Worth It (26 page)

I’m devastated. I thought I was giving him what he wanted. I thought that if I just let him have sex with me and showed him I loved him, then he would love me back.
Aren’t people supposed to be faithful to the people they love?
Rage that I’ve never experienced around him flares up just as the ball bounces in my direction. I pick it up and throw it as hard as I can at him.

“How can you do that to me?” I screech.

He catches the ball easily, his expression blank, before he sneers at me, and all the blood drains from my face.

“You filthy little cunt!” he yells as he rears back and throws the ball full force at me.

I put my hands up to protect my face. The ball hits my pinky finger, and I cry out. I cradle my hand to my chest as pain explodes down my wrist. It hurts so damn bad that I think I might pass out.

I chance a peek down, and my littlest finger is bent the wrong way. It’s white but quickly beginning to bruise. It’s broken. It’s definitely broken. I glance up to see him stalking toward me, his face contorted in rage and hate.
Oh fuck.
I shouldn’t have done that. I really, really shouldn’t have done that. Tears well in my eyes, and I curl into myself. As I cower, I take a few steps back, but he’s quicker, and he reaches me in a second.

Grabbing me tightly by the throat, he leans in close, so his face is inches from mine. “You ever do that again, and I will break more than your finger.”

I shoot up in bed, clutching my throat. I’m breathing fast, hyperventilating, and my heart is racing.
Fuck!
Another dream.
Just a dream.
I clench my teeth and take deep breaths, trying to control my panic. I run a shaky hand down my face. I hate this so fucking much.
Why won’t they go away? I just want to move on and forget about all this shit.
I can’t, and it’s so fucking frustrating.

I reach into my nightstand and grab my box cutter. I stare at it in my shaking hand, and a tear slips down my cheek.
Don’t do it.
I take another deep breath, toss the cutter into the drawer, and flop back on my bed. Trying to summon the calming techniques I’ve used in the past, I think about what triggered the nightmare. It was probably what happened with Jed tonight—or last night, realizing it’s nearly dawn by the very soft light coming through the windows. Thinking about what happened with Jed only causes my stomach to churn with worry. I’m scared that my behavior will scare him off or that I’m overlooking a major red flag in regard to Jed’s temper tantrum.

This is not helping at all.

I decide to try another technique that’s helped in the past, and I attempt to clear my head. I imagine grabbing the memory and putting it into a small wooden box. Then, I take the box and throw it in a fire, willing everything inside it to burn away and disappear.

I laugh to myself. I’m so freaking stupid, but at least it made me laugh. Laughing is better than crying. It’s better than fear. I feel calmer now, and my panic isn’t as suffocating, so I pull up Jed memories again. I think about the way he looks at me, like I’m beautiful, like I mean something to him. I think about the tender kisses he gives me, the casual touches, the huge smiles, everything. The way he acts around me shows that he cares about me, makes me feel like I’m worth something.

Thinking about Jed this way helps. It puts me in my happy place.

I giggle at myself because now I’m quoting
Happy Gilmore.

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

I laugh to myself. I love that movie. I take a deep breath, feeling a lot better. I’m satisfied that I’ve buried the terror back down to where it can’t hurt me. I take another deep breath and let it out slowly before closing my eyes and drifting back to sleep with the sweet, wonderful memories of Jed on my mind.

“Hey, girlie,” Shannon says when she answers the phone.

“Hey, you,” I reply quietly as I finish getting ready for work.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, concerned.

I sigh heavily. “I need some advice.” I give her a recap of what happened last night.

She chuckles. “I thought Jared was friendlier than normal, so I think I can understand Jed’s reaction. It was maybe a little extreme, but I understand it.”

“You thought Jared was flirting, too?” I ask, confused.

She sighs. “Sweetie, he’s always all over you. I used to think he wanted you, but as time went on and nothing happened, I think maybe he sees you as his little sister. You know how protective he can be of you, so maybe he was trying to throw Jed off.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I concede. “So, you don’t think Jed getting so angry is a red flag?”

“Honey, everyone has faults, and as long as he wasn’t threatening or violent, I wouldn’t immediately label it as a red flag or a deal-breaker. You know Chad can lash out when he’s upset, too. You should also keep in mind that Jed said he wasn’t used to the whole jealousy thing, and he’s learning to deal with these emotions. Guys and emotions are like oil and water—they never mix well. Just keep an eye on it.”

I sigh, feeling lighter. “Yeah, Shan, you’re probably right. This is just hard for me. I don’t want to slip back into bad habits.”

She sounds genuinely happy when she says, “Hon, the fact that you’re saying that makes me so damn happy that I could cry. I don’t think I could have handled biting my tongue if you had gotten yourself involved with another shitstick.”

A giggle erupts from within me. “When have you ever bitten your tongue? You told Sam he was a slimy asshole.”

