What to Expect the Toddler Years (69 page)

Help your child develop good social graces to go with his good intentions. Get a little formal with him. When he comes into your room in the morning, greet him with, “Good morning, it’s nice to see you,” or an equally polite phrase. Greet him graciously, too, perhaps with a handshake, after his nap, after a play date, or when he comes home from the park. Put on your best company manners with other members of the family, too, and encourage your toddler to do likewise. See page 130 for more tips on teaching manners to toddlers.

“Whenever we go out with our son, he wanders off to look at this or that, or runs ahead of us toward the street. We’re constantly chasing after him, and we’re going crazy.”

For many parents of toddlers, the chase is on from the moment they step outdoors. Their young are off and wandering—to the left if their parents want to go right, to the right if their parents want to go left, full speed straight ahead if there’s a busy intersection on the horizon—turning outings into ordeals and leaving parents exhausted and frustrated.

A wandering toddler is not propelled by a compulsion to annoy his parents (well, maybe sometimes), but rather by a drive to discover. That his path to discovery often isn’t the same as the path to the supermarket doesn’t quell his quest; that running off or running ahead might prove hazardous doesn’t daunt him.

While it’s necessary to protect your toddler’s safety and your schedule (the road taken by toddlers inevitably adds an hour to your traveling time), it’s also important to encourage his explorations and start teaching him some basic street smarts. To accomplish all of these goals, you’ll need to begin thinking in terms of two kinds of outings:

Parent-in-charge outings
. Some places can be dangerous to explore: a crowded sidewalk, the middle of the street, a garbage-strewn curb. When safety is at stake or when you’ve got a lot to do in a little time, your toddler’s curiosity has to take a back seat. Make it clear in such situations that he can’t run ahead or lag behind, that he must hold your hand or ride in his stroller. He
may
be more willing to agree to these stipulations if you keep him occupied with questions, challenges, or observations about what you see around you, or with a round of silly songs or nursery rhymes (see page 156).

Like a puppy, a toddler doesn’t know enough to keep himself safe in potentially dangerous situations. He needs to be taught not to run out into the street or into a crowd without you; to stop, look, and listen at every corner; to never go out into the street alone; to “stay” when and where you ask him to. Your child can only learn these lessons if he has the freedom to walk on his own some of the time. If during a training session he even
looks
as though he’s going to head for the street or insists on running off when you’ve said he must stay at your side, pop him right into the stroller (if you have one along), seat him on a bench for a “time-out,” or firmly take hold of his hand. Calmly explain that he can’t walk on his own unless he’s big enough to obey the rules. Be firm and consistent in enforcing those rules—allowing him to run ahead one day and not the next will doom the lessons to failure. Teaching a toddler to be reasonably street-smart takes a lot of patient but resolute repetition of the same rules, outing after outing, but it’s well worth
the effort. Children and puppies who don’t develop this street sense (and those always on a leash invariably don’t) are at the greatest risk of quite literally running into trouble. (Teaching your toddler to obey consistently used “traffic” commands, such as “stop” and “go” or “red light” and “green light” will also help keep him safer.) At the end of his third year, you can let him race ahead
if
he agrees to stop at an agreed-upon spot and wait for you, and if he can keep his word. But it won’t be until about age ten—when a child’s visual perception is mature enough to be able to judge the speed and distance of an oncoming vehicle—that he will be able to safely cross a busy street by himself.

Your toddler also needs to know that wandering away from you may result in getting lost. Explain this, but don’t frighten him unnecessarily by warning him ominously of strangers who might “steal” him or police officers who might arrest him if he leaves your side.

Toddler-in-charge outings.
When time permits and the route you’re taking is reasonably safe, let your toddler guide the expedition, dawdling to kick a mountain of snow or rushing ahead to see a cat slink under a parked car. Just strap yourself into some running shoes, and be ready to take off when he does. He will get infinitely more satisfaction (and gain more knowledge) out of his explorations if you play co-explorer with him—pointing out that the acorn he found came from that oak tree, or that the dandelion he’s smelling is yellow, or that the rock he’s proudly displaying in his palm has some shiny spots in it that are called mica. Don’t, however, monopolize his investigations or overintellectualize his findings; remember, he’s leading the excursion.

And, of course, provide constant supervision—it takes only a second with your head turned away for a toddler to run off into a crowd or dart into the street.

“My daughter’s fingernails and toenails get very long and dirty. But she screams and struggles whenever I try to trim them.”

The average toddler would rather eat her spinach than have her fingernails trimmed—and for a couple of good reasons. First, having parts of her pared off by a clipper or a pair of scissors (even when they’re wielded by a friendly parent) is frightening. A young toddler isn’t likely to understand (or remember) that nails don’t hurt when they’re cut or that they grow back afterwards. Second, the process, for safety’s sake, requires restraint. Not only must she sit still (that most dreaded posture), but she must have her hand and fingers held motionless by an enveloping adult hand.

Nibbling a young child’s nails off with your teeth is not a good idea; it could tear the cuticles and teach a toddler that nail biting is a habit to cultivate. Still, nails need trimming. Not only can long nails harbor dirt and germs even when hands are clean, but they can, both intentionally and inadvertently, cause harm to self and others. Though nail trimming may continue to be a hotly disputed issue for many years to come (until it’s replaced by nail biting or cuticle picking), these tips may trim some of the trauma:

Use a blunt instrument
. Baby scissors, with their blunt safety tips, or small nail clippers, are good for trimming a toddler’s nails. Don’t trade these in for pointed nail scissors at least until your child’s old enough to be counted on to hold still.

