What She Left for Me (35 page)

“Once we were home for a time and you started having morning sickness, I began to rework my thoughts. When you found out for certain you were pregnant, I knew you had to have conceived in London.”

“Despite the fact that I told you it was one of my American friends,” Eleanor stated matter-of-factly.

“Yes, well, I knew you weren’t close enough to anyone. You were seldom gone from home—especially during that time. I began to put it all together and realized that Cal had probably fathered the child. What worried me every bit as much as the thought of a one-time rape was the idea of Cal molesting you over and over as your father had done.”

“No, it was just once,” Eleanor said, seeming to relax a bit. “But it was nothing like what my father had done. Cal was violent. It was like he was taking all his anger out on me. It was painful and hideous.” She looked away. “I can’t believe I’m even telling you this.”

“I’m glad you finally are,” Taffy replied. “It needed to come out a long time ago. It was one of the reasons I kept trying to make contact with you and get you to come home . . . back to me. I felt I owed you a home and security, but more than that I loved you and wanted to take care of you in your time of need. Then when Jana was born, I wanted to give you both a home that would allow you all the comforts you deserved. I had already separated from Cal and planned to keep it that way, but then he grew ill and I focused my attention on him and lost track of you. By the time Cal died, I began to wonder if you weren’t better off without me in your life.”

Jana listened in silence, watching the matter play out like an afternoon soap opera. Everything she had ever longed to know was suddenly being set out on the table like evidence in a courtroom drama. Cal Anderson was her father. She was the product of a rape—a violent act of aggression. No wonder her mother couldn’t bear to have her near. It all made so much sense now. Jana was a painful reminder of that hideous act.

“I don’t understand,” Jana finally said. “Did Mom just leave? But how could she resettle without money?”

Taffy turned her attention to Jana. “Your mother left my care when she was about four months along. I came home one day and she was gone.”

“I’d made arrangements to live on my own,” Eleanor murmured.

“Yes, through Cal,” Taffy added.

Eleanor’s head snapped up. “You knew?”

Taffy smiled compassionately. “I didn’t for a time, but I ran across some papers later—probably close to the time you gave birth. I saw that Cal had given you about half a million dollars. We never discussed finances. Cal wanted me to just spend as I pleased. He never told me where our money came from or went. But one day I saw the returned check, and that was the final proof I needed.”

“I sort of blackmailed him,” Eleanor admitted. “I’m ashamed of it now, but at that time I didn’t know what else to do. When I was certain that I was pregnant, I went to him one evening when you were gone and told him the truth.”

“I can imagine that didn’t go over well,” Jana said, shaking her head. She was beginning to feel worse than ever before. She knew it wasn’t her fault that her mother had been raped, but now she understood why her mother had never wanted to discuss Jana’s father. Now Jana felt guilty for having pushed her mother over and over for answers.

“Actually Cal was quite gracious about the entire matter,” Eleanor said.

“He was that way,” Taffy threw in. “He was always trying to right his wrongs by throwing money at it or by pouring on the charm.”

“I told him that if he didn’t help me, I would tell Taffy everything. I think he knew that Taffy would side with me, and he couldn’t bear to lose her.” Eleanor looked at Taffy. “He loved you, despite the things he did.”

“I know he needed me,” Taffy said, “but he didn’t love me in the right way. His was a selfish, needy love that was all about Calvin Anderson and nothing about me or anyone else.”

“I suppose I see that now,” Eleanor said. “Anyway, I told him that I needed to be set up with a home and income. I knew the book business from having worked at the bookstore in Boston, so I wanted my own bookstore. Cal asked around and found a small shop for sale—complete with inventory. It was about a hundred miles from where you lived and seemed perfect.”

“But by then, abortions were legal,” Jana suddenly said aloud. “Why didn’t you abort me—like you suggested I do with this baby?”

