Wishing Pearl (36 page)

Tammy gasped. “What happened?” She jumped up and ran around her desk to Olivia’s side. She picked up the pieces of the instrument.

“I wish I knew. Someone did this.” Olivia twisted her fists apart. “Broke it.”

Tammy shook her head. “Why? Who? Do you know?”

“Yes. But I can’t prove it.” She filled Tammy in on what had happened in the church bathroom.

“Oh boy. I sure wish you’d told me about this right away. We’ll have to get Ben down here.” She pressed numbers into her phone and waited. In the space of no more than a few heartbeats, Olivia heard the beep of a return text. “He’ll be right here.”

Olivia nodded. “Can I use your phone real quick while we’re waiting?” She held her hand up to the side of her face. “I mean, we have to get to the bottom of this—that’s a big priority. But my first concern is about my concert next weekend. It’s a big deal. I have an important solo.” Olivia fought against the tears. “I h–have to buy a new oboe.”

“How will you do that?”

Olivia felt her cheeks reddening. “I’m going to call and see if I can get a raise in my credit card limit.” Now that she said it out loud, it sounded crazy even to her. She’d never be allowed to place that call.

“Oh.” Tammy hesitated. “I can’t let you do that, hon. It’s not your money. You’d have to call home for permission.”

It figured. Olivia slumped down even farther. “Just forget it, then. Charles will never agree to it.”

“Then you definitely have to know it wouldn’t be right to go behind his back with the credit company. Right?”

“What’s right about any of this?” Olivia shouted—not that Tammy could hear her volume. But she couldn’t mistake the tears. “Everything. Every. Single. Thing. Everything I care about gets destroyed. Everything. God truly hates me. That’s all there is to it.” She pulled her flattened palm down across the length of her face—
God
—then flicked the fingers of both hands outward from her chest—
hates
. She pressed her fists hard into her chest—
me
.

“What’s this I hear?” Ben boomed as he came through the door, his usual grin replaced by a comforting smile. “God hates you? Whatever drew you to that conclusion?”

Tammy gestured to her desk. “Someone did this to Olivia’s oboe.”

“Oh dear.” He put his hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “Olivia, you must understand, this isn’t the work of God. This is the work of His enemy, Satan, trying to keep you from seeking the Lord. He wants nothing more than for you to run from God, to think He hates you or doesn’t answer your prayers. This is how Satan works. You can’t let him have that victory.”

Hmm
. That actually made sense. Didn’t change anything though. “But he’s already won.” Olivia gestured to the pile on the desk.

“No. His victory only occurs if he turns your heart from seeking God. He doesn’t care a bit about that oboe. He wants you.” Ben held her gaze. “Don’t let him win, Olivia. He’s trying to beat you down with this oboe. The Lord
will
win if you trust Him.”

Transfixed, Olivia nodded. What Ben said really rang true. At least it was some kind of explanation. “Okay. Then what do I do?” Why couldn’t Mom have married someone like Ben?

“You fight.”

Olivia nodded. “I fight.”

“Yes, but Olivia, your fight isn’t against an enemy in this house. It’s not against the person who did this.” He gestured at the desktop. “Or who sent me that text message earlier today. It’s not against your stepfather, or the person driving the car that killed your daddy. It’s not against your mom. Most of all, Olivia, your fight is
not
against yourself.”

Olivia stared at Ben’s eyes—not blinking, not moving a muscle, afraid she was about to get the answer to her search and any movement would break the spell of the moment. “Who, then? Who do I fight?”
Tell me. Please tell me
.

“You fight the lies.”

“The lies?”

“The lies that tell you you aren’t good enough. The lies that tell you you’re at fault. The lies that keep you from opening up to us about your pain. The lies that keep you from turning your heart over and trusting Jesus.” Ben looked deep into Olivia’s eyes. “Those lies. Face them so you can fight them.”

Olivia nodded slowly.
He’s right
.

“Are you ready to do the hard work?”

“Yes.” Whatever it took.

Ben looked at Tammy, all business again. “This is it. This is the week. She’s ready.”

Tammy nodded. “I’m ready, too.” She smiled softly at Olivia. “But Ben, what about …?” Tammy gestured to the oboe.

“No problem. God will work that out.”

“But if I can’t do my solo, I need to let Mr. Gables know.”

Ben put his hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “God will work it out. Do you trust Him?”

Did she? Olivia had no idea. She pressed her lips together in a tight line and shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Do this for me. Say, ‘I trust You, Lord,’ whether you mean it or not, at least once an hour until you see His answer. Can you do that?”

“I’ll try.” Sounded like a kooky idea to Olivia. But nothing else had worked. She might as well give it a shot.

“Good enough.” Ben grinned, his eyes sparkling. “This is my favorite part. This is when God moves—big-time.” He spun on his heels and left in a flurry.

“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Olivia let the words form a cadence as she ran on the treadmill, thankful to have beaten Kira to the machine. Only three hours had passed since she found her destroyed oboe. Six hours since the confrontation with Kira and Ben about the cigarettes. Nine hours since the performance at church. How could nine hours feel like a lifetime had passed? She let Ben’s words wash over her thoughts and tried to stay focused on the fight. He’d been so right about that. She had been held back by lies.

“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Did she? Maybe this was how it started. What did they call that? A step of blind faith? That’s definitely what it was. Blind faith. Trusting Someone who’d seemingly never helped her before.

“I. Trust. You. Lord.” Ben had said once an hour. But more often couldn’t hurt, right?

“Oliiivia. Seems like you’re really trying to get somewhere on that treadmill. When you figure out your destination, send us a postcard.”

Kira
. Olivia continued at her same pace with her face forward. She wasn’t going to let Kira get the best of her.

