Who Moved My Blackberry? (27 page)

I think Keri is energy dependent. In the past I thought she might be a rocket, but now I'm not so sure.

It's all food for thought … must get on with the speech now.

22.5 percent better than my very bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry, I've drafted your speech. I've made it as inclusive as I can, and I've put integrity center stage. Hope you like it!

Bestest Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Thanks for the honest feedback! I agree 230 percent. I'll give it more thought and come back to you, soonest.

Martin

From:
Faith Preston

To:
All Staff

Hi—Keri Tartt is leaving our shores for NZ at the end of the week. If anyone would like to sign her card and contribute to her gift—it's on my desk.

Cheers, Faith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Keri—Frankly, I am surprised that I get to hear through Faith that you have decided to leave. You and I have always communicated very openly with each other, and so I thought you would have the decency to tell me yourself.

However, it's all probably for the best, and I hope that we can remain friends.

My best

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

I don't get it, Keri. I send you an extremely nice message, and you accuse me of being a cold selfish bastard only interested in myself … blah, blah. Two can play at that game—I actually think it was extremely selfish of you to end our affair because you didn't think I was paying you enough attention. If you hadn't been so wrapped up in yourself you would have noticed that I have been given the job of a lifetime which is very stressful and is more than a 24/7 commitment. Frankly our relationship was an energy exchange—you didn't enhance my energy levels, and if I'm going to be totally honest, I should say I deserve a lot more.

Martin

From:
Keri Tartt

To:
All Staff

Hiya!

Thanx 2 everyone for the gr8 card and the generous M&S vouchers!!! I'm going to have loadsa fun spending them! It's been so cool working with ya! I'll take many happy memories back to NZ with me! And if u r ever in NZ come and c me!!

Cheers

Keri

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

I've re-dreamt your speech, and this time I hope you'll agree it's sensational!

My Big Idea is to set up your address like a pop concert. There will be a flashing strobe and the Sister Sledge song “We Are Family” will be playing very loudly. I shout over the PA—“THE GUY YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR … BARRY MALONE!!” and you come running onto the stage and the crowd then gets up and whoops.

You march up and down on the stage shouting I LOVE THIS COMPANY! WE ARE ONE FAMILY!! I'll get the crowd cheering, and then you ask: What are we? We'll shout back: ONE FAMILY!! You'll say: WE ARE UNITED BY INTEGRITY. WHAT ARE WE UNITED BY? We will shout back: INTEGRITY!!!

This will get everyone on their feet, and get the conference off to an exceptionally high-octane start.

If you think this is the way to go (and I hope you will!!) then I'll draft the rest of it tonight.

Bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi—Thrilled you love it!! I am totally pleased with it myself! Will have the rest of the address with you soonest!

Martin

PS Brunch on Sunday would be great. It's a bit lonely for me here with no family, so I much appreciate the hospitality!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Thank you for an energizing day! Can I congratulate you on the charm and beauty of your daughter? I'd lock her up if I were you! Also congratulations on having found in Janine a woman who not only cooks the perfect eggs benedict but plays such excellent golf!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham

Went over to BSM's house again yesterday. Randee not there this time. Janine was there instead … v friendly to yours truly. Actually I've changed my mind on her—she's very bright, and we had some good intellectual discussions! Afterwards we played a four-ball with a gorgeous daughter, who is 15 but looks 25. I played pretty well.

Barry has just bought a painting for $2.5m that he says is worth twice as much. Not sure how he managed that … and when I asked, he went all funny. Most of the time I know exactly what Barry's thinking, but sometimes he plays his cards v close to his chest.

Cheers, Mart

PS What's the London gossip? Feeling a tad out of the loop.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

So sorry not to have been in touch for yonks. Everything going mad here. Thanks for your message. Glad you went to have Sunday lunch with Jens and the boys.

Try not to worry too much about Jake—teenage boys always look pale and thin—they don't get out in the fresh air that much …

You didn't say anything about Jens. Did she mention the D word? She seems to have stopped talking about divorce, though if I'm totally honest, she's stopped talking about anything at all. Her coping strategy is to bury herself in her work—which worries me as it isn't the best thing for the boys.

Did I tell you that it's over with Keri? At the end of the day she decided she wanted something more serious than I was prepared to give at the present moment in time—I was upset for a bit, but then I figured that the two of us didn't have a lot in common—but I think you worked that out for yourself!

