When It Rains: The Umbrella Collection (16 page)

My nerves were bouncing all over the place inside as time ticked closer to the meeting
.  I laid down on the bed on my side with my face aimed at the wall.  As nervous as I felt to go to this meeting, I was even more so nervous when I thought about being away from Pops and them.  I didn’t know life without them, but I was soon to find out.

The clock str
uck the time for the meeting. I put my sweatshirt on and headed out the door. There were people in the hall this time and I immediately felt uncomfortable.  There was one girl standing at the end of the hallway facing the corner and wasn’t moving except for her mouth.  There were horrific screams coming from down where she was standing that echoed throughout the halls. I went into the meeting space and most of the chairs and such were already taken so took a seat on the floor against the wall.  Everyone kept staring at me as if I was some zoo animal and they were waiting for a reaction from me.  As soon as I felt something looking at me, I focused my eyes to theirs and stared at them intensely until they looked away.  Elizabeth, Nancy and another person walked in and sat at the three chairs up front that were facing the audience. 

This other person was Dr. Rosenberg; she had a short black bob haircut and had deep brown eyes.
  Dr. Rosenberg spoke about an upcoming trip to some museum.  She strongly believed in the power of art therapy.  She also told us that Amanda wouldn’t be returning after the incident from last night and that’s all she would say about that.  Nancy then pointed me out in the crowd and told everyone to welcome me to Ashford.  As everyone turned to look at me, their eyes didn’t speak anything welcoming to me.  They were more like daggers trying to stab me with their sight.  This is going to be fun.

12

Tomorrow.  You’re Always a Day Away.

   
The rest of that first night, I kept to myself, even though the
voice
kept telling me to mingle with the other patients.  Which I found out of character for it.  It has always tried to get me to segregate myself from everyone around me and now it was trying to get me to become best friends with the crazies.  I slept like a baby with the help of a sleep aide them gave me along with the rest of my meds. 

I awoke that morning by a knock at the door.
  I crept over to the door and opened it.  There was this blonde haired girl I saw at the meeting yesterday; her stare wasn’t as evil as the rest.  She looked about me age.  She looked like she hasn’t bathed in awhile.  Her hair was matted to her head and she had these scabs all over her face that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of. 

“You can stop staring at my face now.
  I was told to come get you.  I’m Suzie,” she said as she looked at me up and down.  I wanted to hit her for looking at me like that, but it was against the rules.  After I grabbed my sweatshirt and slippers, she walked me down the hall.  The whole time she spoke to me she was trying to get information out of me.  She seemed like the Mr. Garrison of this place, “So, do you have a drug habit or something?” I didn’t respond to her I just walked down the hall looking around.  “Did you try to kill yourself?” she asked and I still didn’t answer.

After about the tenth question, I wanted to change the subject and asked “So, what happened to that Amanda they were talking about?”

“Oh, she went ballistic the other night; throwing chairs and tables at the nurses.  Somehow she got her hands on a knife and stabbed a nurse as she sat at her desk.  She was fucking crazy, man.  Nuts,” she told me as we reached a door and suddenly stopped, “H
ere.  Dr. Rosenberg wants to see you.”

I knocked on the door and I heard her tell me to come in.
  When I entered I was embraced by a known smile as Dr. Gable, who was sitting in a chair in front of Dr. Rosenberg’s desk, stood up and walked over to me, “Hey, how was your first night?”

“It was okay.”

Dr. Gable introduced me to Dr. Rosenberg and we talked about the problems I have been having and the
voice
was brought up.  I told them that I have been hearing it again ever since I was told that I was coming here and that it is the single most important thing to me to get rid of.  I would do anything.  .

They spoke of things that I have to do to get better, “Take your medications the way you are supposed to, talk about your feelings when you feel them, do all you can to fight the
voice
,” Dr. Rosenberg said.  I like her. She reminds me of Dr. Gable in that I don’t feel judgment placed upon me.  She listens when I speak and looks at me in my eyes.

