Without (19 page)

I stood in a corner and watched them prepare the room for my
surgery. (They put small tarps of plastic over a chair and the bed.) I was
looking forward to getting rid of the pain in my arm and face. All of the
gunshot wounds were infected, but the only one shooting lightning bolts was the
lead in my cheek. I was ready to get that thing out of me.

When Uncle Perry left the room after talking to Doc, he came
back a minute later with a bottle of whiskey. Without saying a word he
unscrewed the cap, handing it to me. I wasn’t naïve. This was gonna hurt.

“Come sit down over here and start hittin’ that bottle,”
said Doc.

I complied as he began his assessment. Kelly was leaning
over his shoulder as he prioritized my injuries. She then opened both the large
bags, taking out the supplies they’d need for each procedure, laying them out
on the bed. It was a lot of stuff.

“I’m going to give you a local anesthetic for the bullet in
your face,” said Doc. “We’re going to start there. It’ll probably feel better
once I lance it, but then it’s going to get painful when I have to dig it out.
There’s quite a bit of swollen tissue and infection around it. Once I get it
out, that’s going to be it for the anesthetic. I’m sorry about that, but we’re
running mighty low on that stuff. So drink up, son. That’s how the cowboys did
it.”

“I appreciate you giving it to me straight, Doc,” I said,
taking a long pull off the bottle.

“After your face, I’m going to reduce that arm. That means I
gotta yank on it to realign the bones. We’re going to have to secure it to the
arm of the chair. Then your uncle and Kelly are going to sit on you so you
don’t come out of it. That’s probably going to be the worst of it. I can feel
the rest of the birdshot pellets just under your skin in the other wounds.
It’ll burn a bit pulling them out, but not as bad as that arm. The last thing
will be stitching up that gash under your right eye. You getting all this?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Let’s get started.”

Doc drew a syringe to numb my face. The needle prick wasn’t
bad until he started rolling it around, spreading the anesthetic. After a few
seconds I couldn’t feel a thing but the pressure of the swelling.

Kelly handed him a scalpel and he lanced the wound. It was
fantastic. The pressure instantly disappeared. The euphoria disappeared just as
fast when I caught a whiff of the infected material that was running down my
neck. I was only a few hours away from gangrene. There’s no doubt in my mind it
would’ve killed me.

A minute later I heard the lead pellet hit the stainless
steel pan. I exhaled. The damn thing was out of me.

“I’m going to leave this open until I finish the other
procedures,” said Doc. “I bet that felt good, huh?”

“Very,” I replied. “Thanks, Doc.”

“Don’t thank me yet. You’re going to hate my guts in a few
minutes. Take another couple slugs of that anesthesia. I’ll be right back.”

Doc walked out of the room with Perry behind him. Kelly was
hovering over my face with gauze, sopping up the mess that was coming out of
me. It was a helluva first date.

“Looks like I’m going to win,” I said, starting to feel the
effects of the booze.

“Win what?” asked Kelly, cocking her head.

“The scar race,” I said. “I’m going to have a matching set
on my face.”

There were many moments in my life when I knew I had just
screwed up by saying something stupid. I was now having one of those moments.
All I could do was smile like an idiot.

“He’s very good,” replied Kelly. “Your scarring will be
minimal. This lovely thing on my face I had to do myself.”

Just shut up, moron. Don’t say another word.

“
I think you did a great job,” I said, ignoring
myself. “You’re gorgeous.”

Shut the fuck up!

“You’re drunk,” said Kelly. “A few more sips of that and
you’ll be hitting on Doc. You should stop talking now. You’re going to need
your strength.”

With perfect timing, Doc and Perry entered the room. They
wasted no time securing my arm to the chair. Before I could say anything else
stupid, he grabbed my wrist and yanked. I bit through my lip. The pain was more
intense than when I broke it.

Perry was sitting on my legs with his hands pressed into my
shoulders. Kelly was leaning across my other arm, preventing me from punching
anyone within range. Feeling the room start to spin, I threw up on Perry. I
threw up all over Perry.