Work is fantastic, never been better.

Will e-mail or ring later in the week.

Yr loving son

Martie x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens

Mum says Jake's looking terrible. He doesn't reply to my messages, or speak on the phone. What's going on? Is he on drugs again? You really do need to keep me in the loop.

I hear you're working flat out, and frankly I worry that not only is that bad for the boys, it's not good for you. Love, Martin x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

J—No I can't possibly come back this w/end. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm doing the most important project this company has ever undertaken. I'm under a lot of pressure … and you aren't helping. In case you are interested, I'm not sleeping at all … M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—thank you for your “considerate” message. This is a very stressful time for me and I don't appreciate getting messages about my “double standards” and “dysfunctional behavior.” I do NOT need therapy. If anyone needs it, it's you. By refusing to come and join me in Atlanta you are hurting yourself, myself and the boys. You are also draining our funds … I'm still in a hotel waiting on a decision from you on what sort of house to buy. The minibar bill for a week alone is the same as our annual gas bill.

I know what you think of Pandora, but I've been doing some interesting work with her on my relationships, and looking at the ones that drain my energy compared to the ones that boost it. My relationship with you, regrettably, falls into the first camp. Pandora clearly thinks we should split up—you aren't bringing anything to my party, if you will. Frankly I'm beginning to see where she's coming from.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Conference Update!

Attached is the schedule for Phenomenal Performance Permanently at Paradise Island. This year the theme is One Global Family! Please note that the dress code is Smart Casual (no suits required). Evening events casual with a Bahamas theme. Feel free to dress colorful!

If you have any questions or issues or inspirations, please do not hesitate to touch base with myself.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Hi—yes I have scheduled your talk for the after-lunch slot. And no, it is not going to be possible to swap with mine. A huge amount of thought has gone into the logistics of this and I believe I have come up with a best of breed outcome.

I gave you the so-called “graveyard slot” because I thought you'd deliver a presentation compelling enough so that people stay awake!!

Bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Hi!

A reminder to all co-colleagues who will NOT be present at Paradise Island that Barry's speech will be broadcast live on the Web. Large screens will be erected in all geographies and co-colleagues are encouraged to watch it together in order to ensure maximum impact!

Bestest

Martin Lukes

Chief of Staff, Office of the Chairman

From:
Cindy Czarnikow

To:
Paradise Island delegates

Welcome to this island paradise!! For the next few days we are going to bond and to brainstorm. Today everyone should swim, soak up the scene and enjoy a lite lunch in the Jungle Bar. I recommend the plantain-crusted Nassau grouper creole. Yum!

Make sure you're well rested and refreshed ahead of Barry's extraordinary motivational plenary address at 5pm. And sharpen your wits for the Vision and Values quiz tomorrow! I shall be testing everyone on our mission, our prayers, our behaviors and our dreams. You don't want to be The Weakest Link!!!

Cheers, Cindy

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Hi Jake—Just seen your message. No I don't know where your mother is, she hasn't arrived yet. And no, I can't send you more money. You get 200 quid at the beginning of the month. Would appreciate an e-mail/phone call from you before then with some news in it, rather than just requests for dosh.

Dad

Text message to Jenny. Sent 14:23

Jens—are u here? Why haven't u checked in? M x

Text message to Jenny. Sent 14:46

Why have you got a separate room??? I booked a double suite for both of us. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Just wanted to say good luck, and remind you to let your natural warmth come through. Let your charisma fill the auditorium!

The sound system is brilliant so the music will be very, very loud. I've positioned a couple of cheerleaders in the audience who know when to clap, when to whoop, and when to stand up and stamp their feet. The rest of the audience will take their lead from them. Give it all you've got, and good luck!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Welcome!

Everyone gather for Barry's address in the Ballroom now! Starting in 15 minutes!

Martin

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry—

WHOOOOOAA!!! Your performance just now was amazing!! I haven't seen a crowd shout so much since I went to a Led Zeppelin concert when I was 17! You have taken the family concept and breathed life into it. THEY ALL LOVED YOU!! After you bounded off stage there was a feeling of real passion in the audience. People were crying and hugging each other. Amazing. An example unto us all!! WE ARE FAMILY!!!

Martin

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Text message to Jenny. Sent 07:57