Wearing My Halo Tilted (20 page)

Grandma lifted her head up and with the left side of her mouth, she asked my granddad, “Love me, love me.”

He was watching that lady leave, but he turned around and came to my grandma's side. He reached for her hand. Then he kissed it.

He said, “Course, I love you.”

I pondered on what that whole scene meant. My grandmother was clearly jealous,
Saying alright now. You got a lady don't be looking nowhere else.
That was hilarious to me. I couldn't believe I was a part of that whole thing. What was I supposed to do with all that information. It was like I was literally a fly on the wall. Guess I'd have to store it away for another day. A story of undying love that maybe one day I might tell in a book or something.

When grandma spotted me, she said, “Where are the babies?”

I held my heart, saddened that she wasn't as strong as she was when Dillon and I had visited her earlier. Hopefully, she just needed to get some rest. I hated that my babies couldn't come up and see her, but no children were allowed in the ICU.

Coming back to reality, I said, “They're fine, Grandma. They said get some rest. They will be feeding your cat.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. “Love.”

“I love you too, Grandma, so much,” I said as I went over and stroked her head. “I'll see you soon.”

When she didn't respond, I realized she was asleep. I escorted my granddad to the waiting room and he filled the rest of the family in on how she was doing. We all were exhausted, but we were all thankful she was still with us.

She wanted to see the babies. How in the world could I make that happen? Then I quickly thought of showing her a video tape, which was perfect because we hadn't done an updated tape in a while.

I told everyone I'd be back soon, headed over to mom's house, got the camera and brushed the girls' hair. Stori and Starr said something cute for their nana. My oldest daughter started by saying, “Night, nana. Love you, bye. Now I'm going to feed the cat.” Then Starr came toward the camcorder with her arms wide and, if you were watching it looked like she wanted to hug you, which is hopefully the feeling my grandma would get, she said, “Nana.” Oh, this was perfect.

I told my mom what I was doing and that I would be back soon. She thought it was a very cute idea. It was weird having her support, but I loved it.

I kissed her on the cheek and said, “I'll be checking in with you from the hospital, okay?”

“Tell Daddy I'm cooking a big dinner for everybody.”

My mom was so sweet in my car, I played back what I had recorded and it looked so adorable. I couldn't wait for my grandma to see it. My babies were so blessed to know their great-grandma, and I know she would be equally blessed to see them say how much they loved her.

When I got back to the hospital parking lot, I could barely open my door. There was that strong wind again. So strong, so heavy it tried to keep me from going inside. Every time I walked two steps forward, it knocked me in the opposite direction. What the heck was up? What in the world was going on? After about ten minutes, I made my way up the elevator and when I saw tears coming from my family, I knew the strong breeze I felt was that of heavenly angels carrying my grandma's spirit up to a higher place.

The camcorder fell out of my hands. I didn't care if it broke or not. I didn't even look to see. I covered my face with my two hands and wept.

My dad came over to me and said, “She's in a better place. You gonna be alright. You'll be fine.”

The way he was saying it was like he wasn't really talking to me. Seemed more like he was trying to tell himself he was going to be alright. However, his shaky voice didn't really sound like he felt alright to me, whether he believed he would be or not. Everybody was somber, but Granddaddy. He was the head of the family and we needed his strength. Hopefully we could soak a little from his unphased stance. I thought it was odd though that the first time we got the word she was gone and no tears did he shed. Part of me was upset.

“Y'all need to stop this crying. She's in a place where we all better hope to go. She told me for weeks she didn't feel good. She's fine now, shoot. We got some planning to do. Come on, ain't nothing we can do at this hospital,” he boldly said as he left the waiting area.

As my dad helped me gather up my camcorder, I said, “Mom said she's making dinner for everybody.”

“Such a godsend,” he whispered, before crying. “My mom's gone.”

I hugged him and tried to give him hope. “Yeah, I know it's tough dad. Like you just told me, she's in a better place and she loved you. You know you were her favorite.”

He smiled slightly. We both knew they were all her favorite in reality, but I knew my dad needed to hear that. The doctor came out and stopped us from leaving.

While my dad and grandfather talked to the doctor, I watched my aunts wipe their faces. My uncles, Sam and Phil, were still consoling each other. When I stepped outside of the hospital and felt that the wind had stopped, I could only hope the pain I was feeling would dissipate as well.

 

 

My mom insisted on keeping my girls at her house when my brother brought them to the family gathering. I was supposed to go back to my house and pick up clothes and then come back over there so I wouldn't have to be alone. But I took the time by myself to let out all the pinned up tears that just came streaming out.

My granddad was right, my grandma was in a much better place. That still didn't mean I wasn't going to miss her. That still didn't mean I wasn't going to feel bad because she was gone. That still didn't mean I couldn't be sad at least for a moment.

I got down off the bed needing to do something more constructive with my emotions. Once on my knees, I prayed,
“Lord, I know You know what You're doing up there. But I certainly wish You would let me in on it. This just doesn't seem right to me.”
In the midst of my prayer, my body started shivering as if God was saying, “I need to shake you up young lady because you're not the one in charge. I don't need to tell you anything. Just trust me. Just know that I've got this.”

Something in my spirit clearly showed me my grandma's face, and she had an enormous smile on it. She was perfect. She looked young. She was floating. Most importantly, I clearly saw she was okay. Though there weren't any wings on her back. I could see a glow all around her. I saw no image of her new big mansion, but I knew she was at peace.

