Wearing My Halo Tilted (8 page)

But I did need to call Tina. However, I wasn't up for any lectures. Though she was married, she didn't have children and, in my opinion, didn't have a life outside of publishing. She was very opinionated and made the world think she had all the answers. Actually, she'd lost several great clients, which ended up working in my favor. She probably would've never picked me up, poor ole undiscovered me, had she not been a little more free with her client roster.

“Hey, lady,” I said, a little woozy inside.

Something about talking to her had me on edge. I was a grown woman. Around her, I felt like a child.

“So, I'll be at your room in an hour for dinner. I was wondering when you were gonna call me back. There are so many other things I could be doing. Came down here to celebrate your achievements and I can't find you anywhere, girl.”

Just tell her you got plans. Tell her you can't be with her,
I said to myself. That was my problem. I felt bullied by so many people in my life: my parents, my agent, my husband. I needed to take charge and seize the opportunity to chill her forcefulness. Just when I was about to let her have it, I thought about my words and chose carefully.

Gently, I said, “I have other plans.”

“What do you mean, you have other plans?” she gruffed back.

“Well, Bryce Maddox from the play is here. He wants to go over some strategies with me about how to keep the buzz going if I'm available.”

“Well, I can sit with you guys and go over that stuff. I've got tons of ideas,” Tina said, forcing herself on me.

I hated lying, but I came up with an excuse. Babbling, I quickly blurted, “I don't know. He seems pretty weird about other people. What do you think, should I handle this on my own?”

I thought turning the tables would make Tina think it was her idea to bow out gracefully. I held my breath as she took a second to answer. Could I psyche her into not going?

“Well, if you put it that way it is a good opportunity. They are keeping you on the tour this long. There really was no guarantee that they would have this extended period of time. I got a call earlier today that you're staying for a while longer. Whatever you're doing, keep it up and keep this strictly business. I know that he's a ladies man. But we have nothing to worry about, you're married. Whatever he's selling, Shari won't be buying.” When I didn't comment, she said, “Right?”

“Please, Tina. Only business,” I said as we hung up.

I was so self-conscious though. Bryce was incredibly handsome. His wife wasn't gorgeous, but the ladies that clinged to him were. I was just a plain suburban mom. I hated my look.

As the time grew closer for Bryce and me to mingle, I got down on my knees and prayed,
“Okay, Lord. I know this seems weird but I don't know if this is completely wrong. I'm totally attracted to this man. I need You to be with me through this thing. And I know that's crazy because I'm married. It should be clear You're seeing all of this. But if marriages are broken, you should get out, right? Ugh. I'm so confused.”

And at that very moment the hotel phone rang. “Hello?” I answered.

“Are you ready to meet me downstairs, pretty lady?” Bryce's sexy voice said to me.

“I'll be right down. And what do you have planned for us this evening?”

“Ha. Surprise, surprise.”

He wasn't kidding. Our day was filled with pampering, with us going to a day spa and me getting my nails done. Then he took me to a hairstylist, where I got a little color and new trim. I couldn't believe all of this.

When I looked in the mirror and saw my new hairdo, I said, “So, what, I needed an upgrade to be by your side?”

“No. I just know when a woman could use the joy that only taking care of herself can bring. How are you feeling?”

“Great.”

“Good. There's one more thing.”

“What?”

“I wanna pick you out a beautiful dress. Every time I see you in nice suits I can only imagine you with a v-neck dress with no bra and no panties. Ooh, and some sexy pumps sashaying your body in front of me, gettin' a brotha' all hot and bothered.”

Okay, wait,
I thought to myself.
Cool down, mister.
But then a stronger part of me wished he wouldn't cool down at all. I wished we could quit talking and go back to my hotel room and have it out. Then I realized I didn't know this joker. What was the harm in playing along and actually enjoying myself? So we headed to the mall and he found me five perfect dresses. I didn't even have to choose. But I did wear underwear. When I came out of the dressing room, I didn't disappoint as I let my hips move from left to right.

“You're gorgeous,” he said as he stood up and gave me a big hug.

“I'm tired.”

“Oh, no. I'm taking you out on the town. You like sushi?”

“I think I like you,” I said, flirting.

“I think I like you back.” He chuckled. “I'm serious. How could a guy not catch feelings for a lady whose eyes twinkle?”

A
s my body willingly eased into the back of the limo with Bryce, I was startled when my cell phone rang. The noise caught me so off guard I bumped my head. Bryce rubbed the top of it and I was even more fidgety. I couldn't have him touching me. Hairs stood up on my back. I really wasn't supposed to like him like that.

Looking down at the phone, I dropped it like a hot potato when I saw my home number. I hadn't spoken to my husband in over a week. Scary chills now raced up and down my spine.

Immediately, I started sweating. Then I began contemplating whether I should let it go to voicemail or whether I should answer it. When it rang again, I picked it up. Last thing I wanted was Bryce to say, “Hello.”

Bryce quickly asked the question, “Aren't you going to get it?” insinuating himself into my business. And though I admitted we had a connection, I wasn't ready to divulge anything about my broken marriage.

