Wishes and Tears (14 page)

‘No. No, thank you. I really must get back.'

‘Please yourself.'

As he drove her to the station she could feel him continually looking at her and it made her feel very uncomfortable. What was going through his mind? And would it affect Mark's job? And what if she did try to persuade Mark to sell cars, could they finish up in a nice house?

She felt flattered that a man like Danny could be interested in her - or was it all show?

As she sat on the train she looked at her reflection. In a week's time she would be nineteen. She wasn't bad-looking and hadn't lost her figure after having Paula. But she knew now that Mark was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

She had to tell him about Paula soon. There shouldn't be any secrets in their relationship.

Mark was pleased Janet had been to see Danny and that she had paid his rent, but he warned her again to be careful of Danny, as he was a ladies' man.

This year Janet's birthday was on a Sunday, and after church and her Sunday school they spent the evening quietly at Mark's house. They sat in the front room with his parents watching television. Mark had his arm round her and in the dark he would gently brush his lips against her cheek. She was thrilled with his touch and wished they could be alone.

The next day he was going back to work at last so she would have to wait till the end of the week before she saw him again.

On Friday when Mark came home he was full of Danny's house, which his boss had taken him to see that afternoon.

‘You should see it, Jan, it's great. He's got four bedrooms. I ask you, what does he want with four bedrooms?'

‘Perhaps he's going to take in lodgers.'

Mark laughed. ‘No, can't see him doing that.'

‘Who does his cleaning?'

‘Seems he's got some old dear who comes in, she keeps it looking good.'

‘Lucky old Danny.'

‘It's an investment, he's just making sure his money grows. Clever bloke is Danny, and that's made up my mind. I' m going to sell cars. You wait and see, we'll have a house just like it in a few years' time.'

During the past few weeks they had spent many hours talking about their future but never once did Janet feel it was the right time to tell him about Paula. At times she felt weighed down with guilt, and because she feared she might lose him and after a lot of soul searching, she decided that it might be better to leave Paula unsaid. This grew to a firm decision not to tell him.

Now that Mark had made up his mind to give selling cars a go, he didn't get home till late on a Saturday evening. He would be full of how much money he'd made. It seemed everybody wanted to buy a second-hand car and he was surprised at some of the wrecks they managed to get rid of. Danny's business was growing. As the old buildings alongside were being pulled down so the area that held the cars was getting bigger and the cars more expensive.

Janet was pleased that Mark appeared to be happy and he told her that he much preferred sitting in the office and driving about looking for cars than, in his words, ‘tarting them up and selling them on'. Having sold his own as soon as he went back to work, he came home in a different one every weekend, which he borrowed from the forecourt. He only chose the good-looking models and some of them were very smart and slick with the chrome shining. They certainly turned a few heads when they drove by. He had also bought some nice clothes; smart crepe shoes and a new suit. Janet was glad it wasn't a teddy boy suit. He said he had to keep up the image, like Danny. She did have worries about his role model and hoped he didn't become too much like him. She also hoped he was saving more so they could decorate the flat. She would have liked one of the new contemporary three-piece suites she had seen in a furniture shop. It would look lovely along with the radiogram they were getting.

When they saw the news at the cinema of Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier's wedding, Janet squeezed Mark's hand.

‘Our wedding will be just as wonderful as theirs.'

He smiled and kissed her cheek. ‘I'm glad it won't be as expensive.'

By May, Janet was being swept along with all the preparations their mothers were making for the wedding.

With just two weeks to go everything was beginning to get exciting. Janet was so happy. The banns were being read and even her father managed a smile when he read out their names in church. The two-tier wedding cake was being iced and decorated with fancy roses and lattice work. Her lovely dress hung behind her bedroom door and all the village was looking forward to this grand event.

Janet had been trying to work out how much it would cost to go abroad for their honeymoon. They still hadn't made any decision and she was beginning to get cross with Mark lately, trying to pin him down to some answers.

One Friday evening, when Janet had left her lists and calculations to join her mother who was watching television, their peace was shattered by someone banging on the front door.

‘Who on earth can that be at this time of night?' said her mother, looking at the clock.

‘I'll go,' said Janet, and she hurried to open the door.

‘Mark!' She threw her arms round his neck.

He held her for a few seconds, then stepped back.

‘What are you doing here on a Friday?' In the porch light she noticed how pale his face was.

‘Who is it, dear?' Her mother's voice came from the drawing room.

‘It's all right, Mother, it's Mark.'

‘Well, ask him in.'

He shook his head.

‘No, we won't stop,' Janet called. She lowered her voice. ‘Are you all right?'

He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I had to see you, Jan.'

‘Is something wrong?'

He looked round nervously.

‘I'll get my cardi and we can talk outside.'

They walked down the path in silence, till they were away from the house.

‘What are you doing home tonight?'

‘Jan, there's been a bit of trouble.'

‘Trouble? What kind of trouble? You've not had an accident, have you?'

‘No, not me.'

‘It's Danny. Oh, poor Danny. How did it—'

‘It wasn't Danny.'

Janet's mind was reeling. It couldn't be anything to do with his mother or father. That kind of news would have spread round the village quicker than the plague.

‘Let's sit in the car.'

‘Have you been home yet?'

‘No. Look, Janet, I've got to get away.'

‘What?' It was like an explosion. ‘Where to?'

‘I don't know at the moment.'

‘When?'

‘Now. I can't go back to work for Danny.'

‘Oh my God, you're not in any trouble with the police, are you?'