I felt comfort. I jumped to my knees and sprang over to the window. As I saw the trees shaking from the fall breeze, I knew God did have this. I ran a hot bath. Put in a few drops of oil and got me a big cold glass of ice water. I found my tape recorder that had been just a little rusty, pulled out my new outline and just let the creative bug bite. I was so relaxed, so on fire, in an hour I had talked two chapters. I knew to be able to do that with such ease that Grandma hadn't left me. She'd always be there.

Not only did I have the Holy Spirit, but I had her spirit, her legacy, and her love still all over me. I was fired up. I started thinking about her and what she really meant to me. Before I knew it, not only was I writing my book, but I pulled out the songwriting skills I had developed with Bryce and wrote her a song. The lyrics rolled:

Before I could create anymore, my phone rang. It was Mrs. Kindle. Gosh, she always knew when I needed her.

“Hey,” I said, sounding like things were good.

“I've been thinking about you, lady. How are you?”

“Actually, Grandma passed today, but I'm good now.”

“I'm so sorry, my mom's not doing too well either.”

As I thought about her sweet ninety-five-year-old frail mother in a nursing home, I said, “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, she fell out of the bed again today and they got her in the hospital. She's got a pretty nasty cut on her head too. We can't live forever, so we've got to get it right so we can get into heaven and hear the Lord say, ‘Well done.' How is your marriage going?”

“The same. Not great. Dillon came to the hospital for support. He wasn't rude to me or anything, but he was there for family then he left. I don't even know if he knows that she's gone.”

She asked, “You haven't called him?”

“No, you think I should?” I asked, really unsure as I slid on some baby oil.

“Yeah, you should. The good thing going on with me is that my boys are doing well. My oldest has a promising superintendent's job. My younger son is exploding with his whole music business. He's got all this new equipment and some new clients. We'll see what happens with his tracks. He is so inspirational.”

“Oh my, goodness,” I said as I thought about the song I was composing for my grandma. “Do you think he will work with me? I've got a few dollars I can give him to lay some tracks.”

“Perfect, he'll work with you. Call now. I think he's home,” she said before giving me his number.

Soon as we hung up, I was dialing her son. He was so excited to get my call. He had me sing it. The rest of the song spilled out:

“Alright, I recorded you on the phone and I'm going to work on the music,” Harry told me. “Then tomorrow you can come in and lay the tracks.”

“Really,” I said, so excited.

“No problem. Anything for my mom and the song is tight. You need to sing this at her funeral.

“Oh, no, I couldn't do that. I'll be too emotional. There is no way I could sing over her body.”

“The way I'm hearing the music . . . trust me, you will want to sing this for her. You'll have everybody in tears.”

“Starting with me,” I said, still doubting, as we finalized plans to meet the next morning.

When I hung up the phone, I heard the garage door go up. I knew it was Dillon. I wasn't ready for a confrontation. I didn't know what to say in order to avoid one. I didn't have time to put on any clothes. So I sprayed Bath and Body Works ginger scent all over me, grabbed my fuchsia robe, and headed down the stairs. He came inside and I wasn't able to read his mood.

“I was just about to call you,” I said, breaking the awkwardness.

“Yeah, I checked in with your dad. I heard the news.” He came walking toward me and placed his arms around me. “I'm so sorry, Shari. I know how much you loved her.”

Darn it, I was fine. I was okay with it. I was cool. But being in his arms, having his sympathy, knowing I really would miss her, I fought hard to hold back the emotion from flowing out once again.

“No, I'm okay,” I told him. “I know she's not suffering anymore.”

“I'll be here with you through this.”

God was really great to me. He'd already allowed me to express my thoughts through music. He helped me be productive with my writing and now He walked my man back into the house to be supportive.

Being in Dillon's arms felt right. “Thank you, Dillon.”

“I'll miss her too.”

“She loved us both. She'd want us to be here with each other.”

Dillon smiled. At least he didn't disagree. He followed me over to my parents house and when we got there it was a zoo. It was ten o'clock at night and the adults were bickering like first graders about what color the dress was going to be, what kind of coffin they were going to buy, who was singing a song, who was doing this, and who was doing that. They just couldn't seem to agree on anything.

My grandma had too many strong-willed kids. Though I longed for a son, I thought maybe my two girls needed to have a will with it clearly spelled out, so the two of them wouldn't have drama, issues, or trouble once I was gone. Just seeing my dad and his siblings go crazy let me know I needed to get my house in order, because tomorrow wasn't promised. These folks were fools, nothing got settled.

Even the next morning they started the day doing more of the same. I cut out to go to the studio.

The time with Harry on the keyboard was magical. I could just see all the times I was with my grandma. Every note he perfectly created moved me. The song was the bomb, I left there with a CD of a instrumental track and a vocal one.

When I got back to my parents house and heard more arguing from my family, I just played the music. My recorded voice carried throughout the house. All the adults wanting different things for their mom quieted down. The song helped them understand that this wasn't about them or what they wanted. But this last good-bye was a collective effort that we all had to work on to get closure.

“This has got to be performed,” my dad said with excitement.

None of his siblings gave any arguments. In fact, they swarmed me sharing his sentiments. I wanted to argue, but time passed so quickly. We were on one accord. We loved on each other and got to the service.