Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (12 page)

He came downstairs, and heard me speaking on the house phone, while I was still talking to her, and hung up the phone. I cried and cried and cried. Talk about being devastated. I loved Cory, but this day changed my life, my relationship with him, and the way that I saw him, forever. When I asked him, “Why?” he said, “It was cheaper than paying her court awarded child support.” In the end, the courts only awarded her an additional $1,000 per month. It was pennies comparatively speaking.

Why did I get married anyway? My wedding date was now only three weeks away. We had already spent thousands of dollars for the wedding, and I didn’t want to lose the money. We also had a daughter, and I didn’t want to be a single parent. I figured I would be taken care of financially, and I was already comfortable with Cory. I wish I would have had NBA player, Richard Jefferson, to counsel me nine years ago. I went down the altar and said “I do” when I didn’t.

After the reception, we came back to our apartment in Fresno. He seemed so happy, and I felt so sad, hurt, and angry. I didn’t feel anything like I thought I would feel on my wedding day. The “fairy tale” had begun and ended all at the same time. Long story short I filed for divorce in 2007. Although I regret getting married before getting help, I learned some difficult lessons, and Cory and I are remain friends and focused parents to our children.

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

Rhonda

There was a time in my life early on when being married and having a diamond ring felt right and in my mind it proved my man’s love and commitment to me. It meant everything. In looking at the state of relationships today, my own included, I now can’t help but wonder what exactly a “ring” proves, prevents, or establishes? I note that Mr. Harvey so kindly dedicated a chapter in his prior book that tells us “how to get the ring.” I admire that chapter and its intent. However, before I go into answering why I got married, I have to ask something that is bugging the hell out of me regarding the “ring.” What does it mean to get a ring? What did it prove for Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, and so many others? Does a ring guarantee a lifelong monogamous relationship? No. Does a ring ensure respect, protection from abuse, emotional and financial support, and unconditional love? No. Does it shelter one from heartbreak? No. Today, more often than not, a ring is merely a symbol of marriage devoid of meaning. Sure it can mean that in the event of his death, as his wife, you get the insurance benefits and social security payments but then that isn’t why we marry is it? There was a time when “the ring” meant you were marrying your soulmate—the man who would love, honor, cherish, and provide for you, and be faithful until death. Today, however, it seems to represent a bond between two people that only lasts until one pisses the other off one too many times, the woman becomes unattractive to the man, money gets tight, or until another woman in a short skirt with a big ass and some double D’s comes along. When that happens, he seems to forget about the ring, the commitment, the kids, and everything else the unbroken circle of gold, platinum, or silver was supposed to signify.

Unfortunately, so many wives before, during, and after this book will learn or will have learned that
the ring
simply means she possesses what is hopefully a very nice piece of jewelry on her finger. So make sure it’s a good cut, with great clarity and size, in the event he strays, falls out of love, or otherwise violates his vows. Let there be enough equity in that bad boy to sell it or pawn it so you can take yourself on a nice post-relationship vacation and fund your divorce party.

I’m not saying meaningful and lasting proposals and marriages don’t exist—I still believe there are some. What I am saying, however, is the ring, in and of itself, signifies nothing. As we have said throughout this book, you need more than a ring, you need the man’s heart. It is also important to know his relationship with God, with himself, and with his mama.

My point is, don’t fall for the illusion that getting that diamond or band means you have won the lottery and that life is set. Look at the women who have come before you, whose stories are all around you, and learn from their experiences. Enjoy your precious moments but remain aware and not caught up in the clouds.

Now back to the question, “Why did I get married?” I got married because I was in
love
with a capital “L” and I was broken with a capital “B.” Plus, I had two young, beautiful daughters who needed a stable father figure. I had never felt chemistry like I did with my (now ex) husband. It was euphoric, amazing, sexy, and it made me forget about everything that was wrong in my life. I was looking to my husband to save me from my life, from my disconnectedness, and to make me feel loved (not the best reasons).

Roderick was handsome, physically fit, and seemed kind. He was somewhat shy and quiet, but sexy. He was a gentleman. He opened doors for me and treated me like a lady. He seemed genuine. He was in the U.S. Air Force and was stable.

I was a mother of two at the time, and although he had contributed to the birth of a son, while overseas in the military, he lacked the experience of being a dad. Roderick seemed okay with the idea of a “ready made family” for a while, but the days, months, and years ahead would prove otherwise.

We both came from troubled backgrounds. He came from a family of seven sisters, a wonderful, Christian mom, and a hardworking but jealous dad who had physically abused his mother on more than one occasion. I came from a family of five siblings, three brothers and two sisters, and a dysfunctional background too lengthy and disturbing to talk about. I saw my father twice while growing up, and my mom was often emotionally unstable. She married three times, was involved in a few tumultuous relationships, and struggled to find love most of her life. This left an indelible impression on me, which ultimately affected my relationships with men. Though I don’t blame her or hold her accountable, it was the starting point, the place where I developed standards for myself and for those I chose to love.

I married and divorced Roderick twice, and we dated off and on after each divorce. I was too afraid to let him go and be alone. Our marriage contained infidelity, out-of-control rage, and periodic emotional abuse. Unfortunately, when you are broken in spirit; lack a solid foundation of family values and principles; missing a clear example of what a stable marriage should look and feel like; and are unsure how to juggle being a wife, a mother, and a career-oriented woman, you are sure to run into trouble. This is true especially when your husband is just as troubled as you are. I want you to ask yourself a few questions. What is your story? Why did you get married? When you think of your husband or the guy you are dating, how would you answer the following question, “If I were financially stable, emotionally and spiritually sound, in great physical shape, and had a great support system, would I still be with this guy?” If you can honestly say yes, then you are probably in the right situation. If, however, your answer is “Hell to-the-no!!” or a milder version of that, then perhaps you married for the wrong reasons. It’s imperative that you examine where you are, how you got there, and what you’re going to do about it.

