Without (8 page)

I had to force myself to take a breath. I hadn’t heard
anyone else say Sam’s name in years. Just hearing her name was like a
resurrection. In an instant I was excited, terrified, and perplexed at the same
time. I looked around to see if she was near. I looked back at Tyler to see if
she could see her like I did. I knelt in front of her and took her tiny hands
in mine. My heart was racing, but I tried to stay calm.

“Did Sam talk to you?” I asked.

“No,” replied Tyler.

“Then how did you know?”

“Because that’s who you were talking to, silly. I heard you
say his name when I was standing beside you.”

It was like being slapped awake during the best dream of
your life. “Sam is a girl, Tyler. She’s in the ground resting like your daddy.”

“Oh, okay. Well, she can stay, too.”

“We need to go inside now,” I said. “It’s getting dark.”

Taking a few steps, I realized Tyler was still holding my
hand. She started skipping across the yard as we made our way back to the
house. Leaning against a pillar on the front porch, Hope was smiling from ear
to ear.

“All right, little lady,” said Hope, handing me a drink,
“time for you to get ready for bed. Mary Anne is waiting for you upstairs.
There’s a tubful of warm water and a bar of soap up there. I want you to use
it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Tyler. “Can I come say goodnight after my
bath?”

“Yes, you can.”

“Okay.”

She continued skipping into the house. Hope and I watched
her as she disappeared up the stairs. I turned to see her still smiling,
looking at me.

“Yesterday, I thought I’d never see her smile again,” said
Hope, sitting in a chair by a table. “Today, you have her smiling, holding your
hand, and skipping across the yard. Who are you?”

“I can’t take all the credit,” I said, sitting beside her.
“She made me smile first. That kid is about the cutest thing on the planet.”

“Oh, she really is,” said Hope, taking a sip, making a face.
“I’m sorry. I don’t drink this stuff often.”

“It’s okay,” I said, doing the same. “I think you’ve earned
it.”

“It was a long night.”

“Yes, it was.”

“Did you sleep in the woods?”

“Sort of,” I said, pointing to the tractor on top of the
hill. “It was actually quite comfortable.”

“You slept in a tractor?” said Hope, shaking her head. “I
can’t apologize enough for last night. I was –”

“Hope, please stop apologizing to me,” I said. “I should’ve
stayed.”

“It’s okay,” said Hope. “You’re staying inside tonight,
aren’t you?”

“I am,” I answered, smiling. “I’m really not a fan of
sleeping outside these days.”

“I’ll stop apologizing, but I won’t stop saying thank you.
My girls feel safer now because of what you did today. They feel like they’re
in control.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“You know, I can accept what happened to me,” said Hope. “I
just don’t know what to say to them. One second we’re laughing around the
table, and then the next, Brian was killed and they were…”

“Never accept what they did to you,” I said. “Use it. Keep
it locked up inside you and then unleash it on anyone else that tries to hurt
you or your girls. If the power doesn’t come back, more of them will.

“You can’t hesitate or you and your girls are dead. If
anyone passes those signs and comes into your yard, don’t hesitate to kill
them. Don’t wait, trying to figure out their intentions. I know, as a good
person, you’ll want to give people the benefit of the doubt. You can’t do that
anymore.”

“I won’t hesitate,” said Hope. “They took that out of me.”

“Good.”

We had been talking for a while when Tyler came down again.
She hugged us both with tight squeezes. With her little arms wrapped around my
neck, she kissed my cheek. As if that weren’t enough to drive the dagger into
my heart, she told me to sleep tight and not let the bed bugs bite. Then she
told me that she loved me.

I know that six-year-olds telling people goodnight will pass
out kisses and hugs like candy to anyone in the room. I’ve always believed that
those moments were nature’s way of helping a child earn protection and
adoration from any adult receiving their sweetness. It’s why we would give up
our lives to keep bad things from happening to them.

With Tyler, it was different. It was less about nature’s way
and more about sincerity. I could feel it in the strength of her squeeze, the
surrender of her kiss, and the power of her tiny voice in my ear. My response
to her was just as sincere.

