What the Duke Desires (24 page)

He broke off and stared at the woman beside him. In that moment he realized the sentiment he wanted to express. And it felt right and true and perfect.

“Lillian, you are the only truth I trust anymore. I am in love with you.”

You are the only truth I trust anymore.

Except she wasn’t truth. She was a lie, just as everything else in his life was a lie. And he deserved more. Deserved better. At the very least, he deserved to choose.

She had to tell him the truth of why she came here. And she had to do it now.

“Please say something to me,” he said with a little chuckle that was more than a bit nervous. “It isn’t every day I lay my heart out so.”

Lillian touched his cheek. “Simon, what you said, it means more to me than anything in the world. You’ll never fully understand how much it means. But I must tell you something.”

He tilted his head, clearly confused. “Tell me something? What is it?”

She drew in a deep breath and forced herself to leave his bed. It was wrong to say this while lounging beside him. She searched for her gown and managed to get herself back into it with a little effort.

“You are dressing, so I shall assume what you need to tell me isn’t something I shall enjoy hearing,” Simon said, his frown deepening.

She shook her head. “I doubt you will, but as we have learned these last few days, sometimes the truth hurts, but it is always better.”

He followed her from the bed and grabbed for his discarded trousers. As he pulled them on, he said, “Let us have it then.”

Lillian drew a long breath to gird herself for what she was about to do.

“I wish I could say that my coming here was fate bringing us together, as you so sweetly stated,” she began, her voice trembling. She forced it to stop. “But it wasn’t. I came here with a purpose.”

He was silent, his face utterly unreadable.

“A purpose,” he finally repeated in a flat tone.

She nodded. The words were so hard to find now, but she forced herself to continue.

“You see, before I arrived, I-I already knew your father to be a liar and a libertine, despite his exalted reputation.”

Simon stared at her, the shock and the beginnings of betrayal in his expression. He drew a few long breaths.

“And how did you know that?” he asked, his voice abrupt as his nostrils flared slightly.

She shut her eyes. “Do you remember when I told you about my mother? That she was prone to fits of sadness, but that it was another person who helped push her over the edge to her death?”

He nodded. “Yes. You didn’t elaborate and I did not wish to pry. Not until you
trusted
me more.”

She didn’t miss his emphasis on the word
trust
and bit back a little sob. “Well, the person who pushed her was…it was your father.”

He turned away sharply and moved to the window. “What did he do?” he finally asked after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

“As my father lay dying just over six months ago, he confessed to my brother that the Duke of Billingham, your father, he—he tried to seduce our mother. When she refused his advances, he…” She made herself say it. “He forced himself on her. In her guilt and shame over the rape, she killed herself.”

Simon made a strangled sound as he turned toward her. “Raped her?”

She nodded. “In his last breath, my father begged my brother to claim his revenge. At that time, your father still lived. I waited for my brother, Jack, to do as he had asked, but he was too like our father. Instead of coming here and confronting the man who pushed our mother to her death, Jack went mad with alcohol, determined to wreck himself rather than feel the pain.”

“That was what your father had done when he found out the truth about your mother,” Simon said. “He was too weakened by drink to confront my father himself.”

She nodded. “When I saw that Jack wouldn’t fulfill my father’s wish, it was left to me to plot revenge, and I admit that the idea and the thoughts of what had happened to my mother consumed me.”

Her eyes squeezed shut and she fought back tears. She would not cry. Not now.

“When Gabby was invited to your country party, we conspired for me to join her as a guest.”

“What was your hope in coming?” he asked, shaking his head. “What did you think to gain? The duke is dead, he’s been in the ground for months.”

She flinched. “When your father died, all the world began talking about him like he was a saint, even as they murmured ugly things about my mother. It enraged me even further. So I came here, determined to find proof of what he was. I hoped to be able to search this home for some kind of detail I could release into the world. I wanted people to hate him, to whisper about him as they did my mother. I wanted to ruin him.”

He stared at her for so long that she almost wondered if he had heard her. But then he advanced on her in long steps. “You came here looking for his secrets?”

“Yes, Simon,” she whispered, hating the betrayal that now sparkled in his eyes. She had known it would happen, but seeing it cut through her like a knife.

He shook his head. “Well, my dear. It seems you found everything you were looking for and more.”

