What if I Fly? (3 page)

Will absently runs his hand along her spine, still deep in mind-numbing conversation. He and his buddies have moved on from sailing to skiing, from the Vineyard to Aspen.

I’m so naïve
, she thinks, her stomach turning over.
This is Will’s world. This! Right here!
Not the world they’ve created over the past ten months. Here, among his peers, she sees who he really is for the first time.

She’s not completely oblivious. She knows they’re from different tribes, but it never seemed to matter. Julia’s spent a lot of time with his family and gets along with his sister and parents really well, and Will seemed to adapt to her world without a problem.

But there’s no getting around it now, their differences are glaringly obvious tonight, a giant wall between them.

A wave of nausea washes over her and Julia desperately needs to get out of this room, away from this scene and these people. She rises unsteadily to her feet, gripping the back of her chair. The room has started to spin, and if she doesn’t get out of here now she’s going to be sick. She taps Will’s shoulder and excuses herself, searching for the ladies room.

In the safety of the bathroom, she sits in a stall, tears clouding her vision. This isn’t how she imagined this evening at all.
Tonight was supposed to be the night
…  She thought they’d dance, she’d meet a few of his friends, then they’d go to her house and…
who knows?

She wanted him. She’d convinced herself Will was worth it.
Now?
She doesn’t even know who he is.
Love makes you blind.
She was stupid to allow a chink in the armor. No man is worth the heartache.

Julia grabs a tissue and dabs at her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears before they begin, and sighs, thinking,
eventually I will have to leave this bathroom
. What an awful thought.

The door to the restroom opens, letting in the sound of the band, and closes behind two women gossiping in hushed voices.

“Did you see her dress? So inappropriate! It’s so short and looks like a rag,” they laugh.

Are they talking about me?
Julia’s eyes grow wide and she covers her mouth.

“And her hair! So frizzy!”

They are! I’m the only woman in this place with curly hair.
For several minutes she sits in the stall, frozen in embarrassment, while they verbally rip her to shreds. Finally, she peeks through the crack to see the offending women. It’s Darcy from her table, and someone she doesn’t recognize.

“What can Will possibly see in her? He’s so handsome and eligible,” the stranger in lavender says dreamily, applying her hideous pink lipstick.

“She looks like a hippie, utterly classless,” Darcy adds.

“Well, I guess some guys need to slum it before they settle down.”

That is it!
Julia’s flooded with anger and a slew of other emotions she doesn’t fully understand. She pulls herself together, opens the stall and walks deliberately to the sink, slowly washing her hands. They stop talking and glare at her, not one speck of shame between them. Julia shuts off the faucet, grabs a paper towel and turns to face them.

“You want to know why Will is with me?” They raise their eyebrows in response. “He said he’s tired of dating boring, uptight girls, like you. He prefers a woman with a pulse.”

Their mouths fall open, then Darcy’s eyes narrow. Julia’s happy to have touched a nerve with that comment, and dries her hands, standing directly in front of them.

“Oh, and I’m the best fuck he’s ever had.”

She tosses the paper towel in the trashcan and walks out of the bathroom.

Julia is livid and humiliated, her thoughts and feelings a jumble inside her. She actually sees red, and would love to make a scene, maybe grab Will by his collar and drag him out of here, but she’d be giving them exactly what they want. They’d tell stories for years about the screeching greenhorn Will once brought to a wedding.

She has two choices, sit and pout, or put on a show. She’d never give them the satisfaction of watching her shrink into a corner, so she decides now’s the time to use a few of the acting skills she’s picked up over the years.

Julia spots Will by the bar with a group of men and struts over to him, her hips swaying side to side.
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have curves.
She grabs Will by the lapel, presses her lips to his ear and whispers, “Dance with me.”

Will is obnoxiously drunk. His eyes remain unfocused for a moment, then she watches as they glaze over with lust. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her against him, and her heart begins to pound, the blood rushing to her head. He’s aroused, she can feel him against her stomach.

Not a fucking chance, Will!

She wants to push him away, but instead she swallows her anger and sticks to her plan.

