Wired for Love (11 page)

Kaylee looks down at the floor and says, “You’re impossible.”

“I know. You’ve always felt I’m impossible, I’m just way too much trouble. Why don’t you leave me, if you feel that way? You’re sorry you married me, aren’t you?”

Kaylee continues to look down, but now with her arms folded and her head shaking.

I Can’t Do It With or Without You.

Now, before you get angry at Jaden, remember he’s not really doing anything wrong. As with Chiana, his reaction to his partner is quite reasonable when you consider that it’s based on his experience not just with her, but with his earliest caregivers. In fact, both Chiana’s and Jaden’s insecurity preceded their current relationships. In other words, they both came to the table this way, even if they don’t realize it.

Jaden responds as he does because he is a wave. Ocean waves don’t provide any sense of steadiness or security. They cause a perpetual disturbance of the water—always going up and down, up and down. From the vantage point of the shore, waves come rushing in, only to immediately rush back out again. It’s as if they can’t make up their mind where they belong. In the case of partners, it’s the wave who causes disturbance in the relationship by becoming preoccupied with fear, anger, and ambivalence about being close. They can’t fully move forward because they are still caught up with past injuries and injustices. These thoughts and emotions ebb and flow like literal waves.

If both members of the couple are waves, there can be even more turmoil—a continual tug of war, as both partners alternate between being close and being standoffish. So, if you are a wave, or in a relationship with one, prepare for a certain amount of high drama. Unlike islands, who are likely to do a disappearing act when the going gets tough, waves respond by, well . . . making waves.

Jaden’s ambivalence stems from the fact that he both wants to connect and is afraid of connecting. He alternates between feeling wanted and rejected. He thinks it’s only a matter of time before Kaylee will reject him, so he holds back from feeling good, hopeful, relieved, and comforted. As Jaden puts it, “Better to reject before being rejected, better to leave before being left.” He comes in close to his partner, hoping for connection, then quickly pulls back, anticipating disappointment. This moving in, then pulling back is the sign of a wave. The fact that Kaylee is an island—did you notice?—and therefore naturally pulls away in times of stress only serves to accentuate Jaden’s tendencies.

Unlike Chiana, Jaden remembers his childhood very well and remains angry at his parents, as if time has stood still. While Chiana idealizes her past and is unaware of having been on the receiving end of any injustice, Jaden is supremely aware of having been the victim of selfishness and insensitivity. He feels ripped off, both then and now. Unlike Chiana, he received plenty of affection, particularly from his mother, who often kissed, held, and rocked him. But he tends to focus on the times she was frustrated with him. Then, she was too anxious to deal with his fears, and too preoccupied with her own life to deal with his needs. Jaden’s father frequently was unavailable, which led to fights between his parents. Once, when his father left the house and stayed at a hotel, his mother cried and asked Jaden to stay with her through the night. He was only seven years old.

In contrast with Chiana, Jaden always valued interacting with others, especially his parents. He liked spending time talking, playing games, and cuddling. He loved to talk so much he often felt he was being “a pain in the ass.” It’s not as if he made this up. Both parents implied as much to him. What Jaden remembers disliking most intensely was being left or ignored. His parents sometimes left him with a babysitter, causing him great distress. He hated sleepovers that took him away from home and his parents.

Jaden truly does not understand why he reacts with anger whenever he reunites with Kaylee after they’ve been apart. His reaction confuses him as much as it bothers her.

“I really miss her and think about her when we’re apart,” he says. “I imagine us cuddling and having a great evening together. But then I come home, and something comes over me. I feel instantly angry, like I’m drowning but I don’t know why. She’ll say something like, ‘I’m glad you’re home,’ and I’ll believe her. And yet I’ll say something like, ‘You’re just glad ’cause you need me to fix the leaky faucet.’ It’s not like I intend to insult her, but I’m worried about what she’s really feeling. She finds me annoying. And I am, you know. I really am a pain in the ass,” he says, eyes filling with tears.

Whereas Chiana denies her need to depend on someone and would feel ashamed if she realized how needy she is, Jaden is aware of his need to depend. However, he believes he is too much for anyone, and anticipates being dropped, abandoned, or punished. This anticipation is so strong that he creates that reaction in his partner through his anger and negativity. He pushes on her until she pushes back.

Chiana refuses to look back and avoids dealing with current conflicts. Jaden refuses to look forward, and therefore is stuck focusing on the past and remains preoccupied with current conflicts. He won’t move forward because he feels he hasn’t resolved current and past injustices and insensitivities, nor received assurance that rejection or abandonment will never again occur.