And now she knew all their secrets. If she chose to, she could destroy him, destroy his brother, destroy everything he held dear.

“Simon—” she said from behind him, and he heard the tears in her voice even before he looked at her. She hadn’t moved toward him, but her hands were held up in pure entreaty. “I want to explain.”

“You
have
explained,” he barked. “What more is there to say? It seems nothing between us was real, only a manipulation to help you uncover what you came here to find.”

“It started out that way, yes,” she admitted, and now she did move on him. “But almost immediately I began to question my quest. When I met you, when I saw what kind of man you were, I began to doubt that I could destroy you. What developed between us was real, as much as I tried to keep it from happening so I wouldn’t have to feel that guilt deep within me.”

He snorted at that statement, but she reached for him and caught his arm before he could reel away.

“It didn’t work. Eventually I couldn’t deny my feelings for you. And when I saw how much you had suffered for your father’s actions, when I saw that your pain was just as deep as my own, I knew I could never harm you. Even if that meant letting go of the past.”

He yanked his arm free. “And when did you have this revelation? Today? Tonight? This moment? Is that what prompted your confession?”

She shook her head. “No, it was before.”

“When?” he asked, praying she would say that it was long before everything they had shared. He didn’t want those things spoiled by this.

“The morning you told me about your father’s bastard children,” she admitted, her cheeks brightening with splotches of color. “Before we were interrupted and you said that we were to be married.”

He shut his eyes, the sense of betrayal almost overwhelming. Finally he looked at her evenly.

“That means while you made love to me, while you heard me pour my heart out, you still intended to use what I said against me, against my dead father, the consequences to anyone and everyone else be damned.”

Her eyes squeezed shut and Simon couldn’t deny the pain that was reflected on her face. Whatever she had intended when this began, it truly hurt her now.

That was cold comfort.

“I know it sounds terrible,” she said. “It
was
terrible to consider taking that kind of revenge against innocent people, but you must understand how blinded by grief and anger I was when I set out on this course. I never knew what made my mother take her life. It was a stab in my heart to hear that a man had hurt her and driven her to the brink when she did not deserve such a nightmare.”

Simon winced. He couldn’t imagine how horrible a revelation that must have been for her. He was certain it was as painful and complicated as everything he had heard about himself in the past few days.

She shook her head. “I felt compelled to do the thing the men in my family could not or would not. I had to avenge my mother before your father was forgotten and what I revealed no longer mattered to Society.”

“So because of your situation, you were allowed to manipulate and deceive me simply because my father was not available to you?” he asked, the ice in his tone not something he had to force.

She shook her head. “No, what I planned was terrible. I know that. But I cannot stand having you think that my feelings were part of some plot. I don’t expect you to believe me, but the love I feel for you is real.”

Simon scrubbed a hand over his face. Somehow her admission that she loved him hurt more than helped now.

“Half an hour ago, I would have rejoiced to hear you say those words. But now…well, I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is this part of some master plan or the truth?”

Her chin dropped and her shoulders rolled forward in slumped defeat. “I understand your doubts.”

He shrugged, though he didn’t feel the disconnect expressed by the action. In truth, this final act of duplicity of the day, this realization that the woman he had come to trust and love had betrayed him…that was somehow the worst thing he had endured.

He reached for his crumpled shirt on the floor and tugged it over his head. As he did so, he said, “I’ll still marry you, Lillian.”

Her head jerked up. “What?”

He sighed. “I’m a better man than my father, I must be. You were compromised and you could have my child growing within you.” He ignored the swell of joy that thought brought and continued, “But I am uncertain if I’ll ever be able to trust you again.”

She nodded slowly. “Yes. I understand.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things to tend to before we go to London tomorrow. I shall see you in the morning at our arranged departure time.”

She made no move to stop him when he left the chamber. As he closed the door behind him, he leaned back against its surface and expelled his breath in a long sigh. He might have been able to maintain some kind of distance, some kind of control as he spoke to her, but now that they were apart, he had never felt so empty and alone in his life.

Part of her had wanted to run to Gabby, to sob out her sadness and broken heart into her friend’s shoulder. But in the end, she hadn’t. She didn’t deserve anyone’s comfort, and Simon didn’t deserve yet another act of treason against him. No, she had made this particular bed and she had to lie in it.