She smiles seductively at his friends, who predictably salivate with desire. Julia wants to make sure the ladies see what their men really want. Not their frilly bows, blond bangs, dowdy dresses and sensible pumps. The object of their desire is the sexy Italian chick who’s not afraid to show a little leg. She removes the clip from her hair and shakes it out behind her.

“You’re mine for the rest of the evening,” she says, leading Will to the dance floor. He holds her close and they slow dance to
The Lady in Red
. Julia almost bursts out laughing at the irony. The band is on break and this DJ has a sense of humor. The only red in this room is the blood running through Julia’s veins, everyone else’s runs blue.

Will’s hands wander down her back, one coming to rest on her ass, and she doesn’t stop him. She’s playing a part for her audience.
Temptress. Sex goddess.
This is her farewell performance. She has no intention of ever seeing any of these people again.

Darcy is standing with a group of women near the dance floor, obviously sharing the story of their recent exchange. Her fiancé, Mackenzie, has been one of Julia’s most ardent admirers this evening. If Darcy only knew how easy it would be for Julia to lure Mac into one of the back rooms... it’s pathetic how easily men are manipulated when it comes to sex.

Instead, Julia resists the urge to flip Darcy off and rests her head against Will’s chest, the sadness settling in. He touches the curve of her neck and tilts her head up, his mouth finding hers, and for the first time she feels…
nothing
. The electricity is gone, which should be a relief, but only manages to make her feel worse.

“Aren’t you lucky,” she whispers and closes her eyes. “You won’t remember any of this in the morning.”

Chapter Three

The following afternoon, Ellie drives Will to Julia’s to pick up their father’s car. He has the worst hangover of his life, and doesn’t remember leaving the wedding or the drive home. When he thinks about Julia having to find their way home from Hartford on her own, he’s consumed with guilt and shame. He wishes he could remember what happened last night. He vaguely recollects dancing with Julia…but his last clear memory is of the food being served.

Everything else is a blur. Parker and Mac provided him with round after round of drinks from the moment he entered the ballroom. There was vodka, and rum…and tequila involved in his memory loss, that he knows.

When he was in high school, they used to tease him for being a lightweight. “You’re Irish, man! Don’t be such a pussy.” He built a tolerance over time, but since he went to college, he’s spent less and less time with his old friends and drinking much less as a result.

Ellie grills him the entire ride across town. His head’s splitting open and he wishes she’d shut the hell up!

“Jesus Christ, Will, how much did you drink last night?”

“I don’t know, El. A lot.”

“She had to drive you home?” Ellie says, gritting her teeth. “Will, you totally blew it!” She whacks him on the side of his head.

“Oww! Stop it!” he cries out, his head throbbing.

“Last night was supposed to be the night. Why would you drink so much?”

Why did I do that?
Julia must be so upset with him. He’s furious with himself.

“I don’t know, El,” he stares out the window and shakes his head. “I was hanging out with my friends. That’s what we do. Drink.”

“You’re not in goddamned high school anymore, you idiot.” Ellie shakes her head in exasperation, and mumbles all sorts of choice phrases under her breath.
Idiot was the kindest.

“Well, here we are, you fucking moron. Go face the music.”

He struggles to climb out of the car with an awful feeling of foreboding. Julia opens the front door and he makes the journey up the walkway, his head aching.

Ellie’s right. I totally blew it.

“Hey,” he says softly. Julia silently holds out his keys and he sheepishly apologizes. “I’m so sorry Jules. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink. I’m sorry you had to drive us home and I’m sorry I spoiled our night.”

“No big deal. Here are your keys,” she mutters, still not making eye contact with him.

“You’re upset,” he says. A statement, not a question.

Julia looks him in the eye for the first time.

“Why did you invite me to that wedding?” she asks, hands on her hips, nostrils flared, then raises her voice, “I want to know. Why?!”

“I asked you because I wanted you there with me.” He’s never seen Julia angry before. Confused, he pauses, “Why do you think I asked you?”

“I’m not sure!” she yells, throwing her hands in the air. “Were you trying to prove something? That you’re living on the wild side? I’m sure you could have found some tall blond stick figure named Kiki or Bunny to tag along! Did you honestly think I’d fit in with those people?”