Jaden’s insecurity can appear bottomless, and his need for frequent contact and reassurance can appear unreasonable to his partner. But neither of these is really true. Jaden’s issues probably are being maintained because both he and Kaylee have a misperception about relationships. They have not created a couple bubble, and they don’t have an agreement to put their relationship first. If Kaylee overcame her island tendencies and cheerfully made herself available to Jaden during the day, understanding that contact with him served her, as well, Jaden’s need to check and recheck her availability would subside. If Jaden cheerfully respected Kaylee’s need to get off the phone quickly, her anxiety about feeling “trapped” or “set up” would diminish. This mutual sensitivity would ease Jaden’s perception that their time apart was a precursor to abandonment, and alleviate Kaylee’s perception that she must constantly babysit Jaden so he feels secure.

To bring healing to their relationship, Kaylee would have to experiment with something counterintuitive. Instead of pulling away, she would have to move physically and emotionally forward and douse Jaden with messages such as “I’m so glad to see you” or “I missed you so much” or “Come here, you grouch, and give your girl a big kiss.” Of course, this is easier said than done, and most partners like Kaylee would balk at such a suggestion. Nonetheless, if your partner is a wave, this is the best way to overcome childhood injuries and shift him or her quickly from feeling threatened to feeling loved. When this happens, you benefit, as well.

Jaden also must do something different. He must come back to Kaylee as soon as he realizes he’s been negative or hostile, and apologize.

In these ways, they can repair the breach in their relationship and stop pushing each other away.

Exercise: Are You a Wave?

Do you think you and/or your partner might be a wave? Here are some typical statements; see if they apply to your or to your partner:

• “I take better care of others than I do of myself.”
  
• “I often feel as though I’m giving and giving, and not getting anything back.”
  
• “I thrive on talking to and interacting with others.”
  
• “If you upset me, I have to talk in order to calm down.”
  
• “My partner tends to be rather selfish and self-centered.”
  
• “I’m most relaxed when I’m around my friends.”
  
• “Love relationships are ultimately disappointing and exhausting. You can never really depend on anyone.”
  

Ambassadors Gone Wild

Whatever your style—anchor, island, or wave—you and your partner may assume, from what you’ve read so far, that you can count on your ambassadors to maintain harmony between you. For the most part, this is a good assumption. However, as I mentioned in chapter 2, despite their good qualities and benevolent intentions, ambassadors can be quite obnoxious at times. It’s true: the ambassadors can go wild—or wimpy or just plain weird—in all of us, no exceptions.

Anchors tend to have the most balanced ambassadors. On the rare occasion that some of their ambassadors go wild, anchors possess other ambassadors that can corral the wayward ones pretty quickly. Islands and waves, on the other hand, often grapple with more serious ambassador disparities. During times of distress, islands and waves have one thing in common: both have an ineffectual orbitofrontal cortex. The orbitofrontal cortex, you will recall, is the ruler of ambassadors and primitives alike. It’s our orbitofrontal cortex, ultimately, that determines whether or not we go to war. For this reason, islands and waves are more at risk of going to war if their ambassadors get wild or otherwise fail to toe the line.

The Wild Island

Islands tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors. If your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out issues. This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level. Of course, this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in settings other than romantic relationships. When the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational, arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or as insufficiently empathic. Under stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or too still.

During conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past. “The past is past. Why can’t we just move forward?” is a common island approach. In all-out war, an island’s left brain gets hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat. Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding of words) as weapons. It still sounds like an ambassador, but it acts like a primitive: its only interest is survival.

Two left brains at war can get ugly. To avoid this, ideally you can ride to the rescue and get through with verbal friendliness. Provided your own left brain has not gone wild, talk your partner down. Be reassuring, calming, and rational (“I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense” or “You’re right about that” or “You make a good point”).

A wild island often has little sense of what he or she is feeling and is poor at communicating feelings or picking up the feelings of his or her partner. The partner of an island may also have trouble doing these things, regardless of whether that person is an island too.

The Wild Wave

If your partner is a wave, he or she may insist too much on verbal assurances of love and security. This is the reverse of what we see with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances. With a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential, irrational, and angry. Under stress, a wave can be unforgiving, punishing, rejecting, and inflexible.

During conflict, a wave will tend to focus on the past and avoid the present and future. “I can’t move forward until we resolve what happened” is a common wave statement. In all-out war, the wave’s right brain gets hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by doggedly pursuing a resolution through connecting, now! In this situation, the connector uses physical and emotional connection as weapons. Again, it still sounds like an ambassador, but it acts like a primitive.

To avoid the explosiveness of two right brains at war, try reaching out nonverbally to your partner. If your own right brain has not gone wild, disarm your partner through nonverbal friendliness. Touch him or her gently; provide a calm presence. When you do speak, be reassuring and soothing.

Third Guiding Principle

The third principle of this book is that
partners relate to one another primarily as anchors, islands, or waves.
You and your partner should become familiar with each others’ relationship styles.

We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. By competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not experts on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. They don’t enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is within their reach “if only … .”

For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what you want and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to get the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here’s the rub: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people.

And that’s good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primary romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you’ll become an anchor!