Weight Loss for People Who Feel Too Much (23 page)

Enmeshment can creep up on us. We think we're being loving and compassionate, when we're actually being controlling and codependent; that's because we can't stand our feeling of empathy overload. We focus completely on other people and on getting them to do what we want them to do, rather than on attending to our own emotional agitation. In short, we detour away from our emotional discomfort.

Use the techniques in this book to prevent becoming overwhelmed by your emotions; but at the same time, think about practical ways you can maintain good boundaries. Don't take in the world's drama! Do you have to bring your smartphone with you everywhere you go, and check your messages instantly? Are you addicted to social media? Maybe you have developed the habit of being reactive to the world around you and need to break the addiction!

We have
so
many sources of stimulation these days, from social media, to cell phones, to constant interaction with other people (if we live and work in a highly populated area). Technology can keep us connected at all times, but it can also be used to disconnect us from others when we need a break. Use a software program to keep you off the Internet, or at least, particular off of Internet sites that are addictive and that overstimulate you. Find ways to organize your incoming messages so that you don't feel the need to sort through hundreds of them to see if any are actually important. For instance, have more than one e-mail address—one for information you know is low priority and one you only use for the most important messages.

Set physical boundaries with other people, too. Maybe you need to wear earplugs or noise-cancellation headphones sometimes (just be sure you don't use them all the time or you'll get used to dead silence and have even more trouble tolerating background noise when it's unavoidable). Limit how often you talk to people who leave you exhausted after a conversation with them! Just because you love your hyperactive, needy sister, that doesn't mean you have to get into her latest drama every time she calls.

Remember, try not to share garbage with other people. Bond with others over solutions, not problems, and laughing, not complaining. If you do listen to someone sharing garbage, don't get enmeshed and try to solve his problems. Just nod, acknowledge that you're listening, and do deep, slow breathing if you feel yourself starting to take in his anger, frustration, or negativity.

If you need to vent, okay, but don't dump on other people, and put some limits on that venting. Use your Sacred Box and your Dumping Grounds journal to get the garbage out of you, and then
stop
obsessing over it. Would you pick through your kitchen garbage all day long? I don't think so! Don't obsess over the garbage that comes up for you, and keep it from contaminating your relationships with others. If you realize you've been dumping, say, “Thanks for listening and letting me share,” and move on to a more positive subject. (Don't forget to do your garbage dump at the end of week two of this step.)

Finally, don't underestimate the importance of serving others from a place of strength and love, rather than a place of neediness and desperation. Giving out of a longing to have someone notice you or validate your worth is not good for you, and it's a detour away from managing your difficult emotions and from sorting through your own issues. It can be easier to be the angel of mercy and hear gushing praise for your self-sacrifice than to face your self-loathing or your shame, but detouring will burn you out and leave you fatigued and depressed. You'll just end up facing the very emotional issues you've been trying to avoid that never went away.

Serving others should leave you feeling stronger and renewed. It can be a great antidote for sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and obsessing over your weight and your body. My way of serving others includes doing intuitive readings for people. Recently, I was connecting to the energy of a man who had died of asthma. When I do this connecting, I actually feel the sensations that the person felt—it's his way of communicating the concept to me. I've had breathing problems in the past, and feeling this man's inability to inhale deeply nearly sent me into a panic. I carried on the group reading but afterward, I had to use visualization and breathing techniques to let go of the fear generated inside me when feeling that horrible sensation. So, it's important to me to use my intuitive talents to help people, but sometimes it's very wearing. I have to balance my own well-being and my own needs with helping others.

To remind myself of the power of giving to others from a place of love and security instead of fear and desperation, I often say the following version of the St. Francis of Assisi prayer to myself:

ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI PRAYER

When you say this classic prayer, you take your focus off of yourself and any obsessions with perfection and control and place it on a healthy relationship with others (note that you can replace the word
Lord
with
Spirit,
or any other term that feels right for you):

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

When you take care of others and absorb their feelings, it can be so stimulating that it's almost like taking a drug. It can even be addictive. Even after the active part of this program is over with, I hope you'll continue to deal with your discomfort in healthier ways, and prevent its recurring by regularly using the techniques for shedding excess emotional weight.

In this week's daily journaling exercises, the focus is on reconnecting to others, to your body, to your thoughts and emotions, and to the world. As you've done before, write the answers in your journal, working on a few questions every day.

