Waters Fall (26 page)

Nora was appalled that he was bringing the kids into the argument.
“They’ve never really wanted to come visit me at any of my offices, so why would they want to come to the cottage? Why would they think it’s anything else besides another office? What have you told them?”

“Nothing!
I’ve told them nothing! Even when they ask me, I tell them nothing. I keep waiting until the timing is right for you, Nora. How does Nora want it? When does Nora want it? What does Nora want to say? How does Nora feel? It’s all about you, isn’t it? It always has been.” He turned and headed toward the door, but stopped before he opened it. “Maybe you should leave after-all. I’ll go start the truck.” He left the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

Wiping away the few tears that had managed to escape, Nora glanced around the room for any of her belongings. There was little to take back with her; she
’d come wrapped in a blanket, wearing only her pajamas and a pair of sandals, and carrying her pillow. She grabbed her pillow, stripped off the case that was part of the linen set on the bed, scooped up the blanket she’d neatly folded and stored in their closet, and slipped her feet into her sandals. Jake still had her phone and purse, and she shook her head as she thought about all the responsibility he’d taken on this last week.

He had already scribbled a quick note for the still sleeping kids, and Nora added to it.
“I love you, and I’ll see you later today after I get a few things done around the office.” She hurried outside to find Jake sitting in the truck, windows rolled down, the music too loud to converse over. She climbed in her seat without his help, holding everything piled on her lap. Her purse was already on the console between them.

They made it back to the cottage in record time, and Nora hadn
’t been that glad to see it since the week she moved in. Jake did get out to help her carry her things, but he didn’t say a word until she was inside. He stood on her welcome mat, unwilling to cross her threshold, and said, “Call before you come over.”

“Okay. Is my phone in my purse?” She hated this. She hated seeing the hurt and anger on his face, knowing that she’d put it there. She hated the hollow feeling in her belly at the thought of him leaving her here. She hated that she couldn’t figure out how to bridge the gap between what they wanted from each other and what they really were.

“Yes.”

“Thanks for covering for me this week, Jake. I know some of my clients aren’t easy people.” She was so sad and so weary. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done this week. I don’t know how I would have survived without you.”

Jake nodded and turned to leave, but she stopped him with her words. “I’m glad you made me go home with you, and I’m glad you took such good care of me. You’re a good man, Jake, worth fighting with. And for what it’s worth, I want you to know that I know it.”

31

Jake stood outside her doorway looking in at her
forlorn figure still holding her pillow and blanket.
If I’m such a good man then why am I standing out here watching you getting ready to shut me out of your life? If I’m such a good man, then why can’t we figure this out? If I’m such a good man then why don’t you want me?
He opened his mouth to say something profound, but only her name came out.

“Nora.” Then tears came, and he buckled around the ache in his gut
, pressing his hands to his knees, sobs wracking his body. “Oh God, oh God, oh God.” He moaned over and over as he stood there, breaking into pieces right in front of her. What must she think of him? What kind of man came undone like this? He was the biggest loser on the planet. Why had he ever thought she would choose him?

But oh, how he loved her. In spite of her treachery, in spite of her betrayal, in spite of his broken heart, he loved her beyond measure. How could he just let her go?

“Jake? Please come inside, honey.” Her hand rested lightly on the back of his bowed head, her fingers moving through his hair ever so gently, soothing, calming. She drew him inside, and he followed her meekly to the dainty slipper chair near the window. She handed him a box of tissue, then waited in patient silence for him to get his emotions under control. After blowing his nose and taking a few deep breaths, he braved looking over at her where she sat cross-legged on the floor, leaning against the wall. There were tears on her face, too, but he felt so ashamed over his lack of composure. She wanted a man she could lean on, not the other way around. She wanted a man who would support and encourage her, not burden her with his own meltdowns. No wonder they were where they were. He and his fear and his insecurity had brought them here.

“I am so sorry,” he said gruffly, his voice cracking a little around the words. “I’m sorry for this.”

“Stop apologizing.” She said it so gently that he didn’t feel reprimanded.

“I just don’t know what to do, Nora. I’m lost without you, but I can’t seem to figure out how to win you back. I’m a fool and a failure, so I can’t blame you for not wanting me, but I love you, and I would do anything to make you love me again.” He was so broken, and so exposed already, that he no longer cared how desperate he sounded. “I can’t give up, I just can’t. I need you. The kids need you. And you need us, I know you do. I just have to figure out how to make you see that. Please just give me a chance to find a way
. Please.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Jake. I know I need you—if this last week didn’t make that very clear to me, I don’t know what would. I…I know I love you, too,” she stammered a little over the words, and he tried not to wonder if she really meant what she was saying. “I really do. I just don’t love the marriage we’ve created, and I can’t go on pretending
it’s okay.”