“I love you, too, baby girl.”

“I’m going to tuck them in and then you and I get to eat our
dinner,” said Hope. “Does that sound good?”

“It does.”

Watching the girls go inside, I heard a creaking in the
rocking chair beside me.

“Stone cold killer,” said Earl, chuckling “Now you’re goin’
soft on me. You’s the definition of conflicted, ain’t ya?”

“I’m not going soft. I’d like to see you try to resist the
charms of little Miss Sassy.”

“I ain’t the one she’s lookin’ to keep around here. You
are.”

“She watched her dad get shot and her mom and sister being
raped,” I said, turning cold. “The least I can do is try and make things a
little better for them before I leave.”

“You mean
if
you leave.”

“I have a plan, buddy. I’m going to stick to it.”

“Now that’s funny, son. You’ve got a plan? Only one thing
out there has a plan, and it ain’t you.”

“God. You’re going to tell me God has the only plan,” I
said. “Well, He doesn’t feel it’s important to reveal it to me, so forgive me
if I don’t put any stock in His plan and stick with mine.”

“Well, then, forgive me if I tell you that your plan is
cruel.”

“What?”

“That’s right,” said Earl. “What you doin’ to this family is
cruel. If you didn’t plan on stayin’, then you shouldn’t have come back. Now
they think you gonna stay forever. They think you gonna take over for their
daddy. Ain’t that right?”

“Do you and Sam just sit around thinking up ways to screw
with my head?”

“Naw, she’s just got a big ol’ heart and wants to see you
happy. She wants to see everybody happy. Me, I’m a little different. I see
things for what they is, not what they gonna be. I see what’s happenin’
right
now
, not tomorrow or the next day. And what’s happenin’ right now is that
you are conflicted. Should I stay or should I go now? Ain’t that how the song
goes?”

“I never figured you for a Clash fan, Earl,” I said,
laughing.

“I don’t know who sang it,” said Earl, smiling. “Just seemed
fittin’ at the moment.”

“It is,” I said, conceding. “You’re right. I am conflicted.
I’m having a tough time thinking about walking away from Tyler. In a way, she’s
our only hope if things don’t change.”

“Bullshit.”

“Come again?”

“You got it backwards, son. She ain’t our only hope. Men and
women out there doin’ what you doin’ is our only hope. You’re out there making
things right. You’re out there gettin’ rid of the folks that would hurt that
child.”

“So is that God’s plan for me?”

“Maybe.”

“That answer doesn’t help.”

“Okay, then let me break it down for you,” said Earl,
seeming irritated. “If you gonna stay, then put everything else out your mind
and you stay. If you’re not sure, then you gotta go. Every hour you spend with
that little girl and her momma, it’s gonna make it worse. They don’t have a choice.
You the one that does.”

“Even if it means they’ll be raped and tortured again?” I
said. “Maybe even killed?”

“You don’t know that for sure,” said Earl. “You did a good
job sealing up this house and showing them how to survive. They got guns and a
plan now. Everything after is just them not wantin’ to be alone. Maybe even you
not wantin’ to be alone.

“That’s why Sam is tellin’ you it’s okay to stay with them.
She don’t wanna see you alone for the rest of your life. She wants you to have
somethin’ to live for besides a memory of her. Does that make sense?”

“None of this makes sense.”

“I know it’s hard trying to keep things straight in your
head,” said Earl. “I know it is. But they is just one family. There are millions
of families with little girls and boys lookin’ for some help.”

“I can’t save them all, Earl. Even you have to know that.”

“I do. But you can save more than one. I know that, too.
There’s somethin’ different about you and you know it. You is a warrior. The
way you change when you come across evil, you is a warrior. I seen it with my
own eyes.”

“Ah, you think
that’s
God’s plan for me, don’t you?”

“I suspect.”

“You’re a piece of work,” I said.

