What to Expect the Toddler Years (20 page)

Lend an ear
. Toddlers love chattering to themselves as they play and don’t require a full-time audience. But when they direct their chatter at someone else, they (like anyone else) need to feel they’re being listened to. When your toddler addresses you, give him the respectful attention he deserves. Don’t pick up the phone, turn to speak to your husband, continue to read the newspaper or watch TV, or walk into the next room. Stop, make eye contact, and listen, even if you don’t completely understand what’s being said (see page 424).

Sharpen her ear
. Sharpening your toddler’s auditory acumen will help with deciphering the nuances of language. Listening to conversation is important, but so is listening to the birds singing, the telephone ringing, the buzzer buzzing, to sirens and running water. Point out these sounds and listen to them together.

Speak when you’re spoken to
. Even you if you don’t have the slightest idea of what your toddler has just said, you can respond with, “Hmm, that’s very interesting” or “Is that so?” But before you write off what your toddler is saying as gibberish, try to read body language, facial expressions, and other visual clues. If he’s headed for the door, sweater in hand, an appropriate response might be: “Would you like to go out? We’ll be going out in a few minutes.” Is she rubbing her eyes and whining? Then try, “Are you tired? Do you want to take a nap now?” Is he gesturing or pointing at the refrigerator while talking? If so, ask, “Do you want a drink? Do you want a piece of cheese?” Sometimes you’ll guess right, and even if you don’t, your child will be delighted that you responded. When you just don’t get it, there may be frustration and tears. Either way, immediate feedback will provide your toddler with the motivation to keep speaking.

Provide air time
. Sometimes young children don’t speak because they aren’t given the opportunity—either because their needs are anticipated before they express them, or because everyone around them is always talking, hogging the air time. So be careful to leave an occasional opening for your littlest conversationalist. Eventually, it will get filled.

Once more, with feeling
. Repeating what your toddler says in other words (“You want milk?” “Yes, that is a doggy.” “You want to go out?”) does double duty. It shows you understood what he or she said and also gives you an opportunity to correct mispronunciations in a natural, nonjudgmental way. Using an animated, conversational tone of voice, with plenty of rises and falls, helps to maintain interest.

Ask away
. Researchers have found that even before toddlers are capable of supplying answers, asking them questions is one of the best ways to spur their language development. A good way to begin is to give a youngster who has few
words (but can shake yes, nod no, grunt, and point) the opportunity to give these simple responses (“Do you want your snack now?” “Show me which book you want to read.”).

As your child becomes more verbal, you can try for more verbal responses. If your toddler points at a ball or motions toward a book, don’t hand the desired object over immediately. Instead, ask “What do you want?” If any sound is forthcoming, interpret it as a request for the desired object and say, “Oh, you want the ball” or “You’d like to look at this book?” If you don’t get a response, don’t press for one. Instead, help out with another question: “Do you want this ball . . . or this book?” Accept a grunt, nod, or pointing finger as an answer, but then translate it into words for your toddler: “Ah, you want the book. Here it is.”

When your child initiates a conversation, instead of simply restating what you think has been said, ask for more information. “Do you want to go out?” Pause to allow for a reply. “Where would you like to go?” Pause again. “Would you like to go to the park?” But don’t put on too much pressure and never insist on getting an answer. If your toddler gets uptight when you ask questions, you’re probably overdoing it.

Get your words’ worth.
When you speak to your toddler, try to use each word in several ways. “See the bicycle? The boy is on the bicycle. The boy is riding the bicycle.” Or “Look at that bird up in the sky. See, the bird is flying. The bird is flying high in the sky.” Do the same when he speaks a word. “Yes, that’s a flower. The flower is pink. The flower is pretty. The flower smells so good. (Sniff.) Do you like flowers?” Expand and elaborate by adding descriptive adjectives (“the furry dog,” “the big book,” “the funny song”) and adverbs (“he’s walking fast,” “they are talking loudly,” “she’s eating slowly”).

Keep it simple
. Few young toddlers can follow long complicated sentences, comprehend all pronouns, and make sense out of irregular verbs. They also tend to get lost when words come at them fast and furious. Could you understand a movie spoken in French with just a year of high-school French under your belt? Remember, your toddler has had only one year of English. Speaking distinctly, audibly, slowly, and simply makes it easier for a toddler to catch on to meanings and language mechanics—and, eventually, to parrot back speech.

Act as translator
. Though you may not always understand your toddler as well as you’d like to, you probably understand him or her better than anyone else does. So step in as interpreter in your toddler’s verbal exchanges with others, translating what they say into language your toddler can more readily understand, and translating (to the best of your ability) what your toddler says in response. But don’t step in unless it’s clear that you’re needed; let the communicators have a chance to understand each other on their own first.

