Wired for Love (13 page)

You can follow essentially the same steps as in the previous exercise. I know it might seem easier to simply ask your partner what his or her vulnerabilities are, but I’m willing to bet you’re already more of an expert on your partner than you realize. So begin by compiling what you know.

1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner. You probably didn’t know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?
   
2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed. In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable?
   
3. Jot down all the incidents and issues that come to mind. Don’t censor yourself.
   
4. When you’ve completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities. See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.
   
5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner: Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad. Watch your partner’s face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal.
   

Note, I have suggested doing these two exercises (identifying your own vulnerabilities and identifying your partner’s vulnerabilities) on your own. Alternatively, you and your partner may choose to go through this process together.

The Three or Four Things That Make Your Partner Feel Good

How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved? I’m talking here of a phrase, a deed, or an expression aimed at one’s partner meant specifically to uplift him or her. I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move, charm, or otherwise enamor one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or elevate your partner’s mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner.

In my work with couples, I have found most people don’t want their partner to change, not really. They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are. But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner. They want to avoid pushing the other’s buttons. But that’s not enough. They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry. They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.

In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other. In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child’s painful feelings and cultivate positive ones. It also can be compared to the role of a regulator. Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other’s moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and knows when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good.

More than just a safe environment, the couple bubble is a place for partners to feel excitement, enrichment, and most importantly, attraction. I’m not speaking here about physical attraction. Rather, I mean the kind of attraction that serves as glue to hold the relationship together. Unfortunately, fear often is the glue holding couples together. Fear may be useful for keeping a partner in line, but it obviously is counter to the notion of a couple bubble. We should
want to be in the bubble; we shouldn’t feel we have
to be there. We want to be with our partner because there is no other place in the world we’d rather be. Our attraction is based on what we do for one another that no one else can or wants to do. Couples who don’t use this kind of attraction as their glue are doomed to fail sooner or later.

Exercise: What Can Uplift Your Partner?

Are you aware of what things you can say or do that have the power to relieve distress and uplift your partner? Take a minute and think about these now.

1. You may find it helpful to begin with the list of vulnerabilities you made earlier. For each of the three or four things that make your partner feel bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling. For instance, if my history has me doubting my worth as a parent, my partner can predictably brighten my mood with a spontaneous “You’re such a good father,” delivered right into my eyes.
   
2. Check the list you come up with against the antidotes in table 4.2, which might give you additional ideas.
   
3. You may also want to create a list of the things your partner can (and does) do that please and uplift you. If you are doing this exercise together, you can create separate lists for each other and then compare notes.
   

Scratching Your Partner’s Itch

Remember how ineffective Peggy and Simon were at handling their respective vulnerabilities? Well, as it turns out, they’re not much better at making each other feel good.

As a child, Peggy received positive messages about her prettiness, and she’s always felt good about her appearance. She has questioned her intelligence, however, ever since a teacher humiliated her in grade school. Although Peggy completed college, she viewed herself as an average student. Simon, on the other hand, has always considered himself intelligent. Despite his difficult upbringing, he managed to put himself through college and earned a degree in chemical engineering. He doesn’t believe, however, that he is lovable and worthwhile as a human being. He never felt truly wanted, and now he continually anticipates that Peggy will leave him.

Throughout their European vacation, Simon told Peggy how beautiful she is and how attracted to her he is. Yet he wondered why she often failed to respond to his compliments and physical advances. He figured if he just repeated them more often, she would be more appreciative. But that didn’t seem to work.

Peggy is the one who handles the couple’s travel arrangements. Although Simon is aware of her doubts about her intelligence, he never employs that knowledge by saying, “You’re so smart” or “I love that you know the history of this place” or “I always learn so much being with you.” If he expressed any variation of these messages, he might enjoy a brightening in her face that he never sees when commenting on her beauty. This might lead to a mutual amplification of positive feeling, as her brightening causes his face to brighten. But alas, because he doesn’t use this approach, he gets zilch, zippo, nada.

Peggy, on the other hand, sings Simon’s praises when it comes to his smarts. She truly values his intelligence and is surprised when the most her comments get out of him is a social smile. If, however, she looked into his eyes and said, “You are a good man” or “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for” or “I love that you want to keep me close” or “I will never leave you,” she might find Simon responsive in ways that benefit her, as well.

Peggy and Simon lose out on the advantages of a couple bubble—both the safety and security that come with mutual protection and distress relief, and the vitality and attractiveness that come with providing the missing self-esteem pieces from childhood. As partners, each holds the keys to the other’s self-esteem and self-worth. Remember, as we discussed in chapter 1, self-esteem and self-worth are developed through our contact with other people. You misunderstand if you think these goods are provided by the self. They’re not; they’re provided by the other
.
That’s how it works and that’s how it has always worked, starting from infancy.

Now I’d like you to meet another couple.

Paul and Barbara have become very social since their last child left the nest two years ago. They like going out with friends and enjoy participating in community and philanthropic activities. Barbara was abandoned by her father when she was four; her mother, who raised her and her older sister alone, passed away last year. Barbara is still sad about the loss of her mother and of her children, who are all away at school. Paul was the oldest of five siblings, all male. His father was especially hard on him during childhood. His mother tended to take a back seat to his father’s authoritarianism.

Although this couple’s vulnerabilities are not dissimilar from those of Peggy and Simon, they respond to one another in a very different manner. Paul understands Barbara’s history, and is able to help her recognize when her reactions to him are influenced by the childhood loss of her father. Whenever Barbara pulls away from him, Paul knows what to do to be of help. Likewise, Barbara understands Paul’s history; she stands ready whenever his insecurities and perfectionism arise and knows what to do to help him.