I couldn't say to Bryce, “Oh, no, this is my husband on the line. I'm not going to answer it, because surely he wouldn't understand me having dinner at nine o'clock with a man he knew I've lusted over for years.” That's when I knew no matter how I wanted to spin this friendship, encouragement, congratulations dinner, or whatever it was, this was wrong!

The phone rang loudly once more. Instinctively I picked it up. I smiled at Bryce, holding up one finger and said into the receiver, “Hello.”

“It's me,” Dillon said roughly, sounding like he knew I knew it was him.

I could tell by his tone that he was a little irritated that I didn't respond in my usual way. My standard greeting for him over the years had been a friendly, “Hey, honey, what's up?” But he didn't deserve that kind of greeting from me. Granted I hadn't reached out to him, but he hadn't reached out to me either. Then I had to ask myself,
Had I even prayed about our relationship? Had I asked God to protect my husband and help him see his anger was against God's will?
Yeah, sort of, I guess. Right? I was all confused.

“What's going on?”

It was really sorta hard to talk. I mean I was out, supposedly to have a nice evening on the town with a new beau. Only to have my time interrupted by my husband calling me before the night could begin. Maybe that was the Lord's way of saying,
Shari, what are you doing?

Bryce was so understanding. He acted like my friend by motioning with his hand for me to take my time. The door was still open and he got out and said, “I'll be back. Handle your call in private.”

“Where are you?” Dillon accused in a harsh sounding tone. “I called your hotel room, your parents gave me the number and, um, it went to voicemail. I just heard a man's voice in the background. Clearly you're not headed to bed.”

Well, I actually missed my husband's voice, and I was so happy he was a little agitated that I wasn't securely locked in my hotel room. In Dillon's own unique way, he was trying to say I miss you.

Carefully trying not to tick him off more or say the wrong thing, I replied by saying, “I'm just getting a bite to eat, that's all. Why'd you call?”

I didn't know how long Bryce was going to be out of my presence so I wanted to keep the call short so I'd be off the phone when he came back to the limo.

“Your mom called and I talked to the girls tonight.”

I didn't respond, I just held up the phone waiting for him to continue.
“And,”
I thought.

“The girls are well,” he continued. “It's not like you called to check on everybody.”

That comment was a little insensitive and I felt my veins bulging out as my heart rate increased. My whole body got a little testy. He didn't want me to cut the fool with him. I was already out on my own. He didn't know he didn't need to push me too far.

“I already checked in with my mom, Bryce.”

“BRYCE!” he yelled, realizing I had called him the wrong name. “I mean, what's going on, who are you there eating dinner with? I'm calling you to congratulate you on winning an award and you're calling me some other Negro's name. What's up with that?”

How in the world was I going to get myself out of this one? I knew my husband didn't come from the smartest family in the world, but he was no dummy. Surely he could put two and two together. Waiting for the bomb to drop, I sighed.

“That singer guy, are you out with him? Y'all not staying in the same hotel room or something like that are you? How did he get down there, I thought he was in the play with you? He's not supposed to be at your book conference thing.”

Twenty thousand questions came at once. And if that wasn't enough tension the real Bryce walked back to the door.

“Look you don't need to grill me,” I said. “I'm just having dinner with him. He came down here on his own.”

Knowing inwardly that I didn't have any ties to Bryce, I didn't need to be all secretive or anything. Whatever he heard he'd just have to hear. I had no double life. I was a married woman talking to my husband. Surely Bryce would not have issues with that.

To get myself back on track and convince myself that this was no big deal, I simply said to my husband what I needed to say. “Bryce and I are friends. End of story. Thank you so very much for calling me about my award. I appreciate it. I will talk to you later. Good-bye!”

“Dang, girl!” he said as he sat down beside me. “You let your man have it didn't you? You not gone be in the doghouse mentioning me.”

I'd already been in the doghouse. I didn't even know why I tried anymore. Sucking my bottom lip in, I fought back the emotion that was welling up inside of me. No, it didn't make me happy that I had to cut off my conversation with my husband. But before he could call me back and let me have it, I did turn off my cell phone. No need getting embarrassed twice in one night.

“I understand though,” Bryce said as he gently stroked my hand to calm me. “I got problems in my marriage too. I'm sure you've read about it all over, heard it, and seen it. I should be served with divorce papers any day now. It's tough staying committed to one person your whole life. You can't let that person get you down so much that you don't even want to strive for your own dreams and goals. If they're constantly tearing you down, making you feel inferior, making you just . . . hate 'em. You gotta cut 'em loose.”

I looked directly in his eyes, wiped the water from mine, and said, “Honestly, I hear you. I'd never thought I'd be in a failing marriage. We got two young babies; it's just not fun anymore. And I know it's not only one-sided, Bryce, I know he hates me just as much. He's jealous and he's probably turning red right now because he can't get me on my cell phone.”

“Do you still love him?” Bryce asked out of the blue.

“I've got so many issues with myself, I don't even know if I have any love to give anybody.”

“We gotta do something about that. What's your day like tomorrow?”

As we traveled to the sushi spot, I bored him with details about my book signing at the Christian African-American Booksellers booth, the interviews with magazines and Christian broadcasting stations.

