What She Left for Me (40 page)

“What did you do?”

“I told Jason I was going to call the police. He said to go ahead, that by the time they got there it would be too late. Nothing has ever scared me as much as that simple statement.” Kerry pushed back her long dark hair. “I figured he meant to kill us all.”

Jana couldn’t fathom the fear they had all faced. “I don’t understand why he felt he had to do that. I feel guilty for my flippant remark about being better off with Rob dead, but I had no idea it would send Jason over the edge.”

“I don’t think it did. I think it was just Jason’s way of putting things right,” Kerry reasoned. “When Jason realized you had nothing and that if Rob died you’d at least have insurance money, I think he figured it was the logical answer to everything. Warped perspective, I guess, but that’s the way Jason would have reasoned it out.”

“So . . . well . . . how did it happen?” Jana forced the question. She needed to know the truth.

“Rob told Jason he was sorry. He even brought up the fact that I’d told Rob that morning that we needed to go home. Jason was kind of taken aback by this for a minute, and I thought maybe he’d rethink things. I told him it was true, and poor Don just sat there in stunned silence.

“Jason finally said it didn’t matter—that he didn’t think Rob would really go back and make things right. Rob swore he would, but Jason said it was too late. Then he shot Rob twice. Once in the head and once in the chest.”

“Did he . . . oh . . .” Jana felt sickened by the news. She began to cry.

“He died instantly. He didn’t suffer, except in waiting,” Kerry said, tears streaming.

“I’m glad,” Jana said, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “I don’t know why it had to be this way, but I’m glad he didn’t suffer.”

“Afterward, Jason just stood there. I waited for him to turn the gun on us, but when he just kept standing there, staring at Rob, I figured it was over. I walked right up to him and took the gun away while Don called the police. I knew there was nothing I could do for Rob or Jason, but I kept praying I might somehow be able to make things up to you.”

“There’s nothing to make up, Kerry. Certainly nothing that any human being could change.” She toyed with her hands for a moment, then looked back to Kerry. “I didn’t think I could ever say these words, but I forgive you.”

Kerry’s hand went to her throat. “Oh, Jana . . . oh . . .” The words caught in her throat as she fought back new tears. For several moments she couldn’t speak. The silence fell like a buffering blanket between them. Finally she lifted her tear-stained face. “Oh, thank you. You don’t know what this means to me.”

Jana thought back over the last few weeks. “I think I do,” she said, knowing that the change in her heart had opened her eyes to the truth. Forgiveness was necessary for healing, even when forgiveness wasn’t deserved. After all, who could honestly say that they deserved to be forgiven?

Thirty-five

“Oh, but that wasn’t the best part,” Taffy said. “We had flown to Washington at the invitation of President Johnson and his wife. As I told you,” she said, leaning in, “Cal was gifted at riding the fence, and Democrats and Republicans alike simply loved him. Well, we were there in the White House no more than ten minutes when LBJ strode across the room and came up to Cal with a look of complete disgust.

“He said, ‘I understand you’re friends with that Kansas bunch.’ ” Taffy straightened with a knowing look. “He was talking about the Eisenhowers, Governor Avery, and the senators—all Republicans, don’t you know. Cal, of course, was not put off. ‘Why, yes, I am,’ he told the president. LBJ nodded and replied, ‘Funny bunch, those Kansans—they all seem to lean away from my issues.’ Well, my Cal didn’t miss a beat. ‘That,’ he replied, ‘is because of all the hot air that’s blown up from Texas—keeps ’em listing to one side.’ Well, LBJ, not to be outdone, snaps back, ‘Well, son, see if you can’t get them turned around to list my way.’ ” Taffy and Stanley laughed, and Eleanor and Jana couldn’t help but join in.

“Well, that was a marvelous dinner, ladies,” Stanley declared, patting his stomach. “I’d say it’s just about the best I’ve ever had.”

Kerry agreed. “It was wonderful, and as much as I hate to say it, I’d better head back home. The snow has managed to hold off so far, but who knows for how long.”

