Who Moved My Blackberry? (12 page)

1. Cuts to travel budget. All air travel must be in economy class. There will be no exceptions to this.
   

2. Our contract with Bloomin' Krazy has been terminated. In future we will have a display of imitation flowers in the 1st floor reception space only.
   

3. Headcount. Project ABC will reduce headcount by an estimated 15 percent. In addition I am today announcing a hiring freeze.
   

4. Vending machines. The 3p subsidy per cup will be rescinded, effective immediately.
   

Roger Wright

Acting Chairman

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Trust you've seen Rog's memo. Frankly, sometimes dying seems like the easy option.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Roger Wright

Hi Roger

I am extremely concerned at the hiring freeze. I should not need to remind you that the marketing department is the engine room of this company. If we do not have top talent in this department, we have zero chance of maintaining/enhancing our pole position as one of the creative engines in the a-b glöbâl family.

You will be aware I am currently looking for a Senior Brand Evangelist. This is a pivotal position and I am not aware of any internal candidate with the appropriate skillset.

Best, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—I'm back at home feeling very dopey after the sedative. Dr. Gorton may be the top bowel cancer bod in the country, but even he was defeated by my case. He claimed not to be able to find any cancer in the colon at all—which frankly, I find very worrying. Have just watched the video of my bowel and I'm 280 percent certain there's a nasty shadow lurking on the bowel wall. I've phoned his office and spoken to one of his dopey assistants who says that shadows are “perfectly normal”(!) God knows where they get these people from. I'm definitely seeking a second opinion.

Come home quickly and watch it with me.

Love M xx

PS I'm very very hungry after my purge. Can you pick up a large Indian takeout on yr way back?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

The medical profession are completely baffled by cancer and tests ongoing. The results have left me feeling very low and confused. When your cancer was diagnosed did you come across any medical experts prepared to think out of the box on this? Not 22.5 percent better than my bestest (if I'm honest!)

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
IT Department

ARE WE THE ONLY COMPANY IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A FUNCTIONING SPAM FILTER??? I AM TOTALLY FED UP WITH ALL THIS SPAM. I DON'T NEED VIAGRA, OR PENIS ENLARGEMENT—CAN SOMEONE IN THE IT DEPARTMENT GET THIS SORTED—NOW.

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

The great news is that your KWYA is in perfect harmony, and you are now ready for the next module, which is all about your heart.

Like many highly successful men, Martin, you let your head work overtime. You are extremely intelligent, Martin, and very logical, but unless you let your heart talk, you will achieve your goals, but you won't be fulfilled, and you will have a working style that will veer on the demanding and the bullying.

So I am going to show you how to build a little bridge between the left side of your brain, which is the logical side, and the right side, which controls your feelings. Close your eyes, Martin. Imagine a red rose in the right side of your brain. Imagine a white rose on the left. Can you see those roses, Martin? Now swap them over.

The power of this exercise is amazing. If you do it every hour for the next four weeks, you will find the bridge is there and the difference in your decision making will be amazing.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Keri—do you mind if I ask you something? I'd really like your honest answer. Do you think my management style can be demanding, or even bullying?

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Very kind of you to say so! Thank you! Next odd request. Can you come into my office and help me perform a little trick with roses?! A large latte and an almond Danish would be nice … it's something that may require a little sustenance!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

For what it's worth, you have got me wrong if you think I'm purely a “head” person. Certainly logical thought is extremely important to myself, but I reject 120 percent the idea that I am bullying. I've just asked for some honest 360 degree feedback from members of my team, who do not buy into the idea at all! That said, I'll practice the tests and see what happens!

22.5 percent better than my very bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mummy

Can you send me the name of your knee doctor and I'll investigate the private option?? Really don't worry about the money. Obviously I'll pay for it. I thought I had already said that. Yes, the Eton fees are going to be an arm and a leg (assuming he gets in), but I've only got one mum, and I'm going to walk the extra mile to look after her!

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

Great trousers! Very fetching!

Can I ask you to do a little something? Can you find out who is in charge of our health insurance? I want to wangle my mother's op onto my policy. I know it normally only covers wife and kids … but I think I might be able to swing something … M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Roger Wright

Roger—You suggest Bettina Schmidt as a satisfactory candidate for Senior Brand Evangelist. I know that she has worked on some leading edge marketing projects for a-b glöbâl (Germany) before her maternity leave, but I understand she will only be working four days a week. We are all working 24/7 as it is—and a new member of the team must be 120 percent committed.