The remainder of the day was filled with group meetings that were filled with eyes staring at me.
  I found myself wishing a newbie would come in, so some of their eyes would attach to them.  In one meeting where we were talking about substance abuse, there was a guy that sat by himself with his arms crossed around his chest and his back against the wall staring at me and he didn’t try to hide it.  I looked once back him and he licked his lips and that put a stop to my gawking back.  He disgusted me.  He was really dirty looking with an overgrown goatee.  He had more hair on his face than he did on the top of his head.  There were a few strands in random places, but most of it was bald.  His finger nails were crowded with dirt beneath them and his clothes were stained by last night’s dinner.  I tapped Suzie on the shoulder to ask who he was.

“Oh, him?
  He is harmless.  Just don’t pay attention to him,” she said.

I felt uneasy with his eyes on me and when the meeting was over I was glad to get away from him.
  I quickly made my way to my room and closed the door behind me, but remembered that the rule was to leave it open during the day at least two inches, so I reopened it a bit.  I don’t like that rule.  I feel too out in the open.   

I was reading the Harry Potter book that Skylar bought me for my birthday while I waited for visitation hours to come.
  I’m hoping that Pops meant what he said and would visit me.  As time reached almost three o’clock, I got up to see if anyone was here to see me.  As I opened my door I smacked into something and I looked up and saw the face of the man that had been staring at me.  His shirt smelled of cigarette smoke and his goatee was touching my forehead.  I drew myself back in disgust and then tried to push him aside, but he didn’t move.  I struggled to get past him with my legs and arms trying to squeeze themselves through the opening he left on the side of him and finally I was able to get by and walked up to the nurses’ station.  He laughed and walked away.  My anger defused when I saw Pops and Mike standing there waiting for me.  I forgot the creepy guy even existed.  My feet moved so fast that I practically ran up to them.  I completely overlooked a fight between another patient and a nurse going on a few feet from us.  We sat down and I informed them of the comings and goings of this place and that I wasn’t the biggest fan of it, but that I liked the doctors a lot.  It was so nice to see them being that they brought me peace amongst the chaos. 

A few days went by and it was the same thing day in and day out.
  Breakfast, lunch and dinner were given at the same time every day and medication distribution was the same.  I liked that aspect though.  I knew what to expect and when.  Meetings changed every day depending on what nurses and doctors where there.  The only thing I didn’t like was the creepy guy staring at me at every meeting and whenever we sat to eat.  His eyes followed me everywhere. I saw Dr. Rosenberg pretty much every day.  Talking to her like she was my best friend.  I knew opening myself up to her would be a difficult, but an important thing. The
voice
was still around.  At a session with Dr. Rosenberg, she asked about the
voice
and I told her that I don’t hear it as much which I liked, but it still comes around every now and then.  She said she thought the medication was beginning to work, but I still have to fight against the
voice
and teach my mind to ignore it.  Sooner or later, it will be completely gone.  She told me to try a technique where when I hear, I should begin to sing a song above it, even if I have to scream it.  I have to teach my true voice to surpass and overpower the other detrimental voice. 

Today was the museum trip and I was excited to go.
  I was starting to believe that art therapy was a good way to let some emotions out.  I enjoy painting and making collages to express myself and each time I walked out of the therapy room I felt more relaxed.  I had just gotten out of the shower and dressed when there was a knock on my door and a voice telling me that the door has been shut for too long.  I opened it and hurriedly finished getting ready.

“Why bother putting on makeup?
  You will always be ugly and disgusting,” the
voice
said.   I tried with all my might to fight what he was saying with thoughts; it’s words against mine and so far, it has been the winner.

I walked to the end of the hallway where everyone was lined up and stood in line while I put my coat on.
  Suzie was in front of me and the creepy guy was a few people back.  I don’t like him behind me; I couldn’t watch him there.  So, I stood with my body turned to be able to watch him better.  I don’t have even an ounce of trust for him. 

Dr. Rosenberg came out and explained to everyone where we were going and the behavior she demanded from us.
  We walked out of the double doors and into the reception area.  Through the glass windows I saw that it was raining.  I spied the bus that was supposed to carry us all to the museum and how there was no awning leading up to it.  I quickly left the line and went up to Dr. Rosenberg and told her I couldn’t go out there.  That there was no way I could. 

