Without (7 page)

Throwing the last shovel of dirt over Ponytail, I stood over
the graves, admiring my work. Killing them was easy. Killing was becoming easy.
I felt invincible.

“Now that’s what I call thinnin’ the heard,” said Earl,
sitting on a log behind me. “I wish you could’ve seen yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the Angel of Death was sheddin’ tears of pride for
you, son,” said Earl, chuckling. “You was just walking around, cool as a
cucumber, exterminating them boys like they was cockroaches. Man, that was
somethin’ to behold.”

“You’re a religious man. Are you okay with what I did?”

“They was gonna take that baby,” said Earl, lowering his
head, losing his laugh. “I could see into their black hearts. They was gonna
use up them girls, kill ‘em, and then take that baby. Lord ain’t got no problem
with what you did, and neither do I. They burnin’ in hell right now where they
belong. No, sir, Lord ain’t got no problem with that.”

“I walked away, Earl,” I said. “Sam had to tell me to go back.
I looked at that little girl, standing over her dead father, and I walked away.
I was scared to death. Sam had to show me what happened to her. She showed me
what they –”

“Ain’t no need for you to explain nothin’ to me. I know what
she showed you, but Sam wasn’t there when you went back in that house. Your
strength. Your will. That was the hand of God takin’ hold of yours and makin’
things right.”

“Why would God let that happen in the first place? Why does He
need me to do his will? Those women are going to be living a lifetime of pain.
Why would He do that to them?”

“That’s a big question,” said Earl. “Bigger than I am. But I
can tell you this. God ain’t the only one out there. There’s a devil, too. God
has to let things play out to see what we gonna do about it. That’s how we get
judged. He’s crying for them girls, but he spared that baby. You gotta see both
sides, son. You can’t have one without the other.”

“So this is the way it’s going to be?” I asked. “I got
lucky, Earl. They were all busy when I walked up on them. The next time, maybe
I’m not so lucky. Maybe I’m busy when they walk up on me.

“I’ve killed twelve men in six days. I see their faces every
night in my dreams. I see
their
faces, not Sam’s. How many more do I
have to kill before He allows me to dream about her? How many more before I’ve
earned a little peace?”

“I don’t know,” said Earl. “I don’t know His plan for you.”

“That’s all you’ve got?”

“Hee, hee, yep. That’s all I got.”

“That’s pretty weak,” I said, looking at the mound. “What
about…”

Earl decided it was a good time to leave me.

Returning to the house, I heard voices coming from the
kitchen. When I came through the doorway, all the talking stopped. My heart
sank looking at the battered faces trying to push smiles through the cuts and
bruises.

“Oh, look at you,” said Hope, standing. “Let’s get you
cleaned up.”

Looking down at my shirt, I could see I was covered in blood.
I could only imagine what my face looked like; probably the same. I followed
her upstairs. She directed me to the bathroom while she entered a closet. The
tub once full of dying cowards was now filled with clean water. She entered the
bathroom with an armload of clothes.

“I heated it up as best I could,” said Hope. “Here are some
fresh clothes for after your bath.”

“Hope, you don’t have to do this.”

“Of course I do. You didn’t have to do what you did either.
Please, let me at least get you cleaned up.”

I obliged. Sam would be happy I was taking a bath two days
in a row.

Sinking into the warm water, I exhaled. I didn’t wait for
the wrinkles, washing quickly and putting on the clothes Hope laid out for me.
I knew they were Brian’s. I didn’t think he would mind.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed when I opened the
door. Hope stood with a wide smile. “They fit. I knew they would. The girls
have made you something to eat. They want you to know how thankful they are.”

As I followed her back to the kitchen, it hit me. Looking at
the girls frantically setting a table with the best they had, it hit me. They
were still terrified. Now they were terrified I was going to leave them.

“There’s plenty here, so eat until you pop,” said Katie,
pulling out a chair for me.

“So are you from here?” asked Mary Anne, putting a bowl of
soup in front of me. It clattered, spilling onto the plate from her trembling
hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“Mary Anne, you have to be more careful,” said Hope,
extending a cloth to wipe the spill. “We just got him cleaned up.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“She’s always been a bit clumsy,” said Hope, smiling. “She’s
always tripping or dropping something. It keeps things entertaining around
here.”

“Daddy always says that –”

“Mary Anne,” interrupted Hope, cocking her head, staring at
her.

“What would you like to drink?” asked Mary Anne, getting the
hint, changing the subject. “We have water, tea, and juice.”

“Or something stronger if you like,” said Hope. “There’s
plenty of that, too.”

“Water is fine, thank you.”

