What to Expect the Toddler Years (74 page)

These extra-difficult toddlers were, like yours, difficult babies who cried and were tough to handle as infants, and are even tougher to handle as toddlers.

Knowing you’re not alone—that some 25% of parents are in the same rocky boat—may not help a whole lot. But commiserating with these parents, swapping stories and exchanging tips, may. So look for other parents with difficult toddlers and consider setting up a support group. (Post a notice about starting such a group on the bulletin board at your pediatrician’s office—you may find yourself swamped with responses.) Learning what makes your difficult child difficult and what you can do about it is also helpful. The box starting on page 200 de scribes the basic difficult-temperament types, as well as some techniques for coping with each.

Keeping the following points in mind may help you learn to live with—and value—the special person she is:

There are many personality “types” and many combinations of types—and there are always some individuals who represent the extremes in each category. Extreme traits need not be viewed as abnormal or negative. The very qualities in a toddler that drive her parents to distraction at age two may make them very
proud of her at twenty-two. Extremely difficult children, when handled with wisdom and patience, often end up becoming extremely motivated, hard-working, successful adults.

Your child’s inborn temperament is not her fault. She cannot change who she is to any great degree; when she is acting according to her nature, she is not being “bad” or trying to torture you—she’s being herself. It’s as unfair to punish her or criticize her for behavior that’s not within her control as it would be to punish her for her eye color or her inability to carry a tune. (Your child’s inborn temperament is
not
your fault, either—even if she seems to have inherited that temperament from you or from someone in your family.)

Accepting a child for what she is rather than constantly struggling to change her into something you’d like her to be will help you to appreciate and nourish her inborn nature, to make it an asset rather than a liability. It will also help your child’s self-esteem and sense of worth and value.

“My toddler loves to draw with crayons, but not on paper. Today I walked into his room and found that he’d scribbled on the walls with bright red crayon. Should I take the crayons away from him until he’s old enough to use them properly?”

In your toddler’s mind, he
is
using them properly—he’s drawing with them. By confiscating the crayons you’re depriving him of artistic expression. Drawing should be encouraged, not banned.

This doesn’t mean that you should give your mini-Michelangelo the go-ahead to take his crayons and turn your home into his version of the Sistine Chapel. Your toddler needs to know that drawing on walls isn’t acceptable. (Slip-ups will probably happen, however. If the walls in your child’s room aren’t washable, you might want to consider repainting them with nontoxic washable paint; see page 625.) But you do need to be mindful—and respectful—of his intentions, which, in the case of his bedroom mural, were artistic, not malicious. So, aim to redirect his crayon creativity:

When you catch your toddler in the midst of redecorating, count to ten before responding. Remember that he is probably very proud of his work, and expects those who love him to be proud, too; attacking his efforts may not only sting his self-esteem but discourage future artistic endeavors. Or, if he enjoys the attention his wall art stirs up, it may prompt him to repeat the deed.

Instead of assailing your toddler’s art work (“Look at the terrible mess you made on the wall!”), calmly explain that his choice of canvas was a mistake (“That’s a beautiful picture you drew, but you shouldn’t have drawn it on the walls”).

Then, while his creative juices are still flowing, sit him down, and show him that “paper is what we draw on.” The larger the sheet of paper, the better the chance his crayons will stay on it, rather than straying onto the floor, table—or a nearby wall. A roll of paper, which can be unrolled as he fills up space, can be particularly satisfying to the toddler artist. Taping the paper to the floor, a table, or an easel will keep it from moving out from under his inexperienced touch. Don’t hover over him as he works, but do keep an eye on him to be sure he doesn’t return to working on the wall.

To further reinforce the message that walls aren’t for drawing on, have him “help” clean up with his own wet cloth (if you use any cleanser on his cloth, be sure it’s nontoxic). Don’t have him use a sponge; he might take it into his mind to nibble off and swallow a piece.

Make time every day for supervised drawing, so that your toddler has plenty of opportunity to express his artistic nature. When you can’t supervise his art projects, keep crayons out of his reach.

Finally, display his art work proudly on your walls and refrigerator. Appreciation of his “on paper” creations is likely to inspire him to turn his artistic energies in that direction.