Weight Loss for People Who Feel Too Much (10 page)

7.
People pleasing and too much concern about what others think.
People who feel too much spend a lot of energy worrying about how others perceive them and feel about them. They go out of their way to be ultra-nice, always helpful, and super-reliable so that no one will ever be disappointed in them or irritated with them.

8.
Being overly serious or overly comedic.
Because of their anxiety and feelings of being unsafe and vulnerable, people who feel too much can be too serious and have trouble lightening up. They don't want to let down their guard and risk offending anyone or opening themselves up to criticism. On the other extreme, other people who feel too much use humor as a means to deflect the energy of others and protect themselves by being funny.

9.
Having been “10 going on 40” as a child.
Whether they were hyper-responsible and quiet, or bossy and controlling, people who feel too much often developed behavior patterns in childhood that made them seem older than their years. As adults, they may be overly involved in others' lives, or take responsibility for their parents and adult siblings. They may be helicopter parents, too, constantly fussing over their children and worrying about them. If someone anywhere in their vicinity is upset, they feel it's their job to cheer them up and fix their problems.

10.
Rebelliousness.
Breaking the rules helps a person who feels too much to see where he ends and others begin. At the same time, rebelliousness can upset or anger other people, so the rebellious person who feels too much may feel guilty and ashamed but be unable to stop rebelling, either. Being able to cheat on a diet or secretly sneak in extra calories is one common form of rebellion; acting out sexually, such as being promiscuous or cheating on a partner, is another form. In the moment, it feels good to be rebellious, but then we realize we've sabotaged our goals and we feel ashamed. One of my workshop participants found that as she did the journaling work in Step One, she got into a “frenzy with food,” rebelling against the simple plan of eating because of the strong emotions she stirred up. Rebelling against our conscious, healthy choices, resisting new behaviors, is common in Step One and Step Two.

11.
Emotional oversensitivity that was clear even in childhood.
People who feel too much often have childhood memories of being far more sensitive than other kids were, avoiding Three Stooges movies, Road Runner cartoons, and the like because even mock violence was disturbing to them.

12.
A feeling of being the odd one out.
Unaware that others have very porous boundaries and are deeply empathetic, people who feel too much often feel like “the odd one out.” They perceive that others aren't so sensitive or so prone to taking on others' emotions.

It may seem that some of these themes contradict each other: being rebellious versus a people pleaser, for instance, or isolating versus caretaking for others. You might vacillate between two seemingly opposite behaviors, trying to find balance and become centered, but always, somehow, going to an extreme to manage your emotions. The following quiz can help you start thinking about how empathy overload puts you out of balance, and what it would look like if you could stop being turned upside down and inside out by emotions you take on.

• THE EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT QUIZ •

1. When you hear through friends that someone you used to know in high school has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, you:

A. Feel sad and a bit wistful about the old days, reminisce about how healthy and vibrant this person was in high school, then post a nice note on his social media page or ask your friends to pass along your good wishes.

B. Contact your old friend and offer to help in any way you can, keep checking in with his wife or your mutual friends, and visit him in the hospital. You cry for him and feel grateful for your own health.

C. Find yourself crying on and off for weeks and feel depression overcoming you. You want to visit your old friend but the thought overwhelms you with sadness, and then you feel guilty for not following through on your intention.

D. Become so distraught that you're distracted and depressed or anxious for days, and become so involved in helping him and his family that they seem taken aback by how much you're doing for them, which makes you feel uncomfortable and confused about whether you're doing the right thing.

2. When someone harshly criticizes you, you:

A. Have little emotional response, and quickly assess whether that criticism is true and can be used to help you improve yourself in some way.

B. Instantly feel hurt and perhaps angry, but then you walk off your frustration or talk it through with someone and come around to accepting the criticism or rejecting it.

C. Feel devastated, deny to yourself and anyone else that you were hurt or upset, yet stew for days about the incident.

D. Feel furious, confront the person angrily with evidence that his criticism is completely unjustified, and afterward, feel a whirlwind of shame, anger, and sadness.

3. When you find yourself in a large crowd, unable to move as freely as you would like, you:

A. Consider your options, such as finding a less crowded spot where you can get your bearings. You may feel mildly frustrated with the lack of movement, but you're not bothered by the situation and you easily make your way to a quiet area.

B. Feel somewhat anxious and frustrated, find a less crowded spot, or decide to leave the event or situation. You go home disappointed and a little unsettled by the experience, but you're glad you made the decision to leave an uncomfortable scenario.

C. Feel very anxious and frustrated, even angry or panicked. You find yourself pushing through the crowd aggressively or hurriedly escaping. Afterward, you realize you're breathing shallowly and your heart is pounding, and you want to be completely alone for a long time.

D. Feel overstimulated and unsure of whether you're fearful, irritated, or excited. You're mesmerized by all that's going on around you and start talking quickly to strangers around you, trying to get a handle on what's happening.

4. Two strangers suddenly get into heated argument in front of you. You:

A. Keep your distance, watch quietly, and assess whether this may turn violent and whether you should take out your cell phone and call the police.

B. Observe the strangers closely to determine whether you should intervene in some way, and feel your heart pounding and adrenaline pumping. You know better than to get between them physically, but you're carefully eyeing them and trying to decide whether you should say something to try to calm one or both of them.

C. Feel panicked and experience shallow breathing, a quickened heart rate, and a sense that you're in danger. You make a fast getaway but feel upset for hours afterward as you worry about whether you did the right thing.

D. Feel energized and stimulated, even angry, and decide you'd better intervene in this argument right now before someone gets hurt. You immediately become involved without stopping to think about whether it's safe to do so.