For example, on the way home from a dinner event one evening, Paul noticed that Barbara, sitting next to him in the passenger seat, was unusually quiet. He remembered that, during dinner, a woman at their table had talked about caring for her aging parents. Guessing Barbara was still thinking about this, he said softly, “You’re remembering your mother, aren’t you?”

She nodded and wiped away a stray tear.

Paul could feel her distress. Reaching for her hand and kissing it, he said, “I’m so sorry, honey. I know you miss her.”

Wiping away more tears, she whispered, “Thank you.”

Paul was tracking Barbara that night, as he does whenever they are together. He knows what can hurt her, how she displays that hurt, and what he can do to help. He knows there are only three or four things that consistently have the power to hurt Barbara, and these vulnerabilities have existed since childhood and will probably exist until the day she dies. He doesn’t need to ask Barbara, “What’s wrong?” He already knows what’s bothering her. So he guesses; after all, it couldn’t be a hundred possible things, or even a dozen. She is predictable, as is he, so both of them use their knowledge of one another to be of help.

Asking a partner, “What’s wrong?” is a bit like asking “Who are you, again?” As partners, we should know. Others may not know and are not required to know, but we most certainly are. That’s our job, and that’s why we’re paid the big bucks! We do for our partners what others would not want to do because they don’t really care.

Of course, our guesses will not be correct a hundred percent of the time. I’m not suggesting you need to be clairvoyant. It is possible, for instance, that Barbara’s thoughts had moved to an event earlier in the day, perhaps something she was about to share with her husband. In that case, no harm would have come from Paul’s incorrect guess; the couple simply would have shifted to the new topic.

Barbara believes she is unable to handle loss, despite the fact that she has survived many losses in her life. She has always seen herself as less attractive than her older sister, who was surrounded by boyfriends; in contrast, Barbara excelled in academics. Although she knows better as an adult, the child part of her still believes she was responsible for her father leaving because she had disappointed him. This has made the transition of their children from home to college even more difficult than it might otherwise have been.

Paul regularly makes use of his knowledge about Barbara’s missing pieces and doesn’t spend much effort on things that have little or no effect on her self-esteem. He frequently tells her how proud he is of her as a mother and how lucky he feels to be with her. He repeatedly reminds her, “Honey, I’m with you for the long haul.” He never misses an opportunity to look at her as if she is the most beautiful, sexy woman on the planet and tells her so, as well. These three or four things that he provides not only help heal the past, but also give her what she most needs in the present. He loves that he is able to move her emotionally. He scratches the right itch each time.

Because of his neglect issues from childhood, Paul needs to know he is trusted and trustworthy. He doubts himself to such a degree that he sometimes becomes frozen and unable to stick by decisions. He needs to hear that his opinion is respected, although he has a way of undercutting that support by suspecting that anyone who always agrees with him is weak minded.

Barbara makes liberal use of her knowledge about Paul’s missing pieces and avoids pandering to the things that don’t matter that much to him. She often tells him, “I trust you with my life.” She never argues with him just to prove herself right, but will stand up to him when she believes doing so is important for both of them. She regularly tells Paul how much she believes in his ability to do the right thing, and to fix it if he discovers otherwise. Barbara knows what Paul needs to shore up his self-esteem and self-worth, and she does it without hesitation because it benefits her, as well.

Barbara and Paul maintain a loving couple bubble. As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly how to scratch it to provide relief. Often it takes just a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each other’s primitives and communicate the support that is needed. They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive—and even indispensible—to one another. Nor does anyone outside their bubble do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the one that exists outside their bubble.

Exercise: The Emote Me Game

You can play this game with your partner, each taking turns to “emote” the other. Or you can practice it without telling your partner what you’re doing. Either way, you stand to learn a lot about your relationship.

1. Say or do something to make your partner smile brightly. Drawing upon your knowledge of your partner, try to anticipate what will bring a smile to his or her face, then watch and see if it works. For example, you might give your partner a back rub or relate a special shared memory.
   
2. Now say something complimentary about your partner that will profoundly move him or her. You will know you have succeeded if you bring tears to your partner’s eyes. I don’t mean tears of sadness, but the moistness that comes when we feel deeply touched. Brief, declarative statements are most likely to succeed. Long, drawn-out statements will fail. Avoid adding qualifications. For example, your partner may be moved if you say, “You’re the most trustworthy person I know,” but saying “You’re a very trustworthy person…most of the time” is unlikely to produce the desired effect. Neither will a lazy compliment, such as “You know how much I like your cooking.” That isn’t very moving if you’re just repeating what you think your partner already knows. And don’t always expect immediate results. If your partner doesn’t respond to a compliment, take that as information about what affects him or her, and try something else.
   
3. Finally, say or do something that causes your partner to get excited. You can see excitement in the eyes: they widen and the pupils dilate, if only for an instant. Your partner’s face may become redder, and his or her vocal tone may become higher in pitch and louder.
   
4. In each case (whether you’re finding a way to make your partner smile, complimenting him or her, or exciting him or her), if you are playing this game together, don’t ask your partner what will work. It’s your job as the expert to find this out. And don’t ask your partner if what you said or did worked, either. Look for the clues; notice your partner’s reaction. Through this process, you build your expertise. And your partner does the same. You will both receive benefits. Remember, you are wired together!