Where Love Finds You (The Unspoken Series) (14 page)

As I drove to Heidi’s house I imagined Lydia curled up on my bed with one of her favorite books. Feet poking out of the bottom of the sheets because she always felt hot. You’d never know it though. If you touched her skin you would mistake it for an ice cube. The way she looked at me when I’d walk into the room. Always inviting me to come snuggle up beside her with that cute look in her eyes. I loved her. I knew I did. But that’s just it. For the last few months I knew that I loved her, but I couldn’t figure out if that still lived in the present tense.
Did
needed to stay
do
, and I wasn’t so sure anymore.

I pulled up to Heidi’s house and before I knew it we were finishing up the paint in her bedroom. She didn’t say much this time. Neither did I. We painted as music filled the gaps of our brief conversations until she broke the silence.

“I wanted this room to be these colors because it reminds me of his body the last time I saw him.” She wiped her face. “Blood on pavement. Crimson and grey.”

I can only imagine how high my eyebrows lifted just then.

“It’s not just that,” she smiled. “It’s also the colors from our honeymoon night. The floor was a grey just like this and he had berry-colored rose petals all over the place.”

I tried not to imagine the scene.

“I don’t ever want to forget seeing his lifeless body because it reminds me of that first night we spent as a married couple, full of life. Both his death and his life. I want them to go hand-in-hand. I want to remember them together. I can’t live as though he’s still here, but I also can’t live as though he’s gone. Besides you, I never want another man in this room. Ever.”

“Wow.” I continued to paint the room, not making eye contact with her. “Gavin is very idealistic and I am too, but you and him have this steady nature that I just can’t wrap my head around.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, my idealism is a true hopeless romantic. Key word, hopeless. I tend to set my standards above reality and hope for things that are hopeless. You and Gavin have hopes, but your idealism doesn’t send you flying to the moon. Maybe sometimes Gavin gets the tip of his head in the clouds, but he’s never far from the ground. I have no idea how you guys balance your extreme idealistic views with such temperance.”

She sniffed and laughed a little. “No one has ever said that to me. Most people just think I’m crazy.”

“Maybe you are, but compared to me you are pretty grounded and sane.”

“You don’t seem as bad as you make yourself sound.”

“Ask Gavin. He lives with me. He knows.”

She laughed again. “I don’t feel very grounded.”

“Maybe that’s the wrong word. I just mean you guys make a decision, as crazy as it may be, and you stick to it with joy and passion. I can’t say I don’t envy that.”

“So you’re saying you are indecisive?”

“Yes. A crazy, passionate, hopeless indecisive person with no direction.”

“I don’t think so. You have your own business, which seems pretty successful. From what I hear you are a great musician with a lot of talent. You have direction.”

“In those things.” I finished the last stroke of paint and placed the roller down on the drop cloth. “Not in love.”

“Tell me more about Lydia. You’ve mentioned her several times, but you don’t go beyond mentioning.”

I rubbed my chin and looked at Heidi’s curious eyes.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“No. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I have no idea what to say because I have no idea what I feel.” 

“Are you dating other people right now?”

I picked up a few things and sealed the paint cans, then looked at Heidi again. Arms crossed, slight smirk, something Lydia has done so many times in her playful little way.

“I’m open to it,” I said. “Gavin wants to set me up on blind dates, but he’s done that once and it was a total disaster. Not sure I want to try that again.”

“Are you hoping to find someone better?”

“Not at all.” I wiped my hands on my jeans. “I don’t think of women in that way.”

“What way?’

“I don’t rate them on scales. No woman is better than another. Without the wild daisy the rose wouldn’t seem so elegant. They all have their place in the garden, just not sure which garden I want to plant myself in.”

“What if you don’t have to worry about that?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, what if where you are planted is exactly where your wife is planted, but you don’t know it yet?”

“Right. That’s just it. How do you know it? When do you know it? Is Lydia mine or is it someone else?”

“In my opinion, if you don’t know it, then it’s not right.” She shook her hair out of her pony tail and swooped it all back up again. “When it’s the one, you know.”

“What if there isn’t a one? What if I’m just supposed to choose? And what if Lydia never comes back to me, can’t blame her if she doesn’t, and no one else comes along? What if I’m single for the rest of my life because I didn’t take the one option I had?”

“That doesn’t sound romantic for someone who considers himself a hopeless romantic.”

“Okay.” I laughed. “Maybe I’m just hopeless.”

I don’t even know why I agreed, but I did. Gavin laughed as I walked out the door to pick up his choice for my second blind date and pending calamity.

“It will be fine,” Gavin said as I shut the apartment door.

Right, I thought as I jogged down the stairs. He didn’t even get to know these girls. He just shipped them my way for testing. At least the last one walked out on me. That made it easy. Last thing I wanted was to break another girl’s heart. I still couldn’t get Lydia’s face out of my head that last time I saw her. Sometimes I’d pick up my phone to text her and ask how she’s doing, then I’d stop myself. I knew I’d only bring her more pain. She probably had my number blocked anyway. I’m sure lines of nice guys were waiting at her door for a chance with her.

She deserved better than me.

I got in my truck, hit play on my iPod, and a few songs later I arrived at my date’s house. Hopelessly unromantic. I didn’t even feel nervous this time, just got out of the truck, walked to the door, and assumed a crazy lunatic would open the door to greet me in a few minutes, take one look at my paint-stained jeans, and walk back inside.

No, I didn’t even change my clothes this time. No need to impress anyone. I wanted to be myself. And right now myself didn’t feel like trying or caring.

I knocked on the door of a small suburban house. 

Waited.

Another minute.

Rang the doorbell and knocked again.

