What She Left for Me (38 page)

“Mom?”

Eleanor looked up to find Jana staring at her rather quizzically. “I guess I was daydreaming.”

“You looked very . . . well . . . I don’t know. Different,” Jana confessed. “You looked intent on whatever your daydream was.”

“I was actually thinking about my brothers.”

“I’d nearly forgotten—do you know where they are?”

“No. After our mother died, the police took us away. I kept asking about them, but no one would tell me anything. Taffy and Cal even looked, and you would have thought with their powerful friends and money they could have found them, but something always went wrong. I finally stopped asking, and I think when Taffy and Cal realized I’ve given up, they gave up as well.”

“What were their names?” Jana asked, taking a seat across from her mother.

“Allan Junior was the oldest. He was six years younger than me. Then Thomas was two years younger than Allan. Deliverance was a year younger than Thomas, and Spirit a year younger than Deliverance.”

“Deliverance? Spirit? What crazy names,” Jana said, laughing.

“Well, you have to remember my parents were hippies. Those were perfectly good names for hippie children. We had more than our share of Moonbeams, Sunshines, Stars, and of course tons of flower children. We had a Daisy, Lilac, Heather, Wisteria—it was crazy.”

Jana grinned. “Well, we won’t have any of that with this baby.”

“Have you picked a name?”

She shook her head. “Not completely. I have some names I’m partial to, but I’m still not sure.”

“It might be wise to wait until the baby comes and then decide. Maybe once you see him or her, it will come easily.”

“I think you might be right.” Jana fell silent, then brought the conversation back to the family. “Isn’t it weird to know that there is an entire family out there somewhere . . . who knows you exist but doesn’t know where you are?”

“It is strange, but you have to remember that until now I’ve kept those kinds of thoughts out of my head. I’ve refused to think about them.” Eleanor ran her hand through her short blond hair and gave her head a little shake. “I don’t know that thinking about them now is any wiser. I mean, we couldn’t find them back then; why suppose we could find them now?”

“Because we have so much more in the way of technology and information. You have the Internet and computer databases. I’m thinking that if you really wanted to find them now, you probably could.”

Eleanor considered that for a moment. Perhaps there was a way—but did she want to find them?

“I don’t know if it would be wise, though,” she finally said. She met Jana’s eyes. “They might be happier not being found. After all, they could have looked for me as well.”

“Maybe they did. You have to remember, back then the records were sealed and difficult to get into. The government thought they were giving the ultimate protection—not keeping families divided.”

“I suppose you’re right.” The idea was something to consider, but Eleanor couldn’t process it all right now. It had also occurred to her that if she found her brothers, she might find her father as well. Perhaps that was the real reason she’d avoided even thinking about where the boys had gone . . . because maybe, just maybe, they had left with her father and had been with him all along.

“So are you going to look for them?” Jana’s question pulled Eleanor back into the present.

“I don’t know. It’s something to think about.”

Thankfully, Jana let the topic drop. Instead, she got up from the table and went to the cupboard for a glass. “I’ve been thinking about something and wanted to talk to you about it.”

Eleanor waited until Jana had poured herself some milk and returned to the table before asking, “What is it?”

“I’ve set my heart right with God,” Jana began. “I’ve asked Him to forgive my anger and bitterness—my doubt. But in doing that, I’ve been thinking a lot about Kerry Broadbent.”

“But why?”

“She asked for my forgiveness, and I refused her.” Jana took a long drink and studied the glass for a moment. “That was wrong of me, but I’m not sure how to make it right, except . . . well . . . to call her up—maybe see her.”

“Are you sure you want to take that route? You might be opening a very painful can of worms.”

“But how can I deny her forgiveness when she humbled herself and came here to ask for it? I feel bad for the way I treated her, but at the same time, I know that I wasn’t ready back then to absolve the woman who’d stolen my husband.”

“But you feel you can do that now?”

Jana surprised Eleanor by nodding. “Yes, I do. I wouldn’t have thought so a few days ago, but I’ve been praying and reading my Bible, and I know it’s time. I just wondered if you would be upset or offended by this, because . . . well . . . I think I’d like to invite her to Thanksgiving dinner.”

Eleanor was taken aback by this announcement, but she saw the need in her daughter’s eyes. The process of working through her own spiritual crisis was something Eleanor still had not accomplished; however, she knew that Jana needed and desired her approval in this. Could she give it—and mean it?

“What do you think, Mom? Is that too off the wall?”

Eleanor gave her a smile and swallowed down all her protests. Was this what it was like to take thoughts captive? “No. Not at all. I think it’s very gracious—a definite act of kindness.”

Jana seemed to relax. “Thanks, Mom. I guess I’ll go give her a call.”

****

Jana’s hands trembled as she reached for the receiver. She didn’t know if Kerry had gone back to the home she’d shared with Jason, but that was the number Jana planned to try since she had it memorized from their years at the church.

As the phone began to ring on the other end, Jana’s heartbeat crescendoed.

“Hello.”

The sound of Kerry’s voice left Jana momentarily speechless.

“Hello? Is someone there?” Kerry questioned.

“Yes,” Jana finally managed. “It’s Jana.”

It was Kerry’s turn to fall silent. For several moments neither one said anything, but finally Jana worked up the courage to continue. “I think we need to talk.”

“Yes, I agree.”

“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. It hasn’t been easy, but I want to see you and talk about everything.”

“Has the baby come yet?”

“No. I’m due in a couple weeks.”

“Well, in that case you shouldn’t be traveling. Why don’t I come there—maybe next week after the holidays?”

“I was kind of hoping you might join us for Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you have other plans.”

Kerry said nothing, and for a while Jana feared she’d lost the connection. “Are you there?”

