Wearing My Halo Tilted (16 page)

Josie gave me way too much credit. She really didn't know as much as she thought she did. Usually, I was the level-headed one between the two of us. But now I needed her more than she knew, because when I revealed what happened, she wouldn't condemn me. She was my true sister. She certainly was gonna be surprised. I needed to call her fast, because this was a mistake that only one of us needed to make. It doesn't feel good after a few moments of greatness.

My heart stopped beating for a long second when I heard Dillon's voice last. “Shari, I've been thinking about you. I'm sorry I was a jerk that night at the dinner. It seems like I can't ever tell you how I really feel when you're right in front of me. I just let our entire problems crowd me, my heart longs to say, I don't know . . . I miss you. Tina called. She said something about you should be home, so hopefully you're on your way. It's pretty sad our relationship is so strained. I really don't know what to do. I'll be looking forward to getting this back on track. I'll be home late. Hopefully you'll be there waiting up for me. I'm sorry I hurt you. Alright bye.”

Hearing the caring concern in his voice, I just shut my phone off and wept some more. “He misses me,” I said out loud as I wiped my tears with the sheet. Then I let the cotton material go and thought,
This is the very same sheet I just gave it up to another man on and now I'm crying on it about my husband.

The next hour I ate food brought up by the owner of the hotel. I booked a very expensive red-eye flight straight home to Colombia, South Carolina. I gathered my personals, called a taxi, and as I waited for it to come, I said a prayer.
“Lord, again I'm sorry. I broke my covenant and I regret it so much. I asked You to work on my husband's heart and now I am the one needing grace. I asked You to help make Dillon not throw away our marriage by his harsh actions, and look at me now needing forgiveness. It's just so crazy. Help me connect my thoughts to Your thoughts and come to the right conclusion. Do we even have a chance? Please show me the way. In Jesus' name, amen.”

As I checked out, the owner's wife touched my hand and said, “I'll be praying for you. It's not my business, but a lady claiming to be your guest's wife showed up last night. I've got my own problems so I'm not judging; I just felt you should know.”

It was like a frog jumped in my throat leaving a big uncomfortable lump. This nightmare was worse. I didn't tell her that I was self-destructing, but I knew the puffiness in my eyes gave away the fact that I needed direction. I wanted to tell her I would be alright. However, I didn't even know at that moment if that was true. I had fallen for a man that played with my emotions to get what he wanted. I didn't want to let her know that I had fallen into depression, but when she let go of my hand, I had somehow felt stronger.

I knew I needed to shake off the past and look toward how I was going to put all the junk of my life together and make something out of it. Okay, so what. I had chosen a few wrong paths. I had basically gone astray from the Lord. Now that I was aware of that, I could change. I wanted to change. I had to get my life right. As I boarded the plane to fly back to my real world—my kids, my husband, my parents, my writing career—I knew all of that was important to me. Clearly, I wasn't perfect but I knew the Lord wouldn't give up on me, so why would I be trying to give up on myself? As I nestled under the covers to shrug off some of the chilly air on the airplane, I took comfort in knowing that the only way I could walk right was with God. I didn't know where He'd lead me, but this time I knew—wherever He'd lead, I'd follow. That was the only way to ensure a safe journey. Giving into my flesh would only lead me to a place of pure heartache, desperation, and disaster. No more.

As I gazed out at the clouds lit up by the airplane's lights, I felt as safe as in the arms of God as the plane soared perfectly through the air with no turbulence and no bumps. I hoped to parallel that peace by getting to a heavenly place on earth one day soon. I was already beating myself up enough. I would get it right so that I wouldn't be left behind. As an old gospel song goes,
Nobody told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me.
Somehow, someway, things were gonna be okay.

 

 

Walking into my house, it was so quiet I could hear a pin drop. I knew I wasn't the only one there. I'd seen Dillon's car in the garage, and at the airport I had gotten to see on ESPN that the Gamecocks had won their game the night before against Ole Miss. Heading up to our bedroom was a natural thing for me, but it wasn't like I planned to sleep in bed beside my estranged husband.

However, something was drawing me up there. Maybe it was that I just wanted a hug. I certainly wasn't in a rush to tell him about my meaningless affair. Maybe subconsciously, me wanting to be with him was a sign that I did want to salvage our marriage. But when I saw the sight of Dillon as I opened up the double doors, butterflies were in my stomach. My husband was sprawled out across our king-sized bed with two little ladies nestled beneath his big body. He hadn't had a ménage à trois experiment with two young girls, no. The sweetie pies were our daughters. Somewhere along the road he had gotten hooked up with my parents.

