Wrestling Against Myself (45 page)

“So no dolls, no boy band posters; which I give you credit for. What do you collect?”

“Bears! I love teddy bears,” Courtney said with a squeal as she reached behind her and grabbed a fluffy white stuffed animal from amongst her pillows.”

“I only see three,” Tony said as he watched the girl squeeze the toy. “Not much of a collection.”

“That's because I keep most of them in the closet on display,” the small girl said as she sprang to her feet. She opened the French doors on the side of the room to reveal shelves full of teddy bears. “See!”

Antonio stood up and walked over to admire the collection. There were various bears in an assortment of outfits. “Quite impressive. I collect wrestling trophies,” he said proudly. “I put them up on the mantle and keep them out so people can see them.”

“I like my shelves. Every week I take three or four out and put them on the bed and put the old ones where they belong. This way they don't get worn.”

“I noticed that you have bears in leather flying jackets and bears holding pom-poms and even a bear in a Tampa Bay Buccaneer jersey.”

“Yep.”

“But no wrestling bears,” Tony said glumly.

“I got you,” Courtney said as she wrapped her arms around the hulking teen.

“I don't think I would like living in your closet though,” Tony joked as he put an arm around the girl.

“Too bad,” Courtney went along with the joke. “My mom would get upset if you did.”

“Probably.” Tony separated from the girl and returned to the leather chair. “I didn't know Penelope was like you.”

“Kind of like me, not exactly the same.”

“You know what I meant.”

“I know; a girl trapped in a boy’s body.”

“You make it sound like torture,” Tony said.

“Sometimes it is. Life would be easier if everything matched. In time it will.”

Tony figured he caught her meaning but wasn't ready to get into that conversation. “You two went to camp together and it was all girls like you.”

“Yeah,” Courtney said, but her mood turned downward.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Not really.” The girl hemmed and hawed. “It's just when you say 'girl like you,' it makes me feel wrong. Like there is something wrong with me.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

Tony stood up and walked over to the girl. He gently lifted her chin. “It's not your fault either,” he said as he could see the tears well up in her eyes. “I didn't mean to be insensitive.”

Courtney didn't want to cry, but tears fell anyway.

Tony put his arm around the girl and let her cry. He knew there were no words he could say to make her feel better and to try would only cheapen her emotions.

“It's been hard being me all the time,” Courtney sniffled. “School has been horrible. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have survived.”

“Sure you would.” Tony stroked the girl's long hair. “You are very brave, braver than I would have been. Things will get better, trust me. More people are getting to know the real you and there's a lot to like.”

Courtney weakly smiled. “Thanks. By the way, how did you get them to stop singing that stupid song every time I walked down the hall?”

“I didn't,” Tony admitted. “I guess everyone got tired of it. It wasn't that cool or all that funny.”

“You're telling me.”

“See, you didn't need me after all.”

“I wouldn't say that.” Courtney pulled away and dried her eyes with the back of her hand.

“What do you do for fun?” Tony decided they spent enough time discussing serious matters.

“We could always wrestle?”

Tony laughed. “You're not in my weight class, and I think your mom might have a problem with that.”

“Darn! My dad will be home soon, we can wait outside for him.”

“If you want. You think he'll like my Firebird.”

“He'll flip over it. When he was in high school he had a classic Mustang and always talks about it. To him it was the best car ever built.”

“That's cool. As long as we don't get into a debate of what is better, Fords or Pontiacs, I'm all for it.”

“No worries. My dad is pretty cool.”

“Good for you. Come on, let's go.”

The pair of teens sat in front of the garage on folding lawn chairs that Tony carried from the back yard. Mrs. Barnes poured each a glass of mint iced tea in tall plastic cups. It was a nice day and the humidity wasn't bad as the two waited for Courtney's father.

“What do you do for fun?” Tony asked to keep the conversation going.

Courtney took a sip from her pink tumbler. “I like to read, that's always fun.”

“Do you read those trashy romance novels that girls like?”

“No.” Courtney giggled. “My mom won't let me. She thinks they will corrupt me.”

“She's probably right. Pastor Bob always says 'garbage in, garbage out.'”

“I guess he wants you just to read your Bible, huh?”

“Not just,” Tony said with a sly smile.

“I read the Bible. They have those things where you read the Bible all the way through in a year.”

“What did you think?”