His mouth drops open, but no words are forthcoming. He’s never thought about whether she’d fit in with his friends or not.
Why wouldn’t she?
Julia gets along with everyone.

“Jules, I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone. I just wanted to be with you.” He attempts to put his arms around her, but she pushes him away. “Julia?”

Her eyes well up and she fixes her gaze on the ground. He knew she’d be upset but there’s more to this than his drinking.
There has to be.

“Julia, please talk to me. Did something happen?”

“Besides you ignoring me half the night?” she snorts. “Where do I begin?!”

Sitting on her front steps, Julia replays the conversation she overheard in the bathroom. What they said, what she said. He’s speechless, can feel the color draining from his face.

“Your friends,” Julia pauses, shaking her head. “Those guys treated me like an object, a piece of meat,” she chokes back a sob, “and the women…like I’m something they scrape off the bottom of their shoe.”

“Julia, I am so sorry.” He doesn’t know what else to say.

She wraps her arms around her legs, resting her head on her knees.

“Will, you want to know the worst part?” His eyes grow wide, thinking with horror,
It gets worse than what she’s already told me?
“The worst part is you didn’t even notice,” she rubs her hands over her eyes. “I hardly recognized you last night. You turned into someone else, and I didn’t like that person at all.”

He covers his face with his hands, letting her words sink in, then rubs his fingers over his throbbing temple.

“Did you feel uncomfortable with my family or Gabby?”

“No, of course not.”

She nods, contemplative, “Maybe that’s because they didn’t treat you like shit.”

Will’s eyes well up. No, her family didn’t treat him like shit. He can’t say he was totally comfortable around them at first, but they were welcoming. Julia’s family isn’t anything like his own, but that doesn’t bother him. His father didn’t come from money, though Will hasn’t spent much time with that side of the family. It’s almost like his dad doesn’t want to be reminded of where he came from.

Julia’s extended family is so big, loud and overwhelming, but he’s envious of their affection for one another. He knows his family loves him, but except for Ellie, they aren’t demonstrative people.

He didn’t even know he craved that kind of affection until he met Julia. She’s warm and accepting and he royally screwed up last night. What was he thinking? How could his friends treat her like that? He clenches his fists, furious with them, but more upset with himself.

How could I treat her so poorly?

His chin drops to his chest, his shoulders droop, the realization hitting him hard.
I am different around them
. That’s the world he was raised in, the world he knows. He understands how to operate in that world, with those people.

He wants to tell Julia the person she saw last night isn’t him.
She’s
probably the only person who really knows him, but he can’t get the words out. He’s confused and ashamed and his hangover isn’t helping him articulate his feelings.

“I need to take a nap,” Julia says, rising. “I didn’t get much sleep last night and my train leaves in a few hours.”

“Do you need a ride to the station?” he asks, hopeful, and grabs the railing, pulling himself up.

“No. I’m all set.” She turns away from him. “Goodbye Will.”

Julia disappears into the house, closing the door behind her and he stands immobile, staring at her front door.

Did I just lose her?

He rubs his palm over his chest, his heart heavy and finally walks to the car.

***

From behind the living room curtain, Julia watches Will drive away from her house. The tears are building, threatening to spill over the dam, and she runs to her bedroom, crawls under the covers and hugs her old teddy bear close.

Now
she’s acting like her mother, crying in bed because of a man…  She hasn’t called Gabby yet, she’s too upset to talk to anyone. Thank god her mother slept out last night. All she wants is to be left alone right now.

Finally, Julia closes her eyes and is flooded with memories of the night she met Will. She wishes she could turn back the clock and take away that night. She wishes she could change a lot of things… 

On the first night of rehearsal for
West Side Story
, Will walked into her life, and though she didn’t know it at the time, was about to turn her world upside down.

The cast of thirty people had gathered in the recreation room at the Congregational Church for a read through and from what Julia could see, with the exception of the children in the cast, she recognized everyone, having performed with all of them in the past. It was a reunion of small town thespians.

Her eyes were scanning the room when someone unfamiliar walked through the arched doorway, looking a little nervous and very out of place. He was tall, with wavy blond hair, and an athletic build, definitely not one of guys she’s performed with for years.

