Wide Open (18 page)

I was more nervous now than I had been on the ride over to see Mom weeks ago. I was irritated, agitated, anxious, and though I knew I was being a jerk, Maya trying to make me feel better every five minutes was making me feel worse.

I knew when all this was over and we were on the other side of this thing that I wasn't going to have Maya any longer. I just knew it. It almost felt like I should just piss her off now so it would be easier to walk away when she left me later.

The more we drove, the more nervous I got. The farther we got, the harder I gripped the steering wheel.

"Milo, it'll be okay."

I gritted my teeth. "Just stop, Maya."

"I don't understand. You seemed so excited before and now…"

"Now, what?" I looked at her in the dark of the car and back to the dark road. "Now I'm just understanding better that I was naïve to think that a baby was going to make everything better. I can't just walk in there after all this time and expect them to just open their arms."

"They want you there," she insisted harder. "He called you." She covered my angry thumping fingers on the steering wheel. "Let me drive."

"I can drive. I’m fine."

"Milo, you're not fine. Just let me drive so you can relax and think."

"
Good night, Maya,"
I growled angrily. She sat back, her face tight. "I said I'm fine. Just stop already." I sighed and looked back at the road. "It's been a long time, and you have no idea what I've done. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to be a little apprehensive about seeing my brother that I haven't seen in years!" I was yelling. Yelling, like a freaking ass. "I was awful to him. He tried to save me over and over and over and all I did was spit in his face and yet, he still tried to save me. He took care of me when we were kids when my dad left. He takes care of my mom and his wife, and now he's having a baby. A
baby
." I shook my head, my hands gripping the steering wheel so tight it hurt. "So don't make out like I have no right to be upset."

I was doing it again. I was letting my bubbling anger at myself turn me into the person who turned and ran when he faced down his past. I couldn't seem to stop.

"Milo, I know it's hard—"

"This isn't some boo-boo to kiss better."

"I'm not saying it is. I've been there." I felt her hand on my arm. "It's hard to believe they'll forgive you."

"Maybe I don't want him to," I yelled. My voice bounced against the glass so hard it hurt my ears. I felt bad. I felt so bad, but I
couldn't
stop. "I certainly don't deserve it."

"That's not for you to decide. You do what needs to be done, try your best to make up for what you've done, move on, and work hard every day to go forward, not fall back."

"That all sounds a little easier said than done."

"It is."

I scoffed. "Do you hear yourself? This is an awful pep talk."

"I'm not going to sugarcoat things for you because that's not going to help you in the end. I'm not going to tell you things are going to be easy when they aren't. You need to know that things are always going to be hard," she said loudly to the side of my face. I hadn't looked over at her in a long time. I was being such a coward. Her fingers dug into my arm harder. "But family can make it easier."

I scoffed again. "Wow. No, they don't."

She yelled as she continued. "And the fact that you have family, and are considering not reconciling with them at all because you're a coward makes my sympathy for you plummet." I gulped, understanding her anger coming at me from all sides. She had one family member left to her name, and he was about to taken from her, too. But…how did family make addiction and crap like that easier? How did they make me not want to get high? That made no sense.

"Just stop, okay? Just stop. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Maya, I'm sorry you think I'm being selfish. Or childish, or naïve, whatever it is that you think about me right now, but every person is different and handles things differently. I'm not sure I'm ready to…ready to…" What the hell was the matter with me? "Ready to stop hating him. Ready to stop hating myself."

I took a courageous breath and turned to look at her. She was staring patiently at me, not smiling, not frowning, just being there, just like she said she would be. She'd been here herself, done this, walked people through this. I gently knocked my fist on the wheel a few times.

I would not do this to her right now. And more importantly, I was not going to do this to myself again.

I was done running.

I looked behind me and pulled off the highway into a gas station. Under the awning, I put the car in park and sighed, leaving the Jeep running as I leaned my head back on the seat. "Damn it," I growled, "why does this have to be so hard?"

She leaned over and put her hand on my cheek, pulling my face to look at her as she leaned over. The black hair fell across her shoulder, and she looked like my own personal raven-haired angel right then.

"Milo, I wish I could tell you that it wasn't and that it was all going to be okay. That you'd never want to get buzzed or drink again, that you'd never want to run, scream, or… But that's just not true. It's painful and it's our burden to bear, but we don't have to do it alone."

I looked at her. Just looked at her. She was still there, and I couldn't believe it. Why? After all the awful, stupid things I said. Why would she even want to be there?

I met her in the middle of the console and took her face in my hands, pressing my forehead to hers. She closed her eyes and I got so much happiness that she could still feel safe with me after the ass I was. "Maya," I whispered and kissed her lips once, "I'm so sorry."

"Aren't we all," she whispered back.

"No, Maya," I started, but she stopped me, putting her thumb over my lips. Both of our hands were on each other's faces, our breaths collided between us.