Turn the scissors on yourself, first
. Make a point of trimming your own nails (as well as those of other willing family members) in front of your toddler; it’s
possible she’ll want to be next in line when she sees how much fun you’re all having.

Perform underwater
. Warm water soothes toddlers and softens nails, both of which may make nail trimming less of a trial—so try scheduling your toddler’s next manicure when she’s fresh out of the tub.

Try a game
. A made-for-nail-trimming version of “This Little Piggy” may be distracting and help replace screams with giggles.

Trim in her sleep
. Chances are your toddler will be most cooperative about nail trimming when she’s asleep. Work quickly and quietly, and it’s possible she won’t wake up during the procedure. If she’s a very light sleeper and/or has a hard time going back to sleep once she’s been awakened, it will be easier to do the job right before it’s time for her to get up—just in case.

Friends. For many adults, the word summons up dozens of cherished childhood memories: lazy summers at the lemonade stand, after-school games of hopscotch and tag, touch football on a crisp autumn afternoon, sledding and snowball fights after a winter storm, notes passed back and forth in second period math class. Everything good about being a kid.

Others have memories of being on the sidelines, watching the friendships of others blossom, feeling lonely and left out. Everything difficult about being a kid.

Whichever snapshots of their own childhood the word “friends” conjures up, parents are generally eager for their toddlers to make friends and begin experiencing the joys of friendship. They often despair when their toddlers don’t play “well” at play group, when they won’t share their toys, when an afternoon with a peer at the park turns into World War III.

Hang in there. There are friends in your toddler’s future. But the kinds of friendships you may remember longingly don’t form in toddlerhood; at this age, children aren’t capable of sociability in the adult sense. Still looking out largely for themselves, the majority of toddlers don’t yet possess enough empathy for others to work or play harmoniously in pairs or groups. To most toddlers, the only person who matters is “me.” The only part of give-and-take they can relate to is “take.” The only agenda that counts—theirs. On top of all that, toddlers are still shaky on matters of right and wrong, almost totally devoid of social graces, and basically unable to control an impulse (to throw a toy at a companion, to knock over someone else’s block tower, to pinch the nearest arm when they are irked).

Nevertheless, over the next couple of years these little antisocial beings can learn to share and cooperate, to be sensitive to the feelings of others, to work out disagreements with words instead of aggressive actions, in short, to become friends. You can help your toddler reach that point by doing the following:

Focus on self-esteem
. Children need to feel good about themselves before they can reach out to others (see page 292).

Socialize with your child
. The first chance toddlers get to socialize is with their parents—at the dinner table, on outings, at the playground, reading, playing games—so remember to model appropriate social behavior. Don’t always be the magnanimous parent, giving your child first choice from the crayon box, first crack at the puzzle, first bite of the muffin you’re sharing. And when playing a game, don’t always let him or her win. Encourage sharing, sticking to the rules, saying “please” and “thank you.” Chat about what you are doing and what you see in a way that elicits your toddler’s response and helps develop conversational skills. Without making it obvious, role-play the kind of social situations your child may find him or herself in.

Start one-on-one.
It’s easiest for most toddlers to socialize with only one other child at a time. So arrange frequent one-on-one play dates, especially if your child tends to have difficulty in larger groups. Select children your toddler seems to get along with best, keep the play dates short (limit them to about an hour at first), and be sure there is plenty to occupy both children. Never, however, force a playmate or a play date on your toddler; it’s not only unfair, but it’s likely to meet with rebellious resistance.

Stay away from threes.
For toddlers, three isn’t just a crowd, it can be a social nightmare. Too often, one of the three (usually the least aggressive and least socially experienced) in the group will suffer at the hands of the other two.

Don’t expect togetherness
. Unless your toddler has been in a play group for a while, most interactions with peers will be what is known as “parallel play”—they’ll play side by side in the same space, but not necessarily together. But look closely, and you’ll see that this parallel play really serves as the primitive beginnings of social interaction. While two children may be chattering loudly to themselves, seemingly absorbed in their own play, each is also aware of the other. You can catch them sneaking looks at, observing, imitating, and, of course, often grabbing from their playmate. By the end of the year you can expect to see more actual interaction.

Encourage cooperative games
. Some activities lend themselves to togetherness more than others. Block play, ball-playing, pretend play (such as “house” and “hospital”), hide-and-seek, tag, joint creative projects (baking, arts and crafts), circle games (“The Farmer in the Dell,” “London Bridge”), and games that require taking turns will give toddlers the experience they need to begin fostering friendships. Of course, en route to cooperation there may be an increase in less desirable social behaviors, such as grabbing, hitting, hair pulling, and pinching. (See page 190 for tips on dealing with aggressive behaviors.)

Stay neutral, and stay nearby.
Since toddlers can be unpredictable and volatile, supervision is critical in early socializing. Keep a constant watch on toddlers at play, even if all seems relatively quiet, and be ready to step in should conflict suddenly break out. Don’t take sides, even if it seems to you that one child is clearly in the wrong. Simply break up the skirmish calmly, and march the troops off to a quiet, supervised activity. For more on dealing with play-group combat, see page 190.