“That’s true,” Taffy said with an authoritative tone to her voice. “It would probably be wise to start out while there is still light.”

“Do you plan to try to make it all the way back?” Jana asked.

“No, I’ll probably stay again in Missoula, or if I feel there’s no risk, I’ll head on to Kellogg. It’s the passes I worry about. Even if there isn’t snow down here, there might be trouble up there.”

“Good point. You should probably call to see if the interstate is open all the way,” Eleanor suggested as she began clearing away the dishes.

“Let me help you, Mom,” Jana offered.

There was something in Jana’s mannerisms that instantly took Eleanor back in time. She remembered her mother, pregnant and working around the table. It was the first time Eleanor had allowed herself to realize that Jana looked very much like Melody. How had she not seen this before?
Maybe I have,
she realized,
and just didn’t let myself acknowledge it.
Then again, maybe it was one more reason she had pushed Jana away, even as an adult.

Eleanor reached out and touched Jana’s hand. “No, I think you should just go and see Kerry out, then rest.” She was surprised when Jana agreed.

“I think you’re right. I’m so tired.”

“Well, it’s no wonder,” Stanley chimed in. “You’re carrying around a whole ’nuther person. When’s that little guy gonna make an appearance?”

“Now, Stanley, we don’t know if it’s a guy or not,” Taffy chided. “And the baby will be born when he or she is good and ready. She’s not due until the nineteenth of December.”

“Oh, well then we’ll have us a Christmas present early, eh?” he teased.

“Something like that,” Jana said, patting her stomach. She followed Kerry out with a yawn.

Eleanor admired her daughter’s strength. She knew it hadn’t been easy to invite Kerry here. It couldn’t have been a simple matter to sit down to dinner together either, yet Jana had handled herself with a graciousness that Eleanor couldn’t begin to understand. This was the woman who had stolen her daughter’s husband—had been there at his death. How could Jana calmly share a meal and company with her? All through the dinner, Eleanor had found herself taking up offense for her daughter, while Jana had seemed completely at peace with the matter. It amazed Eleanor.

Taffy and Stanley lent a hand in cleaning up, much to Eleanor’s relief. She was more tired than she wanted to let on. Together they cleared the dirty dishes, and Taffy loaded the washer with Stanley ever at her side, helping. Eleanor meanwhile worked on the turkey, picking the carcass clean and packing the meat in sealed containers before placing it in the fridge. Before she knew it, everything was done.

“I’m gonna walk around the block with Stanley,” Taffy announced. She waved off any protests Eleanor might offer. “I know it’s cold. We’ll bundle up.”

“And if all else fails,” Stanley said with a wicked wink, “we’ll share body heat for warmth.”

Taffy elbowed him and rolled her eyes. “I’ll bring you an extra coat if you’re worried.” Stanley laughed and followed her out of the kitchen, singing a song Eleanor didn’t recognize.

With Jana resting and Taffy and Stanley gone, Eleanor felt as if she had the house to herself. She found the silence to be a welcome relief. She went upstairs to her room and changed her clothes, slipping on comfortable old wool slacks and a white oxford-style shirt. Over this she pulled on a pumpkin-colored sweater and relished the warmth against the chill of her room.

Looking at a stack of papers she’d hoped to sort, Eleanor shook her head and went to her much-loved overstuffed chair. She sank into the cushioned softness and propped her feet up on the ottoman. Some days were meant for relaxation—although Eleanor had never quite mastered the art of being at rest.

She gazed around the room and remembered a time when she’d been a teenager and they’d come to this house for vacation. Back then there had been more land and, of course, horses. Eleanor had thought it a magical place to live. Perhaps that was why when Taffy suggested she come live here, Eleanor had jumped at the chance. She told herself it was because Taffy was old and needed her, but in her heart, Eleanor knew this house had been one of the best things in her memories. She had been a happy child here—but even better, she had felt safe.