As we got seated, he asked, “Okay, so when will the busy lady be free?”

“After four. Sorry to go on and on, it's just that no one has ever sent me anywhere. This is huge.”

The waitress came and brought a menu of seafood choices, from octopus to cooked sea eel. I was excited because my husband never wanted to share one of my favorite foods, but Bryce seemed to love it more than me.

We enjoyed the rest of our evening, not talking about either one of our marriages. We laughed, giggled, and enjoyed our bliss. My depressed feeling phased away and Bryce had me glowing all over. By the time Mr. Maddox was done with me, I was beginning to look forward to four o'clock the next day.

Bryce's male companionship was uplifting. Later, however, when I got back to my hotel room, I noticed that I had eight messages. I reluctantly played them back and heard my husband's angry voice screaming into the receiver. I had to call Dillon.

“What's going on with you, Shari, out with other men and stuff? You hung up on me, turning off your phone so I couldn't get you back. I mean what are you doing? Are you throwing the towel in on our marriage? Is it over? If so, you need to tell me so I can move on too.”

“I can sense you're angry.”

“Oh, you don't think I have reason to be?”

Now I knew why I hadn't talked to my husband in a while. Sure, maybe he had cause to be mad at me. And as he kept lashing out at me, telling me what a horrible wife, mother, and person I was, it wasn't racking him any brownie points with me.

I didn't wanna compare him to Bryce, because I barely knew that guy, but it sure was refreshing to just go out and enjoy someone who was in tune with my feelings. I didn't have to spend the whole evening eating and talking about nothing or hating that I was there in the first place. Byrce even dressed up. My husband hated to put on cosmopolitan clothes. If it wasn't an athletic look or feel, it had no appeal to him.

“I don't know what to say. You're accusing me of doing way more than what was going on. I'm sorry I called you his name. That was unintentional. I was out with a colleague who happened to be at the International Christian Retail Show. Don't trip, I've gone out on business meetings before. It was no biggie. We were simply talking about ways in which we could partner. All I was doing with him was trying to figure out how to improve the showing at the play.”

Now I was starting to lie to Dillon. We really did have troubles when I could so cavalierly make up something. He wasn't a saint either though. He'd called my bluff and what he got he got.

“You need to get off my back a little, ease up. Don't be so harsh.”

He fussed more and I just held the phone away. The air cared to listen more than me. I truly was starting to hate him, as we came to no meeting of the minds. And he ended up hanging up on me, so the feeling was probably mutual. I was too exhausted to even pray for our marriage.

I took a long shower and enjoyed reminiscing about my evening out. I had good company and I had gotten an award. Things were looking up and I was looking forward to more good than bad. I finally felt like I deserved the best and, come what may, the best was coming to me.

“I'm really pleased with how well your book is doing. You're such a wonderful role model for our young people. You're doing this publishing company proud,” Mr. Gayley, the vice president and publisher of my book company, said to me during a private meeting before I was to go sign at the Christian African-American Booksellers Association, CAABA, booth.

I loved getting my time with him. He was such a nice, humble man. I remember when I first sought out a publisher. Not only did my favorite agent in the world turn me down, before I landed with Tina, but I also personally talked to several different publishers. It was no problem getting the meetings. I guess since they didn't have a slew of African-American women on their author roster, they couldn't be rude to me. They just found a way to say,
No, we're not interested at this time.
The rejections came in the forms of letters, e-mails, and verbal communication; any way they could say no, they found a way to do it.

Even though Mr. Gayley said no at first, I could really sense he was trying to help make me better. And of the things that he told me to sharpen, like getting a more realistic view of my characters and having a few other plots than the main one I was trying to portray, above all I had to make sure that God was the central character. Once I implemented his suggestions, Tina had no problem getting him to sign off on giving me a two-book deal. He was kinda growing me up in the publishing world, telling me a lot of stuff that I needed to know. He was such a godly man, and with most white folks not even speaking or smiling in my direction, I couldn't say the same for most so called Christians.

Because it was a Christian company, I was limited in the drama I could put in my titles. Everyone sinned and fell short of the glory of God. Why couldn't characters? But in order to stay in their game I had to conform and play by their rules. No profanity, no sex scenes, and no gay stuff.

“Thanks for all your compliments and getting my book in the right hands so that the powers that be could read it and give me a chance to win an award. I'm just so thankful,” I said, clasping my heart so he could see the sincerity. “And I should apologize to you guys for not getting my second book done yet. Believe me, my agent is on me so you'll have it soon.”

“Well, I did wanna impose upon you our deadlines, and we are working with your agent to secure all of that. But we just wanted to let you know how proud we were of you. We've had to let a couple of authors go this year. One was a pastor who was stealing money from the church, they let him go as pastor and we looked into it and the evidence was right. We had to release him from his contract as well. Our motto is, ‘A message you can stand by,' and no one can stand by an author who publicly is out living their own way, yet telling a message to others on how they should walk the straight and narrow. We want our authors doing and writing the same thing. We are glad you are upholding His standards. I know you gotta get down there to the signing so I'll let you go,” he said as he looked at his watch.