Without me, I could clearly see my family was just fine. I clutched my chest overcome with emotion upon seeing the sight of them more than okay. Their dreams must have been peaceful because all three of them were grinning wide like circus clowns.

I felt a knife in my heart because I wasn't a part of it. Instantly, like someone had unlocked a chamber in the depths of my spirit, I knew I wanted to be . . . I wanted to be their mom again. I wanted to be his wife again. There had been so much damage done.

As I noticed my youngest daughter's leg hanging off the bed, I gently placed the adorable little limb under the covers, kissed her forehead, and looked at my husband, admiring how much he loved them. He was holding our family together. As I tried to place my bag down gently, I saw his eyes open.

“You're back,” he said in a pleasant voice, without moving his body.

“Yeah, and it looks like you've got company.”

“I was reading them a bedtime story and the next thing I know we were all just knocked out. I got back about eight and your mom was here with them. She said they really missed the both of us.”

“For real?” I said as I walked closer to the bed. “They—they missed both—both of us?”

My words couldn't even come out of my mouth. It seemed too good to be true. I hadn't talked to them as often as I needed to. Yet, the Lord had allowed them to still love their mommy who'd let them down.

Without waking them, my husband came over to my side, placed both my hands in his and hugged me so tight. He didn't say anything. He just didn't let me go for about two minutes. And in that embrace, his thoughts connected with mine.

Finally clutching me tighter, he said, “I'm sorry for so much, Shari.”

I didn't pull away, want to leave, or be sarcastic, but water dropped hard like pellets from the sky. “I'm sorry too, for more than you know.”

“I was wrong for not wanting you to do the tour,” he said as he looked me in my scorned eye. He gave me a sense of self. “I'm proud of you. I'm sorry I stepped in your way.”

Immediately I turned away, unable to face him. His instincts had been right. He had been trying to protect me from things at the time, but I had been to pigheaded to see. Everything that glitters isn't gold. If he only knew what I was doing out on that tour. Oh, Dillon, was so right. But how could I tell him what I'd let myself do? How could I have screwed our marriage over? I just couldn't.

“Hey, hey,” he said, sensing something was wrong.

He was being more attentive than I'd ever seen him be in so long. Gosh, he was making this hard for me. I had messed up and yet he was acting like the husband I needed, the husband I wanted, and the husband I'd longed for. Was it too little, too late for us though?

“Mommy,” my oldest daughter said with glee as she sprang out of bed.

I needed that diversion. Family time took over. Both Dillon and I rolled around in the bed with the girls. After about two hours of catching up with them all, my husband confessed he had to go down to work, to watch the film of their game against Ole Miss.

“Sorry I gotta leave so soon,” he said.

I would usually be uneasy about the head coach making them work on Sundays, but this time I was not. Even I was changing for the better, or maybe I just needed to have time to think about what I really wanted for my marriage.

“If you're tired it's no problem. I'd already arranged for your grandma to watch the girls. She said she wasn't going to church today. Said she's been praying for us a lot. She even asked about our sex life. She is so funny.”

I almost choked when he mentioned that word. Playing off it, I said, “I bet she was. The girls are fine with me. Thanks though for being considerate. I may take them over to see her anyway.”

“Yeah, she'd be excited to see you back.” He kissed me on the cheek, swung the girls around, and told me he'd be in at about 7
PM
. The house was unusually clean. It was obvious that my mom had arranged for a maid service to tidy things up. It was funny how she wasn't sure about my marriage either, but she certainly wanted to make sure that my husband was well taken care of. I called my grandmother and told her that the girls and I were coming over for a meal. She was delighted to hear that I was back. She said she couldn't wait to talk to me about some stuff. She was such a wise lady.

When the girls went to sleep, I placed my cell phone that was out of power on the charger, and as soon as I did that it beeped to let me know that I had a message or two. When I saw the number of Bryce pop up, I wanted to puke. Oh, so now that it was another day, the brotha' was having remorse for treating me so badly. Well, I was back with my family. There was nothing he could say to make me want him again. Sitting in my husband's basement recliner, after walking around with the phone in my hand for five minutes trying to decide whether or not I was going to hear what he had to say, I finally entered my code and listened to my message from Mr. No Good.

Bryce's voice was high pitched and panicky. “You gotta call me back. This is not the end. My wife hired some private investigator. This is not a joke. Seriously, call me.”

Though his message was kind of sketchy, I could fill in the blanks. I remembered the call he had with Mel that now made sense. The owner of the bed and breakfast told me someone had been asking questions. Wow, could what we had done in private possibly going to be made public?

“Oh my, gosh!” I screamed.