That need for safety had haunted Eleanor all of her life. She’d never felt protected in the commune, especially after the police had started raiding there. Having later read much on the disturbing sixties and the hippie movement, Eleanor could easily see why her father and mother’s way of life had been a threat to civil peace. Her family’s way was not one of order and happiness, as they had suggested, but rather one of chaos and misery. Without drugs and alcohol, they would have been hard pressed to even endure the life they’d chosen.

Eleanor again realized how much Jana favored her mother. Eleanor used to refuse to even consider memories of her mother, for ultimately, remembering her suicide was just too painful. But now Eleanor opened her mind to such thoughts, letting them tiptoe in like shy children. She remembered her mother’s bright smile and carefree spirit. Eleanor remembered working with her in the garden—learning and listening to the advice her mother offered. Other memories reminded Eleanor of times her mother had played with her children—laughing and singing.

“She loved us,” Eleanor murmured. “I know she loved us. Even if she did become a mother much too early. Even if she did take her own life.” For the first time, Eleanor wished she had a picture or some piece of memorabilia from the past.

She had been so convinced of the pain such things might cause, however, that she’d kept nothing from her time in the commune. In fact, she’d kept nothing from her past with Taffy and Cal or even with Jana. Oh, there were a few pictures taken when Jana was little, but Eleanor had been so intent on forgetting that she’d put away the good with the bad. She’d carried nothing forward except the heavy weights of guilt and regret.

“I’ve been such a fool.” She looked upward. “I thought I was free of the past. I thought I’d done a wonderful job of removing it from my mind and heart. I kept nothing, thinking it would keep me from the misery and hurt, and instead it bound me more severely than I could have imagined.”

Memories of her father came unbidden. Eleanor winced and closed her eyes tight, but the image wouldn’t leave her. “I trusted you. I loved you—so very much. Why did you have to ruin that?” She felt the tears slip down her cheeks.

“God, I don’t know if even you can help me. I want you to. I want to believe I’m worth the effort, but I honestly don’t know if you’ve given up on me or not. If you haven’t—if you think you can do anything with me—I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’m giving it over to you because I’ve already made such a mess of things.” Her impromptu confession surprised Eleanor. But there was something else. Fear. She felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Over the last few weeks she’d struggled with that unspoken emotion. Fear had caused her to have several panic attacks, and fear had kept her from breaking free once and for all from the pain of the past.

She opened her eyes and realized she was tightly gripping the arms of the chair. Her knuckles were white and her fingers ached. “I’m afraid,” she whispered. “Afraid the bad thoughts will never go away. Afraid the guilt will always haunt me. Afraid of how to live in the future without the past dictating my steps. I’m afraid I’ll completely mess things up with Jana in the future—just as I did in the past. God, I don’t know what to do.”

A light knock sounded on her door. Eleanor tried to pull herself together before answering, “Come in.”

Taffy peeked into the room. She started to speak, then noted Eleanor’s condition. She immediately came to Eleanor’s side. “I felt the need to find you—to make sure you were all right.”

“I’m not all right, but I’m trying to be. I just don’t know how.”

Taffy sat down on the ottoman. “That’s okay,” she said with great love in her voice. “I know who does.”

****

“I so enjoyed the potluck yesterday. My, but that was fun,” Taffy exclaimed.

“Yes, it was,” Jana agreed. “Those women can really cook. I enjoyed church as well. I thought Kevin was very capable in his preaching—so personable too. Rob was never that open and friendly in his teaching.” Miserable in her discomfort, she tried to find a comfortable sitting position. She moved first one way and then another. “Oh, no matter what I do, it hurts. First I couldn’t sleep, and now I can’t even sit.”

Eleanor raised a brow. “What do you mean it hurts?”

“You know. My back. I had such pain there all night, I couldn’t even sleep.”

Eleanor was worried, but Taffy seemed unconcerned. Eleanor came to Jana and knelt down. “When did it start?”

“My back? It’s been hurting me for weeks, but never like this. This comes and goes in a pretty consistent manner. Sometimes it lasts longer than other times.”

“Jana, I think you may be in labor,” Eleanor said, looking to Taffy. “We need to call her doctor. If she’s been in labor all night, she could very well be close to delivering that baby.”