"Everyone, but especially people like us, just want to be forgiven. We want to be welcomed back in with wide open arms and told that people make mistakes." I caught a tear that raced down her cheek with my finger. "I'll always be here, baby, with arms wide open."

Baby. She called me baby. "That goes double for you," I said, my voice gruff. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry for talking to you that way."

"It's forgotten," she promised.

I had to tell her. I just had to. I hurt with whiplash from the way this whole conversation was going from one end to the other, but I had to say it. "Maya, remember when I said I'll catch you if you fall?"
She sucked in a breath so hard that I felt the cool of it against my lips. "Yes."

"Well, I hope you'll do the same for me." Her breaths were rapid against my chin. "Because even though we just had that stupid fight and this may be the most idiotic time to say it, I'm falling so hard for you."

She pulled back to see my face full on. I kept going. "You bring me back from the ledge. You make me feel like I'm not just…existing." She gasped and covered her mouth with her fingers. I didn't know what that meant, but I kept going. "You give me a reason to see a future for myself. I never saw anything there except a blank space. I don't know if it was blank because I was scared or I was just vacant, but…you make me feel alive."

She let her hands fall from her mouth and stared at me. I couldn't go any further. If she was disgusted, then I had to stop. I scoffed and shook my head. Gah, I was such an idiot. Of course she was disgusted. I had just been yelling at her not five minutes ago and now I was spouting my love for her? She was probably looking for the nearest exit.

Her hand on my face brought me back to her. "I'm sorry," I said immediately. "I shouldn't have."

"Shouldn't have what?" she asked. She laughed and I was more confused than before. "Wow, Milo. You're really working yourself into frenzy, huh?"

"Uh…What?"

"You are the most cocky…self-conscious boy I've ever met."

"Is there such a thing?"

"Yes. I'm looking at him."

"I don't know what that means."

"It means that you are comfortable enough to come out of the shower with nothing on but a towel, then ask me to come meet your family which you haven’t seen in years, yell at me with no mercy, then tell me you almost love me, and then backtrack with an apology, assuming that
I will assume
that you're crazy or something, like I'm not just as crazy about you as you are about me."

All the air left my brain. "Maya," I whispered.

She leaned in and pressed her lips against mine. "Milo."

This time when I took her face in between my hands, I kept them there for a good long while. This wasn't a make out session; this was a love on session. This kissing was deep and slow and all consuming breaths and hands and fingers and tongues, moans, groans, aches, and so achingly slow.

I know, I know. There was a baby coming, but that baby was coming either way. And either way, I was going to meet him, and either way, I was going to reconcile with my brother.

Right then, I had to do this.

I had to love on Maya the only way I could and thank her for bringing me back to life.

I did let her drive the rest of the way and I was glad because by the time we reached the hospital, I was a wreck. She gripped my hand so tight as we went inside. I felt like such a little pansy for being so scared. I mean, this was Mason. My brother, Mason. I didn't even know how I was going to feel about him yet. What if I saw him and still hated him? What if I saw him and wanted to do nothing but run the other way?

I hated this so much.

Maya asked the lady at the desk for Emma's room number, but she didn't need to. Mason stood at the end of the hall, pacing. He looked up and saw me, almost as if he could sense me in that moment. The second his eyes locked on mine, I knew I was going to be okay—everything was.

Maya rubbed my arm soothingly, noticing the way I'd stiffened.

All I wanted to do was hug him and tell him how sorry I was, how I was such an idiot, how I was sorry for leaving Mom like that. Before I knew it, my feet were moving. He seemed surprised, even more so than I did.

When I reached him, I bear-hugged him and felt his arms wrap around me. I felt years of hate crumble around me—an avalanche of pain and hatefulness and stupidity and doubt. It was awful and wonderful. It was beautiful and painful. I hated it and loved it. I felt Mason shaking and realized he was crying.

That added more guilt for all the pain I'd caused him. I could hold it in no more. I put my mouth to his ear and told him quietly. "Mason…you have no idea how sorry I am. Forgive me for…" I couldn't finish. I was going to lose it.

"Don't," he said, his voice gruff. He pulled back and looked at me. "Don't. You don't have to say anything. I'm just happy to have you back. That's all I ever wanted. You look so good." He laughed and wiped at his eye embarrassingly. "Emma told me you looked really good, but I didn't believe her."

"Yeah," I said. What else could you say? "Uh, Mason. This," I gripped Maya's hand and pulled her to my side gently, "is Maya."

"Hi, Maya," he said happily and shook her hand. "Really good to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

"So, where's Emma?" I asked, wondering why he was standing in the hall.

"You just caught me coming out to give her parents a second to go in. They only let a couple people in at a time so. It's almost time." He sat hard in the chair and gulped, but looked deliriously happy. "I'm about to be a father."

Maya

"Where's Mamma?" Milo asked.