Who Are You Meant to Be? (20 page)

Creating “Events”

Performers approach everything they do with an idea of how to make it more fun, as a way of being recognized. They look for or create opportunities to perform, intuitively knowing how to enliven situations and bring excitement to all they do. Performers don’t do anything in half measure and are often considered “over the top” in the effort and energy they put into projects, relationships, and home. Whatever they place their attention tends to flourish and grow. They don’t just have Christmas decorations in front of the house; they have an ostentatious Griswold family type of display, complete with an inflatable Santa Claus, sled, and reindeer; and an elaborate Kris Kringle Bavarian village—the whole extravaganza set off in blazing floodlights to make sure no one can miss the attraction. Generally, Performers are also on the lookout for new adventures and new venues in which to shine, and they discover what is “trendy” before others do. It was surely a Performer who developed the concept of a flash mob, if only for the sake of being the first one in the crowd to start belting out Handel’s “Hallelujah” chorus or tipping the first top hat in a rendition of
A Chorus Line
. Good fun? No doubt! But for the Performer, it is fun with a serious purpose: to get (and stay) in the limelight.

Self-Protective Performers create drama.
When they are bored or have no one to pay attention to them, SP Performers start to focus on every little thing about themselves. Because they spend so little time focusing on how their bodies usually feel, they have no measure for what is normal, and they start imagining, in their dramatic fashion, everything that could possibly be wrong. That little brown spot isn’t a freckle; it’s skin cancer. That bump on the skull is a brain tumor. Their panic about what is wrong with them quickly escalates. At the same time, a mental drama plays out in which our hero, devastated by the ravages of cruel disease, envisions his or her mourners at the funeral (and it’s a funeral like no one has ever seen!), all of them wailing over the injustice of a brilliant life snuffed out too soon by a skin cancer or brain tumor tragedy. Good-bye, cruel world! Now that the Performer has something to talk about, he or she has to call someone immediately to get some attention!

Self-Actualizing Performers tolerate being alone.
Self-Actualizing Performers are able to recognize their feelings and tolerate them. They recognize when someone has hurt and disappointed them, or when they are feeling bored and unstimulated. Instead of withdrawing and creating drama, they listen to what their feelings tell them they need in any given situation, and they negotiate with others to get their needs met. They learn to tolerate both disappointment and dissatisfaction as being a normal part of life. By acknowledging their true feelings, they can release the habit of creating drama to get attention and explore things they can do on their own to entertain themselves.

Winning at Everything

Second place is just the first place loser.

—Dale Earnhardt

Performers love to win, whether it’s clients, awards, sales competitions, political races, or arguments. They seek opportunities to compete. Whatever they do, they aim to come in first. They also distinguish themselves by one-upmanship and spinning bigger and better “fish stories.” Performers enjoy the process of debating and arguing and will do it just for fun. They can turn a casual conversation into an argument, and just when you think there is no way they will ever concede to your point, they’ll start arguing your position for you. It’s almost as if the Performer feels that there is one too many people in the argument and is saying, “Stand back and watch me argue both sides, brilliantly.” Performers can even get pleasure from winning in situations where no one else has noticed there’s a competition.

Self-Protective Performers become the “worst of the worst.”
One of the most amazing things about Performers is their inability to see when they have hijacked a conversation to talk about themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they neither understand nor care that they are using others. Most people are either intrigued enough by Performers to want to listen or are apprehensive about the consequences if they don’t. Self-Protective Performers are expert spinners of yarns about how they are unloved and misunderstood. They become outraged at the horrible way others have treated them (after all the Performer has done for them!). This causes them to become divalike and volatile, lashing out at people close to them, accusing them of not offering enough love and support. They will recount the horrors of their lives to anyone who will listen. Self-Protective Performers (of either gender) can be the ultimate drama queens.

Psychotherapy is a profession with no immediate gratification and is often challenging to Performers who choose this field. Take Sheila, for example. She spent many years in training, enjoying the process and distinguishing herself from her peers by excelling in graduate school and building a practice quickly afterward. Although driven to pursue the best professors and advisers, and capable of impressing them with the mastery of her studies, once she was on her own, she could no longer get the recognition she needed. There was no one important to impress—only colleagues. She constantly took over discussions in her peer group, lamenting that she was an awful therapist and was messing up her patients’ lives. She garnered a great deal of attention for doing this, because her peers were struggling to help her see that being a psychotherapist was not meeting her need to be recognized. While working with her during a session, I told her that if she really believed she was hurting her clients, she should perhaps consider a different kind of work. At this suggestion, she went ballistic, accusing me of not being supportive and helpful.

Self-Actualizing Performers inspire people rather than defeat them.
Self-Actualizing Performers know when they are finding ways to feel superior to friends and family instead of just hanging out with them. They are more willing to offer to help them instead of spinning stories about how well they can do what the other person is struggling with. They take the role of mentor or coach, giving their time generously to help motivate others to move beyond self-imposed limits on personal achievement. Performers in self-actualizing mode seem to have magic stardust in their pockets, which they sprinkle on others to make them feel that anything is possible. Being in the orbit of the Performer gives others a vicarious feeling of “specialness,” and they bask in the glow of the Performer’s energy. The Performer inspires others to become who they are meant to be.

Pushing the Envelope

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. ’Til your good is better and your better is best.