It was surreal. A few hours earlier, they were being
brutalized, tortured, and raped by three men they didn’t know. Now, they doted
on another. With fresh cuts still oozing blood, they were trying so hard to be
normal; to be accommodating. I imagine they were told by their mother to do
whatever it took to keep me there, keeping them safe. Whatever pain they were
going through had to wait.

I had to leave. I had to leave now.

Without saying a word I left the kitchen to gather my
things. I heard more talking and then I heard a chair slide. Hope came into the
living room where I was strapping on my pack.

“I know you must have somewhere you need to go,” said Hope,
pleading with her eyes. “You must have a family waiting for you at home. But
you shouldn’t travel at night. It’s too dangerous. Please stay here and rest.
We’ll get you up early and send you on your way after a good breakfast. You
shouldn’t travel on an empty stomach.”

“I do have somewhere to go, Hope. I’m already very late.
Thank you for dinner and the clothes, but I have to go now.”

Hope dropped her head. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t
protect my girls. Please, for one night, let them sleep knowing nobody is going
to hurt them. Please.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Walking down the front stairs, crossing the lawn toward the
oak tree, I heard footsteps running up behind me.
Just keep walking.

“You can’t leave us!” said Katie. “What if they come back?”

“They’re dead,” I said, keeping up my pace. “They won’t be
coming back.”

“Not them,” said Katie. “I’m not stupid. I mean others.
There’s more like them out there. How are we going to stop them?”

“Katie!” screamed Hope, standing on the porch. “Get back in
here this instant. Let him go!”

“Coward,” whispered Katie, turning and running back to the
house.

It stopped me in my tracks, but only for a moment. I didn’t
owe them anything. I risked my life to save theirs. It wasn’t my problem if
they couldn’t see that. They were alive because of me.

Fuck you, Katie
.
You have no idea what I’ve been
through.

The anger lasted for two miles. I wasn’t even sure I was on
the right road. I stopped at an intersection to get my bearings. Looking at
where the sun was setting, I knew I was going in the right direction. I turned
and started walking the wrong way. I imagine my anger was standing there at the
crossroads, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. I had no idea.

Looking across the field lit by a full moon, I saw a large
tractor perched on top of a hill. It had an enclosed cabin that would protect
me against the elements if Mother Nature decided to throw a fit. The image of
baseball sized hail denting my skull while I slept was still too powerful to
ignore. Besides, I had thrown away my tent. It was as good a place as any to
settle for the night.

Impressed by the amount of room in the cabin, I climbed
inside and removed my pack. The driver’s seat was huge and built for comfort during
a long day of work behind the wheel. I swiveled it to the side, which allowed
me to stretch my legs away from the pedals. Pulling the lever, I reclined the
seat.

Oh, yes. This is going to work well.

“Isn’t this cozy,” said Sam.

“It is,” I replied.

“I’m sorry I had to show you those things,” said Sam. “I
didn’t know what else to do. I thought you were going to leave them.”

“It was my fault, baby,” I said. “I made you do it, and I’m
so sorry. I
was
going to leave them. You did the right thing. You never
have to apologize to me. Never.”

“I know you can’t save them all,” said Sam, climbing up on
the seat with me. “I have to learn that. I just couldn’t learn it today. That
little girl; the things that they were going to do to her.”

“Earl told me,” I said. “And by the way, nice work ganging
up on me. Now I’ve got both of you in my ear. I don’t have a chance, do I,
princess?”

“He really is a good man,” said Sam, laughing. “He can help
you with things I can’t. He likes you a lot, too. He enjoys the conversations
with you.”

“He was a good choice,” I said. “I enjoy his company as
well. He’s a bit on the religious side, but he tells me things in a way that make
sense. I think those kind of talks are going to be harder to find as the days
pass. Yeah, he was a good choice.”

“That makes me happy,” said Sam, reaching around my neck,
squeezing me tight.

After a moment of bliss she relaxed her grip around me,
turning to look out the window of the cabin. “Do you think more are coming?”

“I know more are coming,” I said.

“Tonight?”

“I hope not.”

“Look at me,” said Sam, taking my face in her hands. “You
are the best man I know. I’m so proud of you. You didn’t need me or Earl for
this one. I love you.”

“I’ll never get tired of hearing that,” I said.

“Okay, sir. You need to get back to work. If you need me, I
won’t be far.”

“Sounds good, angel.”

She crawled out of my lap, leaving me in the still cabin.
The silence was broken by the sound of distant thunder. A green hue on the
horizon showed a light storm was approaching. It looked as if it was going to
be a big one. Behind the thick glass of the tractor, I felt safe.

Reaching down by my side, I pulled up the Remington. By the
light of a small candle, I adjusted the scope to compensate for the distance.
When it was zeroed in, I blew out the candle, raising the powerful rifle to my
shoulder.

