Who Moved My Blackberry? (14 page)

For me this has been a great month for both head and heart. My win with creovation™ was a classic bridging exercise. I have also used my heart to make a very difficult situation with a new employee better. I have shared a personal story with her, to help her shift her performance and team loyalty onto the next level. Above all I have used my heart to make myself more in tune with, and more stimulated by, the working environment. No question.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky

Meet you on the fire escape in five mins … I'll go first, and text you if the coast is clear …

Perky

PS The corporal is standing to attention already!!

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

One of the biggest wins we have got out of Executive Bronze so far is your great new attitude towards yourself! This month we are going to focus in on your body, and I am going to teach you how to look and feel marvelous—forever! First, let's draw the baseline—tell me how you feel about your health, your diet, your fitness, about how you look, and we'll take it from there!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Pinky—you've exhausted me! You've got some stamina!

You'll be glad to hear that Pandora is going to work on my body this month—that spare tire may soon be consigned to history!!! I may not be your porky Perky for much longer!!

PPxxxxx

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hallo everybody

I am proud to be able to announce the first step in the rollout of ABC.

Over the next two weeks all co-colleagues will attend an ABC workshop which will kick-start the segmentation process. It is imperative that every co-colleague attends the workshops, which have been designed to be rich learning experiences as well as a lot of fun!

Keith Buxton
Chief Talent Officer

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

It's weird that you don't even know what I look like, so am attaching a picture of myself taken for our annual report. It's a bit cheesy—I had to stand there laughing into the phone for yonks while some idiot photographer faffed about. Still, all things considered I don't think I look too bad for 43—or 44 as I'll be in two weeks. On the upside, I've got a very good head of hair, hardly receding and hardly any gray which is more than most men of my age can boast, and 20-20 vision.

Weight—I've put on a bit of weight around the middle and maybe a tiny bit on the face since that pic was taken. Just weighed myself on Jens's scales and apparently I weigh 14 stone 2—which I don't think can be accurate …

I've got an exercise bike and rowing machine in my study at home which I use as much as I can, though I've never found the home the right environment for a workout, so I work out at the gym on my own, as and when.

I'd say I'm pretty health conscious foodwise. Occasionally I eat a Twix or a Bounty, but that is mainly as a result of my highly pressured lifestyle which means I often need to grab a bite on the run. I'm a total water addict. I aim to drink 5 liters for my daily detox. I'd like to start with a personal trainer again, and build up fitness, and should also try to cut back on the snacks, where possible.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin—

The bad news is that I am hearing a lot of double talk from you. You say you want a better body, but then you offer me a lot of excuses.

The good news is that I can help you reprogram your mind. There is a little word that begins with f. We are frightened of the f-word, and we teach our children to be frightened of it too.

I can feel that word undermining everything you say about your body. I want you to turn your back on the f-word. Once you do that, you will succeed!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora—Frankly, I'm confused. That word is quite important to me, especially at the present time, and we certainly haven't taught our kids to be scared of it … on the contrary Jake (at nearly 16) seems to think of nothing else. He even tried to jump on our fat Russian au pair the other night. I just don't see how turning my back on sex is going to help my body. Quite the reverse, in fact.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Martin—you have a great sense of humor! I didn't say anything about sex! I have no issues with that at all! Sex is great—it's one of the body's natural ways of reenergizing itself.

My f-word is fear! Listen to yourself talk, Martin. You are afraid of your body, afraid of not getting it into perfect shape. You make excuses for not going to the gym, for eating fatty foods. New You doesn't recognize fear. You are not going to fail to rebuild your body, Martin. You are going to succeed!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

Thanks for your message. It is nice to think of you sitting up in your hospital bed with your laptop on your knee. I hope those nurses are treating you well. Best of British with the op tomorrow. Will come and visit in the evening, schedule permitting. I've told them that there's no hurry for you to come out. I want you to enjoy being pampered for a bit. Don't worry about the money, I've implied that Phyllis Lukes is my daughter and now seems it's all on my health insurance!

