Who Are You Meant to Be? (43 page)

Note: You may need to revise your desired future state if your fears and beliefs diminished what you wrote. Challenge yourself to not let your fears or beliefs limit your description of your desired future state.

Planner Section 3: Define Your Plan

What needs to happen for me to move to action?
What barriers will I encounter?

In this section, you need to use your left rational brain to define how you are going to move from your current state to your desired state. This includes defining the strategies you will focus on (what) and the specific actions, experiences, or activities you will complete (how) in order to achieve your goals. You also have to identify the barriers or resistance you are likely to experience as you move to action so that you are prepared to address them. Use your notes from step 1 to complete this section, particularly those on possible actions to take to fully use your Predominant Style. This ensures the likelihood of your predominant need being met. It also identifies the activities that you need to demonstrate more frequently in order to strengthen your SA System.

Consider the following as you complete the “what” of your plan:

• Change:
  Identify ways to help get your predominant need to be met. If you can’t get it met by making major changes in a specific area, for example, your job, think about what self-actualizing behaviors you might use at work instead of behaving in a self-protective fashion. Or, you can look to other areas of your life to satisfy your predominant need so that you feel more in charge of your life.
  

Max (Leader) had expected to get the branch manager role when his boss retired, but instead senior management brought someone in from a branch across the city. For the past several months, Max did everything he could to show management that the guy they brought in was a total loser. Max interrupted him in meetings to show how much more he knew than his boss and was always giving his opinions to coworkers about how incompetent management was because of way they made their decisions. He was convinced he knew best.

Max was blindsided when he was called in to his manager’s office and told that if his attitude and behavior didn’t change, he would no longer be on the management track. Waking up from his self-protective stupor, Max finally realized that he felt that his career was out of his control and he was acting out his anxiety. He knew that he needed to find a way to get his need to be in control met, and decided he could first get some control over his attitude. He volunteered to lead an office reorganization project, and at home he volunteered to coach his son’s soccer team.

• Shift:
  Determine the actions you can take to stop living from your SP System and start demonstrating the self-actualizing behaviors of your Predominant Style, for example: “I will not lose my temper (self-protective) the next time my mother says she doesn’t like what I am wearing, I will manage my emotions (self-actualizing), I will restate her comment and reinforce what different tastes in fashion we have, I am not a victim, and she is not attacking me.”
  

Consider the following as you complete the “how” of your plan:

• Experiential:
  Define actual experiences you will have so that your brain can lay new neural networks, for example, “I will practice my listening and empathy skills by asking coworkers about their personal time and how they spend it.” Pick activities you can repeat over and over again in order to strengthen these new pathways.
  
• Simple:
  Break the “what” into small, simple actions that you can start doing immediately, for example, set a time each day to practice the self-actualizing behavior. The more complex the “how,” the less likely you will be to complete it.
  
• Challenging:
  Make sure your activities have the right amount of challenge to engage your brain without making it too hard, thereby activating your SP System. Set challenging yet realistic goals for yourself, as your brain functions optimally when it’s appropriately challenged. Without enough challenge, the brain falls asleep and you will lose focus and downshift.
  

Consider the following as you identify the “barriers” to your plan:

• Resistance:
  Changing behavior causes resistance from the SP System in the form of anxiety, fear, embarrassment and vulnerability, and so on, which no one really wants to feel. Not understanding that behavioral change involves feelings of discomfort, and resistance derails many of our good intentions. What emotions are you likely to experience when you move to action on your plan?
  
• Emotional buy-in:
  As soon as you feel discomfort, you may rationalize why the change isn’t that important or allow emotional self-indulgence to take the place of emotional self-management. You need to figure out how you will tolerate your emotions and use them to drive toward your goals rather than allowing them to hijack you.
  

Tips for Completing This Section Based on Your Predominant Style

Leader or Intellectual:
Your Predominant Style possesses a natural confidence and arrogance about its abilities, so be aware of the tendency to do this entire exercise from this quadrant of the brain, and the possibility of being hijacked by the needs of your Associate Styles should you not take them into consideration (e.g., not acknowledging emotional barriers or how to handle them).

Performer or Visionary:
Acknowledge any resistance you may feel to defining your plan and making it “real,” noticing how it can affect your mood, and then proceed with the activity anyway. Resist the urge to think you are above “limiting” yourself by developing a plan to follow. Your brain will benefit and grow so much when you hold yourself to the planning process instead of resisting and jumping from one thing to another.

