count
on; it's nice to know you show up like clockwork.”

“I like being consistent.”

“When you go off to college, I think I'm going to miss these meetings with you the most.”

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

“Quoting scripture,” Pastor Bob says with a smile. “That's good, but what does it mean to you?”

“It means we can't look towards next year when I won't be here and off at college, if that's what the Lord has willed, but we have to live in the here and now because we have enough to deal with.”

“Very good. Do you have enough to deal with now?”

“More than enough,” Tony said sourly.

Pastor Bob cocked his head sideways and turned serious. “Bigger problems than Tiny can handle?”

“Problems that are stretching me to my limit.”

“The girl?”

Tony nodded.

“So not exactly your problems.”

“Not exactly, but still. Wouldn't it be wrong to turn a blind eye to someone who is suffering?”

“Especially someone you care about?” Pastor Bob asked knowingly.

“I can't figure out why so many people hate this girl.”

“I think you can.”

“Because she is different? Everyone is different.”

“But to some, she is uniquely different. Fear is a major component for the fuel of hatred.”

“How can they be afraid of her?” Tony started to get excited.

“I don't think they are scared of her, in the sense that she can cause them harm. But she challenges long standing beliefs they have and maybe make them question their own lives. A lot of people have the belief that if someone is born with boy parts, that they are to be a boy, no matter what. They're thinking is binary. You are either a boy or a girl and there is no being both or going from one or the other.”

“I can see that. What if she isn't going from one to the other? What if she was always a girl, but her body didn't realize it?”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself,” Pastor Bob asked.

“I'm trying to convince them.”

“You might have to accept
that you can't change what other people think.”

“I know.” Tony slumped in his seat. “I keep thinking about Jesus when those people wanted to stone the adulterous woman.”

“So you got past Matthew six?”

“I still study that every day, but I read elsewhere.”

“What are your thoughts about the passage and how it relates to your life?”

“I see these people around Courtney, trying to destroy her, and I wonder what I need to do or say to make them lay down their stones. I wish I knew what Jesus wrote in the sand, maybe that held the key.”

“You're not the only one who wishes he knew what Jesus wrote. Many scholars speculated he wrote the ten commandments, or maybe one tenant of the law he knew they were guilty of breaking. Remember, it was when they realized they were guilty of sin that they laid down their stones.”

“I don't think I could convince others they're living in sin. Besides, I don't think Courtney is living in sin by doing what she is doing. So I don't know if this applies.”

“They think she is living in sin though. The important thing isn't what the crowd did when they left, but what Jesus did afterward.”

“What did Jesus do?”

“You know the story, Tiny. Jesus asks the woman where her accusers have gone and she says that they left. What does Jesus after that?”

Tony thought for a moment as he reviewed the story in his own mind. “Neither do I condemn thee.”

“Exactly! And that's your duty, to not condemn someone because they don't act the way you want.”