A few seconds later the doorknob jiggled and a beautiful face smiled at me. Wait a second. Beautiful doesn’t do it justice. This girl looked like she belonged with on a Calvin Klein billboard, not around my arm.

“You must be Matthew?” she said, eyes sparkling in the setting sun.

I nodded. “And you must be Olivia.”

Pretty sure that was the first time my voice cracked since tenth grade science class when Britney Morris sat next to me and asked to borrow my pencil eraser. That was the last she spoke to me and I imagined my date with princess Olivia wouldn’t go too far either. Leagues above me. Leagues. What was Gavin thinking? And why didn’t he go on a date with this girl? They’d make a better couple for sure.

“Are you okay?” She smoothed her hair behind her ear as I tuned back into my life, wishing I could change the channel.

“Sorry. Long day at work.” I fiddled the keys in my hand. “You ready?”

She came outside and stood beside me. Long blonde hair gracing her body well beyond her shoulders. Slender, curvy frame. Simple earrings and makeup. Black flat shoes, blue jeans, and a white tunic hugging her hips and highlighting her neck. Stunningly simple. Beautiful. Out of my league.

I looked at the holes in my jeans. “Sorry I didn’t change clothes first.”

“What?” Her smile could intoxicate me if I let it. “I kind of like it. Rugged.”

“Yeah.” I laughed and walked toward my truck. “I guess that’s me.”

She followed. I opened the passenger’s side door and watched her hop into the seat. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t attracted to this girl, but really, what on earth was Gavin thinking?

I walked around the truck and opened my door. “You aren’t a vegan, are you?”

She smiled. “No, vegetarian. Why?”

“Are you going to flip out on me if I eat something that once lived and breathed on this earth? Because if so, you might want to run back inside before it’s too late.”

I sat down and turned the keys in the ignition.

“Bad blind date experience last time?” she said, big green eyes fixed on me.

“Did he tell you?”

“Maybe.” She held back a laugh. “I won’t get upset with you for eating the flesh of another living creature, but your body might.”

I accelerated the car and looked ahead. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, I’m not a vegan so I do eat animal products, but I’m choosy about which ones. Animal flesh just isn’t my friend. If I eat it I feel horrible afterward.”

“Well, can’t say I have that problem.”

“Yet. You might not be saying that when your clogged arteries are being cleared out before you turn fifty.”

“So, where do you want to go?”

“Right now?”

I nodded, still looking at the road ahead. What an odd date. I kind of felt bad that I didn’t care enough to try to be a charming date. Truth is, I couldn’t get Heidi out of my head. Until I remembered her growing stomach with a living person inside of it.

“Is that okay?” Olivia interrupted me.

“Sorry. What did you say?”

“How about we go to the movies?”

I nodded again. “Can you type that into your phone and see where the nearest one is?”

“Sure.”

The GPS on her phone directed us to the nearest movie theatre as we talked about normal things like we’d known each other for years. She didn’t seem to care about my nonchalant demeanor. If she knew me better she would have realized that I was in a bad mood and didn’t really care if I ever saw her again, but I couldn’t help but realize how sweet-spirited she was for such a beautiful girl. 

That sounds bad. What I mean is that most gorgeous girls I’ve met seem to be uptight and more concerned about reapplying their lipstick than anything substantial. That’s not me. If I were a character in
Lord of the Rings
I’d for sure be a hobbit. Simple.

I decided to use that as a conversation starter. “If you were a character in
Lord of the Rings,
who do you think you’d be?”

Her sweet smile brightened the car as I opened my door and walked around to her side to open hers.

She took my hand and stepped out. “
Lord of the Rings
is my favorite movie series ever. I watch it once a year.”

“Really?” I smiled. “Me too. Gavin is more of a
Braveheart
kind of guy. I sit through that with him and he sits through
Lord of the Rings
with me.”

“You guys are so romantic.”

We laughed. Our eyes met for a second. A second that made me believe I could possibly allow myself to like her. I looked away and shook the thought.

“Let me guess,” I said. “You’d be Arwen?”

“I’m not as predictable as you think.” She opened the door of the theatre before I could open it for her. “See.”

“Okay, so you like to be a little manly sometimes? In other words, you’d be Eowyn?”

We laughed again. I opened the second door for her and we entered the dimmed theatre.

“I would be Legolas,” she said.

“Legolas? Don’t you have to pick a woman?”

“You never said I had to be a woman.”

“Well, aren’t you a woman?”

“Sure I am. Arwen is a nice character. I love her strength and femininity. I love that she fights for her love and would give up her entire life for him. Literally. That’s one of the most beautiful scenes. The one where she says she’d rather spend one lifetime with him than a thousand without. I love that so much. Eowyn is a little too fighter-spirited as a woman for me. I don’t have that much gusto and don’t like the idea of women fighting in wars. But I love the elves. There’s something so beautiful and faithful about them. And Legolas, I mean, come on, who is cooler than Legolas?”

“That’s funny you say that because he is my favorite character. I’d definitely be Legolas if I had my choice, but I’m probably more like a Samwise in reality.”

“Does that make Gavin Frodo?”

“Gavin is Aragorn. No doubt about it. Handsome. Kingly. Passionate, but quiet and reserved.”

“You make him sound so appealing.”

“I’m surprised you don’t think so.” 

“He’s not my type.”

I walked up to the cashier. Olivia followed behind and stood close to my arm. Close enough to smell her soft jasmine scent.

“Any ideas on what to watch?” I said.

She shook her head. Delicate smile pressing into her slightly pink cheeks.

I chose the movie. No romance. No comedy. Just a normal drama flick. Figured middle of the road was the best choice for a first date. After paying for the tickets we walked to the back and found our theatre number.

“So.” I opened the door for her. “What is your type?”

She walked in the theatre, leaned back, and whispered in my ear. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”