Eleanor met her daughter’s eyes. “I was wrong to ever suggest that. I was speaking out of anger and pain . . . please forgive me.”

Jana was taken aback. “Of course,” she murmured.

“I never really considered an abortion. I did, however, pray for a son. I didn’t want a girl because I knew that would only mean that she might have to bear all the misery I had known. I told Cal he would never be a part of my baby’s life because he was without scruples and values. I couldn’t risk letting him see you or be a father to you for fear that he might do the same things to you that my father did to me.”

It was all making sense now. Jana realized that her mother had taken what she thought was her only option. She had guarded her heart against further hurt and buried the past as far away as possible. Unfortunately, it had cost her the ability to have a real relationship with her child.

The baby moved within Jana, as if affirming her new understanding. “And Cal never wanted to know me or deal with me because that would mean risking Taffy learning the truth.”

“At first he tried to talk me into letting them adopt you. He said it wouldn’t be that unusual for a young woman in trouble to let her relatives take her child,” Eleanor told them. “I knew Taffy would love you, but I couldn’t bring myself to risk letting you be vulnerable. I knew if you remained with me, I could keep you shielded from men and the world. I just didn’t give thought to the fact that I was also denying you love and the security of family. Once I did realize that, it was too late.”

“It’s never too late—not with God,” Taffy stated.

“I keep thinking of how I asked you about whether you’d ever had to forgive someone for something really painful.” Jana looked to Taffy and saw the old woman’s contented smile. “All the time you knew I was the child of your husband’s betrayal, and yet you welcomed me here. You’ve shown me nothing but love.”

“But neither of you ever deserved anything less,” Taffy replied. “I only wanted you to see that—to know it for yourself. It was never an issue of placing blame or condemnation. That isn’t what the Lord would have us do. You were both victims of someone else’s sin, however, and there are always consequences to sin. Like a ripple effect in the water. Sin ripples out to touch the people around the one committing the wrong. I knew I couldn’t protect you from the hurts you’d suffered, but I could help to bear the misery with you.

“When Eleanor came to live with us, I wanted very much to help her heal from the past. Remember when I used to try to get you to talk to me about what had happened?” She looked to Eleanor and waited for an answer.

“But it was so . . . well . . . embarrassing. I felt so awful—so guilty. I had been completely duped by the only person I felt truly deserved my love and trust.” Eleanor paused and straightened, lifting her chin in that same defensive way Jana had seen in the past. “You can’t understand this because I don’t understand it myself—but my father made me feel special. I didn’t dread the things he did to me. I . . . I . . .” She fell silent.

Jana realized what she’d been about to say, however, and put voice to that thought. “You enjoyed it, and now you feel guilty.”

Eleanor looked at her daughter in what looked like relief. “Yes.” She bowed her head. “God forgive me.”

“But that—even that—wasn’t your fault,” Taffy insisted. “Our bodies are made to respond to certain stimulation. You might not believe this, but your guilt is a common problem with victims of molestation. I read it in one of my magazines. People blame themselves, thinking that if they’d done something different—if they’d told someone, if they’d not dressed a certain way—then they wouldn’t have been molested. It’s all hogwash.”

“But you can’t understand,” Jana’s mother continued. “My father’s actions made me feel special—truly loved. He made it all seem reasonable.”

“But you were brought up in a society that was open to everything,” Jana countered. “How could that be the fault of a young girl? You were told it was right—good. You lived in such a secluded manner that you had no reason to think otherwise.”

Eleanor shook her head. “I’ve tried to comfort myself with that over the years, but the guilt remains.”

Guilt. Jana finally understood another piece of the puzzle that was her mother. “You aren’t a bad person, Mom. You aren’t a perverted person.”

“But I feel like one. How could I have enjoyed myself? How could I have ever thought it was right?” Eleanor seemed to plead with them for answers.

“But you’d never been taught anything different, Mom. You were told it was right. You were raised in an environment that suggested it should be acceptable. You weren’t given any reason to think it wrong.”