Yr loving son

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

No, I haven't lied, though maybe a smidgin economical with the truth! In any case, you shouldn't worry about insurance companies. They are all parasites, they don't add value … not a creovative™ individual in the entire industry …

Your loving son

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

Have had my first session with Donna at the gym, who says my upper body strength is pretty good for my age! She made me do 10 mins on the cycle machine, 10 mins on the treadmill and 10 mins on the crosstrainer then we did pecs, quads, curls and stretching. Donna says the key thing is for me to learn how to exit my personal comfort zone … she's very motivational. I'm going to see her every day, so watch this space!

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—I'm hurting … I ache all over … can you pop in and give me a little rub … also if you are going out could I have six liters of Evian water? Perky

From:
Cindy Czarnikow

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone. As chief morale officer, I have been tasked with ensuring that the morale implications of Project ABC are phenomenally positive. I know some of you have surfaced some issues with the process, which I hope this FAQ will solve!!

Q
: Are the people who are As better than the Bs and Cs?

A:
No way! Everybody in this company is a uniquely talented individual. All we are saying is that the talents of A workers are supremely well aligned with our core purpose. Bs are well aligned, and Cs are not so well aligned.

Q
: Are the Cs being fired?

A
: I'm glad you asked that! The Cs are NOT being fired! We love them and we are deeply appreciative of all the fine work they have done here. However, we believe that in their own best interests they would be happier working someplace else.

Q
: Will the senior people all be As?

A
: Uh-uh! All the top people have been appraised like everyone else. As I said, the process has been incredibly fair. If I myself am a B or a C I would have no problem with that because I know I have always given this job my love and my passion.

Q
: Is my grade going to be made public?

A
: It's up to you! Only you and your senior manager will know your grade. If you want to cherish your grade to yourself then we don't have any problem with that!

I'm smiling at you

Cindy

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

So sorry not to have seen you last night. I came round a tad late and some mini Hitler refused to let me in as you were sleeping off the anesthetic. Will stop by today after work.

I can't believe that they got you out of bed on the first day, and that you're walking already! I told Pandora, and she said it showed that your energy levels are in balance!

See you later
Love Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—Can't face the fire escape—it's still pouring with rain. Shall we try the Canning Town Novotel at lunchtime?

Btw you must stop being paranoid about Jens. I went on and on last night about how gorgeous Donna is which puts her off the scent (literally!!) Though actually she's so far from suspecting anything it's almost insulting! It simply hasn't occurred to her that anyone might find her husband devastatingly sexy.

Porky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

No of course I don't! Donna's got hairy arms, and a minute arse.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

My kinky pinky

You really need to stop this. No I am not saying you have a big bum. As you may have noticed, I think your bum is absolutely totally the perfect size, and in three hours the corporal and myself will be examining it in a proper bed!!

Porky Perky

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hi! Next week we will be holding a brainstorming session for directors and senior department heads on the aim, scope and practice of Project ABC.

We will be kicking off with an ice breaking exercise—I'd like each of you to come up with something that's surprising about yourself.

We'll follow up with some role-play exercises. I want each individual to think of a famous person that exemplifies one of the behaviors and act in character. I know this is going to be a uniquely rewarding learning experience.

Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Sweetest Kinky Pinky. Please don't nag me about this. I want to spend more time with you, too. It's just really hard to get it sorted. We mustn't be silly about this. We've taken a lot of risks … it is really important we don't get found out … I'll see what I can do, maybe try to get J to go away for a bit.

Porky Perky x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

What are you doing for this role play? I was going to do Einstein for creovation™, but I think it's too obvious. Instead I've decided to show that I also have some of the other values, too, so am going to do Gandhi for Integrity.

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Yes, I know Gandhi didn't have a beer belly. You obviously haven't noticed that I've lost 4 lbs already this month.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling, sorry if I was a bit short with you at breakfast. I know you find my relationship with mum difficult, but I had to ask her to convalesce with us. It won't be for long—she'll keep herself to herself, and she loves the boys.

A thought has occurred to me—why not get away from it all for a weekend to destress and detox? I could easily hold the fort, and Svetlana could help me. I'd quite like some quality time with the boys, anyway.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—it saddens me that when I try to support you, you start looking for secret agendas. I simply suggested that you do something that might boost your positive energy flow. You clearly need to destress, but at the end of the day, it's your call.

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Pinky—It's proving harder than I thought but I'm still trying. Can't wait till later.

Perky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Fucketyfuckingfuck … I've just sent an e-mail to you to the whole bloody office … oh god oh god, my whole life is flashing before my eyes …