Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (9 page)

Now we come to the ultimate roach:

Goat Roaches.
These are the most trifling men on the planet, and unfortunately, there is no shortage of them. You will have to use your own judgment as to which category your man falls into. But if he’s
married
and you introduce him to people as your man, he’s probably a bona fide “goat roach.” If you have an anniversary in the same year as his wedding anniversary, he’s a goat roach. If your child has a sibling who is the same age but is not a twin, your man is a goat roach. There aren’t any levels to goat roaches. This is the worst of the worst. Most of the men in this category need to file for divorce. The other half needs to go get in their cars and drive full speed off a cliff without a seat belt on (I’m just serious).

A guy I know, named J, is a real goat roach. J was my mentor in real estate. When we met, he had been married for six years. We talked on the phone and in person a lot, some of our conversations got personal. J told me that something happened to his wife when she was a child and as a result, she didn’t like to have sex. He also told me that he cheated on his wife with other women, and often had sex without a condom. Three years later, J had two children by two different women. One of the two children lives with him and his wife. She is raising the child along with her own children by J. One day I asked her how she did it; how could she raise another woman’s baby under the circumstance? She smiled and said, “It’s hard trying to raise four kids.” All I could say was “good luck.”

In truth, when dealing with “goat roaches” you are never safe. Even when he is home, his mind and thoughts are with the woman who made him laugh and smile, the one he just had sex with, or the one with the big ass he just met at the mall. When it comes to men, we have to use all of our senses to make sure we are doing the right thing for ourselves and for our families.

If it looks like a roach, walks like a roach, and hides when the lights come on (or when you call his phone at the wrong time), it’s a roach. Don’t try to make it a ladybug, it’s a roach. Roaches do not morph.

Part
Two

Getting What You
Need from the Man
You Are With

Chapter 6
Setting Standards
with a Capital “S”

Shanae

T
his is the most important chapter that you will ever read in any relationship book. So get comfortable and pay very close attention.

One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that every successful business or idea that was manifested into something great, started off as a well thought out plan. When successful people want to accomplish something, they sit down and draw up a plan to accomplish their goals.

Did you know the gambling industry is the result of a well thought out plan? Have you ever gone to a casino and looked at the great pools, restaurants, nightclubs, spa facilities, the bright colors, the wide array of slot machines, and the card game tables? Do you know why the owners invest so much money into making casinos look grand? They do it to pull you in and entice you to play their game. They do it to get you caught up in the moment.

Casino owners look at the odds of each game that they plan to bring into the casino. They first weigh the cons and then determine the potential gain of every game they consider having on the casino floor. Next, the CEOs and gaming commissioners all get together and talk about how hard it would be to cheat at this game and what precautions need to be in place to limit the likelihood of an individual successfully cheating, or potentially ruining the integrity of the game itself. Needless to say, it can take several years after a game is introduced to a casino before it makes it to the casino floor. The reason for all of this is because the casino doesn’t play to lose—they play to WIN! There is not a game in the casino that is being played that doesn’t have a house advantage. Believe that. The house odds fluctuate depending on the type of game you are playing, but nonetheless they are all set up to draw a certain type of person—the rich, blue-collar workers, white-collar workers, the unemployed, the self-employed, annual visitors, or daily regulars. After the casino owners decide they want to have a certain game on the floor, they go through a careful process to determine the best way to win.

Ladies, that’s what we want to do with this dating game. We have to reevaluate all the angles from which the game can be played . . . and PLAY TO WIN.

Identifying What You Want

Now let’s seriously transfer this casino analogy into the game of LOVE, SEX, and MONEY (aka, “The Relationship Game”). In this game, you are the casino owner, the boss. The first step before adding this new game to your gaming lineup is to decide what kind of customer you are trying to attract. Remember, this is your game and you are the head person in charge (HPIC), so you can be as honest as you want. If you want a Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington look-alike, then say that. If you want a man with more muscles than Arnold Schwarzenegger in the eighties, then write it down. You are the ruler, and whatever rules you set should be followed. The point is, don’t lower your standards for anyone during the building process. Again, this is your dream so don’t shortchange yourself.

Let’s have fun with this first step. We will call it the “my dream man” step. There should be at least three qualifying characteristics. Physical, spiritual, sexual, and financial would be good starting points. If you were going to put them on a chart, it might look something like this:

Name of Characteristics: (e.g., physical, sexual, financial)

My Perfect Man Would Be: (Ideal requirements go in the boxes)

Each stage has its own chart, so list everything that is important to you. Each section is graded on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest score. The person should have a minimum score of 80 percent before you even think about giving up the goodies. With a score of anything less, you are just wasting your time. All the items that he or she scored low on will eventually bother the hell out of you anyway. Take a moment to list your ideal person’s requirements for each section. Fill in the chart with the people that you are already seeing or dating. It will clarify for you if this person is someone that you will be happy with later on in life.

Example: Physical Chart

In comparing these two charts, Stanley is failing. We ain’t going to make it. So, save the cell phone minutes and move on. But, if you really like someone as a person, such as Stanley don’t try to force a relationship, transfer him to the just friends category.

Okay, I’m going to keep it real with you, sex weighs more than any other category (not really but you feel me). Again, if your potential man falls “short” and I’m not talking about height, this may be a nonnegotiable. He can be a lot of things, but being built like a six-year-old boy is not one; we ain’t going to make it. I don’t care how much money he has or how cute he is, the best we can ever be is friends.

After you list all of your wants and needs, you should split them into two columns and list the negotiable on one side and the nonnegotiable on the other side. Now have fun and fill in the names of guys that are on your list and see how closely they really match up to your requirements. You may be surprised how they look on paper.

Example: Moral/Spiritual

This section is really all about your personal preference. However, it is definitely important that you ask the right questions about a person’s history. For instance, if the man that you are seeing was exposed to violence as a kid; he is more likely to show abusive tendencies in your relationship. This section is really going to take a little more effort.

Identifying what you want in a man is pertinent to your success in finding a healthy relationship. When I was fifteen years old, I made a chart very similar to the one that follows. Of course at fifteen, my wish list lacked some of the more important qualities. My requirements at the time were:

Lo and behold the man of my dreams had all the qualities on my list. He was tall, handsome, an athlete, had great teeth, a beautiful smile, and he had a car. Wow! But, he was also crazy! So make sure when you’re putting your list together to add things like at peace, happy with himself, not needy or insecure, educated, and other important characteristics. You get the point. You want the Universe to put together the perfect man, leave no stone unturned. Write all of your wants down on paper and let the Universe do the rest.

Once you have been sent the man of your dreams, “The game” begins. Remember our earlier talk about how gambling CEOs and gaming commissioners get together to devise a plan that will ensure the best house advantage? Well, that’s the next step—creating a game plan to your advantage.

The Dating Game

Let’s assume he likes you and you like him. What do you do from here? You start dating. The first few dates are crucial to the direction of the relationship. It is in the beginning of the relationship that you must establish (1) your expectations, (2) what you are willing to sacrifice, and (3) what kind of time and attention you demand. Make sure your first date is somewhere that you will enjoy. If he thinks Red Lobster is the spot and you’re thinking hell no, say that, in a polite way. Let him know when you don’t like something and more important that he shouldn’t expect to sleep with you on the first date.