I started at the oak tree, scanning the yard from side to
side. From my vantage point above the house, I could cover three sides, and
part of the backyard. If more cowards showed up to hurt Hope and the girls,
they’d get a hot surprise in the back of their heads as soon as they stepped on
the lawn.

My theory about the light storms being more intense over the
city was wrong. I was still awake as the sunrise revealed several shattered
windows along the front of the house. Seeing movement inside let me know they
didn’t get much sleep either, if any.

Jumping down from the tractor, I stretched, sliding the pack
over my shoulders. I took my time walking down the hill. I wanted to have my
thoughts together before I spoke with Hope. She needed to know that I’d be
staying for only one day. After knocking on the door I moved to the side and
yelled through the broken window. I wanted everyone to know I wasn’t one of
them
.

Hope opened the door, put her hand up to her mouth and
started crying.

“If you’ll allow me, there are some things I can do to make
your home more secure,” I said. “There are also some things I can show you
that’ll help you protect your girls if more of them come.”

“I’d like that very much,” said Hope. “Thank you.”

“Hope, do you understand that I have to leave? I have to
leave tomorrow morning. I can’t stay here.”

“I understand.”

Walking inside, I saw Katie sitting at the table. She looked
at me without expression, returning to her book. “I’m sorry I walked away from
you last night. Believe it or not, I’m just as scared as you are. Sometimes I
make…bad decisions.”

“Why did you come back?” asked Katie, staring down at the
pages.

“I want to make your home safer,” I said. “Will you help me
with that?”

“Will you stay?”

“Katie, look at me.”

She raised her head, tears welling.

“Just like you, I want to go home,” I said. “But my home is
far away from here. When I finish helping you make this house safe, I need to
go and do the same with mine.”

“Will you teach me how to shoot a gun?” asked Katie. “I’ll
feel better when you leave, knowing how.”

“Yes, I will.”

“Okay, what do you need me to do?”

I told Katie and Mary Anne to gather all the lumber they
could find on the property. I dismantled part of the guest house, removing
sheets of plywood to cover the broken windows on the main house. On the other
windows I created slats that could be removed but also quickly replaced if
Mother Nature – or more cowards – decided to pay them another visit.

Installing more slats on the doors, it would take a very
strong man several attempts before breaking through. I knew it was impossible
to keep someone out who was desperate to get in, but it would buy the family enough
time to ready their weapons, concentrate their firepower, and give whoever
broke through one hell of a fight.

Gathering all the guns left behind by the dead, the girls
had three pistols and two shotguns. Ponytail’s bolt action rifle was too heavy
and complicated for teenage girls to operate with confidence. Shotguns were a
better choice.

I spent a few hours showing them how to use, clean, and
maintain the weapons. We went through drills on what to do if someone was
coming after them. We set up several fallback locations in the house, creating
blinds that utilized cross firing positions. (I felt odd teaching a
six-year-old how to use a gun, but in this new world it made perfect sense.)

Covering the pool to slow down the sun’s effect for growing
algae and bacteria, the family had easy access to 30,000 gallons of water. The
pool service that had kept it clean and properly chlorinated was gone, so I
showed them how to add the right mixture of chemicals to keep the water safe.
They had enough supplies in a test kit to check the levels for two months.
After that, they’d need to boil anything they planned on drinking.

They had food to sustain all of them for a week. After that,
if help – or the power – didn’t come, they were on their own. Hope had a small
garden in the backyard. I told her to turn it into a bigger one as soon as
possible. I pulled her to the side and talked with her about scavenging and
looting. She didn’t have a problem with either.

After no sleep the night before and a long day securing the
house, we were all exhausted. As the sun was lowering, I had one more job to
do. I placed several signs in the front yard near the road. Anyone passing
would have no doubt it was a house they didn’t want to mess with. The signs let
them know they were being watched. One step into the kill zone, and they
promised no part of them would be wasted.

Hammering in the last stake, I sat in the swing under the
oak tree. The sky wasn’t acknowledging a sailor’s delight, but I felt better
about the family’s ability to weather the storms. Sam gave me a push.

“Long day, huh, Cowboy?”

“But a good one,” I said. “They’re better prepared now. I
don’t think any of them will hesitate to shoot the next asshole that shows up.”

“Nice touch with the signs,” said Sam. “A little gruesome,
but effective.”

“I thought about digging up their bodies and putting their
heads on poles,” I said. “But that would probably freak out the girls.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Sam. “You can’t get more
barbaric than what was done to them.”

“They seem to be holding up well,” I said. “Maybe keeping
them busy helped.”

“Trust me, they’re not holding up well at all. They’re
trying their best not to make you leave again. They feel safer with you here,
and I don’t blame them. The man of the house couldn’t protect them. You did.
You are.”

“I are what?”

“You sound like a pirate.”