I did my best not to puke in his face, but there was little
I could do with him pinning me down. He had an unusual frown and was staring at
me with twitching eyes. I thought he was going to choke the life out of me.
Yep, this was one helluva first date.

“I’m so sorry, Uncle,” I said, exhaling. The sharp pain of
the reduction was replaced with more manageable throbbing. “I couldn’t stop
it.”

“We’ll talk about this later,” replied Perry. “Doc, are you
gonna be needing me for anything else?”

“Nope,” said Doc. “I think you’ve done your part here. I
appreciate your help. This arm is going to set just fine.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” said Perry, dismounting, pulling
his shirt away from his chest.

“Uncle, I –”

“You should stop talking now,” said Perry, cutting me off.

“I told you,” said Kelly, grinning.

“The worst is over, son,” said Doc. “That
was
his
best whiskey, though.”

I took everyone’s advice and I stopped talking. For the next
thirty minutes, Doc proceeded to pull the rest of the lead out of me. With
every ping in the steel pan, I knew I was getting closer to recovery and
further away from death. Two hours later he sewed the last stitch under my
right eye.

“All right,” said Doc, standing to stretch. “That’s it. I’m
going to leave you a round of antibiotics to kill that infection. Even if you
feel better, keep taking them until they’re gone. I wish I could leave you
something for the pain, but we’re running low on that as well. I suggest you
drink your uncle’s cheap stuff.”

“I have antibiotics and pain pills, Doc,” I said, being
helped into the bed. “I don’t want to take from your supply.”

“That’s okay,” replied Doc. “Take what you have for the
pain, but you keep those antibiotics. We have plenty of that. Try to get some
rest. I’ll come by later tonight to check up on you.”

“I don’t hate you,” I said. “Thank you for everything. I owe
you my life.”

“Glad I could help, son. Now get some rest.”

I took two pain pills, hoping they would knock me out. It
worked. When I awoke it was dark in my room. When I stirred, an oil lamp was
lit. As the warm light filled the room, I was happy to see the face sitting
next to my bed. Then I remembered.

“I have a lot of people to apologize to, don’t I?”

“Really, just your uncle,” said Kelly. “He got the worst of
it.”

“Did I get you, too?” I asked, horrified.

“You pretty much sprayed everything in the room.”

“Kelly, I’m sorry. I can’t remember the last time I drank
that much whiskey in one sitting.”

“No need to apologize to me,” said Kelly, starting a wide
smile. “The look on your uncle’s face after you…” She lowered her head,
laughing. “It was priceless. Oh, my God, that was funny.”

“Glad I could entertain you,” I said, joining in the laughter.
I think it had been a long time since either one of us has laughed that hard. I
didn’t care that it hurt.

“How are you feeling?” asked Kelly, recovering.

“Minus the hangover and the throbbing arm, I feel better.”

“I told you Doc was good.”

“I do have to apologize for what I said to you. Again, I
blame it on the booze.”

“So you don’t think I’m gorgeous?”

Wow. Was I really doing it again?

“No, that word is inadequate,” I said. “Kelly, you have one
of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen.”

“You’re a little more eloquent when you’re not drunk,” said
Kelly, leaning over me to check my dressings. “Thank you. That was sweet.”

“How long was I out?” I asked, trying to leave on a win.

“Twelve hours,” said Kelly, moving back to her chair. “Who’s
Sam?”

My heart dropped into my stomach.

“Why…why do you ask?” I said, fumbling.

“You called out to her a few times. Then you started talking
to her. You kept telling her you were sorry.”

I turned my eyes away from her, choosing the ceiling
instead. I wished that I were still drunk. I didn’t know what to say.

“And now I’m sorry for asking,” said Kelly. “I should go
now. You need to get some more rest. Your dressings look good.” She stood up from
the chair, reaching down for her bag.

“She’s someone very important to me,” I said, wanting her to
stay. “She was killed a few years ago. I left her to go get the car so we could
take a mugging victim to the hospital. When I came back forty-five minutes
later, I found her. There was nothing I could do. They murdered my Sam.”

Kelly lowered her head again, but this time we weren’t
laughing. That ship had sailed. This new world didn’t let anyone laugh for
long.

