Where Love Finds You (The Unspoken Series) (13 page)

But it’s not.

Sarah tapped on the passengers side window, pausing my journey into the past. I unlocked the door. 

She sat down, hands in her lap.

I waited.

She beamed. Ear to ear.

“Good news?”

“I told you I’m not going to let this get me down.”

“What happened?”

“It’s called a cone biopsy. They’ll try that first, it may be enough. If not, I won’t be able to have children.”

“You’re smiling?” My heart quickened. “Does this mean you have cancer?”

She nodded. “I’m smiling because you told me to. Don’t tell me not to.”

“It’s okay to react to this, Sarah. You are only human. I am too. This scares me.”

“Honestly, he made me feel a lot better in there today. He explained it all to me and he’s pretty certain that this will be all better. I know it’s depressing to think of my future without pregnancy and labor, but it will be okay. At least I’m alive. At least I’m here. I have a chance. What worried me before was the unknown. What if I went in there and he told me it’s too late? What if he gave me a few months or weeks to live?”

“I know. I can’t even imagine hearing those words, especially this young.”

“That’s what scared me the most. This seems curable. It seems promising. For now, I’m going to enjoy my life and not think about tomorrow, because fact is we could die any moment.”

Images flickered in my mind like an old film. The car accident. His lifeless body. My broken heart. 

“You’re right,” I said. “I need to heed that wisdom too.”

Weeks passed. I took care of Sarah and she took care of me in another way. Her spirit drove nails into my self-pity. At first I thought she faked her joy and smiled because I said she should, but the more time passed the more I realized she couldn’t possibly be faking it. She got scared, like any normal person would. She cried, she worried, then she smiled and hasn’t stopped since.

I picked up my purse from the dining room table and called to her, “Smells like you’re cooking something good, huh?”

“Too bad you have to work. I’m making southwest breakfast burritos, all organic and local produce.” 

“Save one for me. I’ll be back for lunch.”

As I walked to my car I thought of her new adventures. All organic, no meat. All natural cleaning products and no more makeup and hair stuff. She researched a lot and believed cancer would go away if she got rid of the toxins and ate better. I hoped so.

Living with her, I decided to change the way I ate and lived too. We both decided to give up makeup, which neither of us wore much of anyway. We made our own deodorant, shampoo, cleaning products, and pretty much anything else you can think of from toothpaste to conditioner. I’m amazed at how many uses coconut oil can have. I noticed a difference in my own health and hoped she would too. Cancer is not something I ever wanted to see my best friend go through, especially not so young. 

The few positive things I can say that had come from that experience is that Sarah started trying new adventures, we both got healthier, and I almost immediately stopped living in the past and hoping for the future.

Together, Sarah and I decided to live for today. I reminded myself this as I walked to work. The sound of locusts, the brink of autumn, everything made me feel good. Peaceful. At rest. I just hoped it would last.

I unlocked the door of the cafe and turned the sign to “Open,” then meandered around and looked at the art on the walls. I loved my little cafe. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself as the owner of anything. I thought for sure I’d end up playing violin my entire life, traveling the world in great symphonies, doing something that involved the art I so loved, something other than selling it on the walls of
Chances
.

Yet, chance gave birth to
Chances
and the only option I had was to accept it and give it all I could.

I walked behind the counter and organized a few things, turned everything on, refilled the receipt paper for the cash register, and handled a few other things before customers would pour in for a good morning treat. I looked up and noticed a man at the front window. He looked away. Something about him looked familiar, but I couldn’t place it. He looked back up. I looked away. 

One of those awkward moments. He was actually attractive. If only I could bring myself to make eye contact with him, I thought. When I looked back he was gone. Not meant to be, I guess.

I walked to the front door and caught a glimpse of him before he turned the corner across the street. Converse shoes. Barely tied. My heart raced.

Could it be him?

The him?

I opened the door and realized the sign was turned to closed. How did I manage that?

Someone tapped my shoulder. I jumped and turned around. 

“Scare ya?” Dee said, huge smile stretching her cheeks to her ears. “What are you doing out here?”

“I think I saw the Converse shoes guy. Does he have blondish hair?”

“Yep, that’s him alright. He normally comes in right as we open. Says he has some job with a widow or something and he’s been going every day for the last few days or weeks, I can’t remember.” She took a breath. “Did he come in?”

“No. We just made eye contact. I had the closed sign up without realizing it.”

“Interesting. Did he look like Mr. Right?”

“Maybe. I can’t remember details. That night went so fast it feels like a blur in my memory, but crystal clear all at once. I remember his shoes. Yes, they matched the shoes that guy was wearing, but who wears the same shoes for a decade? The guy I saw today had blonde hair. I don’t remember his hair color because he had a hat on that night. I remember his eyes, but to be honest, I don’t remember them well enough. I just feel like when I see him I will know, and I didn’t know when I saw this guy.”

“Well, how do you imagine you will know for sure?”

“I guess I assume he will remember me, we’ll look at each other across the room, and everything will fall into place like a magical movie scene.”

She laughed. “Are you serious?”

I smiled and opened the door of
Chances
. “Only forty-percent.”

“What do you really think will happen?”

I walked inside and behind the counter. Dee followed. 

“I’m going to make myself a coffee,” she said. “Want some?”

“Sure. I’m going to go back to the office now and go through my daily phone calls. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.” She turned toward the coffee machine. “And I didn’t forget about my question, but I know you have no idea so you can answer me when you do.”

