Works of Ivan Turgenev (Illustrated) (408 page)

BELIAYEV
[sits down beside her and takes her hands].
Vera Alexandrovna, give me your hand. . . . Listen, there must not be misunderstandings between us. I love you as a sister; I love you because no one could help loving you. Forgive me if I ... I’ve never in my life been in such a position.... I can’t bear to wound you. ...
[She hides her face again.]
I’m not going to pretend with you, I know that you like me, that you’ve grown fond of me. . . . But think, what can come of it? I’m only twenty, I haven’t a farthing. Please don’t be angry with me. I really don’t know what to say.

VERA
[taking her hands from her face and looking at him].
And as though I expected anything, my God! But why so cruelly, so heartlessly. . . .
[She breaks off.]

BELIAYEV. Vera Alexandrovna, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

VERA. I’m not blaming you, Alexey Nikolaitch. How are you to blame? It’s all my fault. . . . And how I am punished! I don’t blame her either, I know she’s a kind - hearted woman but she couldn’t help herself. .. . She didn’t know what she was doing.

BELIAYEV
[in amazement].
Didn’t know what she was doing?

VERA
[turning to him].
Natalya Petrovna loves you, Beliayev.

BELIAYEV. What?

VERA. She’s in love with you.

BELIAYEV. What are you saying?

VERA. I know what I’m saying. To - day has made me years older. . . . I’m not a child now, believe me. She was actually jealous ... of me!
[With a bitter smile..]
What do you think of that?

BELIAYEV. But it’s impossible!

VERA. Impossible. . . . Then why has she suddenly taken it into her head to marry me to that gentleman, what’s his name, Bolshintsov? Why did she send the doctor to me, why did she try to persuade me to it herself? Oh! I know what I am saying! If you could have seen, Beliayev, how her whole face changed when I told her. . . . Oh! you can’t imagine how cunningly, how treacherously she trapped me into admitting it. Yes, she’s in love with you; it’s only too evident. . . .

BELIAYEV. Vera Alexandrovna, you’re mistaken, I assure you.

VERA. No, I’m not mistaken. I tell you I’m not mistaken. If she doesn’t love you, why has she tortured me like this? What have I done to her?
[Bitterly.]
Jealousy is an excuse for anything. But what’s the good of talking! And now why is she sending you away? She imagines that you . . . that we . . . Oh! she need not worry herself! You can stay!
[Hides her face in her hands.]

BELIAYEV. She hasn’t sent me away so far, Vera Alexandrovna. . . . As I’ve told you already, nothing is decided yet. . . .

VERA
[suddenly lifting her head and looking at him],
Really?

BELIAYEV. Yes ... but why do you look at me like that?

VERA
[as though to herself].
Ah! I see. . . . Yes, yes. . . . She is still hoping. . . .
[The door into the corridor is quickly opened and
NATALYA PETROVNA
appears in the doorway. She stops short on seeing
VERA
and
BELIAYEV.]

BELIAYEV. What did you say?

VERA. Yes, now it’s all clear to me.... She has thought better of it. She sees I’m no danger to her, and indeed what am I? A silly girl, while she! . . .

BELIAYEV. Vera Alexandrovna, how can you imagine.. .

VERA. But who knows? Perhaps she’s right . . . perhaps you love her. . . .

BELIAYEV. I?

VERA
[standing up].
Yes, you. Why are you blushing?

BELIAYEV. Me blushing? . . .

VERA. You like her, you may come to love her? . . . You don’t answer my question.

BELIAYEV. But, good Lord, what do you want me to say? Vera Alexandrovna, you’re so excited. . . . Do be calm for goodness sake. . . .

VERA
[turning away from him].
Oh! you treat me as a child. . . . You don’t deign to give me a serious answer. . . . You simply want to get rid of me. You try to comfort me!
[Turns to go out but but stops short at sight of
NATALYA PETROVNA.] Natalya Petrovna! . . . [BELIAYEV
looks round instantly.]

NATALYA PETROVNA
[taking a few steps forward].
Yes, I’m here.
[She speaks with some effort.]
I came for you, Verotchka.

VERA
[coldly and deliberately].
What made you come here? So you’ve been looking for me?

NATALYA PETROVNA. Yes, I’ve been looking for you. You’re indiscreet, Verotchka. . . . I’ve spoken of it more than once. . . . And you, Alexey Nikolaitch, you’ve forgotten your promise . . . you’ve deceived me.

VERA. Oh! stop that, Natalya Petrovna, leave off, do! [NATALYA PETROVNA
looks at her in amazement.]
Give up speaking to me as though I were a child. . . .
[Dropping her voice.]
From to - day I’m a woman. . . . I’m as much a woman as you are.

NATALYA PETROVNA
[embarrassed].
Vera. . . .

VERA
[almost in a whisper].
He hasn’t deceived you. . . . Our meeting here is not his doing. He doesn’t care for me, you know that, you’ve no need to be jealous.

NATALYA PETROVNA
[with rising amazement].
Vera!

VERA. It’s the truth ... don’t go on pretending. These pretences are no use now. ... I see through them now, I can assure you. To you I’m not the ward you are watching over
[Ironically]
like an elder sister....
[Moves closer to her]
I’m your rival.

NATALYA PETROVNA. Vera, you forget yourself. . . .