She watched him pick up a script from the table near the door, look uneasily around the room, staying away from the crowd, then turning to read the notices on the bulletin board behind him. His discomfort was palpable.

Who is he?
she wondered and moved a little closer to the mysterious stranger.

Julia hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should say hello, then shrugged her shoulders. If she were the new person she’d want someone to welcome her, so she tapped him on the shoulder.

Turning, he smiled, resting his clear blue eyes on her, and she froze for an instant, her eyes wide, momentarily struck dumb by his looks.
He’s absolutely gorgeous.
But she was quick to regain her composure and introduced herself.

“Hi. I’m Julia. And…you look a bit lost.”

He laughed and took her hand in his, his eyes warm.

“A bit! Hi Julia. I’m Will. Nice to meet you.”

“Everyone take a seat!” Sean, the director, called out, indicating the metal folding chairs arranged around the room.

Will sat beside her, his thigh resting lightly against hers, sending shivers up her spine.

“Before we begin, let’s introduce ourselves. Most of you know each other, but we have a few new faces in the group. Just the basics, name, role you’re playing and any previous acting experience.”

Sean began by telling the cast about himself, and then they went around the room.

“Hi, I’m Will Kennedy, and I’m in the chorus. Umm…I can’t sing and I have no acting experience whatsoever.” He looked down at his hands and smiled while everyone laughed.

“I want to thank Will for stepping up,” Sean interrupted. “He volunteered to build sets for the show and I bullied him into helping us out. We needed a few more bodies in the chorus. I promised I wouldn’t make him dance!”

Will nodded with a shy smile, his face turning pink, and glanced sideways at Julia. It was her turn to share.

“I’m Julia Grasso, I’m playing Anita, and I was in Cabaret last summer.”

They began the read through and she kept losing her place in the script, her whole body tingling with awareness of his proximity. While she was fighting the urge to touch the space on his leg where his shorts ended and his knee began, Will held his script in front of her and pointed to her line.

“Julia…” he whispered.

Startled, she looked up to find the whole cast staring at her, several ladies grinning.

“Your line,” Will said, smiling.

“Thank you,” she replied, her ears growing hot, and silently reprimanded herself.
Good Lord! He’s just a guy!

Scanning the script, she used her pen to highlight the rest of her lines, and for the remainder of rehearsal, read her part and tried to forget he was there.

When rehearsal finally ended, she excused herself and wove through the crowd to the ladies room. Paula, the choreographer, was washing her hands while Julia leaned over the next sink, taking deep breaths.

“You okay Jules?” Julia nodded, splashed cold water on her face and Paula handed her a few paper towels.

“Thanks. Yeah. I was a bit dizzy but I feel better now,” she fanned herself with her hand. “It’s warm in there.”

“Is that what happened?” Paula giggled. “I thought maybe it was that gorgeous man sitting next to you, getting you all flustered.”

“Please, Paula, give me some credit,” Julia rolled her eyes.

“Honey, if he was sitting next to me, I’d be doing the same thing,” Paula said, tossing the paper towel in the basket.

Julia exited the bathroom, and waved to a few people as she left the rehearsal room, “See you tomorrow night!” She didn’t linger like she normally would. The faster she got out of there the better.

Walking out into the fresh night air, she found Will standing near the church, his face breaking into a smile as their eyes met. Julia stopped in her tracks, butterflies fluttering in her stomach.
How does he do that? Why does he make me so nervous?

Living in New York, she’s spent a lot of time around good-looking men, some of them models, but no one had ever thrown her off balance before.

“Hey Julia. What’re you up to tonight? Do you want to grab a drink?”

“A drink?” Her eyes darted around the churchyard as people walked to their cars.
He’s asking me to hang out with him, alone?

“Yes, a beverage,” Will laughed. “Something to quench your thirst?”

He meant a real drink, not Del’s Lemonade. Her instinct was to run, to put as much distance between them as was humanly possible. But she stopped herself, figuring if they were going to be in this play together and spend the following ten weeks in each other’s company, she figured she’d better get used to being around him.