‘No.' His reply was quick and sharp.

‘But why now? We get married in two weeks. Mark, what's wrong?'

He gripped the steering wheel with both hands, his knuckles white. ‘I sold a car.' He wiped the perspiration from his top lip. ‘I knew it wasn't in good condition and ...' He turned to Janet, his eyes full of tears.

She sat with her mouth open. ‘What happened?' she whispered.

‘It was a family. The wife and two kids ... They're all ... The car went up in flames and they couldn't get out.'

‘And the husband?'

‘He's badly injured. Janet, I can't go back to the garage. The family will kill me.'

‘But if it was an accident ...'

‘But I sold them the car.'

‘It wasn't your fault.'

‘I don't know that. It wasn't as roadworthy as it should have been.'

‘So how do you know all this?'

‘Rob told me.'

‘How does he know?'

‘The police came to the yard.'

‘Why didn't he fix the car before it was sold?'

‘It was a cash job and they wanted it quick. They were going on holiday.'

‘So it
wasn't
your fault. What did Danny say?'

‘Told me not to be so sensitive. He reckoned the bloke must have been a bad driver. But what if the police find the car's to blame?'

‘As Danny said, you only sold it to them.'

‘Yes, but it'll be on my conscience for the rest of my life. What if the police blame me? I could be had up for manslaughter. I could go to prison.'

‘Oh no.'

‘What am I going to do?'

Janet didn't know how to comfort him.

‘I'm not going back. I'm getting out of this business. I haven't got the stomach for it. I know Danny cuts corners, but I was the one who sold it. It's those kids. What if that bloke lives? His family's all gone.' His voice shook. He took hold of her hand. ‘You do understand, don't you?'

‘My poor love. Of course.' Janet put her arms round him. ‘You don't have to go back there. We can manage for now, and after the wedding we can find somewhere round here to live.'

‘After the wedding we're going to Canada.' It was a demand not a request.

Janet took a deep breath. ‘What?'

‘Don't you see? We can go to Canada and start a new life. Start afresh.'

‘I don't want to.'

‘I thought you loved me.'

‘I do, but I can't go all that way away.'

‘Why not? You don't get on that well with your parents so what's stopping you?'

‘I'm sorry but I don't want to.'

‘Give me one good reason.'

‘I thought you'd given up that idea.'

‘No, it's always been at the back of my mind. So, what d'you say?'

Janet sat and stared at him. What could she say? She turned her head and closed her eyes tight. She'd thought to hide it but this was the moment she had to tell him the truth. The moment she had been dreading. ‘Mark, I'm really sorry but I can't go with you. You see I have to find someone.'

‘Find someone? What're you talking about?'

‘I've got to find my daughter.'

‘What did you just say?'

‘If I went to Canada I wouldn't be able to look for my daughter,' she said softly.

The silence filled the air for what seemed to Janet for ever.

He turned and faced her. ‘Did I just hear you right? A daughter?'

‘Yes. I have a daughter, Paula. She's two years old now and—'

‘You've got a kid?' Mark looked at her long and hard, his face filled with anger. ‘You were going to marry me and not tell me ... ? You, a vicar's daughter?' His voice was beginning to rise. ‘You who's always been so prim and proper and wouldn't even let me put my hand up your skirt? So, when did this happen? And how many blokes have you had it off with then?'

‘It was only one.'

‘I bet.'

‘It's true.'

‘I don't believe this. You were going to make me wait till you got me well and truly hooked, then calmly announce it one day, I suppose?'

‘It wasn't going to be like that.'

He sat staring out of the window.

‘I'm sorry, Mark, but there never seemed the right time to tell—'

He turned on her like a caged animal. ‘The right time. Don't give me that. Course there's been times. Ever since we started to go out. So how long ago did all this happen?'

She didn't answer.

‘So how old were you?'

‘Sixteen.'

‘Does my mum know?'

She shook her head.

‘How come you managed to keep this so quiet?'

‘I was sent away.'

‘Who sent you away?'

‘My mother and father.'

‘You could have said something before we got—'

‘I couldn't, nobody knows.'

‘I bet they don't. And you didn't trust me enough to tell me?'

‘It wasn't like that.'

He gave a nasty laugh. ‘Well, you certainly fooled all of them and me. So what did you do with the kid?'

‘I had her adopted.'

‘So that should be the end of it.'

‘No, you see I promised her I'd find her one day.'

‘When?'

‘When she was born.'

‘And she said, “Oh good, Mum. I'll look out for you.” Don't talk so bloody daft.'

‘I need to find her.'

‘Why?'

‘I must. She's mine and I love her,' she said softly.

‘And what about me?'

‘Mark, can't you see, I must find out if she's happy.'

‘And what about me?' he repeated. ‘I don't believe I'm hearing all this. I thought you loved me.'

‘I do.'

‘Well, you've got a bloody funny way of showing it.'

‘I'm so sorry.'

‘I bet you are. Sorry I found out about it.'

‘I've got to find her.'

‘And how do you reckon to do that?'

‘I don't know. I thought that if we lived in London - that' s where she was born—I might stand a better chance.'

‘And I was the patsy who was going to look after you, feed you and clothe you while you were swanning about looking for your long-lost kid. Spare me the hearts and flowers, will you?'

‘Mark, it wasn't going to be like that.' Tears filled her eyes.

‘I bet your mum and dad nearly had a fit when you told 'em. Who's the lucky bloke who got your knickers off then?'

‘Mark, you're being horrid.'