“I’m here,” Kerry said, her voice breaking into a sob. “I’m sorry. I’m just . . . well, it’s just . . . I was going to be alone on Thanksgiving.”

“Well, now you don’t have to be. We’d like you to join us if you’d feel comfortable doing so.”

“Jana, I’m really touched.” Kerry then added, “What time would you like me there?”

“We’ll eat at two. Come anytime you like.”

“I’ll be there,” Kerry promised. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Jana hung up the phone, pleased she’d done something positive—for her own sake, as well as Kerry’s. It was the right thing to do, and somehow, Jana knew that it would make all the difference.

Thirty-four

Jana awoke to the tantalizing aromas of pumpkin and turkey. She also came to the realization that this would be her first real celebration with family. In the past, she and Rob had celebrated Thanksgiving with some members of the church congregation, but they’d never had their own dinner. And growing up, she and her mother had never celebrated the day. In fact, little attention had been given to Christmas and birthdays. Jana remembered how envious she was of her friends, listening to stories at the boarding school about all the wonderful things the other girls had done on their breaks. When Jana had no stories to share, they made fun of her. After a time, Jana started making up things that she’d always dreamed of.

“My mom and I flew to California,” she told them one year. “It was so nice and warm.” She was nearly caught in the lie by another girl who demanded to know what part of California, as she had spent time there too and it had been cold.

From that time on, Jana spent her school breaks researching her story, ready to give the most intimate details of her excursions. She was convinced her friends never knew the truth.

Jana sighed at the memory. How lonely and inadequate she’d felt back then. There was nothing significant or important about Jana Templeton. She wondered how much better off Jana McGuire would be.

She remembered that Kerry would arrive today and hastened to get dressed. Kerry had called the night before to say she’d be staying overnight in Missoula. She’d hoped to come prior to dinner so that she and Jana would have plenty of time to talk. Then if Jana changed her mind about having Kerry stay for dinner, Kerry assured her she would leave.

But Jana had made up her mind. She didn’t like the idea of Kerry being alone on Thanksgiving. Worse still, she didn’t want to be the cause of sending the poor woman back out onto the road with more snow in the forecast. Then, too, Jana couldn’t help but remember Kerry was dealing with a loss as well, for Jason had been sentenced to life in prison.

Jana dressed in a soft knit maternity top and ecru wool slacks. The mauve color of the sweater was good for her complexion and the style was quite flattering. At least as flattering as it could be in her condition. Jana studied her profile in the mirror. It was clear the baby had dropped. Not only by sight, but by feel.

“It won’t be long now, little one,” she said, splaying her fingers across her abdomen. “Soon I’ll hold you in my arms.” The thought gave her great joy and filled an aching, empty spot in her heart.

“Rob used to be in that spot,” she told her reflection. “My love for him made my life seem worthwhile.” But now she would fill that place with her love for this baby and, of course, her love for God. It wasn’t that she thought it would be easy, but Jana had already experienced a freedom in turning her bitterness over to God in exchange for His abundant peace.

Jana struggled into her shoes and socks, then slowly made her way downstairs. She could feel the chilled air of the upstairs gradually warm as she descended. “It smells so good in here,” she announced, entering the kitchen.

Taffy, bedecked in a fire-engine-red broomstick skirt and black turtleneck, looked up with a grin. Long red birds of some type dangled from her ears, and a necklace of black and red beads was draped around her neck. “Good morning, my darling!” She pulled on an apron and came to where Jana stood. “You look wonderful! Happy Thanksgiving.”

“And the same to you. I love your earrings.”

“I bought them in Italy.” She leaned in conspiratorially. “I paid way too much, however. I saw the exact same pair in a catalog the other day and they were much less expensive.”

“Yes, but yours were purchased in Italy,” Jana countered. “And that makes them special for so many other reasons.”

Taffy straightened and raised her brow. “You know, you’re absolutely right. I won’t regret them.”

“Won’t regret what?” Eleanor questioned as she came in through the back door.

“My earrings,” Taffy said, then hurried on. “I have the pies already cooling and thought I’d help you mix the stuffing.”

“Did you sleep all right?” Eleanor asked Jana.

She shrugged with a grin. “As well as anyone in my condition ever sleeps.”

“Well, you look lovely. I think those colors are good for you. You should wear them more often.”

There was a time when Jana would have stiffened at the comment; she would have been convinced that this was her mother’s way of giving off-handed criticism. But now Jana wanted to believe the best. “Maybe I can find something like it after the baby is born.”

“We will definitely need to take you shopping after the baby’s born,” Taffy declared. “You’ll need some good winter clothes. We get much colder here than you did in Spokane.”

“Or New York,” Eleanor added.

“We’ll have to see,” Jana said, pulling out a chair. She was so weary of carrying this load. “I have to be careful with my money—especially the insurance money.” Rob’s insurance had finally paid out, and Jana was determined to save a good portion for the baby’s education.

“Pshaw!” Taffy exclaimed. “I keep telling you I’m a rich old woman who loves to spend her money on people she cares about.”

“I’m fairly well off myself,” Eleanor announced, to Jana’s surprise. “I’ve invested wisely over the years, and with the sale of the bookstore, I’m very comfortably set.”

“But I’m not, and I don’t want to be a burden to either of you,” Jana replied, her tone quite serious. “I love you both and would hate it if money ever came between us.”

“Then don’t let it,” Taffy said. “I hate it when people talk finances and money before a cup of good coffee.” She poured one and brought it to Jana. “It’s decaf and the cream is right there in front of you.”

Jana poured herself some cream, a warm rush of emotions nearly bringing her to tears. Taffy was so good to her, and now it seemed her mother’s heart was changing as well. It was such a wonderful blessing.