“Just put your jacket over your head, Nora,” she said and guided me back to the line.

“No, you don’t understand.  I can’t do it.  I need an umbrella,” I said as teardrops began to trickle from my eyes.  My body began to tremble as I pleaded with the doctor.  It seems as though through the meetings with her I didn’t tell her of my umbrella obsession and problems with the rain.  How I depend on them to get me through the droplets and that they have never touched my skin since I was little.  She tried to pull away from me after putting me back in line, but I wouldn’t let her go until she heard my intensity.  My fingers closed into my palms tightly as I grabbed her by the jacket.  I was gasping for breath as the sobs became wails and the wails became painful attempts to catch my breath. I fell to the floor at her feet.  Nancy and Dr. Rosenberg dove to retrieve me.  Before they could pick me up the creepy guy walked up to me and without saying a word, drew his hand back in a fist and punched me across my left cheek. 

I fell back down to the ground and the ladies dove at creepy guy, tackling him to the ground.
  Suzie helped me up as blood gushed from my eye.  I looked around and saw everyone once again staring at me and a pile of people on top of a screaming creepy guy, who’s name I found out to be Zach.  They were all yelling at him to stop fighting. 

The nurse that was at the reception desk buzzed me back through the double doors and I r
an to my bathroom holding my blood oozing eye.  I looked in the mirror and saw that my eye was already swollen and discolored.  The tears that fell mixed in with the blood that was dripping and covered the sink as it trickled off my chin.  There was a knock at the half closed door and I saw Dr. Rosenberg standing there with a few red marks of her own.

“What the hell is wrong with him?” I angrily asked her as I put pressure on my eye to try and stop the bleeding.
  That was a good sign since I could; no broken bones.

“He has a tendency to have violent outbursts,” she said

“You might want to warn people of that!”

“We all thought that he had them under control.
  I’m really sorry,” she said as she came closer to me to take a look at Zach’s damage.  She then left to start Zach’s transfer out of Ashford into somewhere else.  Hopefully, it would someplace that resembled or was a prison.  She also said she was going to call Pops to inform him of what happened.  Nancy came in with gauze pads and tape to patch up the cut that was still bleeding. 

“You got what you deserved,” the
voice
shouted.

Within the hour, I went to the hospital and back to get
  stitches and Pops, Brian, Alex and a ranting Mike showed up to check up on things.  Mike was fuming because he thought they shouldn’t have had Zach admitted with the rest of us if he was a danger.  Dr. Gable, who came after he heard what happened, was trying to calm Mike down to no avail.  When they saw me they all let out a gasp.  Not only was there still blood crusted around my face, but my eye was swollen a few inches from its origin and it was a nice shade of indigo. 

Dr. Gabl
e finally quieted down Mike.  Dr. Rosenberg reassured them that Zach will be leaving and he was in a secure room waiting a vehicle to come take him away.  After they left, Suzie told me that word around the ward was that Zach was hoarding his pills in his dresser, so he wasn’t getting his medication. 

I was trying to fall asleep that night in bed, but I was unable to get comfortable due to the bulging side of my face; the side I sleep on.
  I was thinking about the past few weeks and how bad it had gotten, but that I was lucky to have the people in my life that I did.  Pops, my uncles, cousins, Skylar and Scott have all been up here visiting me throughout the days and I noticed that most people in here don’t have many people.  I have never seen anyone come for Suzie.  The blonde Taylor has her dad come by.  Steven’s grandmother comes and Jenny’s mom does too, but that’s it and there are 30 other people here.  Granted, I don’t speak to any of them.  But that is what I’ve seen.  It’s somewhat sad.  As soon as I thought about my family though the harsh words I said to them that night at dinner crept into my mind.  I didn’t have a chance to talk to them about it since I tried killing myself. I’ve been a little preoccupied.  I need to apologize to them when I get out of here. I heard a sudden burst of noise within my head that made me throw my hands up to my ears.