“I was walking home from the hospital when I was attacked,”
said Kelly, raising her head. “It was dark and I never saw their faces. There
were at least four of them waiting for me outside of my house. I live alone on
ten acres, so nobody heard me fighting them. When they finished one of them
pulled a knife and gave me this. It was right after I gouged his neck with my
fingernails.”

“I was ambushed a few days ago,” I said. “That’s where I got
most of this. I was able to fight them off, but one of the shooters was a young
girl. It was dark.”

“Did you –”

“Yes, but I didn’t know.”

“If you had known, would the outcome have been the same?”

“Funny you should ask,” I said. “I thought about that
afterwards. My answer was yes, the outcome would’ve been the same.”

“That’s an honest answer,” said Kelly. “It seems we’re both
wearing our scars on the inside and out.”

“Were they caught, the men that attacked you?”

“No,” said Kelly. “But I’m sure they’re from around here.
They knew me. I just wish I could’ve identified at least one of them, but they
were wearing camouflaged masks. You know, the kind hunters use.”

“Do you think they’re still around?”

“I do and so does Doc. Some of the locals decided to stay in
the mountains instead of coming down to Stevenson with the rest of us. After I
stitched my face I walked down, and I haven’t been home since. I’m sure there’s
nothing left of it. They come down every once in a while, causing trouble
trying to steal from us.”

“You’re able to keep them out?”

“When you have men protecting you like your uncle and
cousin, you tend not to worry about too many things. They’re quite a team.”

“No doubt in my mind,” I said. “My father, his brother, was
the same way. They’re good men with big hearts.”

“And I’m sure you’re no different.”

“Kelly, I got drunk and threw up on you an hour after we
met.”

“Every girl’s dream.”

I woke up to sunlight beaming through my window. A smile
crept over my face as I turned my head toward the chair. As if a cruel joke had
been played, my expectation of seeing the face of an angel was replaced with
the face of Uncle Perry. For a man in his mid-sixties, he looked good, but he
was no Kelly.

“Well, good morning, buttercup,” greeted Perry, grinning.
“Did you sleep well?”

“I did. Uncle Perry, I can’t tell you how sorry –”

“Oh, shut up,” replied Perry, standing. “Doc said to get you
on your feet as soon as possible. Well, it’s as soon as possible. Donna’s
cooked up the rest of that bacon for you, so let’s get moving. I figured that
would help motivate you out of bed.”

“Good call, Uncle.”

I flexed the fingers on my broken arm. It ached but felt
much better. The only sharp pain I experienced was when I sat up in bed,
feeling the effects of the pellet removal from my rib. Leaning down beside me,
Perry reached under my good arm to help me stand. Most of the pain in my ankle
was gone as well. As I passed the mirror in the bedroom, I chuckled. My face
looked like I went ten rounds with the world champ. I was looking forward to
the day that I’d recognize myself again.

It still took a while to get me cleaned up and down the
stairs, but as I looked around the beautiful home, I couldn’t remember the last
time I felt so good – so welcome. My survival philosophy of putting distance
between myself and others was wearing thin. Even though it damn near killed me,
making the decision to look for my uncle did more than just save my life. In
less than twenty-four hours, it made that life worth living.

I had slept through the usual breakfast time for the family,
finding only Donna sitting at the table. Greeting me with another warm smile,
she stood, offering me her chair as she made my plate. She was glowing.

Perry didn’t let me go until he was satisfied I was secure
in my seat. He turned away from me, walking up behind his wife, wrapping his
arms around her waist. Kissing her cheek, I could hear him whisper that he
loved her and her cooking. He then came back to me, stood behind me and put his
hands on my shoulders.

“It’s good to have you here, son,” said Perry, leaning down
to the side of my face. “You take it easy today. I’ve got some errands to run,
but I’ll be home early. Doc may come by in a bit to see how you’re doing. I
don’t want you lifting a finger. You just get yourself stronger, okay?”

“Can I ask you a question?” I said.

“Sure.”

