Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (11 page)

Rhonda

If a man can’t love his mama, can’t forgive his mama, doesn’t talk to or see his mama, run! Even if she wasn’t the best mom and even if she wasn’t there as often as he thinks she should have been, that man must be able to talk about those things and tell you the story. You have to be able to see that he has mended those wounds or is actively working through how he feels about his mom and that he can work through the remnants of his past, perhaps with you. The dynamics of the mother-son relationship is key to the success of your relationship.

9) How long was your longest relationship?

Shanae

This section only applies to people over twenty-five. This question helps to identify a man’s level of commitment. If he says, “I was with my last girl for ten years,” and he didn’t marry her, it’s because she wasn’t the one but he found it easier to settle for someone that he didn’t want rather than to leave her alone so that she can find someone who did want to marry her and continue his journey solo. In short, this man may be selfish. If he says, “I was married to my ex-wife for
x
number of years,” ask how long it took before he married her. If he provides an answer that is less than six months that tells you he is impatient (or fell madly in love). If he says two to three years, he’s practical. Two to three years is the average amount of time for a couple to date before getting married. If he says four to seven years, that means he’s very cautious and doesn’t trust easily (or wasn’t ready to give up the players card just yet). Trying to make him bond with you before he is ready, is going to be time consuming, energy draining, and the relationship is probably going to fall apart anyway. If he says, “I have never been in a real relationship,” find out why you may be the one to change that.

Rhonda

Great response Shanae!! That pretty much sums it up on this one.

10) How do you feel about sex, love, and monogamy?

Rhonda

This is probably the most important question to ask a man. We can all assume how a man feels about sex. But asking him what he feels about sex provides him the opportunity to talk sex while looking you in your eyes, fully dressed. Asking such questions will help you to determine if he places any value on sex, if he practices safe sex, and if he is selective in his choice of women. If he says “sex is just sex,” or “I just get it in where I can,” then you already know what to do. If he is in love with you or has some sort of emotional connection to you, he may see sex in a different light. Once sexual intercourse takes place, the relationship will either deepen or fall apart. Every woman reading this knows what I am talking about, but how many of us have sat in front of the man we are dating and asked him this question? I didn’t ask this question the first twenty years of my life, but today I most certainly do.

When it comes to love, ask him when was the last time he was “in love” and how did he know? Ask him what love means to him and what does it feel like when he’s in love. Ask him what’s different about being in love and just dating a girl he likes. Listen to what he says, and watch his body language. Look into his eyes and search for honesty and truth. By asking this question, you are hoping to find out if he has been in love or not, what made him fall in love (other than the obvious chemistry and things in common), and what was it about the previous woman he loved so much. This also allows you to identify whether he’s capable of having strong feelings for a woman or not.

Monogamy. For those of you (us) who want or expect a monogamous relationship, this is an important question to ask. This is also the time for you to discuss your expectations with him. Let him know if you expect to have a monogamous relationship or if an “open” relationship is acceptable.

11) If you were a box of cereal, which one would you
be and why?

Shanae

This is a fun question to ask because it tells you how men perceive themselves. I will never forget when I was first asked that question. I was eighteen years old and interviewing for a job, my future boss asked me this question. I said, “Captain Crunch, I am sweet like the sugar coating, a leader like a captain, and crunchy,” and we both fell out laughing. I couldn’t think of anything else. On my way home, I was so disappointed that I couldn’t think of a better cereal. Plus, Captain Crunch scrapes the roof of your mouth. However, I did get the job. During our first training session, he explained why he had asked that question, and said the best answer he ever received was Grape Nuts. The person who gave the Grape Nuts answer said he chose that cereal because it’s strong and consistent, even in milk. I learned that the type of cereal is not important. It’s why a person picks a certain cereal that’s important. If the man you are thinking about dating says, Fruity Pebbles, regard his answer as a HUGE RED FLAG and run for the hills.

12) How do you feel about Internet Dating?

Rhonda

Let’s face it, Internet dating is here to stay;
match.com
,
blackpeoplemeet.com
,
plentyoffish.com
, and a host of other dating sites provide easy avenues for people to find friends, love, and sex. If you find your mate on one of these sites, be sure to follow up when you start dating to make sure he or she has abandoned the old user ID and is only dating you. Also, if you are married, living with someone, or otherwise in a committed relationship, it behooves you to periodically check the computer to see what could be happening right there in front of your eyes. To further illustrate this point, I was recently in the hair salon, and began a conversation with a lady in her mid-forties who said she had recently gotten married (within the last two years). She said this was her first marriage and the guy was a few years younger than her. We were all excited for her. Salivating at the details. Then she told us her newlywed saga. She said that her new husband had established a Facebook account and was representing himself as a single man. There were no pictures of her or his family posted on his page and his social status was, “single, interested in women.” She also learned that he was on a popular dating site. When she confronted her husband, he said he was just trying to meet new friends. While he was at work and home alone, he said he sometimes got a “little bored and needed to be entertained.” WTF? He also decided he no longer needed to wear his wedding ring and began going out solo and staying out late. She eventually found the text messages and e-mails that confirmed her worst fears. She was hurt and angry. She said she waited her whole life to get married and never imagined that while she was away at work, her husband was searching cyberspace for women.

There are women on these sites who are legitimately looking for a man, others who post partially naked photographs of themselves are obviously looking for something else. To the men who see these photos, they convey quick access to conversation and ass. This is a part of dating in the Information Age. Keep your husbands close and the computers closer.

Chapter 7
Why Did I Get Married?

Shanae

E
very engaged, married, and divorced woman must honestly ask herself, “Why do I want to marry this person?” or “Why did I get married?”