Socializer or Artist:
Make sure you factor yourself in. People of these Styles can have difficulty putting themselves first for fear of being considered selfish or unhelpful. Defining your goals objectively may mean putting limits on behaviors and relationships patterns you have tolerated in your life. Push past your resistance by remembering that the changes you make will enhance the quality of all your relationships.

Adventurer or Stabilizer:
Focus on identifying the overall actions and objectives that you want to achieve, knowing that you will detail the steps of how to do this in the next section. If you can’t figure out the necessary action, get someone to help you. When defining actions and activities, don’t simply do those that are easy or that allow you to avoid pain or discomfort.

At Home

Consider changes in the way your relationships work, how you behave with others or what you expect from other people, the role you play in your personal life, how you parent or interact with your children, and/or how you negotiate to increase the frequency with which your predominant need is met. Consider how you will shift from your SP System and/or strengthen your SA System to achieve your desired future state in your personal life.

Here is an example:

What I am going to do?
Record your approach to achieving your desired future state.

Increase the extent my predominant need as a Performer gets met in my primary relationship.

How I am going to do it?
List specific activities you will do or experiences you will seek to develop your brain’s neural pathways.

1. Make a list of which actions would meet my need.
   
2. Communicate to my spouse about my need to be recognized and what it looks like if he is meeting it.
   
3. Show appreciation when he does something to reinforce his behavior.
   

When I am going to do it
? Write down dates so you can monitor.

1. By end of week
   
2. By end of month
   
3. Each time my need gets met
   

Barriers I am likely to encounter.
Identify what will get in the way and how you can address when it happens.

1. Discomfort disclosing I have this need—acknowledge my feeling; be prepared.
   
2. Habit of saying “you shouldn’t have” when someone does something; catch myself and add, “but I am glad you did”…
   

What I am going to do?
Record your approach to achieving your desired future state.

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How I am going to do it?
List specific activities you will do or experiences you will seek to develop your brain’s neural pathways.

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When I am going to do it
? Write down dates so you can monitor.

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Barriers I am likely to encounter.
Identify what will get in the way and how you can address when it happens.

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At Work or School

Consider changes in your current role, what you do (job) or who you do it for (company), how you interact with your boss or team, or how you negotiate for more opportunity to get your need met at work; or, if at school, what you study and how you participate, that would allow you to better get your predominant need met. Consider how you will shift from your SP System and/or strengthen your SA System to achieve your desired future state at work or at school.

Here is an example:

What I am going to do?
Record your approach to achieving your desired future state.

1. Shift my Stabilizer out of the SP System so I can get more enjoyment from work.
   
2. Practice mindfulness, and become aware of my negative self-talk.
   

How I am going to do it?
List specific activities you will do or experiences you will seek to develop your brain’s neural pathways.

1. Make a list at the end of each day of my wins or successes, and post them.
   
2. When people ask about work, answer with positive responses for at least thirty seconds.
   
3. With new tasks, check if they frustrate my need to be secure and figure out how to feel safe while performing them.
   

When I am going to do it
? Write down dates so you can monitor.

1. Start now
   
2. Start now
   
3. Each time asked to do something
   

Barriers I am likely to encounter.
Identify what will get in the way and how you can address when it happens.

1. Habit of judging myself and calling myself names as a result—say something positive when I do.
   
2. Own resistance to change—acknowledge the feeling and identify what I need.
   

What I am going to do?
Record your approach to achieving your desired future state.

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How I am going to do it?
List specific activities you will do or experiences you will seek to develop your brain’s neural pathways.

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When I am going to do it
? Write down dates so you can monitor.

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Barriers I am likely to encounter.
Identify what will get in the way and how you can address when it happens.

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In Social Activities

Consider changes in your social activities. Think about who you spend time with and what you do when you spend time together, what role you play with your friends, and how you interact in social settings. Think about what you might do to increase the frequency of getting your predominant need met. Consider what you can do to shift from self-protective to self-actualizing behaviors when you are with your friends and/or how you could strengthen your SA System through your social activities.

Here is an example:

What I am going to do?
Record your approach to achieving your desired future state.

Use my SA Socializer so I can have more consistency and intimacy in my relationships with friends.

How I am going to do it?
List specific activities you will do or experiences you will seek to develop your brain’s neural pathways.

1. Plan a social activity each week with a friend.
   
2. Share information about myself and my life with friends and family.
   
3. Ask for help when I need it.
   

When I am going to do it
? Write down dates so you can monitor.

1. Start now
   
2. Every Monday
   
3. Each time I am with someone
   

Barriers I am likely to encounter.
Identify what will get in the way and how you can address when it happens.