“You told Joey you knew I’d make it,” I said. “How did you
know I was coming here? I mean, I haven’t talked to you guys in years. How did
you know?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we’re the only family you’ve got
left,” said Perry, squeezing my shoulders. “Where else would you go?”

It was that simple for him. It wasn’t for me, but I was
learning.

“I told him you were probably married with a family of your
own,” said Donna, setting down the plate in front of me. “A sweet, good looking
man like you doesn’t stay single for long in the big city. Well, good looking once
the swelling goes down.”

“Thank you,” I said, laughing. “I’m still having problems
with mirrors.”

“Oh, you’ll get that pretty face back in no time,” said
Perry, patting the top of my head. “You’ll need it going after her.”

I almost choked on my bacon.

“Who?” said Donna, squealing. “Kelly? It has to be her,
right?”

“Honey, you should’ve seen his face light up when she walked
into the room,” said Perry. “Even through all that mess, I could see it in his
swollen, black eyes.”

“Oh, I love that girl,” said Donna. “Terrible what those
animals did to her, but you know what? She never let it slow her down. That’s
one very strong woman.”

“And she’s sweet on him, too,” said Perry. “She stayed in
that chair all night, right beside his bed. She tried to play it off and say
that Doc told her to stay, but he didn’t. I know ‘cause I asked.”

“Do you two need me here for this?” I said. “Look at me. Not
to mention I threw up on her.”

“You threw up on everybody,” said Perry.

“I told you I was –”

“Come on now, boy. Are you sitting there trying to tell me
you don’t have a thing for her? But I have to tell you, it ain’t going to be
easy. Boys have been chasing that girl since her family moved back here when
she was thirteen. Hell, even Joey had a crush on her in high school.”

“I think they’d be perfect for each other,” said Donna.

“I feel like I’m in high school,” I said.

“Just don’t push,” said Perry. “The ladies don’t like it
when you push. I know that, too. Donna damn near gave me my walking papers when
I did.”

“You were a bit overwhelming in your courting, dear,” said
Donna.

“Is this really happening?” I said, lowering my head.

“Eat your bacon, Romeo,” said Perry. “I’ve gotta run. If I
see Kelly, I’ll tell her you were asking about her.”

He laughed at himself down the hall and out the front door.

“He’s just teasing you,” said Donna. “He won’t say
anything.”

“Why do I have the feeling you’re not telling me the truth?”

“Because I’m not.”

I spent the rest of the morning with Donna at the kitchen
table. We had coffee and talked about everything under the sun. There were a few
points during our conversation when she wasn’t smiling or laughing. Like I
said, this new world doesn’t let anyone laugh for long.

“He moved to Buffalo about ten years ago,” said Donna,
speaking of her other son, Conrad.

“Found the girl and job of his dreams, had two beautiful
baby girls, and then didn’t have much time for dear old mom and dad. They’d
visit us every other Christmas, but mostly Perry and I would head up there to
visit
my
baby. I think about them every day.”

“I’m sorry, Donna,” I said. “I can’t imagine how hard that
must be for you and Perry. Not knowing.”

“It is,” said Donna. “It’s harder on Perry, though. He’s
very close to his boys. We talk about Conrad every night before we fall asleep.
He tries to dream up ways to get to them and bring them home, but I have to
remind him that this isn’t their home anymore, you know. I’m sure Conrad’s
fine, doing the same things up there as we’re doing down here. I know it’s why
Perry is so happy you made it.”

“Really? Why’s that?”

“Now, don’t take this the wrong way,” said Donna, reaching
over the table for my hand. “Nobody could ever replace our boy, but having you
here means the world to him. He was telling me last night that he was so proud
of you for going through everything you did to come here and be with us.”

“Donna, don’t take this wrong, but coming here wasn’t part
of my plan,” I said, not wanting to lie to her. “It wasn’t part of my plan
until a few days ago.”

“It doesn’t matter when you decided, it matters that you
did. Even if you don’t know why, he does. We all do. Let me tell you something.
You coming through that front door felt like our son coming home. You never
have to thank us for anything. The look on Perry’s face and hearing him laugh
and cut up again, I need to be thanking you.”