“You did such a wonderful job today. It was simply beautiful.” She turned to walk away then turned back with a snide grin. “Oh, and thanks for teaching my boyfriend how to do that sign language. He’s never looked hotter to me.”

Her
boyfriend? Olivia’s face must have registered the shock she felt.

“Yeah. Didn’t you hear? Justin and I are back together. Isn’t that great?” Kira’s syrup slithered over her tongue. “In fact, he said he almost had a little crush on you, but the cigarettes and that horrid scar were just too much for him to take.” Kira turned and bounced away, flinging her blond ponytail over her shoulder.

“I. Trust. You. Lord.”

Olivia’s pace slowed. Could Kira be telling the truth? Was Justin still interested in her? Olivia was pretty sure Kira was lying. But what if Justin really did find Olivia’s scar hideous? Her fingertips crept to her cheek. She felt the raised jagged line. Hardly visible from the front, but from the side—that was another story. What if he had been doing all of this because he felt sorry for her? Oh no. What if he was simply following orders from his dad?

Olivia gasped as she remembered Justin’s words from their first meeting.
“It’s just more of the same. Girls come and go…. Every girl here knows it’s only temporary. Dating like that makes no sense to me. “

Who was she kidding? Justin was too smart to get involved with someone like her. And her scar
was
hideous. Another reason for someone not to love her.

Did she even stand a chance at love … ever?

I
t’s time to talk about Charles.” Tammy closed the door to her office, sat down in her chair, and waited. What did Tammy want from her? Olivia wasn’t about to spill out the details as casually as telling a joke or chatting about the weather. It wasn’t as easy to spew out the raw truths as Tammy seemed to think it should be. Olivia couldn’t turn her horror on and off like flipping a light switch. With her arms crossed over her chest, she held Tammy’s gaze. “Tell me.” Tammy leaned forward. “Tell you
what?”
Olivia didn’t want to have this conversation—not now, not ever. But Ben had said she needed to face it in order to fight it.
Sigh
.

“Tell me what happened so I can help you,” Tammy coaxed with a gentle tone, but she gave no sign of backing down.

“What happened?” Olivia pointed to her head and banged her fists together then pointed to herself. “Trust me. You don’t want to know what happened. But fine.” She poked her thumb into her chest. “I’ll tell you.” She took a deep breath and pushed the words out like water surging through a broken dam before she had second thoughts and stopped them. “My stepfather molested me from the time I was twelve until just a few months ago. There. You happy?”

“Happy? Nowhere near.” Tammy sighed and pressed on her eyes.

Olivia blew out her breath like a deflating balloon. She had thought the world would feel different to her once that information floated out on the airwaves, but it didn’t. Ju-Ju knew and now Tammy did, but Olivia’s reality remained the same, and voicing it didn’t erase it or change it in the slightest. But, she had to admit, it did free her in a way. She no longer carried it alone, and that was a strangely comforting realization. But now what?

“How often?” Tammy only signed her words as though she didn’t trust her voice.

Was that a quiver in her lower lip? “Total?” Olivia brought her fingertips together in front of her body.

Tammy nodded.

“Sixteen times.”

“Olivia, you need Jesus.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. He just doesn’t seem very interested in me.”

Tammy drew back like she’d been slapped. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s see, where do I even start? He let my dad die in front of me even though He could have stopped it. He let my mom marry
Chuck
. He let Chuck abuse me for years. He let my friend die in yet another car accident I was in. I either did some royal damage in a past life or He just gets His jollies out of watching me suffer. Or—and I’m sincerely considering this possibility—He simply doesn’t exist.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Tammy shook her head. “You’ve got it all wrong. It’s like Ben said. God didn’t
let
your dad die; He held you through the pain of the unthinkable. He didn’t
let
your mom marry Charles or
let
Charles abuse you; He held you up in the face of the darkest evil in the world. He didn’t
let
Jordyn die to make you suffer; rather, He kept His hand on you in the light of the natural consequences of her actions. Do you see?”

Olivia listened intently. Could Tammy be right? “If He’s there, why don’t I feel His presence?” She scooped her open palms up into the air.
Presence
. Then she signed an unspoken word by touching her fingertip to her forehead and pressing her fist outward.
Ever
.

“But you do, Liv.” Tammy smiled. “Remember when you told me how you knew deep in your heart that you had to come here?”

Olivia nodded.

“That was the voice of the Holy Spirit. Um … remember when Mr. Gables showed up here from the fine arts school?”

“Yeah?”
What did that have to do with God?

“It was a total coincidence he came here that day. No one invited him. He popped in unannounced and uninvited. He’s a big financial supporter of Diamond Estates, and he’s always welcome here for a visit … but he’s never just popped in like that before. And the one day he did, it
happened
to be at the exact time you were playing. And he
happened
to be in desperate need of an oboist.”

Hmm
.

“Listen. You have these big things in your life. They’re like benchmarks of pain so when you look back, you see only those glaring reminders sticking up like skyscrapers on the horizon behind you. But you’re missing all the beauty beneath them.”

Go on. Please. Tell me about the beauty
.

“You’re a loving, amazingly talented girl with a heart of gold. You have a brother you’ve cherished and given your time and attention to. You helped him become the man he is. And your dad, whether you can see it yet or not, he lives on in you. All of the wonderful things about him, the things you shared together, are a part of you. You are his legacy.”

Some legacy
. “But wow—I’m not honoring his memory, am I? By living in the past, in guilt, in fear … I’m just making it all a big waste.”

“Right. I’m not going to say that bad things haven’t happened to you. You’ve sure had more than what would seem like your share. But you see, God has kept His hand on you, guided you and girded you with strength through all the junk life has thrown your way.” Tammy grew animated and signed every other word. “Now, in His timing, He’s about to restore some of what the locusts have eaten.”