Wide Open (14 page)

I turned to go and heard her sob, but I didn't stop. She needed to do this. It hurt to hear that and not snatch her up and hold her, but I knew if I didn't leave now, I really would lose her forever.

She needed the chase. She needed me to show her that I wasn't going to leave her for good, that I wanted to save her, and I wasn't afraid of the demons that followed a person. I had my own.

Just as I was about to pull into my driveway, I got a call. It was pretty late, so I answered cautiously. The preacher said the boiler had stopped working at the shelter and wanted to see if my mechanical hands could try to fix it.

I headed to the church feeling pretty crappy about the night. It certainly hadn't gone as I planned, and even though I knew the journey wasn't over, I felt like we were walking on a frozen pond and spring was coming.

I would tiptoe all the way to her if that's what it took.

I would chase her
as far as it took.

Maya

I sobbed hard on the kitchen floor, his box of cookies in my lap. I sobbed so hard that my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer.

I never wanted anyone before, never wanted the hassle of having another person try to pry his way into a heart that was broken long ago.

I thought I was a lost cause, an empty shell, a vacant body wandering around, waiting for the next person to be taken from me. When he showed up, he made me
want
to be pried open like a fortune cookie.

And at the first sign of him trying to dig a little deeper, I sent him away and basically told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.

I shook my head. I was such a coward. And Will. He knows me. He's called my cowardice 'the vault' since I got back from rehab. I don’t like to talk about things. I don't want to rehash. I just want to forget.

I wiped a tear angrily. I was going to have no one in my life if I kept doing this. It hurt so bad in my chest, to talk about the way I used to be. About the way Mom's death made me a weak, pathetic version of myself that I despised. It wasn't her fault, and she would be ashamed to see how I handled it.

No more.

I stood and wiped my nose and eyes before making my way to Will's room. I knocked and he answered immediately. I went and sat on his bed edge gently. He stared. He was a lot like Milo in that way; he waited for me to be ready and didn't push. I crawled up the covers and laid my head on his shoulder. I took his fingers in mine, trying not to feel how cold they were, trying to push away what the doctor said last week, and let it all spill out.

All of it. I'd never told him that piece of me before, and if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be Will.

I told him how little I valued myself or my body. How I did anything anyone wanted if they'd let me stay there and give me something, anything to make me numb. How I only passed my classes at school because I paid for the test answers. About how even though I was better, I thought about how much I wanted to get high every single day. I told him how I didn't know what I was going to do when he was gone. How he was everything, and I had told Milo he was sick, but not how sick, because it was my job, my burden. Will was mine and I didn't want to share his last days with anyone else. I didn't want their sympathy or pity. I just wanted to get through each day, because that in itself was hard enough.

He squeezed my hand the best he could and listened, not saying a word. I sat there forever it seemed and told him all there was to tell. At some point, I fell asleep and woke right where I'd fallen asleep. His color looked better today. I eased off the bed and ran to grab a shower.

I had somewhere I had to go before work.

But when I drove by his apartment, his Jeep wasn't there. His Jeep wasn't at the mechanic's shop either.

I felt doubly awful. I still had a half hour before I had to be at work, so I figured I'd go get some muffins and coffee for everybody. As I drove through town, I did see his Jeep at the church in town, the one with the shelter we worked with a lot. They helped people and sent some of them our way.

My breath caught. I hoped yesterday didn't make Milo do something…but then I realized how arrogant that statement was and rolled my eyes at myself. I pulled in and wondered if it was too stalkery to go and see him in there.

Should I wait it out and talk to him after work and hope everything was okay. Joey, the preacher's daughter, pulled up beside me, her music blaring, her blond hair blowing in the wind. She hopped out, her jaw dropping at the sight of Milo's Jeep. She turned positively giddy as she bounced her way inside.

It was then that I had my first taste of jealousy. It sucked majorly. He had never mentioned her before, but if this was where he got help from, he knew her, probably very well.

Then there they were—she was hanging on his arm and he was smiling as they climbed into his Jeep. I stared, my heart hurting so badly. Then I remembered what Milo had said about assuming. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He wouldn't do that to me or to her. He wasn't
that
guy
. They were probably just good friends and he hadn't mentioned her yet. I opened my eyes, begging them not to betray me, and looked over to see her scruffing his hair.