—St. Jerome

Their talent for seeing life’s many exciting possibilities makes Performers push themselves to attain higher and higher levels of success in all areas of life. They are very confident and rely almost exclusively on their gut instincts, which allows them to respond and react quickly to any given situation. Because they don’t like feeling boredom, sadness, or any other difficult emotion, they are never content with the mundane or the status quo. “Why not try this instead?” they say. They have a fresh, open attitude toward everything they do. They don’t accept the limitations that would hold others back. If someone tells them they won’t make anything out of themselves because they didn’t finish high school, don’t be surprised if they are running a successful business within five years. Performers often hear from others that their ideas are too far-fetched and impossible to achieve. “Just watch me” is their inner response. And if they fall short? Well, the sun’ll come out tomorrow. They simply change direction and are off again.

Oprah is a Performer who is constantly pushing the envelope, on both the personal and professional levels. She has made public the hardships she endured early in her personal life, and she is skilled at getting others to open up in the same way. She has gained tremendous recognition—both positive and negative—for revealing on television what was previously restricted to the privacy of the therapist’s office, and in so doing she made “normal” many subjects that were previously considered too shameful to talk about. From sexual abuse to the death of her child, her abusive relationships, and her struggle with her weight, all have helped to meet her need for recognition while relaxing the societal taboo about these aspects of the human condition.

Self-Protective Performers do everything to excess.
Self-Protective act as though they are invulnerable and invincible with little ability to set boundaries. They are magnanimous, saying yes to whatever people ask of them, whether they are able to accomplish those things or not. They may spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need, simply for the way it makes them feel. They will rationalize their behavior, saying that they are just enjoying life, and will dismiss anyone who tries to caution them about their excesses. They can easily end up overweight, overstimulated, and in debt. When the boss wonders aloud whether Performer Patty can take on three new clients, fly to Kalamazoo for a conference presentation, and deliver a companywide address on imminent downsizing, the words “Of course I can!” may slip from Patty’s lips without any consideration of her calendar, her skills, or her current workload.

Self-Actualizing Performers honor their commitments.
With Performers, opportunities abound. Self-Actualizing Performers have learned to say, “Let me get back to you” before they say yes. They learn how to reflect prior to jumping in and doing something new and interesting. They develop the capacity for discernment, using cause-and-effect thinking in their decision making. They develop a conscience about the harm they cause when they are not taking care of themselves and giving themselves enough time to rest and rejuvenate. They become very careful not to invest so much in meeting their need for recognition by trying to be all things to all people. They learn to say no without fearing that others will disapprove or think less of them. This allows them to decline requests to do things they don’t want to do or shouldn’t do.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

With their need to achieve and be recognized, Performers are activated by situations in which they are unable to maintain center stage or when they have to share the spotlight with someone else. Their need to be in the “winner’s circle” causes them to fear feeling humiliated, worthless, or disappointed when they can’t. Feeling this way frustrates their need to be recognized and therefore is what they fear most. The will do whatever they can to protect themselves from these feelings.

Intolerance for Losing

Performers want to win and have little tolerance for the disappointment they experience when they lose. They want their place in the winner’s circle and feel ashamed of being anything less than the first-place winner. Everything Performers do is another opportunity to win or best someone else. For example, if a Performer would like to learn to play golf but realizes his friends already golf well, he would opt to not learn rather than be less than the best at the game.

Disapproval of Others

Performers are sensitive to the reactions of their audience and feel embarrassed when they are not holding the attention of the group or when they get a hint of disapproval. Even though Performer Paul has told you the spellbinding story about the seven-foot carp and the jelly doughnut a hundred times, you’d better look lively when he launches into it again, because his whole image of himself depends on his audience’s rapt attention. If Performers feel that they are losing their audience, they try harder and become increasingly concerned that people are seeing them as superficial or without substance. “You don’t love this story?” Paul’s bemused expression says. “Well, wait until you hear me tell it like
this!
” The harder Performers try, the more outrageous their behavior can become. Although they may not go to the lengths of Glenn Close’s character in the movie
Fatal Attraction
, Performers share her conviction that they will
not
be ignored.

Being Alone

Spending too much time alone causes Performers to experience a loss of their own value. When nothing is going on or they aren’t getting the recognition they need, Performers generally start feeling bored, sad, or depressed. Without people around to admire them, Performers have nowhere to go but inside themselves.

Listening to Others’ Accomplishments

Performers don’t like having to share the stage and feel devalued when others talk about their accomplishments. They will keep trying to snatch the conversation away from someone else, even if it takes lamenting the fact that they will never be able to do what the other person is claiming to have done. They can easily draw attention to themselves, making others soothe and support them. Once they have the floor again, they perk right up.

Not Knowing Their Limits

Performers’ SP System is activated by overextending themselves. They want to be the best at all they do and push themselves to go beyond any perceived limitations, including physical ones. Pushing the envelope this way causes Performers to overdo physically and emotionally. They don’t know when enough is enough. They have to play one more encore, have the last glass of wine, or eat the last piece of cake. They work until they are done and then some. They run out of energy and use stimulants like coffee, carbs, and chocolate to keep them going.

Criticism

The self-image of the Performer doesn’t conceive of them doing anything wrong or contributing to problems they may be having. They are easily activated by anything that threatens their self-image and will attack those who criticize them. They take criticism very personally and believe someone else is to blame for what they are being criticized for and will rant about it to anyone who will listen.