“That
was
me biting my tongue, lady. He’s lucky I didn’t run him over with my car.”

“Too bad you didn’t.” I laugh.

I can picture her smile when she says, “I’m so happy you found someone awesome, honey. Jared will see that, and he’ll come around, too.”

“I hope so.” I have a stabbing feeling in my gut. Jared’s been in my life along time. He probably doesn’t even know how his idle chit chat helps me keep it together when I’m down. “So, you don’t think I’m becoming dependent?”

She sighs. “There is a difference between healthy dependence and trust and unhealthy dependence. It’s not healthy to disappear and let that person consume who you are. In a healthy relationship, it’s okay to lean on someone and trust him. You guys seem to be moving fast, but you’ve also spent almost every day together for over a month, so having some trust and attachment is okay and normal.”

“Who are you? Confucius?” I say sarcastically. Her words of wisdom make my heart beat furiously with hope even though I try desperately to avoid the dreaded H-word. Hope only makes disappointment worse.

“Har, har, har,” she mock laughs. “You know I’m a genius.”

“Yes, Einstein, your logic and wit are both charming and helpful. Thanks, girl,” I say in a soft voice.

“No problem, sista. You know I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks, girl. I should let you go though, so I can finish getting dressed.”

“All right, chica. You know I’m always here to talk. Love you.”

“Love you, too, babe. I’ll talk to you later,” I say.

“Later.”

I smile as I hang up.
God, I love her.

When Jed pulls up, I bolt out the door, so he doesn’t come up to the house. I’ll admit guiltily that I’m a little embarrassed of my mom. I love her, but she’s definitely kind of crazy. There’s only so much crazy I’m willing to expose to Jed at a time. The way things seem to be going, I know that he’ll meet my parents at some point, but I need to put that off for a bit.
Baby steps.

Jed seems like he’s in a great mood on the way to my work.

When I point it out, he says, “Why wouldn’t I be happy when I get to see your beautiful face first thing in the morning?”

I love the crap out of these sweet moments. He apologizes again for his freak-out, and I reassure him that I’m not upset, and I understand.

After Jed pulls up into the parking lot and shifts it into park, he says, “Mind if I stop in after the lunch rush?”

I smile. “I’d love that. I might have to do some restocking and prep work, but I should be able to hang for a bit.”

He grins and leans in to give me a quick kiss. “That works for me, baby.”

I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him back to me for another kiss. When I pull back, I say, “Good. See you in a few hours.”

“Bye, babe.”

“Bye,” I say before opening the door, hopping out, and pushing it closed.

I walk into work with a gigantic grin on my face.

Lunch hour is busy, which is fine. I usually prefer to be busy and not have idle time, especially when I am working with Douchey McBallhair. There’s less opportunity for him to be a prick. He leaves after lunch dies down, and I begin restocking and then do the prep work. I plan to get most of it done before Jed gets here, so I can spend more time with him.

I’m just about finished when I see Jed walk in. He’s wearing jeans that fit him just right, showing off his muscular legs, and although I can’t see it, I know it is showcasing his spectacularly firm backside. His bad-boy leather jacket still makes my mouth water and my body shiver.

Mmm, sexy.

He smiles huge when he sees me. “Hey there, sexy lady.”

I smile back just as huge. “Hey, you.”

When I walk over to him, I rise up on my tiptoes and press my lips to his. He wraps an arm around my waist, crushing me to him. He lets out a low growl and slips his tongue between my lips. I open my mouth willingly, eagerly, and I clutch his shoulders tightly. Heat blooms inside me and washes through my body, and I can feel myself getting wet despite where we are. I entwine my fingers in his dark hair, and I pull him closer to me, urging him to devour me like I love, before he breaks off suddenly. He leans his forehead against mine, his ragged breath fanning across my face.

He kisses the top of my head. “You’re going to be the death of me. I’m rock-hard just from a kiss, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

As tempting as it is to drag him out back, with my luck, someone would walk in. Or even better, Dr. Dickbag would come back early.

I sigh. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

He rubs himself against me, and it makes me bold.

I push up on my tiptoes and whisper in his ear, “You made me wet.”

When I pull back, he lets out a garbled groan and locks eyes with me.

I continue, “We can take care of it later when I’m off work though, okay?”

He groans again. “Mental images are not helping much. I feel like Will Ferrell in
Anchorman.
Don’t look at me. I have a situation right now I’m trying to walk off.”

“I love that movie!” I bust out laughing. “I love that we have the same taste in stupid funny movies.”

He leans down and kisses my nose. “Me, too. I’ve got to hit the head real quick. Hopefully, I can, er…calm down a bit, so I won’t be doing a handstand while I’m taking a piss.”

I laugh. “Thanks for the overshare. You have fun with that.”