“You may be the sweetest woman on the planet,” I said. “But
I won’t be able to stop thanking you for everything you’re doing.”

As the morning pressed into afternoon, I found myself
growing tired. Donna helped me back up the stairs to my room. Tucking me in
like a child, she kissed my forehead, telling me she’d wake me for dinner. She
told me that the family did their best to sit down for at least one meal a day.
And Perry was planning something special for me.

Settling in, staring at the ceiling, I wondered if my family
would be as welcoming if they knew everything I had done to get there. I had
left a trail of bodies from my front door to theirs. (Not to mention I blew up
his brother’s fine home.) Even with the thoughts of the throats I had cut and
the young girl I sent to the grave, I had a feeling they’d understand, or at
least try. If I wanted to stay – and I did – I’d have to tell Uncle Perry
everything. I decided that my new life was going to start with a clean slate.

When Donna woke me for dinner, I walked down the stairs and
into a Norman Rockwell painting. The sun was setting, but light and laughter were
everywhere. River was sitting on the counter, talking to her mother while she
stirred a pot on the stove. Joey was holding the hand of a pretty woman as they
sat at the kitchen table.

I looked past them out onto the deck where Perry was
flipping steaks on the grill as Doc hovered over him, inhaling the aroma of the
thick cuts. Torches on each corner were dancing against a dark blue sky as
Kelly walked up the steps carrying an armful of wood for the fire. A man I
didn’t recognize walked up behind her with another stack.

Shit
.

“Oh, my God, you look awful,” said River, jumping down off
the counter to get a closer look. “How long is it going to stay like that?”

“You look good, too,” I said.

She reached up to touch my face. “Does it hurt as bad as it
looks?”

“Only when you stare at it.”

“River, cut it out,” said Donna, turning around. “I think
some of the swelling has gone down, sweetie. It’s already looking better.”

“It makes you look tough,” said Joey.

“Thank you,” I said, nodding to him.

“This is Courtney,” said Joey, introducing his girl.

“Pleased to meet you,” I said, extending my good hand.

“It really isn’t that bad,” said Courtney, trying to hold
back a smile.

“Yes, it is,” I said. “But thank you for lying. You’re very
sweet.”

“How’s my patient doing?” asked Doc, coming inside, carrying
a magical stack of meat.

“Much better,” I said, taking a seat. “You do good work,
Doc.”

“I must,” replied Doc. “Apparently, this is your uncle’s
payment for my services. If I’d had known this before the power went out, I’d
have made everyone pay with a home cooked meal.”

“You earned it, Doc” said Perry, carrying more steaks and
then turning towards me. “But this is our payment and a celebration for our
family. You went through a lot to get here. The least we can do is feed you
well while you recover.”

I smiled while they spoke, but I was focused on the window,
watching the conversation taking place on the deck. Kelly looked smitten as the
stranger moved in to whisper something in her ear. She pulled back, laughing,
slapping him on the arm.

Shit. Shit
.

My stomach turned, like a jealous schoolboy watching his
girl flirt with the captain of the football team. It didn’t help that he was
young, lean, and all the skin on his face was the same color with no stiches.
It took a fair amount of restraint for me not to walk out there and beat him
bloody with my cast.

When I got over the urge to kick his ass for no reason, I
focused on the gathering around the table. More and more food was taking up
every open space. I didn’t know how often a meal like this was put together,
but judging by the excited stares, it probably didn’t happen every day.

Perry took me by the arm as he pulled out a chair. Once
again he was making sure I was taken care of before anyone else. But as I was
about to sit, Kelly and the asshole came through the door. I stopped my descent,
wincing through the jarring pain of the abrupt change of direction. I wanted
him to know that I was taller.

“Hey, handsome.”

Funny girl.

“How are you feeling?” asked Kelly, holding on to asshole’s
arm.

“Better than I look,” I said, forcing a smile.

“This is Pastor Jenkins. He wanted to welcome you in
person.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” said Pastor Jenkins, aware enough
to extend his left hand. “My wife wanted to be here as well, but she’s tending
to her pregnant sister.”

Yep, I’m going straight to hell.