William Shakespeare's The Phantom Menace

Copyright © 2015 by Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.
Used under authorization.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2014953126

eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-819-6
Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-59474-806-6

Text by Ian Doescher
Illustrations by Nicolas Delort
Production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

v3.1

TO ETHAN YOUNGERMAN, BARD OF NEW YORK,

AND TO CHRIS MARTIN, JEDI OF THE SOUTH.

TO HEIDI ALTMAN, FORCE IN OLD D.C.,

AND TO NAOMI WALCOTT, FAR-FLUNG MUSE

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Afterword

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

CHORUS

RUMOR

YODA,
a Jedi Master

QUI-GON JINN,
a Jedi Knight

OBI-WAN KENOBI,
his Jedi apprentice

MACE WINDU
and
KI-ADI-MUNDI,
Jedi Knights

QUEEN PADMÉ AMIDALA,
of Naboo

SABÉ,
her handmaiden and decoy

ANAKIN SKYWALKER,
a boy of Tatooine

SHMI SKYWALKER,
his mother

R2-D2,
a droid

C-3PO,
a droid

KITSTER, SEEK, AMEE,
and
WALD,
friends of Anakin

SIO BIBBLE,
governor of Naboo

CAPTAIN PANAKA
and
RIC OLIÉ, gentlemen of Naboo

BOSS NASS,
ruler of the Gungan tribe

JAR JAR BINKS
, a Gungan clown

CAPTAIN TARPALS,
a Gungan soldier

CHANCELL VALORUM,
of the Senate

SENATOR PALPATINE/DARTH SIDIOUS,
a senator of Naboo and Sith Lord

DARTH MAUL,
a Sith

NUTE GUNRAY,
viceroy of the Trade Federation

DAULTAY DOFINE, RUNE HAAKO
, and
TEY HOW
, gentlemen of the Trade Federation

WATTO,
a tradesman of Tatooine

SEBULBA,
a sportsman of Tatooine

JABBA OF THE HUTT,
a gangster

FODE AND BEED,
commentators

PODRACERS, SENATORS, PILOTS, GUARDS, THE QUEEN'S

HANDMAIDENS, GUNGANS, DROIDS,
and
CREATURES

Alack! What dreadful turmoil hath beset

The strong Republic and its bonds of peace.

O'er distant trade routes all do sigh and fret

As fears of grim taxation do increase.

The greedy, vile Trade Federation hath

Created a blockade none may pass through.

With deadly battleships they block the path

Unto the little planet call'd Naboo.

Whilst politicians endlessly debate,

The Chancellor Supreme plies strategy.

He sends two Jedi to negotiate—

They who keep peace within the galaxy.

In time so long ago begins our play,

In troubl'd galaxy far, far away.

[Exit
.

Open your hearts; for which of you will stop

The vent of feeling when loud Rumor speaks?

Her flaming tongue with poison'd tip shall drop

Unrest from Tatooine to Naboo's peaks.

See how, with mere suggestion of a tax,

Begin star wars that shall your eyes amaze.

Enraging th'Federation with false facts

Good sport did make for Rumor's cunning ways—

Inciting the Republic to respond

Now sets the game afoot on ev'ry side.

Thus shall I cause new worries to be spawn'd:

Hint of a dark Force rising I'll provide,

E'en till the proud Republic longeth for

Protection from some unknown, looming threat.

Replete with fear, each heart shall be full sore

Ere I have ceas'd the worry I beget.

Quick now, and let this merry play begin—

Unveil the Empire's full prehistory!

E'en groundlings, waiting weeks to be let in,

Look forward to the wonders they shall see.

Starts now what you have long'd for, sans delay:

Attend—a phantom menace comes anon!

Ye shall be pull'd into our clever play,

Ears, hearken to this story that doth dawn.

[Exit
.

Enter
Q
UI
-G
ON
J
INN
, O
BI
-W
AN
K
ENOBI
,
PILOT
,
and
CAPTAIN
.

I say, good captain.

—Aye, sir, what's your will?

Pray, make communication unto this

Trade Federation battleship, e'en here.

Tell them that we would board their ship anon.

[The captain addresses Nute Gunray via comlink
.

With great respect and humble mien, good sir,

With awe for the Trade Federation's might,

The brave ambassadors would swiftly board

Your ship, with your permission and consent.

[
aside:
] Methinks this captain's words are oversweet.

[
through comlink:
] Indeed—we nothing herein have to hide,

And as you know full well, our blockade is

Within the bounds of the Republic's law.

Your kind ambassadors shall be receiv'd

As we would welcome all Republic guests.

[Exit Nute Gunray from comlink
.

Thus shall we fly unto their battleship

And land within the core of its vast frame.

These Federation ships are massive, aye,

And run to excess for a mere blockade.

Yet, when taxation is the greater theme,

The melody oft leans toward life or death.

It is an ancient song that all know well—

The notes of levies ring with morbid knoll.

Indeed, it may most verily be said

That only death and taxes certain are.

[The Republic ship lands inside the battleship. Many droids surround the ship
.

Enter
DROID
TC-14
to speak with
Q
UI
-G
ON
J
INN
and O
BI
-W
AN
K
ENOBI
. P
ILOT
and
CAPTAIN
remain in the Republic ship
.

My name is TC-14, at your aid.

I prithee, come with me, good gentlemen.

Your visit doth bring honor unto us,

Ambassadors of high and noble blood.

Be now at ease, and wait upon my lord,

For he shall hither come to speak with you.

[Exit TC-14
.

I have a feeling bad about this, Master.

Yet sense I nothing. Wherefore art thou tense?

'Tis not about the mission—something else.

Elusive 'tis, aye, difficult to name.

O, center not on thy anxiety,

Young Obi-Wan. Thy concentration here

Maintain—within this very moment now—

For such is where thy focus doth belong.

But Master Yoda hath instructed me

To be e'er mindful of the future, for

Its advent may have meaning in my life.

'Tis true, yet future possibility

Must not be kept within the forefront of

Thy mind at the expense of what is here:

The present moment. Be e'er mindful of

The living Force, my worthy Padawan.

Aye, Master. Then, unto the present time:

How do you think the Viceroy shall respond

Unto the noble Chancellor's demands?

Methinks there can be little doubt in this:

These Federation dogs are cowardly

And shall be quick to heel at our command.

Negotiation shall be swift, indeed.

Enter
N
UTE
G
UNRAY
, D
AULTAY
D
OFINE
,
and
TC-14
above on balcony
.

What didst thou say, thou terror-speaking droid?

Just what my sockets hath observ'd, my lord:

These two ambassadors are Jedi Knights.

This I did prophesy in my mind's eye:

The two have come to force a settlement.

Go thou and make some keen distraction there;

I must make contact with Lord Sidious.

Hast thou lost all thy pow'r of intellect,

Thou jarring fool-born simple-minded rogue?

I shall not go where Jedi's steps do tread.

Instead, send one insensible to fear:

This droid shall serve our purpose. [
To TC-14:
] Go,

anon!

[Exit TC-14 from balcony
.