Wide Open (13 page)

I had always agreed with that, but this was the first time I wanted to hear something different. I wanted to hear it was amazing I got to see my mom and sometimes being stupidly brave was the only way to get over things. I didn't want the stigma of my past to cling to me forever. Eventually, I wanted to forget it all and move on.

Now I didn't know what to think. Maybe Joey was right. But for the first time since I met Joey, I wanted to keep something from her. Maya was mine and I wanted to keep her that way. I didn't want to tell her all about her. I wanted to keep to all to myself. Not because I was ashamed or didn't want her to know, but because…I just wanted something that was mine. Something that I didn't have to share or explain or analyze. I didn't know what that meant.

I woke the next morning, freezing, with a kink in my neck. I pushed off the couch, cursing myself for falling asleep, and hurried to get dressed.

I was late.

I got to work almost forty minutes after I was supposed to be there

"You're late, buster."

"I know. Sorry," I muttered and quickly got busy. "I fell asleep on my couch. Don't worry, I'm paying for it big time."

I rubbed my neck and winced. I grabbed the bottle of Tylenol from his desk and downed a few at the water fountain.

"Good," he mumbled playfully. "The public caning will be postponed then."

I shook my head and got to work to make up for the time I'd lost.

I called Maya on my lunch break. She made some joke about a three-day rule or something and said I was breaking guy code. I spent my whole break laughing at her and didn't even get to eat before it was time to go back.

She asked if I wanted to have dinner at her house again the next night. I agreed.

When I showed up, she answered the door with a hand towel thrown over her shoulder. Her smile hid nothing as she grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. She took me straight to the kitchen. I didn't see Will anywhere as we went through the house. The table was set for three though, and I could tell she went all out. It made me extra smug, if I was honest, that she would go to all the trouble for me.

She hadn't seen the box in my hand so as she peeked over a tall pot and stirred, I went up behind her, put my chin on her shoulder, my arm around her waist, and brought the plain white box around in front of her. She turned her head and her nose touched mine. She didn't lean away. I could feel her heartbeat pick up as it pulsed through her body, along with her breaths.

"You got me fortune cookies."

I nodded, my nose rubbing the end of hers. Her eyes fluttered, and the ecstasy of that look would haunt and be the star of my dreams for the rest of my life. "Mmhmm."

She took the box.

"Open one," I commanded.

She opened the wrapping and broke a cookie in half, my face waiting right there over her shoulder. She licked the crumbs off her thumb and held the paper between her fingers. "The love you fight for is the love that can mend bridges, heal scars, and open closed hearts."

She made a small gasp and looked over her shoulder at me again. We waited. It was like a dance and we weren't sure who was supposed to take the lead. I didn't want to move too fast with her, but she did kiss me first at that meeting. We both held back this part of us that no one was allowed to touch. But if I didn't kiss her right now, I was going to bust wide open.

I eased into her space and smiled to myself when her eyes closed. She
had
been waiting on me. When my lips touched hers, she relaxed her entire body, leaning on me and turning toward me. She blindly set the cookies on the counter and I wrapped my arms around her. My palm found the small of her back and she gasped just a little when I used that spot to pull her all the way to me.

She fisted the front of my shirt and dragged me with her as she leaned against the counter, never breaking our kiss. I lifted her easily to sit on the counter, and only barely moved between her knees. I needed to leave some space between us. I wanted her to feel safe with me, in every way. As much as I wanted her, as much as she set me on fire, more than anything else, I wanted her to open up her soul and let me into that part of her she didn't let anyone see.

Her hand pushed through my hair and tugged. I almost lost it. I groaned into her mouth before pulling away. She looked so stunned, her mouth and eyes wide—I cursed myself for going too far. "I'm sorry," I said gruffly.

"Why?" she said, her face looking truly puzzled.

"I don't know how to act with you, Maya." I sighed. "I can't feel out the line I'm not supposed to cross."

She smiled, bemused. "Okay. Here's the line," her hand held at her head, "and here you are now," she finished, her hand at her waist. "I'm perfectly capable of saying 'no' or 'slow down' if I think we're going too far or too fast."

"I just…don't want to scare you."

How the hell did I tell the girl I wanted to be with more than anything else that I'd only ever slept with girls who used me for that purpose or drugs and I had no clue of how regular girls handled their sexual situations?

"You're not scaring me. You couldn't scare me." She pressed her lips together, uncomfortable. She closed her eyes, her throat worked through a gulp. "I'm not a virgin. Far from it." I didn't know why that surprised me, but it did. "I spent a long time being a girl that would do…" She looked at my shirt, her lip quivering.

I lifted her chin. I needed to hear this. "Tell me." She stared into my eyes and I knew. I was knocking on the door of the things that were closed, the things she didn't want me to see. "Please, let me in," I whispered against her cheek.

She steeled herself and sat up, speaking softly but firmly. "Okay, the line is here and you're here now, all right? Let's just cool it."

Her hands were on the same level. So the sex stuff she was fine with, it was just talking about it that wasn't what she wanted. I leaned back, letting her hop down.

"Whatever you need."