It took me three calls to reach Bryce and, when I finally did, what he told me was mind boggling at best. “She hired a PI. There are pictures of us in bed from a window. They are very, very explicit. There are also pictures of us in the hotel room making out and pictures of you coming out of my hotel room. We're gonna be on that new show,
Cheating Spouses.
It's on cable. I don't know when it airs or if she'll sell to the tabloids, but I just thought I'd tell you. Look, I'm sorry. I just wanted us to have a good time.”

“How in the world could you not have known she was capable of this? I'm messed up for life here,” I said angrily, before hanging up on him.

My actions were leading me down a path so deadly that there'd be no way I'd be able to escape the madness to come.

When I got to my grandmother's thirty minutes later, she gave me the biggest hug. I was literally shaky. I wished I was her baby granddaughter again. Unfortunately, I was all grown up with big people problems.

“Baby, what's wrong?” she said.

“Talk to me, baby,” she said as my girls banged on her piano thinking they were playing better than ever.

My tear ducts released more salt water. She took one of her hands and wiped my cheeks. “Baby, I know you've been through a lot, and I will talk to that husband of yours. The one I helped you get.”

“It's not him,” I said. “I messed up this time, Grandma.”

“What've you done?”

Falling to my knees, I placed my head in her lap. Before I could tell her about my conversation with Bryce, I thought,
Yeah, I wanted to have passion, pleasure, and a whole lot more than any romance novel. Now look what all that's gotten me.

“Grandma, I cheated on him.”

“Baby, do you love this other guy?” she asked, trying to understand.

“No, I had deep feelings. Found out the guy took me for a fool. It was only once, Grandma, really. But one time too many. Grandma, what am I gonna do? When my mom finds out she's gonna kill me and then Dillon's gonna divorce me. The world's gonna hate me.”

“The world?” she said in her sweet country voice.

“Yes, Grandma. It's gonna be on TV.”

She started stroking my hair and trying to pick me up off the floor, but my body wasn't letting me leave the secure position. “Yeah, you messed up. That happened. But you gotta find a way to get on up. Through Christ, get on up. We all fall short, but my grandbaby ain't no habitual sinner. You gotta stop lusting. You gotta stop lying. You gotta stop crying and you gotta start praying. Do all of that so you can stop falling.”

G
osh, I was so depressed after seeing my precious family. My two girls and my husband. I could knock myself in the head for practically ruining it. I had what most women dreamed of—a man. Even though he was often times anal, he was a man that cared for his family and worked day and night to provide. His one hundred and twenty thousand dollar a year income paid the bills and even a little extra. I didn't need more. God had given me a husband that supplied my needs.

I used to get so mad at Dillon for having sex with me and then falling asleep, or leaving the room and going to the living room or something, but at least he stayed. At least he was there. At least he cared. Bryce got what he wanted and was gone. Oh, how stupid was I.

I turned on the guest room TV because I couldn't go to sleep. But after getting in the bed, I curled up in a knot and just held myself. I still felt so numb over what I'd done with Bryce. Yet, I longed to make things right with my husband, but how could I tell him of my infidelity. I certainly couldn't blame it on him.

Though I never thought it would happen, somehow that night I fell asleep. And I thought I was dreaming when I felt a strong hand rub my thigh. Letting out a sensual moan, I guess I enjoyed my thoughts. And I wasn't thinking of Bryce. Oh, no. The kiss I was imagining with my husband was mesmerizing.

But then I heard his voice. “I missed you.”

I realized I wasn't dreaming at all. Dillon was on top of me saying sweet things and touching me with his finger in just the right places.

“I'm so sorry,” I uttered, kissing him back.

“I'm sorry too,” he told me. “I never should have hit you. I have such a temper and I'm working on that. Shari, thanks for coming home to me. I love you and I want you so bad.”

As he lifted my T-shirt, I wanted to tell him all about Bryce. But at that moment when he was making me feel all good inside, Bryce who? Most of our married life I pursued him. For Dillon to wake me and desire my loins, made it a moment of pure ecstasy.

Our usual fifteen minute interlude was now turning into an hour. He almost had me sore. I could only thank God for this second chance. While my husband shouted my name, I thanked God just the same. I had done something wrong. I had cheated, but not because I wanted to hurt my husband, but because I thought I really didn't love him any more. However, this new feeling this magical night, this complete oneness, was a gift from God. Our time together solidified that I had something special. My marriage was like a precious diamond. Yeah, sure it was rough and dirty at first, but once dusted off and clean, boy could it shine.