I smiled and walked to my little nook in the back of the cafe. Dee thought she knew me so well, and she did in many ways. We spent most days together. But she never knew me well enough to figure out what my silent moments meant. Sarah could figure me out most of the time. Other than her, people always misread my hushed responses. I liked that. And I couldn’t wait for the right man to come along. The man who would be able to read me as though I’m literally a part of him. Because I would be a part of him. 

I sat down in my chair and looked at the stack of papers in front of me, then pictured myself feeding my kids chocolate chip pancakes instead of sitting in an office. It didn’t make sense. All of this life stuff. Most of my friends found the man of their dreams and started a family shortly after. The man of their dreams. I don’t have enough fingers to count the amount of weddings I’ve been to in my short life. Teary-eyed joyful weddings. Some have been happily-ever-after, some not so much, but either way they found someone to spend their lives with, for better or worse. Sarah’s health concerns definitely helped me find contentment, but every now and then when I sat in front of these papers, at this same old desk, I couldn’t help but wonder how much longer I needed to wait to find the man for me. Would I find him?

I guess that’s the bigger question. Does he exist? Is he a fantasy? Are my expectations too high?

Dee came in and set a steamy cup on my desk. “What’s going on in your mind? You look deep in thought.”

“Oh, I don’t know Dee. Just seems like an eternity when you’re waiting for the one thing you’ve always wanted. Remember what Christmas Eve was like as a kid? That complete anticipation of what was to come. You knew you were going to get gifts, but what would they be? Would you get what you wanted? You could barely sleep, barely dream, just toss and turn and stare at the window until a ray of sunshine told you it was morning.” I sipped my coffee and waited for her reaction. She didn’t have one, so I continued with my rant. “I guess I feel like that, only more intense. I want to open the gift already, but at the same time I wonder if the gift will be anything like what I wanted. And if it’s not, will I be happy with it anyway?”

She sipped her coffee. The bells rang in the front of the shop. I nodded and she walked out to greet the customer. Maybe I didn’t want to hear her response anyway. I knew it was selfish of me to think that way even as a child. Why didn’t I care more about giving presents? I always wanted to receive them and when I didn’t get everything I wanted I actually got depressed. So depressed that I couldn’t enjoy the few gifts I did want, because I didn’t receive every single gift on my list. Yes, Dee would have definitely reminded me of this. She seemed like a tough girl on the outside. Many people had mistaken her for a self-centered person because of her appearance. She did spend a lot of money on her punk rocker style, but underneath she cared more about others. She always helped others. Went completely out of her way, and like most people besides me . . . she just lived without wishing for things she didn’t have.

Eh, she’s younger, I’d tell myself. Wait until she’s thirty and still single. 

Yes, I responded to myself, but you made this choice.

Sarah’s smile lit up my thoughts. So much more to life than this nonsense. I really needed to stop thinking about marriage so much.

Dee entered the room again. “So?”

“What?”

“Ready?”

I blinked a few times. “Ready?”

“There’s a man out here who would like to see you.”

“Are you kidding me?” I motioned for her to close the door. “What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything. There’s a man out here who asked to see you.”

“What kind of man?”

“Would you just go see him?”

I looked around the room, unable to feel my own body anymore. “Is it the Converse guy?”

“Go look for yourself.”

“I can’t.”

“Ella. Seriously. Get up out of your chair and go meet the guy.”

I managed to get out of my chair and walk toward the door. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing.” 

Her smile made me feel uncomfortable.

I peered around the door frame and laughed. “You are horrible, Dee.”

I greeted the UPS driver, signed my name, and accepted the rather enormous package.

“Now, tell me this,” Dee said. “If you are truly ready for Christmas morning, wouldn’t you run down the stairs and open the presents with excitement?”

I nodded. “You are too much.”

“Well, wouldn’t you?”

“It’s different. I’m shy. Meeting men has never been easy for me. Why do you think I’m in this position?”

“You’re in this position because you want to be. You’ve chosen
the one
over
just anyone
and that’s what has made you most content. It’s only when you start comparing yourself to other people that you lose your marbles.”

I set the package down on the floor in my office. “I don’t really compare myself. I do wonder how everyone around me has found love, but I can’t seem to find it. You are right, though. I’m choosing the one over just anyone and I believe he does exist. Some days my mind gets foggy. I feel like I’m getting old.”

“You’re going to be thirty, not ninety. You have plenty of life ahead of you.”

“Yeah.” I cut the tape off the box and opened the flaps. “Wonder what this is.”

Bells rang from the front door and Dee disappeared. I managed to find my way through the protective shipping wrappers and a familiar shape caught my attention. Who would send me this? I gently pulled out the beautiful, antique violin and ran my fingers down the strings. Seemed to be in great condition, probably could play beautifully right out of the box. I searched for a card or a receipt, but saw nothing else in the box besides the bow and the violin it belonged to.

On my way to Heidi’s house I stopped by
Chances
again, but the sign said they were closed. I looked at my watch and peered inside. A pretty woman stood inside, doing something behind the counter. She looked at me, then away. I looked at the sign again and considered waiting, if anything I wanted to introduce myself to the girl inside. We made eye contact again, but she looked away and continued setting stuff up behind the counter. Definitely a pretty girl, but I had to get back to the truck before I got a parking ticket. I parked by a meter without any coins to buy me some time. I figured I’d be quick, but it didn’t look like she planned on opening the door anytime soon.

I looked at her one last time and jogged back to my truck. I know it’s not right that I enjoyed spending so much time with Heidi, but I did. Maybe it was innocent. I don’t know. What I do know is that I loved being with her. Something about her made me want to be better, live better.