5. You are at a workshop, church service, or other event and you notice several people becoming teary or are quietly crying. You:

A. Observe their emotional response and think it's appropriate, but are slightly embarrassed by their emotional display. You feel sentimental or sad too, but you don't cry in public.

B. Become teary too, and feel a sense of connection and intimacy with the strangers around you. You share a smile, a hug, or a tissue with someone else and even make a small joke about the strong response you're having.

C. Feel nervous and choke back any tears of your own. You hate to have others see you cry. Uncomfortable, you look for the nearest exit.

D. Feel a sense of excitement at sharing such a powerful experience with others and begin to cry freely. Suddenly, you realize you've unleashed a flood of emotions and you begin sobbing. You're embarrassed but unable to stop yourself because the feelings are so powerful.

6. Your friend is telling you about an incident at work where a coworker openly ridiculed him and others laughed. He's angry and hurt. You:

A. Tell him that such a response indicates that his coworkers do not have a healthy working dynamic if that's the way they behave. You start a dialogue with him about how to manage their behavior and whether to approach the supervisor about the chronic problems in the office.

B. Get upset for him but tell him it's his coworkers who have issues, not him. You gently reassure him that any mistakes he made were understandable, and give him a pep talk. Afterward, you feel glad you were able to help your friend but you're no longer upset; you trust your friend to work it out.

C. Say nothing as you start to think back to times when you've been ridiculed. A sense of shame overcomes you and you hold on to it for hours. You avoid talking to your friend because it's just too painful to hear his stories.

D. Go into action mode, telling him what to do, and spouting off about his horrible coworkers. Afterward, you go home and can't stop thinking about it, and even turn it over in your mind in the middle of the night. You wake up determined to talk to him about the incident again.

7. A friend asked you to commit to helping her with an event and you quickly agreed, but now, on second thought, you're realizing that it's too much of an imposition and you want to back out of your commitment. You:

A. Call her and tell her you spoke too quickly, apologize, and say you'd like to help but need to make less of a commitment of time, or take a rain check for a time when you haven't so many other commitments.

B. Hem and haw about whether to get out of it, and finally make a decision based on your gut feeling that this just isn't a good time for you. You call your friend and apologize as you bow out of the commitment. If you're pressured to reconsider, you hold firm despite feeling a bit anxious. Then, after hanging up the phone, you take a deep breath and let any unpleasant feelings go.

C. Find yourself angry and resentful toward your friend for pressuring you and to yourself for so quickly agreeing. You can't find the courage to confront your friend. You don't show up at the event when you're supposed to. You know your friend is angry, you feel guilty, and you hole up at home, berating yourself for how you handled the matter.

D. Start stressing out because you really don't have the time to help your friend, but you wouldn't dream of backing out after you said yes. You throw your schedule into turmoil as you scurry to meet your commitment, and feel guilty about the appointments you miss. You engage in disordered eating because you're working crazy hours to get everything done. Even so, you wouldn't dream of saying anything to your friend about how stressed out you are.

8. You turn on the television and see coverage of a terrible earthquake and injured people wailing. You:

A. Feel sad and sympathetic, then follow the instructions on screen to make an instant donation to disaster relief. You decide to watch the news for a few minutes to get the gist of the story, then turn it off because you feel you've learned what you need to know. After all, suffering is part of the human condition.

B. Feel deep sadness and even begin to cry. You make a donation to disaster relief and spend a few minutes thinking about the victims, even praying for them. Then, feeling a sense of gratitude for your own safety, you turn off the television and hug your spouse, child, or pet. You consider getting involved in disaster relief and make a decision based on whether you can afford to make such a time commitment right now.

C. Become utterly paralyzed with grief and shock. Your eyes become glued to the television and you start surfing between the 24-hour news channels, trying to learn as much as possible because you feel you owe it to the victims to hear about their pain. You don't sleep well or function well for days, and even writing a check to disaster relief does little to help you return to a state of peace.

D. Become deeply upset, then stop everything to become involved in disaster relief. You become obsessed with posting about the disaster on your social media accounts every hour or so, and consider taking a leave of absence from your job to travel there to help, even though you have clients and family dependent on you. You don't have a passport, you haven't any specialized skills for helping, and yet you can't let go of the idea that
you
have to travel to the disaster zone to help out.

9. You are visiting a memorial to a tragic event, and find yourself in the building where people suffered terribly years ago. You:

A. Soberly reflect on the suffering, perhaps say a prayer, and leave, having been moved by the experience.

B. Feel yourself deeply moved and tearful. You say a prayer, make a deeper commitment to your own efforts to help the world in your own way, and vow to visit memorials like this more often in order to connect with the importance of the work you do to serve humanity, however humble that work may be.

C. Become nauseated and short of breath, and have to run out of the building. You don't regain your equilibrium for a long time, and vow not to go to any more such memorial sites in the future.

D. Find that tears are streaming down your face. You ask the guide to tell you more about the suffering of the people involved, and how you can get involved in supporting the memorial and the causes it promotes. You can't stop talking about the experience for weeks, and start to obsess about it.

10. People who know you well would describe you as:

A. Very logical and rational.

B. Compassionate and level-headed.

C. Extremely sensitive, moody, and inconsistently intimate with people.

D. Highly emotional and dramatic, always involved in others' emotional dramas

11. When it comes to people and pets who need help, you:

A. Are sympathetic but let people solve their own problems; you write checks to your favorite charities and perhaps do some volunteer charity work that you find rewarding and fulfilling.