When the lovemaking was over, I didn't know what I expected. Actually nothing, I wouldn't have been surprised if Dillon would have gotten up and went back to the bed with our girls. He did get up and I heard a little water running, I heard the toilet flushing, and then I heard footsteps trotting downstairs. I rolled over trying to get some sleep. But before I could, my husband stood before me again with two cups of ice-cold water.

“Here, baby, I brought you this,” he said, handing me the glass and kissing me gently on the forehead. “I thought so many times, Shari, how I would tell you I'm sorry. I know I was such a jerk, and I prayed for you to come home.”

“But you don't understand, we need to talk.”

“We will. I do know that there is so much about you that I need to understand. I'm just so happy to have you back. I really wasn't asleep when you came home yesterday. I was with my girls only half-dozed, in protector mode.”

“Why didn't you say anything,” I said, after enjoying the nice cold beverage and then placing it on the night stand.

“Honestly, I was getting up my strength. I didn't know how to tell you how much I missed you, how much I wanted to be with you, and how proud I was of you and all.”

He bent down and kissed me. Our physical time together was over but he bent down afterward and gave me more love. Boy, was I surprised.

“What was that for,” I said.

“I just want to treat you better. God's giving me another chance and I'm just thankful to have it before it was too late for us, you know. I hope that it was good for you.”

“Yeah,” I said, unable to keep my breath as I thought about it. “It was great.”

“Well, here,” he said as he held out his arms for me to nestle by him. “I want to hold you. I've got to be at work by five
AM
workouts, but until I leave I want to feel you next to me.”

I wanted to tell my husband about everything, but all I could do was look into his eyes and apologize again. “I'm glad I got a second chance with you too. But I don't deserve one.”

“Shhh,” he told me. “Neither of us deserve anything. We didn't do any real damage.”

Oh, if he only knew how untrue his statement was. The guilt I consumed made me feel as uptight as if I were behind bars versus laying comfortably in his arms. As I stared out the dark window through the crack in the blinds, I prayed,
Lord, You've given him back to me. You've got to help me keep him.

The next day, I was awoken at 5:45
AM
to two little girls who were on a weird time schedule. Before I left they used to wake up after nine in the morning. I should have known, my mom loved to start the day early.

“Mommy!” Stori said, looking like she'd grown an inch in the two and a half months I was gone.

They were so excited my heart was filled with joy. How could I have wanted more than this? The pair was so perfect, their love so pure. I was blessed to have them, and as I held them both as if they were just born I was finally happy to except, without limitations or boundaries, their love. Also, I could give it back tenfold. I squeezed them tight and smothered them with kisses.

“What's it going to be, oatmeal or grits?” I asked, reluctantly letting go.

“Grits, Mommy,” Stori said, naming her favorite. “Come on,” my oldest daughter said as she pulled me out of bed.

It took me no time to fix their sweet buttery grits. After getting them settled, I carved out time to work on the book. Opening my laptop, I just stared at the two of them as they watched TV. The purple dinosaur was entertaining them. Starr was walking, but just barely. She was so cute trying to keep up with her big sister.

How had I missed this all along? How could my eyes have been so closed to the greatest gift God had given me? To be these girls' mom, how could I have wanted more? I hadn't known I was being so stupid. Thankfully, I was dumb no longer. From that moment on, I knew I'd always be thankful, grateful, and ecstatic over the fact that they belonged to me. Yeah, I knew they were still the Lord's and He had kept them all this time, when their mother couldn't love them in the way that she should have, but now I'm ready to assume my earthly duty. And until they were back in His arms, I would love them so much.

Gosh, I was so happy that one thing in my life was finally in perspective. “Mommy, Mommy come dance with me,” Stori said as she turned.

Who cared about a deadline? I was already behind
. Dance with the child already, why don't you,
I thought to myself. When I danced with my girls, I felt so free the creative bug was on its way back to me. Before I could sit down, I started typing. I got a call from Tina and she wasn't too happy that I hadn't gotten anywhere on my book.

“You are so far behind, Shari. This is unacceptable that you're still at the preliminary stages of your book. What are you trying to do here? Give up the deal?”

“That's so crazy to ask me. You know if I'm late there has to be a reason. Speaking of what one of us has done for another, I stayed with you when all your big authors left. And I talked to others, convincing them that I had gone to bat for you time and time again, put my reputation on the line with these people, and why is this just about you, Tina,” I said.

I couldn't believe I was standing up to her. I'd never really talked back to her. I only wish she wasn't old enough to be my mom, but she was older, so I just respected her. She'd only picked me up because a friend of hers had said she should, and now here I was after feeling bruised and beaten by her for so long, I have finally found the courage to speak up.