He laughed and pushed her hand off, but then he saw me. His whole face changed from one of carefree happiness to one of fallen upset. I felt that like a bullet through my chest. She made him laugh and smile. All I had done was make him work for my attention. Made him
chase me
. What guy wants to work that hard for a girl? Especially a good looking guy who could have a lot of other girls.

I saw him move to get out, but she stopped him, putting her hand on his arm. He looked at her and back to me. That was it for me. I put the car in reverse, looking at him the entire time, and backed out. He shook off her arm and got out, holding his arms out in a
Don't do this
motion.

Joey basically glared at the whole scene, not understanding anything, which made it clear that she had no idea who I was either. I didn't peel away in anger; I pressed the gas slowly, and honestly in my heart and soul just wanted him to be happy and find some peace. If it was with her, then so be it.

She was a beach and I was a storm. It was a no-brainer who the choice would be.

All that morning, I secretly hoped Milo would come and set me straight. I took extra calls and didn't take a break because I needed to keep my head busy. Listening to the caller's problems and telling them what steps to take was easier than dealing with my own.

When lunch rolled around and he still hadn't come, I waved off everyone who invited me to go eat with them. I wasn't hungry. It appeared sulking was on the menu.

I sat on the front steps, closing my eyes, getting some air, and trying to pretend I wasn't falling apart. Though, one good thing did come of this. Will told me last night after I spilled my guts all over the place that me to trusting him was all he ever wanted. I hadn't realized that he thought that me not telling him things translated to me not trusting him. That wasn't it at all.

I just didn't want him to know all the ways I was capable of being so weak. I didn't want him to worry about me when he was gone. I wanted him to know I was going to be fine.

I didn't have much faith in him, it turned out. He said that by knowing I'd gone through all that and still came back, fought it with everything in me, that he knew without a shadow of doubt I was going to be okay.

But I didn't. I doubted it every day.

I opened my eyes to find Milo knelt down in front of me. I hadn't heard him come up and had no idea how long he'd been there. "Milo," I said, my voice shaking.

"You know, I kinda like that name when
you
say it."

"I wasn't spying," I insisted. "I was just driving by. I went by your place and your work, and you weren't there. I wanted to come and tell you I was sorry."

"Joey's just a friend," he said and lifted his hand to rub my cheek. "There's absolutely nothing going on. She was my sponsor or…whatever. She's the one who helped me stay clean. I lived at the shelter for a while, and she and her father helped me find a place to live and a job. I wasn't hiding her from you. We just hadn't gotten that far yet."

I barely contained my gasp. He supplied more information in that one plea than he had the entire time I'd known him.

"It's not uncommon to develop feelings for your sponsor. It's why it's recommended that sponsors be the same sex. It's called 'hero worship' or something."

He chuckled a little, clearly annoyed. "You think I have hero worship for Joey?"

"I don't know." His shoes were suddenly very fascinating to me. "You were laughing and smiling with her." I sighed forcefully. "Look, I'm not being jealous." One of his brows rose. "Maybe a little, but I'm talking big picture. I'll just bring you down. It won't be easy with me like it could be with her or someone else." I looked him right in the eye. "Someone not an addict. Someone who hasn't lost almost everything. Someone who can tell you about her past without wanting to scream." I swallowed painfully. "When you said you were going to chase me, you didn't realize what a chore that would be." I smiled sadly. "Someone like you…I know you've been through a lot, too. And I hoped one day you'd tell me about it, but I was a hypocrite because I never wanted to actually tell you about mine. Someone like you shouldn't have to work so hard for something that should be so simple. Love should be simple." It hurt to say those words.

I couldn't even be embarrassed that I'd said "love" to him. I was in too deep.

I felt his hands on my cheeks, forcing me to keep my gaze on him. "Love isn't simple, Maya."

"But shouldn't it be? Shouldn't it be easy?" My voice cracked and I knew I was barely hanging on.

"You don't appreciate the things that come easy. The things we fight for are the things that we keep with us for forever."

I thought about how my dad fought for me. How he bailed me out of jail so many times and kept believing I would come back to him one day.

I felt him wipe a tear with his thumb. "Whatever it is that you're thinking about right now, that—that will be with you forever."

If he was asking me if I thought what was between us was worth fighting for, then yes, I believed that. I just wanted to believe I was worth it.

I nodded, finally, so he'd know I was listening.

"I was late to work yesterday, so I couldn't be late today, too. Otherwise, I would have come after you sooner. And this wasn't something I was about to try to do over the phone."

"It's okay," I assured him and covered his hand on my cheek with mine. "I'm glad you came at all."