"I need to eat," she said, a fake smile on as she continued cheerfully and went to turn off the stove. "I'm starving and I made all this food. Let's eat. Will!"

Will came in, ashen and pale. "Dude, you all right? You look like death warmed over."

He stopped. Maya dropped a plate full of food. He looked at her and her wide eyes told me there was something I didn't know. "What?"

"You didn't tell him?" he asked. He looked hurt more than anything. "Why, Maya? Didn't think he'd come over if he knew?"

She shook her head angrily. "Because I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to talk about it," he spouted, glaring at her as he sat at the end of the table. "You need to freaking open the vault."

"Shut up, Will," she said back and looked at me in apology. "Sorry. Brothers and sisters fight, right?"

"Right," I heard myself mutter. This was way more than that. They knew that I knew it, but no one was handing over details.

I bent down and helped her pick up the sliced squash that had fallen. I stared at her face as she picked up the pieces, slamming them into the bowl with every toss so hard that half of them ricocheted back out. I gripped her hand. She looked at me with an
I dare you
look. She wanted me to ask, to get in their business when it was obvious she didn't want me to know whatever it was. I wasn't going to do it though, no matter how badly I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

"I got it, sweetheart," was all I said and picked up the squash one piece at a time, so she'd have enough time to straighten her glare and realize I was here to stay. She thought I was going to bolt, but I wasn't.

I shook my head at myself for being such a hypocrite. I had things I never wanted her to know about. How many times had I thought that if she knew the kind of person I was before, she would run for the nearest hill to get away.

We sat and had one of the most awkward dinners I've ever participated in. The honey glaze chicken she baked was amazing. There was also wheat and oat rolls and sweet corn on the cob so tender.

Neither of them seemed to be enjoying it. I sucked down the last of my sweet tea and she got up to get the pitcher.

"I could have gotten it, but thanks."

"Welcome," she muttered sadly. I didn't get it. She was the one who got angry, and now, it seemed as if she was pouting.

Women.

"Hey, Will, did you see on the news that the Broncos might be firing their general manager?"

He looked up, barely having touched his food, and smiled to show his gratitude for my attempt to make table conversation. "They won't. It's all bull."

"You sure? They sound peeved."

Maya took my plate before I could say anything and went to the sink with them. She scraped them and filled the sink with water. I looked and saw no dishwasher. I heard a cleared throat and saw Will giving me a look. He ticked his head toward his sister and mouthed, 'Go on.'

I smiled, caught. 'Thanks,' I mouthed back.

"Thanks for dinner, creep!" he called before shuffling out of the room to somewhere into the dark hallway.

I heard his door close. She didn't turn, just kept washing. I grabbed the dishtowel and scooted beside her, taking the plate from her when she would have put it in the sink. She watched my hands as I rinsed the plate. She did that for a few heavy seconds before beginning her washing again.

It took us all of ten minutes to do them all. I dried my last plate and stuck it in the cupboard before laying the towel across the sink edge. Her eyes, so full of sadness and responsibility that didn't belong there, searched me. I let her, not saying a word until her eyes met mine.

She licked her lips. "You're still here."

"Yep."

"You don't want to run screaming from the basket case?"

"I don't see a basket case." I inched toward her, back to not knowing my place or boundaries. "I see a girl who has a lot of things to take care of. A girl with a lot on her mind. A girl who's struggling to see how this strange guy fits in her life."

"You would fit," she corrected and made a fist with her fingers. "I just don't know how to…" Her lip quivered, and I knew my heart was about to take a hit. "I don't how to let you in and keep you out at the same time."

Breathe, man. "Why do you have to keep me out?"

Her face was tight, like the cry-face was about to make an appearance. "Because you can't come in. I don't want you there." She sniffed. "There are certain things in my life I don't want you to know, that I don't want you to ask about."

I took a deep breath. It seemed as if my body had forgotten how. She was cutting us off before we could even get started. "You don't have to do this, Maya. We can take things slow. Really slow."

"A snail would be too fast, Milo."

"I won't ever ask about that part of you. If you want to talk about it, okay, but I won't push you. I told you that. You said where the line was, and I stopped. I'll always stop."

"I can't. I have so much going on right now. I can barely think straight with what's already on my plate."

She turned, but not before I saw her face crumple. Her shoulders shook once. "Just go, okay? I'll talk to you later."

I couldn't stop myself. I knew she was sending me away because she was scared. She wouldn’t be so upset if she didn't want me to stay. I put my hands on her arms and pressed my lips to the back of her neck. She sighed, but that was it. She didn't cave, and I knew I'd lost her. At least for the night. "I wish you could find me in the depths and pull me out, but you can't," she whispered. "I'm too far away."

When she said for me to chase her, she meant it. I could see it now. She knew this day would come. The day when the wrong question was asked and she'd shut down, unable to do anything but. But I knew it in my gut that she wanted me to chase her to the depths and pull her free.

"I'm gonna go, but not forever." I kissed the cool skin on the back of her neck. "I told you I'd chase you, and I intend to." She tensed and shuddered. "Bye, sweetheart. For now."