Rgds

Martin

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone

I wanted to update you on where we are with our behaviors matrix. We must not lose sight that the purpose of it is to divide all our family into three streams—A, B and C. We feel it would therefore be inappropriate if our target behaviors are branded around the letter C, as these are the co-colleagues who do not have a future here.

I am delighted to say that we will unveil the matrix next week. In advance of that time, if any co-colleague would like to feed into the process please feel free to contact me.

Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham—Jesus fucking wept. I despair over this place. Rog is fobbing me off with some German girl as the new Suzanna who has just had a baby and who will have fried brains and be dribbling milk and dashing off home the whole time. Now bloody Keith has decided he doesn't like my matrix after all. Drink later?

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Keri, can I try something out on you?

When I was in the shower this morning I was thinking about the behaviors matrix, and this word came into my mind. Creovation. Cre-ovation—half creativity and half innovation! What do you think?

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Thanks, Keri—I thought you'd love it! Jens doesn't get it, or at least she pretends not to. Obviously I'm not going to say anything as clichéd as my-wife-doesn't-understand-me, but last night she had the nerve to suggest she is the only one who is doing real work and I'm just faffing around. Keri, you are a massive reality check for me, you remind me that my creovative juices are flowing!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—I know it's your book club tonight, but I don't think I'll be able to make it back in time to hold the fort. I need to prepare something for Keith and BSM on creovation. With respect, I don't think you quite grasped the point of it this morning—you were too busy giving orders to Svetlana and looking for Max's cricket jumper.

Will probably be back 10ish.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Just wanted to say that I strongly agree that it's inappropriate to have all our behaviors start with a C. I should explain how the suggestion came about—It was surfaced by a junior member of my team, and I included it in my presentation as I passionately believe in order to get a team to co-create effectively, you have to throw everyone's ideas in the pot, stir them around before you start weeding the weaker ones out.

However, it's important we don't throw out the baby with the proverbial bathwater. The most important C on the list is creativity. This is our tool kit for changing our dna, if you will. I've been thinking about what sets the truly creative co-colleagues apart. It isn't simply creativity. Neither is it innovation. What the highest flyers do is combine the two into a single behavior that I call Creovation. A Creovative idea is both out of the box and actionable. It is bolt-on and blue-sky. I passionately believe it should form the heart of our matrix.

All my very bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry!

Thanks for getting back so quickly! I'm totally delighted that you think Creovation is phenomenal. Can I revisit your image of the stonemason? If the stonemasons building the flagship St. Paul's cathedral in London had been a bit more creovative, they might have come up with something less of a cliché than a bog standard dome!

All my very bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

I've got a challenging one for you. Can you find out how to register something as a trademark? I want to protect my intellectual capital in creovation, before someone nicks it.

Ta muchly M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dear Mum

How are you? Glad to hear your roses are looking lovely.

I've got some great news re your knee op. It's all sorted, you're going to have it done at the Wellington, they'll ring with a date later today. I'm still pretty hacked off with the medical profession—they still haven't traced the source of my cancer. The only person who is being remotely helpful is Pandora, who is teaching me how to tackle it by exercising the right side of my brain. I know you think all of this is mumbo jumbo, and at one level I do too, but I've decided to give it a try. Let's face it, I haven't got much to lose.

Despite all this, everything is going v well workwise. I've come up with this new concept called creovation, which is going down a storm here. Which is ironic in a way given that my back is against the wall heathwise. Or maybe it's not so ironic. Didn't Beethoven write his finest unfinished symphony on his deathbed?

Hope to see you at the weekend.

Lots of love

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dear Mum,

You're such a one for the Queen's English!! It means part creativity and part innovation. Really mum, I think it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Times change, and you have to creovate!!

Much love

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Thanks Keri, you're a star! Question. Does the £125 buy me the tradmark in the world or just in the UK? I'm going to need global protection for this, as the market in these ideas doesn't respect national boundaries!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens

Don't forget that we're going to Chelsea Flower Show tomorrow pm with my friend Tim from Boogie Gargle Fink … Is my Hugo Boss pale gray pinstripe at the dry cleaners?

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

I told you about Chelsea MONTHS ago. What is this Eve-o-lution cocktail party? Is it some women's networking thing? If it's networking you want you can't do better than Chelsea … all the great and the good from the advertising fraternity are at our table.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

How do you fancy going to the opening night of Chelsea Flower Show with me tomorrow? We'd be guests of BGF, which always pushes the boat out on these occasions … bubbly … nice eats. Hope you can make it. Posh togs the order of the day.

M