“You know what. Is this about me or is this about you?” I said in a harsh tone.

She was silent for a while. I knew she was obsessing, trying to figure me out. I didn't need anymore drama in my life, things were already crazy enough. I certainly didn't want to lose her, but she needed to treat me with respect. Her yelling and talking at me was not tolerable. She needed to understand she worked for me, and that I was going through something. I was dealing with a lot and she needed to be supportive. Yeah, I understand she had gotten me the contract. But I had to pay her fifteen percent for negotiating the deal. Agents tripped me out anyway. They get paid for getting their friends to pick up people's work. Or they get companies that already like certain authors to get signed to another deal. Yeah, right. A homeless person could go in and negotiate deals under friendly circumstances.

So what if the words used to cool down my publisher, because the book is late, got a little hostile. Every deal wasn't going to be easy. Tina needed to mediate with them and work the delay out for me. She needed to earn the money that I would have to pay her eventually, once I turned in the book.

“All right, I hear you. I'll talk to them. Just get cracking.” Wow, I didn't believe Tina was losing her bark and not biting my head off anymore. “Do you think you can give me a timetable at least? You know what. . . don't even give me that. I'll just push them off a little longer. You know what, you need to handle your heart. Right now your editor is saying so many great things about you. The sales numbers from the play have been out of this world. You get to work and I'll do the same. No need to worry. I hear those girls in the background. How are they?” she said, changing the subject.

We chit chatted for a little while. I was so thankful that I have gotten the courage to really tell her how I felt. Because of that I had a little breathing room. But the pressure really wouldn't lessen forever, I still had to produce for my publishing company. I still had to write the manuscript. I still had to fill the blank pages on the screen. I felt a little bit more confident about knowing the Lord would give me what I needed to say in His timing. Now wasn't the time to concentrate on any of that. I was with my girls. I couldn't just step back into the house and go to work. No, today was their day.

 

 

I had been with their dad the night before and it was magical. Just as I thought about Dillon the phone rang again, and it was him.

“I was just thinking about you and the great night we had,” I said, seeing his number on the caller ID.

“Well, I was just calling to tell you I'm going to have to work until about nine. Sorry about that, honey.”

“You know what, do what you need to handle. I'm fine.” As soon as I hung up the phone, my girls pulled me back over to the TV.

We watched
Sesame Street
. It was such a relaxing, awesome day. Before I knew it, it was night.

I hadn't gotten much work done, but I'd had such a productive day. I'd made my man happy. I had straightened out some things with my agent. And I had spent so much great time loving up on my kids. Yep, I didn't have life all worked out though, and I still had to do the book. I knew I had to come clean with Dillon somewhere along the way. Also, I still had to give my girls a bath. Yep, I had issues to get to, but right now I was going to soak it up to give me strength to face the things I didn't look forward to.

 

 

As the next day dawned, I hoped Dillon would get home. We'd had such a great time together and he was just so sweet I wanted him near. I picked up my cell to call him and noticed I had two text messages. He'd sent over loving notes. I was giddy. I started worrying so I dialed the ten digits that equated to his cell number and I got his machine. There wasn't a need for me to leave a message, he would see that I had called.

Still unable to sleep, I got up and checked on the girls in their respective rooms. Gosh, I wished I could rest as peacefully as both my angels were. My little one was curled up in a nice snuggly ball. I mimicked her position when I got back to my bed, but the perfect slumber they had was hard for me to get.

Ten minutes later when my phone rang, I quickly picked it up and said, “Dillon, Dillon are you okay, honey?”

“Girl, this ain't Dillon,” my girlfriend Josie said in a voice that made me really nervous. “Are you sittin' down, girl?”

“I'm laying down, but I can't sleep.”

“And I figure that your husband ain't home.”

“Yes, and I'm really, really worried he said he would be home hours ago. I know they were going to have a late night but I didn't think this late. Something is going on.”

“Well, I hope he ain't seeing what I'm seeing right this second.”

“What, girl?”

“I got the
Shining Star
magazine.”

I laughed. “You've got the tabloid?”

“Yes, I had to go and pick up some milk and I saw your boy on the cover and it said,
‘Wife catches him in the act,'
so you know I had to buy it. Shari, your picture is straight up in there.”

Feeling my heart pulsate faster, I said, “What do you mean my picture is in there?”

“Well, you didn't tell me about your little rendezvous. You know I feel slighted, but we'll get to that later, you got bigger problems. There is a nude shot of you in bed. Of course they placed a black stripe across your special places, but I mean there is no mistaking this is you. It doesn't list your name, but it says it's the Christian-fiction novelist who wrote the book that the play was adapted from.”