“Seriously, Sam. Are you saying I’m now the man of the
house?”

“No, I was actually saying that you’re protecting them now.
Why, do you want to be the man of the house?”

“That’s not funny.”

“I wasn’t joking.”

Dragging my feet, I stopped swinging. Sam walked around in
front of me. “I wasn’t joking.”

“You want me to stay with them?”

“Why not?”

“What do you mean, why not? We have a plan, remember?”

“You have a plan,” said Sam. “Not we. I’m dead, remember?”

“Sam.”

“Your plan is to get to your parents’ house where you can
either wait this thing out or start your new life as a mountain man. You want
to grow a four-foot beard, wear animal skins, and live off the land. That
sounds incredibly lonely, sweetheart.”

“I have you.”

“No, baby. You have a memory of me.”

“Why are you doing this? You’re what keeps me going. You’re
what makes me want to survive.”

“I can’t keep you warm,” said Sam, touching my face. “I
can’t brush the hair out of your eyes. I can’t make you a sandwich. I can’t
write you a sweet note and leave it on the counter under your coffee cup. I
can’t love you back.”

“Stop it, Sam.”

“They need you. They know you’ll do whatever it takes to
protect them from the evil that’s out there; the evil that’s going to come
back. They know you’re strong and brave. They know you have a good heart.
They’ll love you back if you stay with them.”

“I don’t love them. I love you.”

“You love a memory.”

“Christ, Sam. Loving your memory is enough. If that’s all I
have for the rest of my life, that’s enough.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is,” I said, raising my voice. “This is crazy. I’m
not staying. I’m not letting you go.”

“You don’t have to give me up,” said Sam. “I’m always going
to be with you. I’m just saying if you have any thoughts of staying here, even
if it’s for a little while, it’s okay. Your parents’ house isn’t your home.
This place can be a home if you let it.”

“You’re my home, Sam. I don’t need anything else. I’m sorry
this happened to them, but I don’t want them. I don’t want this to be my home.
I don’t care about them.”

“Tell
her
that.”

“Who are you talking to?” asked Tyler, sneaking up on me.
“Are you sad?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“You’re crying.”

“No, I’m not. I just got dirt in my eye, kid. I’m not
crying. You shouldn’t be out here.”

“Whatever. Push me.” said Tyler, grabbing my hand, pulling
me out of the swing, taking over the seat.

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.

“My daddy can’t push me anymore,” said Tyler, looking at the
mound. “Mommy told me he couldn’t ‘cause he’s under there. He’s resting in
peace, she said. Was that who you were talking to? My daddy?”

“No, baby girl,” I said. “But sometimes I do talk to my dad.
He died ten years ago. He’s resting in the ground just like yours. They can’t
do stuff with us anymore, but we can still see and talk to them whenever we
want.”

“How?”

“Well, you can come out here and swing beside him,” I said.
“I mean, after you ask your sister or mom to bring you.”

“But if he’s under there, how do I see him?”

“Simple,” I said. “You just close your eyes.”

“Um, you can’t see anything with your eyes closed, silly.
You’re weird.”

“You’re sassy.”

“Hey, that’s what my daddy called me.”

“Sassy?”

“Miss Sassy.”

“Well, Miss Sassy, just try it, okay?”

“Okay,” said Tyler, sighing. “My eyes are closed.”

“Good. Tell me what your dad looks like.”

“He’s big and strong and has a mustache.”

“Does it tickle your face when he kisses you?”

“Yes. All the time.”

“What color is his hair?”

“Brown.”

“Good, Miss Sassy. Do you remember the color of his eyes?”

“Blue, like mine.”

“Perfect. Can you see him now? With your eyes closed, can
you see his face?”

“Yes.”

“Now, ask him if you can go play in the street.”

“What?” asked Tyler, turning around with a wrinkled nose. “I
can’t play in the street. I’ll get in trouble.”

“Close your eyes and ask him, okay? But don’t ask him out
loud. Look into his face and ask him in your head. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

Tyler turned around and I gave her a push. She kicked out
her legs, swinging on her own. I stepped to the side, watching her smile as she
went by, kicking harder. Then with her eyes still closed, she giggled.

I couldn’t help but join her in the smile. Standing silent
under the oak, I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation. With long, brown,
curly hair trailing laughter, I watched Tyler swing with her father. I could
see him standing behind her, trying so hard to push her far from anything that
would take away that smile.

My thoughts drifted to the four bodies buried in her
backyard. They took away all her smiles when they walked through the front
door. How was it possible a heart could be so black that it wanted to hurt that
child? How was it possible I could think about leaving her behind to face more
of them alone?

I didn’t notice that Tyler had stopped swinging. “My daddy
and your daddy said it was okay if you stayed with us. They said Sam could
stay, too.”