“Yep. All I know is, right now, this very second, there’s
evil rainin’ down all over the world. You got a gift, son. It’d be a shame to
hide from it.
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will
fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle
.”

“That’s not a Clash song, is it?” I said.

“Ain’t the Clash. That there is a quote by Mr. Edmund Burke.
He was an Irishman like you. I dig his books.”

“He’s one of my favorites. Like I said, Earl, you’re a piece
of work.”

“Do you want to eat out here or inside?” asked Hope, sending
Earl back to Sam.

“Inside,” I said. “The gnats are getting a little thick.”

Sitting at the table by candlelight, the house was calm and
quiet. I could see that Hope was still doing her best to suppress talking about
what had happened to them. It was almost as if it hadn’t. Seeing her winch in
pain, touching a large cut on her lip, I thought about how strong and brave she
was. She smiled, catching me staring.

“Nothing a little make-up can’t fix,” said Hope.

“You’re a beautiful woman,” I said, sensing her anxiety. “I
know you don’t think others can see that right now, but I can. I mean, really,
you have to get up close before you can tell.”

“That’s very sweet,” said Hope, touching her swollen cheek.
“Thank you for lying to me.”

“I wasn’t lying about the beautiful part,” I said, smiling.
“Maybe a little with the up close thing.”

“Do you want more bread?”

“No, I’m stuffed. It was delicious.”

“Join me for one more drink?”

“Perfect.”

Carrying our glasses of fire water, we returned to the front
porch. This time we sat beside each other on the glider. A cloudless night sky
emitted enough moonlight for us to see in the dark.

“Before all this happened, this was my dream home,” said
Hope. “We had a good life here.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” I said. “I’m sorry
they turned your dream into a nightmare.”

“You got here soon enough,” said Hope.

She turned away from me, but I could feel her holding back.
Her body was tensing, fighting off the urge to show me the pain.

“It’s okay, Hope. The girls are sleeping safe upstairs. They
won’t hear you. Stop fighting it. It’s okay.”

Turning back to me, she buried her face in my chest,
wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She stopped fighting it. I returned the
embrace, pulling her in closer as she cried. Looking across the front porch, I
saw Sam sitting on the steps.

She smiled, blowing me a kiss.

Hope fell asleep in my shoulder. I gently rocked the glider,
not wanting to disturb her. It had been two days since she had slept. I could
handle the tingling in my arms and legs when they fell asleep long before I
did. There was a hint of green in the night sky, but no thunder. Mother Nature
and I were finally on the same page. Just let her sleep in peace a little bit
longer.

In spite of the uncomfortable position, I managed a few
hours of rest as well. As the sun drew back the blanket of darkness, Hope
stirred. She looked up at me, blinking several times to clear her vision. Her
good morning smile was replaced by a look of horror. She wiped her cheek after
noticing the large spot of drool on my shirt. I looked down at it, laughing.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” said Hope, covering the spot with
her hand.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m just glad you got some sleep.”

“I had a dream about you,” said Hope, resuming her smile.

“Really?”

“I did,” said Hope. “I dreamt that you stayed another day
and helped me in the garden.”

“That’s weird,” I said.

“How so?”

“Because I planned on staying another day and helping you in
the garden.”

Her smile grew wider. “Do you mean that?”

“I do. Where I’m going can wait another day.”

“Well, then.  I need to make us some breakfast so can we can
get started. Any requests?”

“Whatever you make will be perfect,” I replied. “I’ll go
check on the girls. If they’re still asleep, I think we should let them stay
that way.”

“I agree.”

All three girls had huddled into one room. Tyler’s face was
the first I saw. Her long, curly hair was draped across the pillow as if she
were running in a dream. Mary Anne and Katie were on a mattress on the floor
next to Tyler’s bed. The guns beside each of them didn’t seem out of place. I
doubt they’d ever be far from one for the rest of their lives.