Taffy nodded. “Exactly. How can children know what’s right and wrong except that their parents teach them? You were isolated from the rest of the world. You had no reason to think it was a lie.”

Eleanor began to weep. “I’ve always felt like I should have known better. Like I should have known better than to wait up for Cal—that I could have done something more to fight him off.”

“Life is full of ‘should haves,’ ” Taffy said. “I’ve borne my own guilt. Guilt that if I’d been wiser I would have been able to protect you from Cal. Guilt that I didn’t get you more counseling—more help. Guilt is crippling, and we must fight against it.”

“But how?” Eleanor asked. “How do I just set aside a lifetime of guilt?”

“Exactly. How do I put aside my guilt?” Jana threw in. “Guilt that I should have seen my marriage falling apart—that I should have known about the affair. Guilt that I caused my husband’s death because of my flippant remarks.” She’d never verbalized that before. She did bear a tremendous amount of guilt over Rob’s death.

“You certainly aren’t to blame for that man’s death,” Eleanor said defensively. “You merely spoke the truth and that Broadbent man acted on what he perceived to be the right answer.”

“Don’t you see?” Taffy said. “It’s the devil’s way of trying to ensnare us. He wants us caught up in false guilt and grief. The devil wants us to buy into the lies he spins around us. ‘If only I’d done this differently.’ ‘I should have done that.’ It’s like an avalanche that just keeps coming—lie upon lie. When all the time we could simply take it to the Master—give it over to Him.”

“You sound so sure of that being the answer,” Eleanor said, wiping at her tears.

“I wish it were that easy,” Jana had to admit.

Taffy laughed. “You have both commented from time to time about wondering how I could have such a happy and positive disposition. You presumed it meant that I’d never borne pain, guilt, and suffering in my life, but both of you now know that I have endured great sadness and loss.” She sobered with this. “I’m here as living proof to tell you that God is bigger than our pain and sorrows. He’s bigger than our guilt. He is able to take anything we give Him and turn it around for good.”

“Even husbands who commit adultery?” Jana questioned. “I don’t see how anything good can possibly come of that.”

“It brought you here, didn’t it?”

“But only because of the betrayal and pain. Oh, and my empty bank account. How is that for good?”

“You and your mother have been able to work through the past. You’ve been able to lay the truth out for each other to see—to judge, if you will. You have bared your souls and have realized that you still have value in the eyes of those who love you. And in spite of everything—the guilt, the pain, the longing—God has brought the three of us together in order to heal. He has given us a new hope in Him . . . if we will take it.”

“I’d like to take it,” Jana said, knowing for the first time in a long time that she’d found a truth that she could grasp. “I’d like to be like you, Taffy. I so admire you. Opening your home to me—knowing who I was and not being afraid that I would remind you of all the bad things in your life.”

“Jana, God calls us to forget that which is behind. There’s a good reason for that. He knows the destruction of the past in our present lives. He wants us to know forgiveness and to be set free from the bondage that past sins can create. Sometimes, like now, the truth of the past needs to come out, but once it does, we needn’t let it continue to take us captive. Instead, we now take the past captive.”

“It sounds too simple,” Eleanor said softly. She had composed herself and was no longer crying. “I can’t believe it to be that simple, because I fought for years to bury the past and have nothing more to do with it.”

“But there’s a difference between taking the past captive and merely hiding away from it. If you have a criminal and you put him behind bars for the rest of his life, he can’t hurt you anymore. It doesn’t mean he ceases to exist, but the threat is no longer what it was. However, if you leave him free and merely avoid running into him, you know that the threat is always there. He might show up at the most inconvenient moment.”

Realization dawned on Jana. She could finally understand what Taffy meant by dealing with the past instead of just shoving it aside. Her breathing quickened and the baby moved wildly within. It was finally clear. She could be free. She could give it all to God and really be free.