Alone.

That revelation had come an hour before and now she was ready for it.

She exited the chamber where she had hidden after Simon left her and took a deep breath as she looked around. Somehow she doubted he’d returned to his bedroom for it was clear he didn’t want to see her.

Moving through the halls, she made her way down the stairs. The noises of servants who were awake to see the party off buzzed faintly in the distance. Lillian hesitated and covered her eyes briefly at the foot of the stairs. She had to be strong. She couldn’t weep or be weak. Simon would only see that as a manipulation and she was finished with those.

When she was ready, she moved forward again, walking on instinct to the place where she thought Simon might have gone last night. When she reached his father’s office, she opened the door and stepped inside.

He was standing at the window, his back to her. His shoulders were ramrod straight and stiff.

“I wondered when you would come,” he said softly, without turning toward her.

“You know me well,” she answered as she closed the door behind her.

Now he did turn, and his sunken eyes were as dark a green as she had ever seen. “Do I?”

His retort stung, but she did her best to keep her reaction from her face. She deserved his coldness, even though she missed his regard terribly.

“I’ve come to speak to you about our arrangement,” she said, hoping her countenance was as unemotional as his, though she doubted she managed that.

“Our
arrangement?
” he repeated, folding his arms. “Are you referring to our engagement?”

She nodded. “I wanted to tell you that as much as I appreciate your offer to marry me regardless of what I have done, I cannot allow it. We shall not wed.”

He staggered forward a step before he could stop himself and stared at her. Her statement had clearly shaken him, for his every emotion and exhaustion were suddenly reflected on his face.

“I beg your pardon?” he asked, fighting to stay distant.

She tilted her head. “I cannot marry you.”

“Don’t be foolish, woman. You were publicly ruined and we announced our engagement. By now the entire
ton
knows that. If you return to London but do not marry, you’ll never be accepted by Society again. Given your family history, you’ll likely be shunned entirely.”

She wet her lips nervously as he laid out the consequences she had already spent a night considering.

“I realize that is very likely the case, Your Grace,” she managed past trembling lips. “But it does not signify.”

“Does not signify?” he cried with a bark of laughter. “How do you make that out?”

“What I saw yesterday, Simon…” She shivered. “It changes everything.”

She moved forward and almost reached out to touch his arm before she stopped herself. He wouldn’t want her comfort now and she certainly didn’t deserve his.

“You are living someone else’s life and keeping someone else’s secrets because you are honorable. You’ve had so much thrust upon you and I won’t be another thing, another disappointment you are forced to bear.”

He stared at her, unspeaking.

She squeezed her eyes shut to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. “I think you deserve more in a wife than another person you cannot trust. I love you too much to sentence you to that.”

“There could be a child,” he snapped, and she winced.

Of course he would turn to that reason before he admitted he wanted her in his life. And after all he now knew, she couldn’t blame him for that, but it still stung.

“Twice we have been reckless,” she said. “But last night, I did some calculations. I believe it very unlikely that we could have conceived a child.”

She ignored the pain that statement gave her.

“But I would, of course, inform you if I began to exhibit signs to the contrary. It would change everything, I know.”

Simon shook his head. “Then what of
you?
You’ll never have another offer, Lillian. You will likely be put out in the street after Lady Gabriela’s father gets wind that you have set aside our engagement.”

“Yes.” She swallowed hard. “But I would rather ruin myself than you and your family. I would rather live a life alone than one where you forever doubted, suspected, and resented me for my follies of the past. It isn’t fair to you.”

Now she reached for him, letting her palm rest on his rough cheek for the briefest of moments. She felt the muscle there twitch.

“It isn’t fair to me,” she finished quietly as she pulled her hand away.

He caught her wrist. “I won’t allow it.”

“There isn’t any choice,” she said as she extracted her hand from his. “Good-bye, my love.”

He stared after her as she slipped from the room. In the foyer, she found Gabby and her aunt already waiting for her. She said nothing as she followed them to the carriage. If they believed that Simon was to follow directly on his horse, as had been planned the night before, who was she to disabuse them of that notion? They would discover the truth soon enough.

She sank into the carriage seat and turned to look back at the house. There, framed in the window of a front parlor, was Simon. Watching her leave.

And she silently cried as she realized that was likely the last time she would ever see him.