VERA. Perhaps . . . but who has driven me to it? I don’t understand what has given me courage to speak to you like this. . . . Perhaps it’s because I have nothing to hope for, because it has pleased you to trample upon me.. . . And you have succeeded . . . completely. But let me tell you, I don’t mean to be as underhand with you as you have been with me. . . . I’ll let you know I’ve told him everything.
[Indicating
BELIAYEV.]

NATALYA PETROVNA. What could you tell him?

VERA. What?
[With irony.’]
Why, everything I have noticed. You hoped to worm everything out of me without betraying yourself. You made a mistake, Natalya Petrovna, you overrated your self - control.

NATALYA PETROVNA. Vera, think what you’re saying...

VERA
[in a whisper and coming still closer to her].
Tell me that I’m wrong. . . . Tell me that you’re not in love with him. . . . He has told me that he doesn’t love me! [NATALYA PETROVNA,
overwhelmed with confusion, is silent.
VERA
remains for some time motionless, then suddenly presses her hand to her forehead.]
Natalya Petrovna . . . forgive me ... I ... don’t know . . . what’s come over me . . . forgive me, don’t be hard on me. . . .
[Bursts into tears and goes out rapidly by door into corridor. A silenced]

BELIAYEV
[going up to
NATALYA PETROVNA]. I can assure you, Natalya Petrovna. . . .

NATALYA PETROVNA
[looking fixedly at the floor, holds out her hand in his direction].
Stop, Alexey Nikolaitch. The truth is ... Vera is right. . . . It’s time I ... time I laid aside deceit. I have wronged her, and you -
 
- you have a right to despise me. [BELIAYEV
makes an involuntary gesture.]
I am degraded in my own eyes. The only way left me to regain your respect is openness, complete openness, whatever the consequences. Besides, I am seeing you for the last time, for the last time I am speaking with you. I love you.
[She does not look at him.]

BELIAYEV. You, Natalya Petrovna! . . .

NATALYA PETROVNA. Yes, yes, I love you. Vera was not deceived and has not deceived you. I have loved you from the very day you arrived here, but I only recognized it yesterday. I don’t mean to justify my conduct. It has been unworthy of me ... but anyway you can understand now, you can make allowance for me. Yes, I was jealous of Vera; yes, I was planning to marry her to Bolshintsov, so as to get her away from you and from myself; yes, I took advantage of my position, of my being older, to find out her secret and -
 
- of course I didn’t reckon on that -
 
- I betrayed myself. I love you, Beliayev; but let me say, it’s only pride that forces me to confess it... the farce I have been playing revolts me at last. You cannot stay here. . . . Indeed, after what I have just told you, you will no doubt feel very awkward in my company, and you will want to get away as quickly as possible. I am certain of that. It is that certainty has given me courage. I confess I shouldn’t like you to think badly of me. Now you know everything. . . . Perhaps I have spoilt things for you . . . perhaps, if all this had not happened, you might have cared for Verotchka. ... I have only one plea to urge, Alexey Nikolaitch. ... It has all been beyond my control.
[She pauses. She has said all this in a rather calm and measured voice, not looking at
BELIAYEV.
He is silent. She goes on with some agitation, still not looking at him.]
You don’t answer me? But I understand that. There’s nothing for you to say to me. The position of a man receiving a declaration of love when he feels no love is too painful. I thank you for your silence. Believe me, when I told you ... I love you, I was not pretending ... as before; I was not counting on anything; on the contrary, I wanted at last to throw off the mask, which I can assure you I’m not used to wearing. . . . And indeed, what’s the use of affectation and duplicity, when everything’s known; why pretend when there’s no one to deceive? Everything is over between us now. I will not keep you. You can go away without saying another word to me, without taking leave of me. I shall not think it discourteous, I shall be grateful to you. There are circumstances in which delicacy is out of place . . . worse than rudeness. It seems we were not destined to know each other better. Good - bye! Yes, we were not destined to know each other . . . but at least I hope that now you no longer look on me as an oppressor, a furtive and deceitful creature. ... Good - bye for ever. [BELIAYEV
in distress tries to say something, but cannot.]
You are not going?

BELIAYEV
[bows, is about to go, and after a struggle with himself turns back].
No, I can’t go. ... [NATALYA PETROVNA
for the first time looks at him]
I can’t go away like this! Natalya Petrovna, you said just now . . . you didn’t want me to carry away unpleasant memories of you, and I don’t want you to think of me as a man who . . . Oh dear! I don’t know how to say it. ... Natalya Petrovna, I’m sorry. ... I don’t know how to talk to women like you. . . . Up to now I’ve only known . . . quite ordinary women. You said that we were not destined to be friends, but, good God, how could an ordinary almost uneducated fellow like me ever dream of being anything to you? Think what you are and what I am! Think, could I dare to dream? . . . With your bringing up. ... But why talk of that. ... Just look at me ... this old coat and your sweet - scented clothes.... My God! Oh yes, I was afraid of you and I’m afraid of you still. ... I thought of you, without any exaggeration, as a being of higher order, and now . . . you, you tell me that you love me . . . you, Natalya Petrovna! Me! ... I feel my heart beating as it never has in my life; it’s not beating merely from amazement, it’s not that my vanity’s flattered. . . . No, indeed . . . vanity doesn’t come in now.... But I... I can’t go away like this, say what you like!

NATALYA PETROVNA
[after a pause, as though to herself].
What have I done?