Who Are You Meant to Be? (38 page)

Strengthening Your Self-Actualizing System

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

—Albert Ellis

Living from our SA System is key to becoming who we are meant to be. It must be strengthened before we can do any other development, and it does not just develop on its own. You can’t just say, “I’m not going to do that anymore,” or “Now I know what to do. I just have to…” Therefore, it’s important to know exactly how to do it. With new experiences and by making different choices for how you think and behave, you can develop the neural pathways connecting your three brains in order to start living from your SA System. This takes constant attention and practice. If we aren’t using the connections between the brains, those pathways will be pruned away, leaving us to our automatic behaviors that don’t support us in our attempts to live life as our best selves.

Think of your rational brain as your conscious self. It is aware of what is happening and what is possible. It sees the future, pictures what can be, knows how to identify what your issues are, and can create solutions to your problems. Now think of your emotional brain as your experiential self. It wants to feel physical sensations, communicate through emotions, and do what gives it most pleasure, right now. It’s easy to see the different agendas of the two parts of the brain. The old example of the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other is a perfect illustration of our brain in conflict:

Don’t listen to him. He’s trying to lead you down the path of righteousness! I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

—Kronk’s shoulder devil,
The Emperor’s New Groove

If you are one of the Styles that primarily lives out of the rational brain (Visionary, Leader, Performer, Intellectual), don’t think that you have any less of a challenge and that this only applies to those who have Styles housed in their emotional brains. You are so busy thinking about and working toward the future that you forget to check in and see what you are experiencing. As you read in the third chapter, the rational brain can assume the role of policing and controlling emotions or detaching from what is realistic. Take time to recognize the things that you aren’t experiencing—sensations or emotions—and what you might be missing as a result.

When the agenda of each of the brains is not aligned, it presents us with an inner conflict. Take Max, an Adventurer, who goes to the gym to work out for two hours, five times a week. He loves the experience of feeling strong and pushing to greater levels of physical power. Night finds him out clubbing, drinking to excess, and eating junk food. While the SA System of the Adventurer holds the discipline, a lack of a strong connection with the rational brain will cause the emotional brain to override all his hard work, and he ends up acting against himself by going for instant gratification instead.

The following are the key activities that promote the use of our SA System, especially when we find ourselves reacting to our emotions. They support us to develop and strengthen the required neural pathways. With practice, these activities become automatic and your brain will no longer default to the behavioral patterns of the SP System. You need to understand these activities—what they are, why they are important, how to use them—as well as assess the extent to which you are able to practice them in your life today. If you have not developed the ability to perform these activities, then demonstrating them regularly needs to be included in your development plan.

Instructions: Read the description of the activity and then rate the extent to which you do it in your day-to-day life. Complete the practice exercise to strengthen your SA System and ensure that you can do it (rather than just “know” how to do it). If it is not an activity for which you answer Always or Mostly, you will want to include it in your Planner in step 2 (chapter 15) as part of your development plan to strengthen your SA System.

Build self-awareness:
Self-awareness is the ability to observe oneself and recognize thoughts and feelings as they occur. It is the ability to see the self separate from what is experienced and therefore recognize what we want to pay attention to. This means you don’t have to listen to yourself complain about your teenage daughter for hours on end, thinking the same negative thoughts, and giving yourself ulcers! With self-awareness, we are able to define ourselves and then observe our behaviors and how they align with our self-definition. We are aware of a self that experiences feelings rather than defining ourselves by them, that is, “I feel anxious; therefore, I am an anxious person.” It involves acknowledging and accepting your feelings, especially those that are difficult. With self-awareness, you become curious rather than judgmental about yourself and your behavior, eliminating negative self-talk that triggers the SP System. Self-awareness also helps you build a realistic self-concept and self-image without needing to inflate or deflate it.

Self-awareness also includes self-care, which is the ability to be aware of your physical, mental, and emotional needs, and to attend to them in a consistent fashion. It is the realization that you have a self that you must be conscious of and not ignore or neglect. If you don’t take care of your physical and emotional health and well-being, it can end up undermining your development. It’s like going on a grapefruit diet. Sure you’ll lose weight, but in the process you will negatively affect your health. When the diet is over, you put the weight back on.

Practice:
Identify a couple of current situations that are triggering difficult feelings for you. List the feelings you are actually experiencing as well as any negative self-talk about the situation or the feelings that you notice (e.g., “I said yes to helping my friend with his move even though I need to spend time with my children”; “I am angry with myself and tell myself I am a chicken for never saying no to anyone.”) Notice how being upset with yourself becomes the focus of your attention and how you judge yourself.

Practice reflection and insight:
The rational brain is the only brain with insight into itself. Without it, we don’t have the ability to ask ourselves why we are reacting to something with such anger or upset. Many blame other people for making them feel the way they do. However, our feelings are a direct reaction to a stimulus and not the fault of the other person. By reflecting on our feelings, our behavior, and our impulses, we gain insight into ourselves and develop self-awareness. It also strengthens the connections between the three brains, making it easier the next time the same activator occurs to respond in the new way. The more we use this self-questioning approach, reflecting on our emotional experiences and reactions, the more we are able to meet and negotiate to get our needs met.