Drawing the blinds to let them sleep undisturbed by the
rising sun, I closed the door behind me as I left. I was hoping they’d sleep
the day away. Wherever they were in their dreams had to be a better place than
where they’d be when they woke. Washing up and brushing my teeth, I headed
downstairs to the kitchen. I was greeted by a warm smile and a plateful of
eggs.

“Will this do?”

“It will,” I said, sitting at the table. “How well do you
know your neighbors?”

“We’ve lived here for two years, and I’ve barely spoken to
either of them,” said Hope. “They’re both old couples that tend to stick to
themselves. Why?”

“I thought maybe we’d take a walk and get to know them,” I
said. “I’m sure they’re decent people, and maybe they’d check in on you and the
girls.”

She stopped cooking and looked down. “Let’s not talk about
you leaving right now. I just want to enjoy this day. I’ll go to them when I
need to, but I want to make it on our own first. You’ve given me the confidence
I need to do that.”

“Okay,” I said, sensing her anxiety. “So do you have seeds
for the garden?”

“Plenty,” said Hope. “I have everything we need.”

Planning our day, Hope made breakfast for the girls and set
it aside. Their water was provided by the county system, but their gas for
cooking was delivered and stored in a large propane tank. Used sparingly, they
had enough to last them for five months. Knowing they had secure shelter,
weapons, plenty of water, and fuel for cooking, I focused on food. Growing
their own would make them more self-sufficient.

After turning a large area of soil, we planted rows of
seeds. They had several barrels that could be used to collect rainwater for the
garden. Even though they had a full pool, I wanted to make sure they had
another source for irrigation. Attaching one end of a tarp to the fence,
securing the other on shorter poles, I created large funnels that would direct
rain into the barrels.

Taking a break, I stood on the back porch watching the
worker bees. As soon as the girls awoke, they eagerly joined us with our
projects. Each of the girls decided they wanted their own garden. There was
nothing but smiles and laughter as blisters were being formed on their small
hands. Hope saw me enjoying the show and with a smile joined me on the porch.

“They really are good girls,” said Hope, taking off her wide
brim hat. “I’m lucky to have them.”

“Where are Katie’s parents?”

“They’re in Atlanta where we used to live,” said Hope, taking
a somber tone. “Those girls have been best friends since they were four.
Katie’s father lives in Maryland now. They got a divorce two years ago. It was
hard on her, so I try to bring her up here as often as possible. Her mother
doesn’t even know what happened to her.”

As tears welled in her eyes, I put my arm around her and
pulled her in close. “It wasn’t your fault, Hope. There was nothing you could
do. There were four of them with guns. But they’re rotting in hell now and
Katie is laughing, playing in the dirt. You beat them.”

“You beat them,” said Hope, pulling away from me. “Brian
opened the door and let them walk right in. He didn’t know what to do. He just
stood there as one of them raised a gun and shot him in the chest. He didn’t
even try to fight them. He didn’t try to fight for us.”

“Come on, Hope,” I said. “The last thing he expected was
them. That’s how the cowards operate. They prey on good people who give them
the benefit of the doubt. Most people would’ve done the same thing, not knowing
what was coming. Most people hesitate.”

“You didn’t.”

“I’m not most people.”

“No, you’re not. Not even close.”

“I had to learn the hard way. Someone I cared about was
killed during the first blackout in Atlanta. She’s the reason why I don’t give
anyone the benefit of the doubt. She’s the reason why I don’t hesitate. At one
time I didn’t know what to do either and I lost her. You shouldn’t be so hard
on Brian.”

“You didn’t know him,” said Hope, turning away from me,
walking to the rail. “He was afraid of everything. He couldn’t make a decision
on his own. Even when his – and our – lives depended on it, he froze. He let
those men rape his daughter and his wife. You didn’t even know us, but you
risked your life to save ours. You made a decision to do that. I can’t help but
be hard on Brian.”

Before I could respond, she stood and left the porch. I was
relieved because I didn’t know what to say. I watched as she walked over to her
girls, surprising each with a hug.