Support free speech
. Don’t be tempted to turn your toddler into your very own Eliza (or Ezra) Doolittle. Your job is to encourage, not push. Besides, anything that toddlers feel external pressure to do, they feel internal pressure to resist—speaking included. When your child is ready, that spigot of speech will open—and it’s likely to flow freely.

Remember that toddlers do the best they can with pronunciation, pronouns, plurals, and other rules of grammar. It will take several years before your toddler comes close to getting it “right.” Your carping and correcting not only won’t help, it may hurt. Although you should use correct pronunciations when you repeat misspoken words or can explain that the animal jumping over the moon is a cow and not a dog, your tone
should be friendly and supportive, not critical. You shouldn’t penalize your child for incorrect usage or for nonverbal requests (“Sorry, you can’t have that doll unless you ask for it correctly!”). Children who learn to anticipate criticism every time they speak often just decide not to say anything. Your toddler will learn best by hearing the correct speech of others in an easygoing atmosphere.

Remember, too, that your toddler may often hear and repeat words that he or she doesn’t fully understand. “I promise” from a toddler probably doesn’t mean what
you
think it means. It isn’t until the school years that you can count on children to say what they mean and mean what they say.

Be a cheerleader.
When your toddler says a word you understand or points to the dog in the book and remarks, “Woof-woof,” be sure to reinforce positively with a few words of praise (“Very good! That is a dog.”) Don’t go overboard with adulation, however, or he or she will begin to doubt your sincerity; even a toddler can figure out that being able to say “bottle” or “out,” though an important step, isn’t the world’s greatest achievement. Some may be overwhelmed when their utterances are met by too much fanfare, and may choose to stop uttering.

If your child’s language development is within the normal range (see page 34), but is slower than average or slower than that of a sibling or peer, don’t worry. Language development is not a sure sign of intellectual ability; in children who are otherwise alert and responsive and have had plenty of verbal stimulation at home, it’s more often related to genetic predisposition than intelligence. Of course, if your toddler’s language development lags behind normal, you should check it out with his or her doctor or nurse-practitioner. This slower rate of linguistic development may be perfectly normal for your child. If not, early intervention can often help to overcome or reduce language delay.

The British Empire had nothing on toddlers. The sun rises and sets on them, the world revolves around them. Siblings, parents, grandmas and grandpas, baby-sitters, playmates, even pets—all exist to do the toddler’s bidding. Their wishes are paramount, their needs are nonnegotiable, their feelings are the only ones that count.

That these little imperialists have a lot to learn about the rights of others is certain. That it’s a tough lesson that will take years to learn is also certain. But you can get started by observing these principles now:

Don’t play the martyred parent. Part of being a parent is putting your child’s needs before your own—most of the time. Putting his or her needs before your own
all
of the time can have two undesirable outcomes. One, it can make you feel put upon and, eventually, resentful—even if you are the most
devoted and selfless of parents. Two, it can reinforce and prolong a toddler’s imperial ways. The result: Instead of outgrowing this normal stage of development, the self-centered toddler might grow into an extremely spoiled child.

As a parent, you need to protect your rights, for your own sake as well as for your child’s. Though your rights certainly won’t be as extensive as they were before parenthood (some, like the right to sleep late on weekends and the right to make love when the mood strikes, necessarily give way to the demands of life with a small child), some of them should remain inalienable. Like the right to read a book occasionally, instead of constantly playing with a demanding toddler; to use the bathroom when you need to, rather than putting it off until your toddler gives you permission; to keep your bedroom unlittered by blocks and shape-sorters; to prevent a little visitor from kicking you out of your own bed at night.

Don’t just demand your rights, explain them. Instead of saying, “I can’t play now, I’m reading my book,” explain, “Reading my book is fun for me, just like playing with blocks is fun for you. Now I’m going to have some fun with my book while you have some fun with your blocks.” This lets your toddler know that you’re a person with needs and feelings just like him or her.

Similarly, when you need to put off granting your toddler’s request for a story until you finish a phone call, don’t just say, “You’ll have to wait!” Instead, say, “I have to talk on the phone now. I will read you a story when I’m finished.” (For more tips on getting a toddler to wait, see page 136.)

Offer an explanation, too, when you ask your toddler to respect the rights of a sibling, a playmate, or a stranger. Telling your toddler, “Your sister is working on a puzzle now. She needs some quiet,” teaches more than a brusque, “Stay away from your sister!” Likewise, explaining that, “People are trying to talk in this restaurant, and when you bang on the table, they can’t hear,” says more than, “Stop banging on the table!”