What to Expect the Toddler Years (70 page)

Don’t get personally involved
. It’s difficult to learn to put your child’s feelings first, but that’s a big part of what being a parent is all about. Letting your feelings get in the way of your child’s social life
just isn’t fair. If you’re gregarious and your toddler is shy, don’t let your frustration over this state of affairs make you force socializing on your child or criticize wall-flower behavior. Nor should you let your friendship with another parent, embarrassment that your child is the one acting up, or anger that your child is getting hit, put your toddler at a disadvantage.

Enlist support
. If your child is in preschool or day care, but is nevertheless hesitant to mix, turn to his or her teacher for help. The teacher can often encourage a more gregarious child to draw the shy child into the group (this usually works better than the teacher trying to do the same job).

Accept your toddler’s social style
. Each child, like each adult, has a very personal approach to socializing. Some are social butterflies from the start, others are destined to be happier with just one or two close friends at a time. Some rush into every new situation with enthusiasm, others hold back and prefer to watch from the sidelines until they’re ready to make a move. Remember, too, that some children, the
observers,
never seem to want to make that move at all (see page 215). And that’s okay.

Take note of potential problems.
Annie may want to make friends, but her aggressiveness gets in her way. Jamie may want friends, too, but his shyness is the obstacle he has to overcome. It makes sense to help a child deal with such issues as aggressive behavior (see page 190) and shyness (see page 405) before they cramp his or her socializing style.

Offer plenty of opportunities for practice.
Children who have lots of early exposure to other children—in a large family, in a play group, on their block, in day care—tend to socialize sooner. If your toddler hasn’t yet had such experience, consider joining or forming a play group (see page 108 for ideas on how to do that), or at least making frequent trips to the local playground in addition to arranging single play dates.

But apply no pressure
. Parental pressure to socialize at an early age doesn’t usually help toddlers win friends and influence people. In fact, given the contrary nature of this age group, it could make them more antisocial. Given plenty of time and space your toddler will ultimately discover that child’s play is, in fact, fun.

Watch toddlers interact with animals and you might conclude that tykes are indeed made of snips and snails—and created to
pull
puppy dogs’ tails. And to torture sleeping cats, chase flocks of pigeons away from their afternoon snack, and squash slugs wriggling their way across the sidewalk.

Unfortunately, toddlers tend to be even less kind to animals than to playmates. Animals—like vegetables, minerals, and peers—are merely objects to
be manipulated for a toddler’s private entertainment, investigated for his or her personal edification. That these creatures have long ears, tails, fur, feathers, or other interesting appendages or coverings, makes yanking, tugging, squeezing, squishing, pursuing, and tormenting them all the more tantalizing.

But just because animal “torture” is all in fun for toddlers—they certainly don’t realize they’re doing harm—doesn’t mean it’s acceptable behavior. Teaching young children to have respect for the rights of animals is as important as teaching them to have respect for the rights of humans. Not teaching your child to be kind to animals can have an adverse effect both on the animals your toddler may encounter (many creatures are defenseless against curious toddlers) and on your toddler (when an animal who
can
defend itself does so). To start your toddler off right:

Go hunting for animal friends.
Exposing toddlers to different kinds of animals in different settings can help them feel more comfortable around winged or four-footed creatures. And we tend to be kinder to those we are comfortable with. Happy and safe hunting grounds include cousin Jan’s house with her four cats, Grandma’s with her three dogs and the parakeet, pet shops, the zoo, the park.

Books are another wonderful place to hunt for new and different animal friends. Start with simple books with large, easy-to-distinguish pictures of familiar farm and domestic animals. Then move on to more exotic species. Toddlers particularly love books about baby animals or about animals they are familiar with (such as dogs and cats).

Bring home your “catch.”
Having a pet at home can greatly enhance a child’s empathy for animals. If you don’t already have a pet, consider adopting one. A couple of goldfish, a guinea pig, or a hamster will be easier to care for than a dog or cat while your toddler is young, but will be less fun (see page 72). If you’re not up to the responsibilities of owning an animal, try hanging a bird-feeder in your backyard, deck, fire-escape, or tree on your street. Your toddler will enjoy watching the feathered friends as they stop for a nibble.

Teach the fine art of petting
. A toddler’s natural inclination is to overwhelm animals with their own special brand of kindness. It’s up to you to show your toddler how to safely and humanely hug and pet an animal. Start by using your toddler’s stuffed animal collection for demonstration purposes: “See, this is how you pet Big Bird—gently, slowly. That’s right. That’s the way he likes it.” Or have your toddler pretend that he or she’s a kitten or a puppy that you can pet and scratch gently (alternatively,
you
can be the pet and let your toddler do the petting).

If your toddler has a fear of animals, take steps to eliminate it (see page 84). And be sure to teach caution with unfamiliar animals (wild or domestic), as described on page 85.

Tell your toddler where it hurts.
Explain that “animals have feelings, just like people, so we must be careful not to hurt them.” That “tail pulling, ear pulling, fur pulling, kicking, dragging, and foot-trampling hurts animals as much as they would hurt you.” And that such actions are absolutely off limits. Some animals are more forgiving of physical insult than others, but any animal is capable of revenge; for your toddler’s sake (and the sake of the animals in his or her life), this lesson is vital. See page 85 for more on keeping your toddler safe around pets.

Teach the gentle art of observation
. Watch an ant crawl up its hill and disappear,
a squirrel cracking open a peanut, a butterfly fluttering from flower to flower. As you watch, talk about the ant going home to its family, the squirrel being hungry for its lunch, the beauty of the butterfly. Occasionally, catch an insect in a clean jar to observe it more closely. But always let it go, explaining that it wants to go back to its home. Strongly discourage the kind of wildlife-bashing that is often common among junior naturalists: squashing worms trampling ants, and pulling wings off of captured moths.

Don’t let your toddler tease
. Teasing animals—waving a bone out of a dog’s reach, pretending to eat out of the cat’s bowl—is not only unkind but potentially dangerous. Explain that it’s not nice to interrupt an animal’s nap, bother one while it’s eating, or take away its toy—animals don’t like being treated rudely any more than people do.

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

use an object in imitation (by 19½ months)

use a spoon/fork (but not exclusively)

run

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use symbolic play and words, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; uncommunicative, passive, or withdrawn; highly negative, demanding, and stubborn. (Remember, the child who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. This developmental gap continues to narrow and generally disappears entirely around age two.)

. . . may possibly be able to:

combine words

identify 1 picture by naming

name 6 body parts