Jake started to protest but she raised a hand to stop him.
“Look. Let’s give things a little more time before we make any big decisions, okay? We seem to do all right together when we’re not trying to make the hard, fast plans, so let’s put that off and just work on things one day at a time, at least for now.” She toyed with the braid she’d put in her hair that morning after making the bed. “Keep seeing Pastor Rob, Jake, and I’ll make an appointment with Vicky. She’s a counselor I was seeing last year before everything happened. I know she’s been praying for us and would love to help us figure this out. Maybe I’ll even work up the courage to call Pastor Rob myself.”

Jake had to look away lest she see the eagerness in his eyes and get scared off. Her words rocked through him, giving life to the desperate hope inside his heart. Vicky. She
’d called him by accident after his night out. A counselor. Nora had been seeing a counselor.

“I want to g
o camping with you and the kids, and I don’t want that trip to be tainted by fear or doubt or ugly arguments between us. Maybe we’ll figure things out when we stop trying so hard to figure things out, you know?” She looked up at him, her eyes wide, then she crawled across the short distance between them and laid her head on his lap.

“Oh,
Jakey.” Her voice was hoarse with emotion; he was beginning to like the way she said his name. “Please don’t cry like that anymore. It’s too much to bear.” He put his hand on her head, and they sat that way for several minutes.

Finally he spoke.
“I need to get home to check on the kids. I told them I’d cook them a big breakfast when I got back, and you know how they are about Saturday morning breakfasts.” He smiled as she looked up at him, and he brushed her cheek with his fingertips. “Why don’t you rest for a while, and then I’ll call this afternoon to see how you’re feeling. If you’re up to it, you can come with us to the Sports Depot for fishing supplies. If you’re not, well, we’ll all survive I guess, but you’ll miss out on all the fun, and we’ll miss out on the fun of having you with us.”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else this afternoon.” Her words settled around him; still waters after a storm.

“I want you to come home tonight, Nor. I can sleep on the couch again. I’d feel better knowing you were there in case you needed anything.”

Nora was in bed and settled before he left, after making
certain she had everything she needed within reach. She lay on her side watching him as he moved around her little place, tending to her few immediate needs, until he ran out of reasons to stay any longer.

“Is there anything else before I head out?” he asked from the doorway.

“You’ve done more than enough, Jake. Go feed our babies.” She smiled and blew him a kiss; he caught it out of the air and pressed it to his cheek the way they did with the children at night. He slipped out, closing the door behind him.

Jake rolled down the windows and let the rushing air buffet his face still flushed with emotion. The drive home wasn
’t long, but it gave him time to think a little more about what she’d said.  In the aftermath of his meltdown, she’d been lucid and calm, and it made him feel all the more inadequate. He’d done so well all week, keeping his feelings at a distance, focusing on getting her well. Now that the worst of her illness had passed, however, he felt weak and weary and as though, having served his purpose, his role was once again dubious. Yet he also found hope in her words, in the fact that he agreed to them whole-heartedly, albeit not without reservations. It was easier to put off making any definitive plans, but the lingering doubt remained that they were just putting off the inevitable.

How could they love so sweetly one minute,
then fight so bitterly the next? He retraced each moment of the last few hours, savoring the memory of waking up with her in his arms, of coming back to the room to find her soft and yearning for him—for him! The transition from joy to full-fledged battle happened so quickly, so
fluidly
, it still left him reeling as he remembered how angry he’d become, how his perception of her changed so drastically, how she went from lovely creature to deceiving seductress in a matter of moments, right before his eyes. He couldn’t stand it, the way his thoughts shifted around her, the way he always felt so out of control these days. He hated feeling helpless and foolish as he waited for her to make up her mind about them, about him. He wanted to draw a big, black line in the sand and dare her to cross it…but he knew, somewhere in the back corner of his mind where he didn’t want to go, if he did that, she would cross it, never to return. And oh, how he wanted her to return.

And oh, how he
hated
himself for wanting her back! He hated himself. Why, why,
why
couldn’t he hate her instead?

“I hate you, Nora.” He said it quietly, testing, tasting the words out loud for the first time. “I hate you, Nora.”
Louder, firmly. “I hate you, Nora Anderson! I hate you!” He was yelling now, the anger and pain building up inside him until he could no longer form words, and he roared at the top of his lungs, the rushing air whipping the sound around his head and out into the world. He raged with unintelligible noises until his throat felt like it was being torn to shreds, until he broke down coughing, gasping, choking on his emotions. “I hate you, Nora,” he rasped again, but he knew it was still a lie.

