Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (135 page)

When I first visited an acupuncturist, she told me that in Chinese medicine, emotions such as anger are viewed simply as
energy
. Many women have a problem with the direct expression of their anger and use it to manipulate others instead. But anger can be a powerful ally. When we feel angry, the anger is always related to something we need to acknowledge for ourselves. It is not necessarily about the situation or person that evoked it. It is always a sign that on some level we’re not meeting a personal need that we may have. That’s one of the reasons why anger is so often part of PMS.

All women must learn that no one can
make
us angry. Our anger is ours, and it is telling us something we need to know. Anger is energy—our personal jet fuel. It is telling us that something needs adjustment in our lives. It is telling us that there is something we want that we don’t yet know how to get, and it is dangerous only if we deny it and stuff it in our bodies or lash out at someone else with it. The next time you discover that you’re angry (which might manifest as feeling jittery, having shaking hands, or being irritable), go off by yourself. Move around. Breathe. Yell.

Try this: Arrange two chairs facing each other. Sit in one and imagine that the person with whom you are angry is sitting opposite you. Now tell the person everything you really want to say—no matter how loud, off-color, or nasty it is. Truly get your anger up and out. Get into it fully. And when you’re spent, love yourself for your courage. Then ask yourself, “What do I need?” Wait for an answer. If the anger arises again, repeat the exercise until the charge is dissipated.

Your anger at an other may well be justified. And it must be expressed safely. But if you hang on to it overly long, the one who will be hurt the most is you. At the end of the day, you have to decide whether you want to be justified or healthy and happy! Ask for what you need with kindness. When you get it, say, “Thank you.”

STEP FOUR: LEARN TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Learning to listen to and respect your body is a process that requires patience and compassion. The following list of suggestions can help you with that process:

Make note of those things in your life that are difficult, painful, joyful, and the like. As these things come up, notice your breathing, your heart rate, and your bodily sensations. What are they? Where are they?

Pay attention to what your body feels. Do certain parts of you feel numb? Tired? Do you feel like crying? Do parts of you feel like crying?

These feelings are your body’s wisdom. They are part of your inner guidance system.

Ask yourself what your self-image is. Through years of chronic dissatisfaction with their bodies and chronic dieting, many women develop an unrealistic image of themselves. Some feel much heavier than they actually are, a fact that was beautifully documented in the television reality show
How to Look Good Naked,
in which women, wearing nothing but bras and panties, were asked to look at a line of other women dressed the same way and choose the size that most closely matched their own. Invariably women overestimated their size, thinking they looked much bigger than they really were. On the other hand, women who are in touch with their inner guidance will often appear taller and more imposing physically than they are. The way you feel about yourself creates an electromagnetic field of energy around you that broadcasts these feelings to the world and attracts your reality to you. Choose your signal consciously.

Notice how you routinely talk to and about your body. What happens when you look in the mirror each morning? Do you criticize your face, your legs, your hair? Do you routinely apologize to others for how you look? Now write the following sentence down on a piece of paper and tape it to the mirror:
I accept myself unconditionally right now.
I’ve often written it on a prescription blank and handed it to my patient with the following instructions: “Say this sentence out loud to yourself in the mirror while gazing into your eyes. Do this twice per day for thirty days.” When you do this exercise, you will learn a great deal about the inner critics that live within you. Give them a name, such as Esmeralda or George, so that you won’t take them so personally next time they put you or your body down. (Remember— they are just old subconscious and incorrect programs that got downloaded earlier in life. You can change them.) When you don’t take their criticisms personally, you can tell them to be quiet. Or you can even choose to laugh at them. And guess what? They eventually lose their power over you and go away! And then you are free to proclaim each morning, “You are gorgeous, adorable, and sexy,” every time you look in the mirror.

Tune in to what your body needs on a daily basis. Are you hungry? Do you have to go to the bathroom? Are you tired? Do you routinely ignore your body?

Understand that your health is at risk if you are constantly undermining certain parts or functions of your body. Barbara Hoberman Levine, in her book
Your Body Believes Every Word
(WordsWork Press, 2000), tells the story of a friend who always developed rectal pain during her period. Levine asked her if she thought of her period as a “pain in the ass.” The woman gasped and admitted that that was exactly how she felt about it.

Identify the fears you hold about your body. For example, do you avoid touching your breasts because you are afraid of finding lumps? Instead, learn about breast anatomy and learn to touch your own with respect and love. You can transform and heal your entire relationship with them. The same goes for your genitals.

Notice whether there are parts of your body that you have dis owned. What are they? Do you consider parts of yourself “unacceptable”? A patient of mine had frequent abdominal pain until she was thirty-five. In her family, she had learned that it was completely unacceptable for a woman to pass gas, even though it was okay for her father and her brothers. Thus, instead of allowing routine intestinal gas to leave her body as necessary, she literally held on to it, with resulting abdominal pain. Once she realized that she had disowned an entire natural body function, she learned how to allow this function and became free of abdominal pain. Farts are funny. Little children know that. Even Shakespeare knew it. Accept them and learn to laugh and let go!

When you experience a bodily sensation such as back pain, “a gut reaction,” a headache, or abdominal pain, pay attention to it and see if you can pinpoint the emotional situation that may have triggered it. Niravi Payne teaches her clients a new vocabulary of symptom empowerment. For exam- ple, instead of “My stomach is hurting,” say, “What is it I’m having trouble stomaching?” Emotions such as anger, or any other emotion that you may consider unacceptable or that you may find difficult to experience directly, will often affect your body in stead. When a sensation arises in your body, stop what you are doing, lie down, breathe, and wait with your symptom, emotion, or feeling. You may be surprised at what other feelings or insights come up. John Sarno, M.D., a physical medicine and rehabilitation specialist at the Rusk Institute in New York, and author of
Mind Over Back
Pain
(Berkley Books, 1999) and
Healing Back Pain
(Warner Books, 1991), has a 75 to 85 percent success rate with treating back pain and other related conditions such as neck pain and fibromyalgia, all of which he refers to as TMS—tension myositis syndrome. He notes that the personalities of those who tend to get this syndrome are characterized by being highly conscientious, responsible, and perfectionistic. (This is not the same as the type A personality, which is associated with hostility.) He teaches his patients how to make the pain go away by making the link between their emotions and their symptoms and by telling their brains that they’ve got the message—it’s okay for the pain to go. The results are often astonishing. I had a friend who limped into one of Dr. Sarno’s meetings with crippling sciatica, which she’d had for weeks. She walked out pain free.