I found myself sitting there, planning the next day. There
was plenty of work that needed to be done, and it felt good being the guy doing
it for them. Keeping them busy distracted them from thinking about the terror
they had experienced two days earlier. There was also plenty of saving that
needed to be done, and it felt good being the guy doing it for them.

Earl was wrong. I wasn’t hiding from anything. I was where I
was needed. I was where I wanted to be. Sam didn’t have a problem with it and
neither did I. I had a feeling I wouldn’t be seeing either of them for a while.

As the sun began its descent in the sky, the girls were
exhausted. Hope put together a fine dinner and we all sat around the table
talking about our day. Tyler couldn’t wait to eat the first cherry tomato off
her plant. Mary Anne and Katie were asking me about turning one of the sheds
into a schoolhouse.

Hope sat at the other end of the table, drinking in the
conversations around her. Her eyes were bright and her smile was beaming. I
caught her staring at me several times as we laughed. She was a beautiful
woman.

I offered to put Tyler to bed while Hope cleared the table.
Miss Sassy fought to keep her eyes open as I carried her upstairs. Mary Anne
and Katie collapsed onto their mattress, pulling the covers up to their necks.

I tucked them in and kissed Mary Anne on the forehead,
wishing her sweet dreams. I did the same for Katie, but she reached up and
pulled me down after the kiss, putting her lips to my ear.

“I really am sorry I called you a coward,” whispered Katie.
“You’re not. I’m so glad you’re staying with us. We all are. We feel safe with
you here.”

“Get some sleep, angel,” I said. “I’ll see you in the
morning.”

Tyler was fast asleep by the time I got to her, tucking her
in tight. Her tiny face with rosy cheeks was a magnet I was powerless to
resist. I kissed her twice, brushing her hair away from her eyes. Her
strawberry scent drew a smile across my face. “I won’t let anything hurt you,
baby girl. I’ll always be a warrior for you.”

I stood in the doorway for a moment, admiring the sleeping
beauties. A hint of anger grew in my stomach, thinking about the men who
did
hurt them. I thought about going into the woods, digging them up, and killing
them again. The thought left my head when I found Hope sitting on the glider.
She smiled, handing me a glass.

“Join me?”

“This is becoming my favorite spot,” I said, accepting the drink,
sitting close beside her.

“Mine, too.”

“The garden looks good,” I said. “You guys are going to make
great farmers.”

“It’s always been a dream of mine,” said Hope, giving me a
sideways smile.

“Farmer Hope,” I said, laughing. “It has a ring to it.”

Chuckling, she turned, looking across the front yard as the
sun was setting, bathing everything in gold. “I love this view.”

“So do I,” I said, staring at her. “If anything, it’s
peaceful. I can only imagine what they’re seeing in the city.”

“You don’t miss it, do you?” asked Hope, turning to face me.

“I don’t,” I said. “Anything I would miss is gone now.”

“Including her?” said Hope, catching me off guard. “What was
her name? The one you lost.”

“Samantha,” I answered. “I called her Sam.”

“Do you think you’ll ever get over her?”

“I’m working on that,” I said, taking her hand.

When she squeezed, putting her head on my shoulder, I made
the decision Earl was looking for me to make. I remembered telling him I
couldn’t save everyone. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to save them.

“Hope,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “I want to ask
you something.”

“What is it?” she said, sitting up with wide eyes.

“Would it be okay if I –”

He walked past the signs as if they weren’t there.
Continuing to the oak tree, he leaned a rifle against it. Hope and I stared at
him as he took off his hat, went down to a knee, and lowered his head at
Brian’s cross.

“Go wake up the girls,” I said, standing. “Get them ready.”

“Let them sleep,” said Hope, standing beside me, holding my
hand. “It’s okay. I know him.”

“Who is he?” I asked, not caring that she did. He was a
stranger to me and that’s all that mattered. I reached down for my Remington. I
wasn’t the guy who gave the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t the guy who
hesitated. I was the guy who promised a little girl I’d be a warrior for her.

“It’s Jason,” said Hope, standing in front of me. “It’s
Brian’s brother.”