The key is to find out why you and your husband married or why you and your significant other are thinking about marriage. If it was or is for superficial reasons like, fear, insecurity, or to be with someone until something better comes along, you may want to re-evaluate your situation. I learned this the hard way.

Chapter 8
Understanding Your
Baggage

T
he past lives in you as memories, but memories in themselves are not a problem. In fact, it is through memory that we learn from the past and from past mistakes. It is only when memories, that is to say, thoughts about the past, take you over completely that they turn into a burden, turn problematic, and become part of your sense of self. Your personality, which is conditioned by the past, then becomes your prison. Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be. (Tolle, 2008, p. 140)

The perception we have of ourselves is what has the potential to destroy our ability to enter into relationships worthy of our time and commitment. When you first read the title of this chapter, you probably thought, “Baggage?” You might have even thought, “Okay, I have a little debt, a few too many kids, and I could stand to go to the gym to shrink this pouch. Well, that’s surface level baggage. We are going to take it a little deeper and talk about the baggage we carry
within
us.

Shanae

At the end of my marriage, I knew that I had healing to do. No matter what people say, it takes two people to have a great relationship, and one person to destroy it. When people that we love do things that hurt us over and over again, it is human nature to build up some form of a defense system. Some people will become very angry with the world, some will go through life always playing the victim role. I chose to heal and live a great life, but I knew that I needed to acknowledge that I was wounded and only time and God would allow me to heal properly.

Shortly after Cory and I separated, I recognized that I carried a lot of baggage and pain as residue from our marriage. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was “little me” who had been picked on, mistreated, and who had an extraordinary hill to climb if I ever wanted to be in a healthy trusting relationship again. There are so many stories that come to mind that I could share with you as an example of things that men do that hurt us and leave permanent scars, but one particular incident, that happened to me really sticks out.

It was a Wednesday night in March, my husband was in Florida, training for his seventh season in the NFL. The kids and I were still in Georgia continuing our daily routine of school, work, and sports. This particular night I had tucked the kids in bed early so I decided to surf the Web for a few minutes before I went to bed. The computer was already logged into Cory’s AOL account so I decided to use it as my browser. As I was surfing the net, I noticed an unfamiliar name in the Buddies Box. I clicked on the name and started an IM (instant messaging) chat. I typed “hi,” and waited for a response. “Your wife must be upstairs, asleep. You already told me good night. What are you still doing up?” was the response I received back. I continued to talk to her as if I were Cory. She proceeded to tell me (Cory) she loved me, she would take care of me, and that she didn’t understand why I kept trying to make it work with my wife. For twenty-five minutes she told me about “our” relationship (my marriage). Then she asked me (Cory), how I felt about her. I told her I had to go. She was pissed. She said I made her expose herself and then didn’t answer the question. So, of course, she’s calling him at the same time I’m calling him. She kept instant messaging me (Cory), telling me to answer the phone.

When he became aware of the situation, Cory caught the next flight home. After I heard his lame-ass story, I sat on the bedroom floor with my laptop and pulled up his phone bill online with him in the room, and pointed out all of their phone calls. Some of which were as long as five hours in one day. Most of them were forty-five minutes, a couple of times a day. Quick tempered, Cory jumped up out of his chair, smashed the laptop with his foot, and threw me around the house for an hour. He said I should have just stopped while I was ahead.

When he got tired, he said he was going back to Florida and left. I called the police and they immediately issued a warrant for his arrest. He turned himself in, and guess who bailed him out? You guessed it; I did. I bailed out the man who had just assaulted me. After he was released, Cory stayed at a friend’s house for a few days and then came home. About a week later, we got into another big argument. This time, I told him to pack his shit and leave. He said he wasn’t going anywhere. Needing to prove to him that I had the upper hand, I went down to the courthouse, filed a restraining order, and came back to the house with seven police officers. They gave him ten minutes to get as much as he could and leave the house. They also made him leave his opener to the entry gate, his garage door opener, and all the keys to the house. Looking back, I could have handled things differently. I could have left. I should have sought help. I am not saying he was right, I am just saying that I added fuel to the fire every chance I got. I wanted Cory to understand that I was going to pay him back for every time he hurt me, every time he lied to me, and every time he made me cry. My ego was in full gear, and I sought revenge. The last two years of our marriage were not sexy. I suffered and my children suffered unnecessarily.

Then one day I realized I was tired of fighting. I realized my ego was not as big as his desire to win, even if it meant losing in the end.

Eckhart Tolle says it so eloquently in
A New Earth
:

Very unconscious people experience their own ego through its reflection in others. When you realize that what you react to in others is also in you (and sometimes only in you), you begin to become aware of your own ego. At that stage, you may also realize that you were doing to others what you thought others were doing to you. You cease seeing yourself as the victim . . . You are not the ego, so when you become aware of the ego in you, it does not mean you know who you are—it means you know who you are not. But it is through knowing who you are not that the greatest obstacle to truly knowing yourself is removed (p. 189).

It is our job as women to find out what internal baggage we carry. This is important because it is virtually impossible to have a healthy relationship when we are unconsciously seeking drama and chaos. My life has gone from fighting, crying, and arguing every day to peace, quiet, and days full of joy and laughter. I had to re-evaluate myself to find my true sense of tranquility. Obviously, I had to undergo a lot of spiritual uplifting to get to the mental space I’m in now, but there is no other place I would rather be. My entire soul and spirit are now at peace. Sometimes just saying, “I’m tired and I deserve better,” is half the battle. Getting on the right path and finding your way is the other half.