What to Expect the Toddler Years (131 page)

“English is a second language for both my husband and myself, which we feel has hindered us somewhat. So we speak only English to our child. But our parents are upset that he doesn’t speak
Spanish. Will teaching him Spanish now interfere with his English?”

No, it won’t. In fact, your parents have a point. Speaking a second language can be a very valuable asset. When that second language links an individual to his roots and culture, it is even more valuable. But nothing’s been lost by waiting until now to start. Many language experts, in fact, recommend two and a half to three years as the perfect age to introduce a child to a second tongue. Introducing it earlier tends to slow down the development of both languages (though in most cases, the child eventually catches up); waiting until the child is reading in English may ultimately limit fluency in the second language.

There are many approaches to teaching a toddler a second language. One parent can speak English to the child, and the other the second language. Both can speak the second language, and the child can continue building his English proficiency in day care or preschool. Or the parents can speak English and the grandparents, if they live nearby, or a full-time caregiver can speak the second language—a method that doesn’t seem to work as well. A single parent speaking both languages to the child, interchangeably, is the most confusing approach and makes it harder for the child to sort out which words belong to which language.

Whichever tack you take, be sure that the “teacher” is fluent in the language being introduced and uses it exclusively when speaking to your child. Also be sure that your child is immersed in the second language for hours each day, and that games, books, songs, and DVDs are used to increase both enjoyment and learning. Once in school, your child should learn to read and write his second language to consolidate his skills. (Since few elementary school curricula include a second language, you’ll probably have to attend to this at home.)

“We’ve always been fairly casual about nudity in our home—we let our daughter shower with us, and we’ve never hesitated to dress or undress in front of her. But now that she’s over two, we’ve started to wonder whether it’s healthy to let her see her father nude.”

Many parents have concerns about cross-gender nudity at this age; many others don’t give it a thought. Whether you feel comfortable with nudity is, at least partly, a remnant of (or backlash against) your own upbringing. Be sure to factor your feelings into any decision about whether to take undressing behind closed doors.

You also should take cues from your child. Some toddlers are completely oblivious to parental nudity. But at some point, most will become curious about the private parts of others—pointing, asking questions (“What’s that Daddy has?”), and even tugging at the object of their interest. Such curiosity should be handled with composure, and questions answered simply but accurately. It should also prompt, no matter what the child’s age, an end to cross-gender nudity.

Even if a child doesn’t show any such interest, family nudity could become a problem by age three, when it’s believed that some children unconsciously become sexually stimulated by parental nudity, and are confused and embarrassed by these feelings. So it’s probably wise to start donning bathrobes and segregating showers by your toddler’s third birthday. You can explain such a change by saying, “Now that you’re older, you need to have some privacy, and so do I.”

On the other hand, undressing or showering with a same-sex parent may help foster positive feelings in a child
about her own sexuality. A mother who’s comfortable about undressing in front of her daughter can continue to do so indefinitely, as can a father who’s comfortable undressing in front of his son. Some little boys, however, may express anxiety over the size of their penis in relation to their father’s. This anxiety can be relieved by explaining that all parts of a child’s body (hands, feet, and legs, as well as penises) are small, and that they will all grow as he gets older.

More important than the actual practice of family nudity is the attitude and feelings of parents about their own bodies and those of their children. Probably, both extremes of parental attitudes—the Victorian cover-the-body-at-all-times view and the let-it-all-hang-out stance—are the least desirable in terms of raising children with healthy attitudes about their own bodies. What children need to learn is that the body, naked or covered, should be respected and taken care of; it should be considered beautiful, rather than embarrassing. And most important it should be under the control of the person who inhabits it.

“No sooner do I get my daughter dressed than she’s taking her clothes off.”

Your child’s partiality for her birthday suit doesn’t mean she’s destined for a spot in a Las Vegas chorus line. Spontaneous disrobing is very common between the ages of two and four, and for several reasons. First, toddlers who’ve just learned how to undress enjoy practicing this new skill. Second, they derive satisfaction from demonstrating control (“You can dress me, but you can’t
keep
me dressed”). Third, they relish bucking the system, testing everything and everybody, and, especially, getting a shocked reaction from onlookers. Finally, they often find running around bare is simply more comfortable.

This penchant for undressing will pass—and as with most phases, it will pass more quickly if your toddler isn’t pressed. In the meantime:

Let her practice on someone else. Give your toddler a doll or teddy with easy-to-manipulate clothing so she can try her hand at socially acceptable undressing. Stay close by to help her, though, since redressing is a much tougher task for little fingers, and may result in frustration.

Let her go bare. Temperatures in the house permitting, let your toddler romp in the raw to her heart’s content—or at least until it’s time to appear in public (if she’s not yet potty trained, watch out for accidents!). If you think she’s ready to learn, though, take advantage of her nudity—some parents find it easier to train a bare-bottomed tot (see page 543).

Don’t allow her to go bare when it’s inappropriate. Explain that people don’t walk around with their clothes off outside of the house because they like to keep their bodies private. When it’s necessary that your toddler keep her clothes on, try dressing her in outfits that are rather difficult to remove (overalls, blouses that button in the back, jeans with a belt).

Don’t let
your
inhibitions inhibit her. Overreacting to your daughter’s undressing can convey the message that she should feel ashamed of her body—which could set her up for an unhealthy body image later in life.

But don’t laugh at her naked antics, either. Your amusement could prompt her to indulge in more of the same.

Eventually, as new challenges capture her attention, undressing will lose its allure. In fact, by age four or five, you
may find that your child takes a turn for the puritanical; many preschoolers are intensely private about their privates. For now, avert your eyes and avoid commenting on her exhibitionism.

“The other children in my daughter’s play group are starting to go to all kinds of classes—art, gymnastics, dance, even science. It seems to me to be overkill. Am I kidding myself and short-changing our child?”

Being two years old can be hard work these days—far harder work than it should be. Between gymnastics classes, art classes, music classes, movement classes, play groups and play dates, and often, day care or preschool, some toddlers are carrying schedules that would exhaust the most energetic and organized adult.

For these overworked toddlers, exhaustion is often just one of the potential side effects of their heavy schedules. Others include sleeping problems, eating problems, irritability, and excessive clinginess. Overscheduling also deprives a child of time to do nothing, to play on her own, to relax, to think.

Junior burnout doesn’t only affect a toddler in the short term. Being pushed too hard in a particular area, such as music or dance, for example, can cause a child to lose interest, often by the time she’s reached school age, even if it’s an area in which she is naturally gifted.

What’s an appropriate schedule for a toddler? That depends on the child and her parents. For some children, particularly those who attend day care or preschool and/or spend a lot of time socializing in a play group or at play dates, even one class may be too many. For others, one or two short classes a week—even on top of an already active schedule—may be fine. For children who get little stimulation at home and wouldn’t otherwise have much contact with peers—and for their parents, who may also benefit from interaction with other adults—two or three weekly classes may happily fill a social void.