DAILY JOURNALING FOR STEP FOUR: RECONNECT WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

Answer two to three questions daily until you've answered them all.

1. What types of movement have you begun to incorporate in your life? What's working for you? What type of movement isn't working for you? Why? Can you adjust it to better meet your needs?

2. What are some ways you are reconnecting to your body? How do you feel before, during, and after these activities?

3. Now that you're engaging in more movement, how are your moods? What sort of thoughts are you having about your body?

4. How does it feel to have taken such a long break from traditional and social media? Can you imagine limiting it indefinitely? What would your life be like if you did?

5. Imagine yourself having healthier boundaries with people you don't know or hardly know. How might you limit your interactions with their anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and so on, so that you're not overwhelmed yet stay connected? Think of practical solutions here: Are there ways you could use communication technologies differently?

6. List of all the specific people you would like to let go of altogether, then list any emotional, interpersonal dynamics you would like to change, such as feeling obligated to give more than the other person does.

7. Imagine each person and dynamic differently. Could you have relationships with the same people but change the energy that characterizes your interactions? For example, you may have a difficult relationship with a friend because you lack clear boundaries and you feel she drains you. If you had a healthy boundary, or if the dynamic were different (for instance, you would stop people pleasing), what would that look and feel like?

8. Is it hard for you to imagine maintaining a problematic relationship yet changing the dynamic? Why do you think that is? What's the roadblock?

9. Is it possible that the dynamic could change but you're afraid of or uncomfortable with how it might change? Write down as much as you can about this.

10. What people, circumstances, or relationships would you remove altogether? How does it feel to think about making the choice to end the relationship rather than try to improve it?

11. What would you want to add to your relationships to make them better?

12. Who have you become now that you've been working on this program? How are you different?

13. Once the emotional and energetic clutter is taken away and you're no longer angry and ashamed, who will you be? What will your life look like?

14. Is it possible to let go of the fear of uncertainty and stop hoarding what's familiar but painful to behold? What would that look like?

15. Is it possible to let go of taking care of others and find space on the to-do list for self-nurturing? What would that look like?

16. Do you want to step back from caretaking and find another way to spend your time or make a living, or limit the amount of caretaking you do? How might you do this?

17. How has the energy of others been affecting you as you work this program?

18. Do you see a difference between how the energy of others affected you before the program and now, and if so, what is the difference? Who has triggered you to react to them and their behavior since you began the program?

19. Are the same people, or the same types of people, triggering you that triggered you before you began the program? What do these triggering people have in common?

20. Can you imagine a way to have interactions with these types of people without getting triggered? What would it look like to spend time with them?

21. What can you do to set healthy boundaries with these people without simply isolating yourself?

22. What will your life be like if you continue to use the techniques in this book to exercise your power of choice over your thoughts and feelings?

The step of reconnecting to yourself and others integrates all the ideas you've encountered. I'm not going to kid you: it won't always be easy to balance your needs and everyone else's, or to stay in touch with what you're experiencing in your body, mind, and heart. There are plenty of distractions and stressors that can knock you off the path, but now you know what to do when that happens. It's really important to develop the habit of becoming quiet and listening to your inner wisdom instead of trying to figure out what to do to make everyone happy all the time.

And that's in—the four-step plan! In the next chapter, I provide you with a lot of information and ideas about healthy foods, but I can't tell you exactly what to eat because I don't know your body. At this point, you're ready to start thinking about changing your eating habits permanently, and incorporating foods that are better for you because you're not nearly as likely to obsess or become anxious. Remember, you should
enjoy
eating. Let go of the negative feelings about past experiences with food and open yourself up to a new way of relating to it. The good news is that now that your emotions have been quieted, you'll probably find it's a lot easier to avoid the noisy foods that trigger disordered eating.

KEEP IN MIND …

• Begin reconnecting to your body. Do the I Love My Body exercise and express love to your body regularly.

• If you find yourself obsessing about your body, ask yourself whether you're detouring away from difficult emotions about something else altogether.

• Many people who feel too much have difficulty with proprioception—that is, their sense of body awareness. If you feel clumsy and awkward, do exercises that don't take a lot of coordination and be gentle with yourself.

• People who feel too much can also have poor body awareness because they began to dissociate themselves from their bodies after suffering an assault or rape. Reconnecting with the body is very important for healing from these types of traumas.