Before I answered this question, I needed to talk to some guys and hear their answers. I didn’t understand why so many married men I knew cheated, so I decided to interview them and hear their story. One day, a friend of mine and I were talking, and I asked him why he got married. He said, “She was the best pick for the long haul. She’s a great mother, she’s sexy, she doesn’t curse, eat meat, drink alcohol, or go clubbing. She’s a perfect wife.” I said, “But you cheat, drink, and smoke. How does that work?” “I know,” he said. “She doesn’t enjoy the same things that I do, so I find women who I am more compatible with to do the things she doesn’t do.” WTF?

I have another married male friend who swears he is single. I asked him how he managed to have several serious relationships, over the past ten years, while still married. He said, “Well, I just realized I was unhappy.” So I asked him, “Why did you marry your wife?” He said he married her because they had the same financial vision, and she was very smart. WTF? The last time I checked, that was not a reason to get married.

Another male friend of mine, named Ray, dated one of my girlfriends. Ray was also married. When I asked Ray why he cheated on his wife, he said, “Because my wife, on her best day, is a seven (on a scale of one to ten). On a regular day, she’s a five or six, and I simply enjoy being with beautiful women.” He also said, “I don’t have any plans to leave her. She’s a great wife, but I don’t have any plans to be faithful either.” That’s some cold stuff right there. Go ahead and say it—WTF?

I can honestly say that I got married for love, maybe at the wrong time, but unequivocally for love. My husband-to-be and I met when I was fourteen. I knew we were going to get married someday. He was everything I wished for in my dreams: extremely gorgeous, nice teeth and a great smile, beautiful, milk chocolate skin, tall, and athletic. We started dating, and I loved everything about him—his broken fingers, his scars, his breath (good or bad). I loved it all. We dated for about a year and then broke up my sophomore year of high school. Cory was a senior.

Shortly after our breakup, he got into a fight at school and had to finish his last year at a different high school. We were apart for a year or so, and during that short period of time Cory got another girl pregnant. It hurt like hell. All of my thoughts were now about Cory, the other girl, and now a baby. When I asked about the baby, Cory lied and said it wasn’t his baby. The following year we started dating again. I was a junior in high school, and Cory was a freshman in college.

About six months into our relationship, he called me and said the baby was his. The blood test was positive. Although my first instinct was to break up with him, he somehow convinced me to stay. This would be the beginning of many years of lies and tears.

One Friday afternoon, in 1997, I drove to Fresno to visit Cory at college. He and his roommate Chuck had to go somewhere, and I stayed behind at their house. I was watching television in the living room when the phone rang in Chuck’s room. After so many rings, the answering machine picked up and the voice on the other end said, “Hey, Cory, this is Ruth. Give me a call, but before the female caller could hang up the phone, I rushed into Chuck’s room, and picked up the phone, “Hi, this is Shanae. How do you know Cory?” I asked circumspectly. I remembered Cory mentioning her name to me before, but wasn’t quite sure about the nature of their relationship. Ruth immediately knew who I was, and told me all the things that she knew about me. She also told me that she and Cory had been intimate. I asked her specifically if they had sex, she didn’t answer.

Since the answering machine was never turned off, the entire conversation was recorded. As soon as he and Chuck came home, I furiously walked him into Chuck’s room and pressed play. He heard the entire conversation, and began explaining his side of the story. I asked all the normal questions any girlfriend would ask. “Who is she?” and “Why is she calling you?” I asked. “Did you have sex with her?” Angry and frustrated, Cory grabbed my neck and began to choke me. Chuck sat on the sofa and played video games. He eventually said, “Man, don’t choke her.” Then Cory released me.

Crying, I ran into his room and slammed the door behind me. Why did he choke me? What did I do to deserve that? About an hour later and without an apology, Cory came into the room and said I shouldn’t have been in Chuck’s room in the first place. At seventeen, I didn’t see the red flag. I was so caught up in our love (or lust) that I lost track of the difference between right and wrong. For the young and old who may be reading this and can relate, a man putting his hands on you is wrong (always) and it doesn’t get better with time.

In September of 1998 I found out I was pregnant. Cory and I had been living together for nearly a year. I was a sophomore in college, and he was a senior. Less than a year later, Cory was drafted into the NFL by the Cincinnati Bengals. Our daughter, Nya, was born on June 7,1999.

Recently drafted into the NFL and fearful of having to pay too much child support to his first child’s mother, Cory decided to start a relationship with her again. Of course he failed to seek my knowledge or approval.

In early December 2000, I received child support papers from the California Department of Social Services (keep in mind our wedding was scheduled for December 31, 2000). The mother of Cory’s first child was requesting more money. I asked him if he had been paying her according to their agreement. He said, “Yes!” and that he would handle it and not to worry. I thought to myself, if she was receiving money every month, why was she filing for child support? It didn’t make sense so I called her to ask. She said she filed because the child support payments were not being sent on time every month and the amount sent some months was less than others. I then asked her if I took the responsibility to send the payments every month, would that make her feel more comfortable. She said, “What do you mean? Do you live there?” I told her yes, and asked what she meant. She said Cory told her I didn’t live with him.

I turned on the recorder of my phone to record the remainder of our conversation. She said he flew her to Cincinnati twice. One of those times was for Mother’s Day. After she and I got off of the phone, I promptly placed our daughter in her car seat and drove to the training facility where Cory was at practice with the team. When I arrived, I saw one of Cory’s teammates and asked him to go get him. Cory came out, and I played the tape of my conversation. He told me she was crazy and that it never happened. I didn’t believe him. He had to get back to work so I left. He came home early from practice to check on me. I was still furious and crying. “That’s what you get for listening to her crazy ass. You let her do this to you,” he said. He even shed a tear and asked how I could let these lies come into our home! Curious, I called her back. This time she provided irrefutable details like dates, times, where he was, where they stayed, the car he drove, and most importantly, her flight information.