“I think a lot of people who claim to be Christians never read a word of it.”

“Unfortunately, I have to agree with you. I hope you don't think I'm one of those people.”

“No. You're probably different than anyone I've ever met,” Courtney said.

“So I'm a weirdo?”

“I didn't say that. I would never say that. But you're a different person than people think you are.”

The revelation took Antonio by surprise. “I am?”

“Before I met you, I thought you were some sort of Greek god. The way people described you I figured once you found out about me, fire would shoot out of your eyes and burn me alive.”

“Is that why you were scared of me the first day?”

“I was scared of everybody. I still I am. I knew going to school as the real me might be a bad idea if people figured things out. Turns out, I was right.”

“It will pass.”

“I hope, but neither of us knows for sure.”

“That's true. Only God knows, and He holds this whole ball of wax in place.”

“You talk about God and church a lot.” Courtney took another sip of her tea.

“It's important. I know you had a bad experience with the church you were at. They probably weren't expecting to see you in dress.”

“They never saw me in a dress.”

“Oh,” Tony said. “From the way you said they kicked you out, I figured you showed up one day and the pastor there had a conniption.”

“I don't operate that way. My mom and I went to speak to him in private, before I went full time as Courtney and had a discussion with him. He was upset we didn't come to him earlier to discuss my 'sin,'” the girl made air quotes. “He said I reveled in sin so long that it would be hard to give up, but if I didn't I was in danger of going to hell.”

“That's terrible. The only requirement to go to heaven is belief and faith in Jesus Christ. He really said that you being you was sin?”

“His exact words. He quoted something from First Corinthians about casting me out and having Satan have his way with me so I could be destroyed and then after I repent, they would accept me back.”

“That's an interesting take on the Bible.”

“He had verses and everything. We stayed an hour as he lectured me on how evil I was.”

Tony could tell the girl was upset. “Why did you stay? Did you try to argue?”

“No. I just listened and thanked him for his time.”

“And he kicked you out of his church?”

“He asked if I was ready to repent and give up my folly.”

“I take it you told him no.”

Courtney nodded. “It wasn't easy. I liked going to that church. But I thought it was a bigger sin living a lie. I was never the boy people thought I was, no matter what my body says. I tried hard to be that person, but I always felt like I was an actress playing a part, never letting people see the real me.”

“I know the feeling.”

“You mean being Tiny, king of Dunedin.”

Tony laughed. “That was your mom's name for me, but in some ways, yes. It's not like Tiny is a different person than who I am; at least I hope not. But there is the myth and there is the man. I try to live up to people's expectations about me, but I have doubts and fears like everyone else.”

“Am I one of those doubts?”

“No. You're one of the pleasant surprises that life brought my way. That's why I like you calling me Antonio. You're the only person who calls me that other than my mom.”

“I feel special.” Courtney beamed.

“You are special, and I'm glad you've let me see the real you.”

“Me too, Antonio.”

“Is reading the only thing you do for fun. Don't you do other stuff, shopping, ballet, gymnastics, those kinds of things?”

“Not really. I'm what my mom likes to call a homebody.”

Tony frowned. “You need to get away from your house more.”

“And go where. For all I know, Peter and his goons have my neighborhood staked out and as soon as I turn a corner. Pow! He's going to bop me right in the mouth.”

“I doubt that. I haven't heard much of him lately. Maybe he found someone new to pick on.”

“Or he's waiting for the perfect moment to strike.”

Tony wanted to tell the girl she was wrong, that he would be around to protect her, but he knew that no matter how much he wanted his words to be true, he couldn't guarantee them. “I was thinking you could come over to my place after school next Friday. You could swim in our pool and meet my mom, kind of like returning the favor.”

“Does your mom know about me?”

“Yeah. I don't keep secrets and you've come up a couple of times.”

“Isn't she afraid I might be contagious?”

“No. She thinks it's difficult for you to be going through what you are, but she doesn't think you're doing anything wrong.”

“That's a switch.”

“Can I ask you something?”
 

“Sure,” Courtney said trying to get the bitterness to subside.

“Do you think you're wrong?”

Courtney looked down at the ground, avoiding eye contact. “I am wrong. I don't think I'm wrong for being Courtney. I think my body is wrong and I wish things would match up.”

“It makes you one more of God's wonders. How about it? Want to come over my house next Friday? I can't promise steak, but my mom makes a good stew.”