Who Are You Meant to Be? (24 page)

Visionaries must recognize when they are overloaded and need to get away from it all. It doesn’t really matter what they choose to do—go to a movie or art gallery, or take a drive—as long as they are by themselves. A change of scenery or activity usually helps to break thinking patterns that are driven by fear. Effective activities could also include getting outside, exercising, or simply getting a good night’s sleep.

Achieving Their Full Potential

It is their depth of insight and understanding that distinguish the Visionary from other Styles. They see the world from another perspective. Not just what it is, but what it could be. They live their lives envisioning how the future could unfold if everyone embraced their higher selves. To them, a utopia exists, as does the possibility of self-actualization. The Visionary is a Striving Style with the potential to understand things at a very profound level. Visionaries’ caring and concern for humanity, their intellectual abilities, and their rich inner lives are only some of the gifts they bring to the world. When Visionaries are able to hold the tension between their perceptions and the existing reality long enough to deeply understand the true situation, their visions can change the world.

C
HAPTER
T
EN

THE SOCIALIZER—STRIVING TO BE CONNECTED

I’ll reach out my hand to you

Just call my name and I’ll be there.

—“I’ll Be There,” Hal Davis

I
F YOU WANT TO
find a good hairdresser, need a plumber for that leaky faucet, or are looking for contacts to help your niece get a job, the Socializer is the person to talk to. Socializers go through life building their social network, making connection after connection, like a real-life Facebook with friends of all ages and walks of life whom they have touched through their many interests. Socializers have to meet and chat with someone only for a short while to make them feel like they’ve been “friended.”

Because of their gregarious and outgoing nature, Socializers inject energy and enthusiasm into any social situation. Often lively and entertaining, they take great pleasure and personal satisfaction from generating good feelings in other people and in themselves. They are quick to give compliments and seek the positive in people, making others appreciate and enjoy having them around. They are enthusiastic, charming “people people,” as well as social organizers in all settings. The effervescent head of the parent-teacher association who’s friendly with nearly every parent in the school and uniquely inspires others to pitch in, the charismatic manager who seems to know intuitively how to connect with the sales team, the person who approaches that uncomfortable-looking soul at the party and puts him at ease—those are Socializers.

Often friendly and chatty whether you know them or not, Socializers communicate with ease and are seldom at a loss for something to say. They usually develop communication skills early in life as a means to connect to others. This early development translates into excellent interpersonal skills in adulthood. In fact, it sometimes seems like Socializers were born to help others. They are the older sibling who was always in the kitchen helping Mom while you were watching TV. Or the kid who volunteered to stay and help the teacher after school when everyone else had flown the coop. They love to help and to be seen as helpful. This lets them use their gift for seeing human potential, whether it is in their friends, children, coworkers, or a hapless stranger in a line at the movie theater. Intuitive and empathetic, they are typically patient listeners and always have a word of advice to offer someone in need of help.

Socializers focus on what’s happening outside of them and don’t spend a lot of time reflecting or doing things on their own. They are the women who get together every year for a “girls’ weekend” or the men who arrange a weekly poker game. They have their lives organized so that they can be with someone most of the time, preferably in the context of being “in the know” about what is going on with everyone. The person who rounds up long-lost high school friends for a twenty-year reunion is likely a Socializer. Socializers love to talk about other people, and although they will try hard to keep a secret, it’s a challenge for them to do so. In fact, it’s not uncommon for Socializers to become reporters or writers, or to work in other media-related roles so they can dispense information about people. Consider Barbara Walters, for example:

Barbara worked her way up through the ranks of a male-dominated industry to be the queen of interviewers, achieving the coveted role of doing interviews with the stars before the Oscars. Using one of the Socializers’ innate talents, she is able to establish connections with people quickly and to make them feel as though they were intimate friends.

With a vision for where she wanted the interview to go, Barbara established a reputation for getting people to lower their guard and reveal personal information they never intended to disclose. Barbara knows intuitively what will interest the public and how to get this information without alienating her interviewee. Her connection to people is as important as the information she coaxes from them.

What Makes Socializers Tick?

The part of the brain that Socializers live in is responsible for establishing and maintaining the social order of the group or society they belong to. Socializers therefore strive for harmony with others—in their beliefs, values, dress, and behavior. This means that they are constantly appraising how people look, act, and behave on the basis of their book of social norms. Many Socializers work hard to keep etiquette alive and dress according to convention even when it has gone out of fashion. This doesn’t mean they are unfashionable. It means that even when the dress code at work allows casual clothing, they will still dress in a suit, according to their job and social status. They will remind others to keep their elbows off the table when eating and don’t allow their children to wear sweatpants to school, even though all the other kids (and teachers) do.

In an age where civility and charm are often left by the wayside, Miss Manners reminds us that etiquette and grace never go out of style. She deftly answers…readers’ questions about correspondence and guest lists, but also weighs in on such varied subjects as jealousy, mooching friends, dating fiascos, in-laws, loutish co-workers and dreaded invitations one seemingly can’t get out of politely. From rude texters to pushy “helicopter parents,” Miss Manners has the proper response for all of us who long for a return to common courtesy.

—Miss Manners

Socializers, by using their right emotional brains, are constantly judging and comparing themselves and others to what they have deemed the appropriate social behavior. To feel safe and to make everything right in their world, they need others to conform to the same social order that they believe in. For this reason, Socializers often take the lead in societal, familial, or political roles. They tend to focus more on their own judgments of events or of people’s behavior in situations than on the events or situations themselves. For the Socializer, feelings are facts, and Socializers talk about feelings in a way that says, “You should believe this too.” They will often believe something is true because they feel it is true, despite fact-based evidence to the contrary.