By the time he pulled into the driveway, his throat was raw, but it felt good to him; tangible evidence that he was waging a battle. He may not be winning yet, but he had determined that he wasn
’t ready to give up. He wanted his family back. He wanted his family whole. And somewhere between Nora’s cottage retreat and the home she was retreating from, Jake had drawn a line after all. Maybe it wasn’t big and black, maybe it wasn’t even something she could or would see, but he knew it was there, because he’d drawn it for himself. He wasn’t going back. He was crossing the line and never going back to the old Jake.

“Do
You hear me, God? You’d better show up. I’m ready to fight, and I’m expecting You to be here, leading the charge. I’m expecting You to stand by me, to help me fight for what’s right, for what You gave me. For
who
You gave me.” He leaned forward and rested his forehead on his hands where they gripped the steering wheel, suddenly longing for communion with Christ. “Jesus, I’ve failed miserably. I’ve failed her. I’ve failed my kids. I’ve failed you. I need your help. She’s right. This marriage sucks the way it is, the way it was. I don’t know why I couldn’t see that. How did I become so blind? When? Show me what it means to be a man. Please, God, let her see that I want to change. Help me be the man You want me to be so that I can be the man she needs.” He could feel his shoulders drop, the tension easing out of them, as he sat in stillness. He grimaced as a new thought struck him. “And if You need to break me even more….” He hesitated just for a moment, then continued bravely. “Then break me more. If You think I can handle it, bring it on.” He lifted his face, though, and declared a little defiantly, “But You’re responsible for keeping track of all the pieces and remembering where they go when it’s time to put me back together again!”

~ ~ ~

“You don’t need to apologize anymore.” Vicky
touched her knee, stopping her flow of words. “I’m not going to reprimand you or make you do push-ups or penance of any kind. I’m just glad you’re back and that’s all I’m going to say about it, okay?” When Nora nodded, Vicky continued. “So tell me how you’ve been.”

Nora snorted in a rather unladylike manner.
“Now there’s a loaded question.”

“Hm.
I figured as much. Well, all we can do is begin at the beginning. Do you remember my rule?”

“Yes.” Nora rolled her eyes. “No bad-mouthing my husband.”

“Then he is still your husband?” Vicky asked.

“Yes, he is.” Nora’s dubious tone made Vicky raise her eyebrows in question.

“That’s good, right?”

“Yes, I think it is.” Nora shrugged. “I’d like it to be. I’m hoping it can be good again. It’s just not so easy right now. A lot has happened since the last time you and I met, and I think Jake and I are just hanging on because we don’t know what else to do.”

Vicky just nodded encouragingly.

Nora took a deep breath and blew it out in a huff.
“I had an affair,” she said bluntly. “And yes, Jake knows.”

“Ah. I see. Well, that does change things.” True to her promise, Vicky’s eyes didn’t darken with judgment or condemnation. If anything, Nora thought she saw compassion on her face. She continued, doing her best to be completely honest.

“I don’t know how I feel about it all. I’m confused that things aren’t clearer to me, more black and white. I know it’s selfish and wrong, but part of me loves Tristan, and leaving him feels like dying. But I also love Jake. Is that possible? And leaving him feels like dying, too. I feel like I’m being made to choose how I want to die. Except that I want to live.” Nora shook her head and shrugged again. “See what I mean? I feel inside out and outside in all the time.”

“Are you still seeing this man?”

“Tristan. His name is Tristan.” Nora felt a sharp need to make him real to Vicky, to make him more than just a nameless entity. “And no, I’m not still seeing him.”

“Are you in contact with Tristan in any way?” Vicky emphasized his name.
“By phone? By email?”

“No.”

“Has he tried to contact you?”

“Yes.”

“But you haven’t reciprocated?”

“Only once right after I left him. That was a disaster.”

“Does he know where you live?” Vicky’s one line questions were coming at her quickly, but Nora appreciated them today. She wanted to purge, to get the details out on the table. The counselor, in her black skirt and yellow top, with her hair pulled back in a large barrette, looked no different than she had a year ago. Even though Nora felt changed through and through, it was good to come back to familiarity with this woman.

“No, he doesn’t. And by the way, I’ve
kinda moved out. Or at least I’ve moved into a place of my own.”

Vicky frowned.
“Is that your decision or Jake’s?”

“Mine. When I left Tristan, I
kinda left Jake, too.”