People often go along with what Socializers are saying because it can be difficult to reason with them. Theirs is a fuzzy logic that comes from an emotionally driven value system. Their manner of judging people quickly judges everyone’s behavior and then pigeonholes them as good guys or bad guys. For example, if someone behaves rudely, that person is forever a “rude young man.” If someone is doing work with the homeless, she’ll be “that wonderful young woman with the heart of gold.” Should Socializers have a disappointing dining experience, they will eternally refer to the restaurant as “that disgusting Italian dive.” You get the picture. Socializers have a full repertoire of words they use to describe people, places, and things, and are free and easy in using them.

Because their right emotional brain is most active and focused outward, they often speak in stream-of-consciousness style, which can be little more than a monologue of critiques loosely strung together. A drive in the country might sound like this:

Look at that house! You’d think those people would fix it before the thing falls down on them! I don’t understand some people—why they don’t take better care of their homes? They probably spend all of their money on beer. Or maybe they’re waiting for PBS to come and feature them on
This Old Crappy House.
Oh, there’s the store. It was closed the last time we drove by here and the shopkeeper was really rude to me when I knocked on the door because I knew they were still there. What was the big deal, I ask you? People just aren’t as helpful as they used to be, don’t you think? Like my friend Sara, who I didn’t find helpful at all last week. I was trying to get to my appointment on time and I couldn’t get off the phone. You’d think I had nothing better to do that listen to her problems. And can you believe they still haven’t fixed this section of the road? With all of the money we pay in taxes…

They can go on indefinitely, and their monologues are often laced with humor and playfulness. You only need to stand there and listen. In spite of their critical streak, Socializers are often the life of the party because they’re basically warmhearted, extraverted, relationship-oriented people who place great importance on getting together and socializing with others. Socializers work hard at making any occasion a lively one, even if it only involves two people. They are at their best when they can mix and mingle with their large network of friends, coworkers, and family.

Relationship Style of the Socializer

Socializers make excellent companions and mates because they are deeply devoted to their partners. They like spending time entertaining and being entertained, and their home is often the place where friends and family gather. They like to have their partner with them at the center of their social framework, participating and enjoying it as much as they do. Although Socializers don’t really need to spend significant amounts of time exclusively with their mate, they take pleasure in getting to know their partner’s likes and dislikes and making their partner feel special by remembering his or her favorite dessert or bottle of wine. There is no effort too great in this regard, as Socializers want to show their partners how much they care.

Socializers idealize their relationships and they will do whatever it takes to mold others into whoever they are capable of becoming—often on the Socializer’s time line. They have insight into what others can do and will offer their advice, financial support, and energy toward helping them. They believe it is their job to help the other person, who is not living up to the Socializers’ expectations. Because of this tendency, Socializers may unwittingly push their partners, family, and friends too hard by setting the bar too high with implied expectations that can’t be met. A Socializer mother might say, with good intentions, “Why don’t you take some of my lasagna home with you? I know you’re a terrible cook.” Or the well-meaning Socializer husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t I run the kids to soccer practice? Your driving makes me nervous anyway.” They seem to offer you a tasty carrot with one hand and use the other hand to smack you with a stick. In their hearts, they feel their actions are in the best interests of everyone involved.

Both Princess Diana and I were, in our ways, manipulative people, perceiving quickly the emotions of others and able instinctively to play with them, all in the cause, of course, of the greater good.

—Tony Blair

Socializers enjoy taking care of the needs of others, as though this were the paramount contribution one could make in a relationship. They may even believe that their partner and others love them because of their special, helpful qualities. Socializers will do everything for their partner if the partner allows it, taking over simple things that their partner could easily do but may not get around to. They may insist on cooking and cleaning up because they feel a sense of their own ability to “take care of things” when doing this. A partner can easily become dependent on the Socializer; this turns problematic when the partner stops doing anything at all. The Socializer will then start to complain about his or her long-suffering martyrdom. Should the partner offer to take over doing some of the work, the Socializer will refuse, melodramatically insisting, “Don’t worry about me; I’ll just take care of everything myself!” It’s not just that the Socializer wants to suffer; it’s that to accept help would mean giving up his or her power in the relationship.

These loving and caring individuals provide understanding, closeness, and emotional support to their partners, children, and friends. They place a high value on communication and try to keep the lines of communication open. They like to be the one who gets to define the social order in their relationships, advising others how they should behave, what they should wear, and whom they should talk to when they go out. They can be quite tyrannical when it comes to appearances. They want others to see what a perfect relationship they have or how perfect their children are, and they place a lot of importance on how this reflects on them. Should their children not behave appropriately, Socializers can become cold and punishing. It’s as if a wall goes up inside of them, leaving the disappointing person out in the cold. They see whatever transgressions someone has made as motivated by a desire to hurt, embarrass, or get back at the Socializer for something, and the Socializer will make the person pay for those transgressions. No one plays the role of the long-suffering giver in a relationship like the Socializer does. “How could you have acted that way, after all I’ve done for you?” is a well-rehearsed line in their favorite melodrama, called
I Give So Much Better Than I Get
.

On a road trip, Susan (Socializer) and her partner Ted (Artist) stopped to get gas. There was a promotion offering a choice of popcorn, coffee, or a doughnut if you filled your tank with more than ten gallons of gas. As Susan was filling up, she told Ted to go in and get popcorn. When they were back on the road, Susan opened the popcorn and offered it to Ted, who declined. “What?” she said, unable to believe her ears. “But I got it for you because I know how much you like popcorn. You always eat popcorn, and I wanted to do something nice for you.” Ted started feeling the deep freeze coming. Not wanting to have to bear the next four hours in silence, he ate the popcorn, but he was miffed at having to do something he really didn’t want to do. Susan, however, was beaming. “I knew you’d like it,” she said.